Last Blog On The Left

I wonder what the filmmaker´s aspirations were thinking when they set out to make this one? Did they really wanted to make a thriller that wasn´t particularly thrilling? Or how about a horror movie that didn´t have any horrific elements in it? And why the hell do you wanna hire Kate Beckinsale and have her strip down to her underwear in the opening scenes, but no nudity? That´s just cruel, man. But the thing is that this sums up the movie pretty good: “Whiteout” is a perfect example of “middle-of-the-road”-filmmaking. This is mediocrity in its finest (or worst) form: neither too bad to be upsetting or too good to be captivating. It just is. Kind of like when the titular whiteout occurs, it´s hard to know exactly what is going on because it´s just too uninteresting. But here´s what I managed to figure out:

U.S. Marshal Carrie Stetko (Kate Beckinsale) is the only one assigned to Antarctica and must investigate a murder there within three days, before the Antarctic winter begins. She crosses paths with a U.N. operative (Gabriel Macht), also investigating the murder, and gets help from the stationed local doctor Fury (played by Tom Skerritt).

Not exactly groundbreaking stuff. Nor icebreaking either, for that matter. This is a painfully predictable movie that keeps lumbering along until the familiar conclusion, complete with a twist that everyone sees coming a mile away, arrives. Not only that, they even managed to fill the movie with particularly bland actors. Some of them have such a lack of personalities that they blend in with the Antarctic ice, for chrissakes! Don´t get me wrong, I like Kate Beckinsale as much as the next guy, but let´s face it: she´s not that great of an actress. I think it´s cool that she isn´t afraid to delve into genre stuff, like the “Underworld”-movies, as well as some heavyweight drama stuff like “Snow Angels”. That way everybody´s happy: the critics and the fanboys! If you look at her that way, she´s a goddamn spreader of goodwill! She could be the one factor that makes both bitter critics and horny geeks around the globe take each other´s hands and sing “We shall overcome”! In this regard she´s kind of like the female version of Thomas Jane. He isn´t afraid to take the lead in something like “Give ´Em Hell, Malone”, as well as pop up in something as culturally highbrow as Terence Malick´s “The Thin Red Line”. Hell, the two of them should get together and make a baby. Imagine that: a genetically superior being, who would dominate every genre: horror, sci-fi and drama! Christ, that kid could be the ruler of the free world.

But anyway, this Beckinsale gal isn´t that good. Neither is this Gabriel Macht fella who isn´t having much luck with his career. I kinda feel bad for him. First he got the lead in what everybody thought was going to be a huge hit: Frank Miller´s insane so-bad-that-it´s-good “The Spirit” and now he gets to star in this one. He keeps picking the duds. I bet that both of these movies looked good on paper and he must´ve been extremely happy when he got those roles but imagine the look on this poor guy´s face when he´d seen “The Spirit” for the first time? I would definitely feel more sorry for him unless it wasn´t for the fact that he isn´t a particularly good actor, either. He played The Spirit as if he was a horny drunk stumbling around without a fucking clue what was going on and it´s not like he leaves an impression in this one either.

That leaves poor old Tom Skerritt, who still has it going on. It´s a shame this guy doesn´t get more roles because he has this genuine warmth and charisma that makes you like and care for him instantly. He does a pretty decent job as the father-figure-like doctor here but it´s not like has very much to work with. In all fairness, neither does Beckinsale or Macht but at least Skerritt takes the script and runs with it a bit. But I´m not surprised. After all, we´re talking Dallas from the first “Alien” here!

I bet that the producers thought that they´d gotten a real coup when they landed Dominic Sena to direct their movie and if this were ten years ago from now, maybe they had. You see, back in 2000 Dominic Sena was one of those hot music video directors that everyone wanted to work with and his first feature was “Gone in Sixty Seconds”, which was a huge hit. Don´t ask me why. I think that people maybe flocked to the theatres to check out what has to be some of the worst hairstyles in movie history: Nicolas Cage with blonde hair and Angelina Jolie in dreads! Talk about a bad hair day. Actually, “Bad hair year” is more like it.

