HARDWARE (1990)
A week or so back, the fantastic sci-fi-horror-flick “Hardware” was finally released on DVD in an edition worthy of its name. And wouldn´t you know it? A year or so back I wrote a pretty darn fantastic review of it, so it´s time for some recycling now. We´ve gotta think about nature, right? That´s why I give you my take on this awesome film and don´t worry, I´ve updated it. This was the way I intended to write it the first time around so one might say that this is “Hardware – The review (Writer´s Cut)” so pour yourself a glass and lean back. Here we go:
You have to admit that living in the future seems to suck, doesn´t it? Just think about it: have you ever seen a sci-fi movie where they depicted the future in a way that you thought “Christ, wouldn´t it be awesome to live there”? I´m sure that there have been many movies but I can´t think of any right now. Except for that crappy “The Island”-movie by Michael Bay. I don’t know about you but Scarlett Johansson in a tight, white dress is something that I could learn to live with in the future. But if you think about the sci-fi classics of recent years, their take on the future kinda suck: “Children of Men”, “Starship Troopers”, “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace” (just kidding!)… And Richard Stanley´s “Hardware” is no exception. I can´t even begin to describe how much it would suck to live in the city where this one takes place. It´s an absolute mess! It´s the standard deal for these kinda movies: there seems to have been some kind of nuclear war or something so the decaying city is surrounded by a wasteland where only the hardest badasses , like Moe (played by Dylan McDermott), dare to venture.
In the first scene Moe is hanging out at a weird-looking pawn shop, run by a freaky-looking dwarf (yes, it´s THAT kinda movie). While Moe´s making small talk there, a “Nomad” wanders in (surprisingly enough, played by near recluse Carl McCoy, singer in Goth rockers Fields of the Nephilim). He sells Moe the remains of a warrior robot called MARK 13. Moe buys it for his girlfriend Jill (Stacy Travis, who is one of the few women in sci-fi history who I actually believe could kick Linda Hamilton´s ass), who´s into making strange metal sculptures. He brings it home to her, she´s ecstatic, which is a good thing for us cause that means we get a dirty looking sex scene in the shower. But then the infamous shit starts to hit that old fan…
Whenever you buy a used warrior robot for your girlfriend you can bet your ass that it´s gonna start re-assembling itself when you´re not there to protect her, right? I hate it when that happens. Actually, I wouldn´t know. I once briefly dated an art-chick and while I tried very hard to get her a killer robot, I couldn´t find any. Maybe that was why it didn´t work out. But maybe it was for the greater good cause then she would´ve been forced to get out her old chainsaw and go Leatherface on the poor old robot´s ass… That can´t be good for any relationship.
“Hardware” was written and directed by Richard Stanley. It was his debut film and that´s pretty impressive, by any standards. He wasn´t that old either. About 25, I think, and that´s a hell of a lot more than I had accomplished when I was 25. I´m pretty embarrassed now. Although the film is pretty dated in some places, I still think that it holds up. Stanley really manages to create a believable “Mad Max”-type kind of world on the low budget he had to play with. However, there is one thing that bothers me. He decided to shoot the whole thing through a red-looking filter and this is the main objection I have when watching the film today. I remember thinking that it looked awesome when I saw it the first time but this effect was used to death during the 90´s. It´s kind of like the filters they use on those damn “CSI”-shows. You know, in the “New York”-one everything has a blue-tinted feel and the one that´s set in Miami has the same color as David Caruso´s hair. “Hardware” kind of looks like that and that can get to be quite a burden for the eye. Other than that, it´s top notch! The future in “Hardware” is dirty, clothes and vehicles are worn-out and everything feels used and lived in. Not like the god damn CGI-movies they make nowadays.
Oh wait, there is one more thing that kind of sucks and that´s the soundtrack. It´s pretty dated, too. There´s this weird song that keeps playing throughout the film, where everything they seem to be singing is “This is what you want, this is what you get”. I have no idea what that´s supposed to mean! Did she WANT to get locked in an apartment and chased by a bloodthirsty, horny robot, so that´s why she got it? It has to have some significance cause it´s not that great of a song for Stanley to include it otherwise. I´m sure it means something but hey, I´m no Dr. Phil!
