2012 (2009)
What is it with German directors and their perverse, undying patriotism for America? Think about it, for chrissakes: one of the most patriotic and idiotic action movies of the last twenty years has got to be “Air Force One”, starring a resolute-looking Harrison Ford (not a big stretch for him, considering the fact that he has had the same expression on his face ever since he starred in “Blade Runner”) as the President of the United States, and who directed that one? Was it some right-wing, gun-toting, card-carrying NRA member? Hell no, it was Wolfgang Petersen, a goddamn German! And what about this “Terminator”-guy who´s governing California? Admittedly, he´s not German but Austrian and that´s like comparing Brits and Scots for us outsiders so let´s go with the flow here, ok? Arnold is as good as German and he´s a close personal friend of George W. Bush. One would think that when you move to the states from Europe, you would have a different perspective on their politics and not buy the concept of “Land of the free and home of the brave” quite as easy, right? One would think that you would be able to see America for what it is, with its faults as well as the things that makes it great. Well, that sure hasn´t come across in any of Petersen´s American movies, has it?
And then we have this Roland Emmerich fella. He´s German, too. And guess which movies this fucker has directed? We´re talking about “The Patriot”, starring Mel Gibson, and “Independence Day” here! I absolutely hate these movies. I can´t stand “Independence Day” and if there´s one thing that makes me wanna claw out my eyes and slit my wrists, it´s that goddamn scene where Bill Pullman gives his address to the nation where he proclaims that “Today we celebrate Independence Day!” Jesus Christ! Or how about the scene where Will Smith knocks out an alien and quips “Welcome to earth!” Christ, Don´t get me started… There´s just too many shitty things to even mention.
But the weird thing is that just like Petersen, Emmerich is a German director who has made a movie that features the American president as the hero. What the hell is up with that? Why didn´t they make any of these movies while they were still in Germany? I´d love to see an action movie where the German chancellor is a hard hitting hero. I mean, why is it that just the American president can be a hero? How about the president of Poland? Don´t they have any high jacking over there?
But when it comes to this Emmerich guy, I have mixed feelings. Like I said, he´s also responsible for “The Patriot” which is an absolutely dreadful waste of celluloid. I mean, Mel Gibson plays a southern plantation owner during the American Civil War, but he´s one of those nice slave owners, ok? His slaves are more like employees and at one point in the movie, Gibson ends up in some sort of safe haven for black slaves, where they all live in peace and harmony. Were these kinds of villages common during the war? Christ, what a load of crap.
So, Emmerich´s responsible for these two crap fests of movies, but the thing is that when it comes to blowing things up, he is the man! He is one of the world´s foremost directors of huge disaster movies, there´s no denying that. I mean, look at “The Day After Tomorrow”! I kinda liked that one and the scenes where Mother Nature wreaks havoc upon mankind are pretty impressive. And that´s basically the reason why I was a bit curious to check out his latest epic disaster extravaganza, “2012”. That and the fact that it stars John Cusack. I kinda like him, as well.
Now, I didn´t have very high expectations going in. It´s not like this movie is a frontrunner for the Oscars, right? But guess what, it isn´t half bad. It´s kinda fun, actually. And when I say “fun” I mean that in the kind of way that only an American disaster movie with a budget the size of a large country can be: slightly retarded, but entertaining. But like so many disaster movies before it, this one never quite realizes when enough is enough. I mean, it´s close to three fucking hours long and that, my friends, is just too much for even the most jaded viewers out there. There are so many plotlines and characters that you can´t maintain your interest in every one of them. And naturally, the one I found most intriguing and appealing is the one we get to see the least of. I´m talking about the one where George Segal and Blu Mankuma play a couple of old musicians working on a cruise ship. These characters basically serves as a segue for enriching Chiwetel Ejioufour´s character, Adrian Helmsley, who´s a top notch scientist and working for our very brave, kind and noble President of the United States (you didn´t see that one coming, did ya? A brave president! In a movie directed by Roland Emmerich? Holy crap!). By the way, the president is played by Danny Glover and not once does he say, “I´m too old for this shit…”
Anyway, the main story line is the one about a washed up sci-fi author played by John Cusack, his two kids, ex-wife and her new husband. Why is it that they can´t make one single goddamn disaster movie without these annoying, whining kids? Who decided that they have to be in there? “The Towering Inferno” didn´t have any kids in it, did it? As I remember it, instead we got Steve fucking McQueen and Paul goddamn Newman trying to out-man each other, while staring death in the eye. Why can´t we make ´em like that anymore?
And it´s not enough with the kids, either! For those of you out there who´s sober enough to remember the abomination that was “Independence Day”, I have two words for you: the dog! The goddamn dog that escapes the explosion in the tunnel! Why does there always have to be a dog that just barely escapes? We get that in “2012”, as well. I don´t know about you but if I was about to escape, while the ground under my feet were being engulfed by flames and shit, I wouldn´t want a poodle slowing me down, that´s for sure!