But anyway, I guess that “Gone in Sixty Dreadlocks” was a slick action movie, which Sena then followed up with “Swordfish”, starring John Travolta in an awful frosted haircut (hey Dominic, I´m sensing a pattern here!), which was also a hit. But then nothing happened. Sena directed a TV movie, which I haven´t seen, but except for that he hasn´t made a movie in nine years, which is a pretty long time if you ask me. I don´t know if that has anything to do with the fact that this one isn´t as slick or commercial-like in its look. Maybe it´s a budgetary issue, what the hell do I know, but you can´t tell that this one was directed by Sena in any way whatsoever. So I guess you bummed out on that one, producers!

But I shouldn´t put too much blame on Sena when it comes to how uninteresting this movie is. I´m guessing that the script was intended to be a low budget thriller but then Beckinsale got attached and then everyone thought “Holy shit, we can release this theatrically! That girl in the Spandex suit from the “”Underworld” rocks! Everybody loves her so this´ll be a huge hit!”

But you see, even if you polish a turd, it will remain a turd. I think. I haven´t actually polished someone´s fecal remains but I´m guessing that it will remain in its shit-like shape. That´s why this movie screams out “low budget B-movie-thriller conventions up ahead!” at every junction it approaches. I mean, you have the obligatory character that has to take every chance and explain the obvious out loud so that no one misunderstands what has happened. I mean, is it possible that the guy with a knife in his back has been… I don´t know, murdered? In case someone doesn´t understand this, we better have a character spell this out.

But where the movie really misses what could have been a great element, story-wise, is when (SPOILER-ALERT!!!) Beckinsale has to venture out into the cold and contracts gangrene. Two of her fingers have to come off. Chop, chop, just like that! That´s the coolest thing about the movie but the filmmakers doesn´t seem to realize this. I mean, imagine if David Cronenberg would´ve directed this: then we wouldn´t have been dealing with a couple of lousy fingers, then Beckinsale would have been forced to amputate her whole arm and then she´d get tangled up in a weird S&M-like sexual relationship with Skerritt, who´s about 30 years her senior, or something like that. That´s the kind of movie I´d like to watch!

Sadly, the writer and director were of another opinion so they completely fumble the ball when it comes to this sequence and the effect it could´ve had on the entire movie. It could´ve added a weird psychosexual element to it, but instead we get to watch Beckinsale cry when she realizes she has to be amputated. And that´s about it. After that she seem pretty alright.

Anyway, there have been a number of films in recent years that have dealt with the concept of the Antarctic winter and I´m sad to say that they were all superior to this one. “30 Days of Night” was a great take on vampirism and the Swedish flick “Frostbite” was also a hell of a lot more entertaining than this one. But then again, both those movies had vampires in them. Maybe Beckinsale should have that written into her contract: a vampire clausal! I bet that this movie would have been a lot more fun if it turned out that it was vampires that were doing the killing. Amputated vampires, maybe…

But oh no… nobody ever listens to me.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Hey, remember that character Zed from the ”Police Academy”-movies? The guy who screamed in that high pitched voice? He was played by Bobcat Goldthwait, who kinda disappeared from the limelight after his much heralded, celebrated turn as the screaming police rookie. Kind of like Steve Guttenberg, who played Mahoney, also did. But Guttenberg kept churning out movies, at least that much we know. But whatever happened to Goldthwait? Did he get hooked on heroin and die? Does he work as a limo driver in L.A.? Does he run a meth lab in New Mexico? Did he start appearing in any of the many reality shows and humiliates himself for a shot at reaching the headlines once again? The possibilities are endless for an actor who´s out of demand. But Goldthwait did not succumb to any of these temptations. His story is much more interesting.

You see, Goldthwait started writing and directing. He´s worked on a number of TV shows as well as at least three movies. The first one was released back in ´91. It´s called “Shakes the Clown” and is sort of a precursor to “Bad Santa” and “Bad News Bears” and other profanity-laden comedies with an alcoholic lead. It´s a pretty funny movie but it would take until 2006 until Goldthwait got another movie of the ground: “Stay” aka “Sleeping Dogs Lie” which is a fantastic little film. It´s basically your ordinary story of how a college girl´s decision to satisfy her dog orally, comes to affect her adult life, when faced with such things as relationships and marriage.

