GIVE ´EM HELL, MALONE (2009)
Before we begin you need to know this about me: I love movies about private dicks! And I´m not talking about penises who keep to themselves but about private detectives, ok? With that out of the way, we can begin. Looks like good old Thomas Jane has done it again: he´s managed to star in a movie that held such high promise but only turns out to be kind of good. I´m talking about “Give ´Em Hell, Malone”, which was released on DVD the other day. I also love the Film Noir genre and “Give ´Em Hell, Malone” is a throwback to that coupled with some pretty serious bloodshed, which includes a bit too much CGI-generated blood, but you can´t have everything, right? At least there is blood, so I can´t complain too much. There´s also some other pretty good actors involved in this one. Except for Jane, we get Ving Rhames as a bad ass villain, Gregory Harrison (who apparently forgot to age since his stint on “Falcon Crest “ in the late 80´s) and Doug Hutchinson. But that´s not all, folks! It´s directed by Russell Mulcahy, who´ve given us such marvelous films as “Razorback”, “Highlander”, “Resurrection” (which is pretty damn underrated, despite the fact that it stars Christophe Lambert, I don´t care what you say) and the third (and best) installment in the “Resident Evil”-franchise. So in a way, this movie has everything a movie in this genre needs going for it. Let´s break it down:
- A cool-as-hell title? Check. Come on, say it out loud: “Give ´Em Hell, Malone!” It rolls pretty nicely on the tongue, doesn´t it. Any movie that has the phrase “Give ´em hell” in it is definitely something I´d wanna watch. Besides, “Malone” is a bad-ass name. Don´t you remember Burt Reynold´s classic “Malone”? If your lead is called Malone, you know he´s gonna be hard-as-nails.
- A lead who´s devoted the latter part of his career to starring in different genre-titles? Check. I mean, look at Jane´s latest movies: “The Tripper”, “The Mist”, “Mutant Chronicles” and “Killshot”. He obviously appreciates this shit.
- An almost frighteningly good looking female lead? Check. We got Elsa Pataky, who we also saw in “Romasanta” and “Snakes on a Plane”.
- A solid character actor in a supporting role? Check. We got Leland Orser who we all know and love from “Seven” where he played the guy who had been forced to strap on that dildo from hell and fuck another guy to death.
- A great tagline for the poster? Check. “Hard to love… Harder to kill”
- An experienced director with a keen eye and flair for all things visual? Check. Russell fucking Mulcahy who directed the first music videos ever!
So you understand why this movie has everything going for it, right? Except it doesn´t quite pan out the way I expected. And I think I know what the problem is: the opening scene. You see, the opening scene is just too goddamn good for its own best. It feels like Mulcahy blew everything he had on this scene that starts with a pretty graphic shootout with Jane explaining in a typical private detective voiceover where it hurts the most to be shot. This scene is nothing short of spectacular! It´s when we start getting into the story that the movie lags a bit. I´m not gonna give too much away but the story isn´t exactly groundbreaking. Malone has to fight a bunch of bad guys, who tries to protect their scheme of visas or Green Card´s that they got going. Secrets a´ plenty and the plot thickens the more Malone uncovers. Basically your ordinary day at the office, if you´re a private detective.
By the way, these private detective guys… Do they exist in real life? Has anyone ever met a real life private detective? I know that I haven´t! I wonder what an ordinary day in their life looks like. Probably pretty boring. I guess that you are probably forced to sit around in a cold car and spy on cheating husbands a lot. I wonder if you are forced to wear a Fedora hat, though? But what if you look corny and stupid in a Fedora hat? Are you allowed to continue practice private detecting by the union then? I bet it´s a great way to meet chicks. I mean, imagine dropping that line when you´re chatting up a girl at some bar and she asks you what you do for a living: “I´m a private detective…” if that doesn´t get you laid, I don´t know what would.
But anyway, what is it about “Give ´Em Hell, Malone” that doesn´t work? Two fords for ya: “Sin City” (as you might understand from watching that poster here above). Unfortunately, it feels like Mulcahy have been ogling Robert Rodriguez´s movie a bit too closely for its own good. I feel that if he would´ve made this more in the classic style of making Film Noirs this would´ve been a lot of better. There are a lot of elements in this movie that would´ve been cool as hell, unless you hadn´t already seen it “Sin City”. The most obvious one is the mostly meaningless character of Mauler (played by Chris Yen). She´s one of those pesky girl-ninjas, who dresses up as a Japanese school girl, only to kill everyone in sight. This would´ve been a great idea, if it hadn´t already been done to death these last couple of years.
Then we have this Doug Hutchinson fella. He can be a pretty solid character actor but I suspect that that takes quite a tight rein from the director. He was absolutely fantastic as Eugene Tooms in “The X-Files”-TV series and was wonderfully obnoxious in “The Green Mile”. But for every “Green Mile”, there´s a “Punisher: War Zone”, where he acted like he was starring in a fucking Looney Tunes movie! Accents ain´t this guy´s thing. He had a small part in “The Burrowers” and he kinda overdid that one as well, but not as much as he does here. In this one he plays Matchstick, who´s your standard type of psychopath who likes to drench his victims in kerosene and light them on fire. And since he´s a psycho, naturally he´s disfigured. I´m telling ya, if this Hutchinson guy doesn´t watch himself, he´s gonna be the new Nicolas Cage! He´s definitely moving into the Nicolas Cage-realm of overacting.
Also, a note to filmmakers: if you´re gonna have a character who lights people on fire every five minutes and if you don´t have the budget to shoot the god damn thing for real, don´t bother! CGI-fire looks pretty shitty still.
But hey, there´s still a couple of good things about this movie. Thomas Jane delivers a solid performance, as always. I´d like to see him portray this kind of detective again. Come to think of it, this Malone character would make for a pretty cool franchise. You just switch out the word “Hell” in the title for every new installment: “Give ´Em Torment, Malone”, “Give ´Em Misery, Malone”, “Give ´Em Nightmares, Malone”… The possibilities are endless! Hell, they could even start making porno-spin off´s: “Give ´Em Cock, Malone”, “Give ´Em Gonorrhea, Malone” and so on… I´m sensing a whole industry here!
Another good thing is the fact that they have cast French Stewart (you know, that squinting guy from “Third Rock From The Sun”) as a sleazy lounge singer called Frankie The Crooner and he´s pretty funny. After seeing this and his excellent turn in “Surveillance”, I am convinced that this guy doesn´t get enough roles. It´s always fun to see comedians play against type so good call on that one, Mulcahy.
I guess this one´s worth devoting an hour and a half for. It´s not great but definitely above average when it comes to straight-to-DVD-private-detective-flicks. Not a particularly big genre these days unfortunately, so it´s good to see Jane & Mulcahy treat this movie with way more respect than it probably deserves.
Until next time: take scare!
Thomas