As you might´ve figured out, “2012” isn´t the movie you wanna watch if you´re looking for a groundbreaking effort in film. It´s got every cliché you can imagine but the thing is that the movie still kind of zips by and it doesn´t feel like it´s close to three hours. And why is that? It´s because Emmerich knows his shit! I´ll even go so far as to say that the first hour is pretty spectacular. But that brings us to the infamous Emmerich-curse. The man always opens with a great first hour or 45 minutes but then he has trouble maintaining that level of excitement. Think about the opening to “Godzilla”: remember the buildup, when you don´t get to see the creature? Or “The Day After Tomorrow”? Same thing. The man is just too good at these types of scenes, where he shows us small signs and hints at what´s about to come because the rest of the movies never quite lives up to this. Unfortunately, “2012” is no exception because when the movie gets going and we´re in full catastrophe mode, it kinda bogs down.
And just like the movie´s running time, the scenes of buildings collapsing, mountains overflowing with tsunamis and landmarks being torn to shreds becomes a bit too much about two hours into the movie. I mean, the effects are pretty spectacular and I was really impressed by the scene where Cusack escapes with his family from Pasadena while it is sinking into what looks like hell, but when you see an airplane flying sideways through two collapsing skyscrapers for the third time, it´s hard to get too riled up about it, ok? Emmerich just doesn´t know when to hold back and that´s his major fault as a filmmaker, I guess. That and the fact that he has no shame whatsoever about re-using ancient clichés as a means to tug away at your heart strings like a goddamn puppeteer! Roland Emmerich is not a subtle filmmaker, if we put it that way.
But I was kinda surprised by how much I enjoyed this movie. I went in, fully prepared to vehemently dislike it and armed to the teeth with snappy putdowns but it seemed like I had lowered my expectations too much. And I had absolutely no idea that Woody Harrelson was gonna be in it, so that was a pleasant surprise, as well. That can brighten any day. Emmerich´s last movie, “10, 000 B.C.” was fantastically bad, almost so bad that it was entertaining, so this one was a major improvement. But that´s not enough, not only did I not expect to see Woody Harrelson in this one but about forty minutes into the movie a character named Yuri Karpov shows up. He´s this Russian gangster/business man and he´s played by none other than the magnificent Zlatko Buric! You may not recognize his name but he´s the guy who set the screen on fire as Milo in the “Pusher”-trilogy. Emmerich deserves some kind of award for bringing this amazing actor to the great masses! Stephen Frears beat him to it by a couple of years with the excellent “Dirty Pretty Things” but he has a much bigger part in “2012” and I really hope that he gets a lot more parts thanks to this.
And no matter how much of a hack Emmerich may be when it comes to creating believable drama in the scenes that he uses to fill out the void between the scenes with the explosions, he is pretty fantastic at creating these huge scenes of chaos, without them ever getting too confusing. And that, my friends, is a dying art form. I had no problem whatsoever to understand what was going on, where the characters were in relation to the oncoming threat and so on. Imagine if Michael “three-million-cuts-a-second” Bay would be directing this movie? Anyone remember the final fight from “Transformers”? I sure as hell don´t because I couldn´t understand a god damn thing of what was going on. Buildings were destroyed; I got that much but that´s about it. So good for you, Emmerich, that you still have the skill to create an exciting, old fashioned action sequence by using CGI, without going overboard with it! Good job!
One thing that I found kinda funny is the fact that the character of Cusack´s daughter still wets her bed and this is mentioned quite a few times during the movie and I couldn´t for the life of me understand why. First we get to see Amanda Peet (who plays Cusack´s ex-wife) pack down her diapers and explain to him that “Yes, she still wets her bed even though she is 7 or 8 years old” and then we get to see her shop for some more diapers in a supermarket and then the final line of movie is something that has to do with this, as well. What´s up with that, Emmerich? What is it about a 7-year old girl´s bedwetting habits that you find so interesting that you keep returning to it, over and over again? Is this a motif in the movie? That even though the whole world is destroyed, it might cure you from pissing your bed? I´m not sure I fully understood this aspect of the movie.
By the way, an interesting thing is that the Mayan calendar ends December 21st 2012 and that is when the world will supposedly end, according to the freaks out there. Guess what, people? December 21st is none other than yours truly´s name day! So if the world will end on this particular day, I can guarantee you that that will be the first time I´ll be celebrating my name day in style! And I´m not talking about cake or anything like that, I´m talking about whiskey, wine, rum and cheap drugs! And you´re all invited!
Until next time: take scare!
Thomas