The other day I sat down to watch his latest movie, “World´s Greatest Dad”, starring Robin Williams. Now, I know what you´re thinking: “Which Robin Williams is it we´re talking about here? Is it the hyperactive, talking-a-mile-a-minute, frenetic one from “Good Morning, Vietnam” or is it the low-key one from “Good Will Hunting” and “One Hour Photo”?” Thankfully, it´s the latter. I don´t know about you but I much prefer the low-key human version of Robin Williams instead of the Energizer bunny one. And that´s we get here and surprisingly, it´s one of William´s best performances ever!

Now, before I get into what this movie is all about I really do recommend that you stop reading and watch the goddamn thing first because this is one of those flicks where the less you know, the better it is. Ok? You got that. Here we go:

Williams plays Lance Clayton, a high school poetry teacher who nurtures dreams of being a rich and famous writer. His only son Kyle (Daryl Sabara) is an insufferable jackass who won’t give his father the time of day.  Lance is dating Claire (Alexie Gilmore), the school’s art teacher, but she doesn’t want to get serious — or even acknowledge publicly that they are dating. Then, in the wake of a freak accident, Lance suffers the worst tragedy and greatest opportunity of his life. He is suddenly faced with the possibility of all the fame, fortune and popularity he ever dreamed of, if he can only live with the knowledge of how he got there.

First of all there´s one thing you need to know: this is a comedy aimed squarely at an adult audience. And by that, I don´t means that it contains hardcore pornography but that it deals with things that I don´t think any teenagers out there would find particularly amusing. It´s pretty dark stuff. I´m gonna have to give you a SPOILER-ALERT!!! here because it´s pretty hard to discuss this one any further without giving away what happens. So at the next junction there will be a huge SPOILER!!!-sign, ok? So go watch the movie and we´ll meet back here in about two hours, ok?

Approximately two hours later…

So, aren´t you glad that you´ve seen the movie now? Imagine the fantastic discussions we can have now? Admit that you were kinda surprised when Williams found his obnoxious son dead, after he strangled himself while masturbating? The fact that the little fucker had jacked off to the photos he took of Claire´s underwear didn´t make things better, did it? Pretty fucked up stuff. But that´s what makes this movie so good.

It´s a pretty fantastic premise and this is a pretty bold movie. I mean, how many movies have you seen that is set in the high school environment, where one of the leads is a teenage kids who´s into German scheisse-porn, spies on his 70 year old neighbor while she undresses and jacks off? Larry Clarke´s movies doesn´t count. That doesn´t leave that many, does it?

After Kyle´s death, the movie moves into “Heathers”-territory because Williams does what probably most parents would do: in order to give his son some kind of dignity he re-arranges the body so that it looks like a suicide. But the thing is that he also writes a suicide letter. I´m not that sure that that many parents would do that, though. But Williams does and since he´s an unpublished, experienced writer, he´s got a way with words and Kyle´s suicide letter is published in the local paper and suddenly everyone feels sorry for the kid. Other kids at school starts wearing pins with Kyle´s face; kids that couldn´t give a flying fuck about him while he was still alive. Kyle´s letter becomes an expression and a poster boy for everyone´s pain so Williams takes it one step further: he writes an entire journal, claiming it´s Kyle´s. He can´t resist the temptation of having an audience actually read his material.

Now, this sounds like a pretty unsympathetic movie filled with despicable characters, doesn´t it? Queasy as hell, right? Well, the surprising thing is that it isn´t. Goldthwait definitely has a sweet streak in him and that´s really what elevates this film from being just a “good” film to a frickin´ great one! I really liked “Stay” but this one is even better.

It reminds of the kind of fantastic, American movies they used to make back in the 70´s: darkly funny, original characters and an off-beat storyline. And it´s the characters that really make this movie work. Williams is fantastic in his role but this kid, Daryl Sabara, is pretty goddamn great as Kyle, as well. Which is kind of disconcerting. I don´t know if you recognize his name but he´s actually the kid from Robert Rodriguez´s “Spy Kids”-movies. So this is what he graduated to: auto-asphyxiation! What the hell happened to him at the set of those movies? Hollywood sure corrupted him.