As you can see, the future of “Hardware” is a pretty grim and depressing place. The film is bookended by a radio DJ, Angry Bob (voiced by a rabid Iggy Pop), who spews doomsday-propaganda and let me tell you: I´d hate to wake up to that in the morning. Not a good start to the day. Not only that, just to illustrate exactly how grim and hard the future is, there´s a scene where Moe and his friend Shades grab a water-taxi, driven by none other than Lemmy! They don´t call him Lemmy or anything like that (he´s credited as Taxi Driver) but during the ride he says “Check this out” and plays a tape with Motörhead´s “Killed By Death”. Now, it comes as no shock to me that Lemmy would survive a third world war. I can picture it: after the dust settles and the cockroaches come crawling out, it wouldn´t be long before Lemmy and Keith Richards would be right there beside them, snorting whisky and shooting cocaine. I mean, they´ll never die! If they´ve survived this far, nothing will kill ´em! So Lemmy managed to survive the blast wave but not even a bona fide rock´n´roll legend like him is able to make a living on his music in this cruel future world? He has to drive a cab, for chrissakes! That´s just wrong! I mean what´s next: Glenn Danzig driving a fucking bus? It´s every man for himself in the future, kids. Remember that!
Also, there´s this whole part with Jill´s extraordinarily creepy neighbor who has drilled small peepholes through the bathroom wall, Norman Bates-style, so he can watch her shower and stuff like that. He´s played by the late, great William Hootkins, who some of you might recognize from the original “Star Wars” as Pilot Red Six at the end when the Death Star goes to smithereens. He gets to say some pretty obscene lines but I´ll let you see that for yourself. If I´d write them here, I´d probably get flagged by some government official.
So like I mentioned, finally this movie is available on Region 1 DVD and it´s a pretty fantastic edition. It´s Severin Films who´s done the world a great cultural favor by releasing this. It´s a double disc and contains a shitload of extras, like Richard Stanley´s short films and a near hour long making of that´s pretty fascinating. Stanley is always a great subject for interviews: candid, eloquent, intelligent and fascinating. The guy´s a class act and it´s great to hear him talk about the making of this movie! Unfortunately, this making of doesn´t touch upon the rift that occurred between Stanley and Dylan McDermott, which I would´ve loved to hear his take on. But we do get to hear (and see!) Stacy Travis talk about the making of it and she still looks great! I remember seeing this movie when I was about 12 or 13 and I was absolutely mesmerized by her and the deep red color of her hair. Maybe that´s why I´ve always had a weakness for women with chainsaws ever since, hmmm… But it´s a shame that this girl didn´t get bigger roles after this one! I´ve seen her in a couple of TV shows every now and then and she had a pretty big part in “Ghost World” but she deserves better. Oh well, Stacy… at least we´ll always have Paris, huh?
The best part of the Bonus Material on this DVD has to be when Lemmy shows up, filmed in a bar, wearing a German Nazi Officer´s hat explaining how he got offered the part and how “... this geezer came up in a bar and offered me money to show up…” There is only one Lemmy, folks!
One of the great tragedies of our time is not the Vietnam War or even the Second World War, as some of you might think, but the fact that Stanley never got to film his sequel. I´ve actually read the script, it´s available online (that´s how big of a nerd I am!) and it would´ve been absolutely frickin´ awesome to see it on the screen. It´s a pretty crazy script and Stanley´s talked about it in interviews and how he envisions it as an apocalyptic sci-fi western influenced by Sergio Leone´s “Dollar”-trilogy. If that doesn´t get your pulse racing, you my friend, is one cold and cruel individual. Once again I find myself wishing that I was a drug kingpin, just so that I could bankroll Stanley´s film. This man has a unique vision of the world and anyone who´s seen “Dust Devil” can testify to the fact that he´s able to pull off the scope of a Leone-film. Just check out the opening scenes where Robert John Burke´s hitchhiker invokes the spirit of Clint Eastwood´s Man With No Name. He talks about it briefly in a featurette on the DVD and it´s just as heartbreaking every time to hear him enthusiastically describe different scenes from it. To think that we will never get have the privilege to see this on the screen makes me cry a bit every time…
That´s it, fiends! I´m washed out. See ya and until then: take scare!
Thomas