This guy Henry Simmons (who I swear looks just like The Rock) is also good as Mike, another teacher who starts spending time with Claire. Which I can´t blame him for because Alexie Gilmore is almost too sweet to describe in this role. That´s the only thing I had a hard time buying: that a girl this pretty and sweet would wanna spend time with an old dude like Robin Williams. But the great thing about the characters, particularly Claire, is that even though she is this sweet and charming woman, she´s also kind of the villain of the movie in the way that she starts hanging out with Mike a bit too frequently. Goldthwait really manages to create believable characters and you buy the relationships they have. It´s like you´re dropped into a world with fully rounded characters and this is what´s going on at the moment. Actually, it kind of reminded me of a Paul Thomas Anderson-movie, in that regard. Particularly the scene where Williams finds his dead son. It´s a heartbreaking sequence played in slow motion and without any natural sounds, with a song playing on the soundtrack. It´s quite touching and for some reason it reminded me of the scene in “Magnolia” when everyone starts singing along to that Aimee Mann-tune. Williams is fantastic in this scene.

I think that along with “Stay” and this one, Goldthwait is one of the more original voices in American comedy today and I´m really looking forward to whatever his next project may be. I really hope that this gets to continue keep making the movies that he wants to do because the world needs ´em. Ah screw that, I need ´em! There ain´t that many dark comedies worth their salt out there today and we need more filmmakers who aren´t afraid to touch upon the darker aspects of life but still maintain a sweet streak about the whole thing.

It would be interesting to know exactly how many families rented this one based on its title and the cover and expected a nice Disney-like comedy, starring their beloved funnyman Robin Williams. I mean look at the cover at the top! It doesn´t exactly scream: “Hey, fucker! Wanna watch a truly original, dark-as-hell comedy about a kid who strangles himself while beating off and how his dad, played by Mork from Ork, covers the whole thing up? You wanna watch that? Then rent me!”

Man, I´d love to see the look on people´s faces who mistakenly thinks they´d gotten “Old Dogs”, instead. Serves ´em right, the fuckers.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Friends and family, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a dear old friend. It is a sad day because yet another horror movie franchise has passed away and we are left behind to wonder where it all went wrong. I know that many of you here have been friends with his particular franchise for many years. You´ve shared some laughs as well as thrills. But that´s all gone now. Instead of quitting while they were ahead, they kept on flogging what (according to many people) was, in fact, a dead horse. And that is why we are here, to witness the final nail being driven into the “Final Destination”-franchise´s coffin.

Let´s not argue and spend too much time pointing fingers at whose fault it was. Some might say it´s director David Ellis´ fault, some might blame the producers. I blame them all! I also blame 3-D! This is definitely the worst example of 3-D in this “new wave” of 3-D movies we´ve been seeing these last couple of years. I enjoyed “My Bloody Valentine” even though it wasn´t spectacular in any way because t had sort of a depraved charm and some entertaining kills in it. The fact that it had a fornicating dwarf in it didn´t make things worse, either. But this installment in the “Final Destination”-franchise is completely devoid of charm, laughs and wit. It´s got some pretty good gore in it but that doesn´t help.

I actually had some hope for this movie. It is directed by David Ellis, after all. He was the guy who helmed the second one. You know the one with the spectacular highway crash at the beginning? The best of the bunch, if you ask me. So I figured “Hey, if he´s returning to the franchise it might be kinda cool! He did a couple of entertaining flicks with “Cellular” and “Snakes on a Plane” so it can´t be all bad”. But then I remembered that he directed “Asylum” as well. And that, my friends, is a movie that is so bad that I´d rather go to the goddamn dentist before sitting through that one again. But I chose to ignore that and tried to focus on the good things in life. That didn´t last very long.

Because like I mentioned earlier, “The Final Destination” (as this one is called, I guess that this franchise has become too posh to use a “IV” or “4” in its title) sucks! I don´t know what they were thinking when they were making this one. First of all, who the hell cast it? It´s been a long time since I´ve seen a bunch of blander actors! Christ, if you´re gonna scavenge a bunch of comedy shows for your cast, at least pick someone who can act! Don´t go with this guy Nick Zano, whose only thing in life he´s got going for him is the fact that he reminds me of Mark Paul Gosselaar from “Saved By The Bell”. Is that really what the world needs: a new Mark Paul Gosselaar? I don´t think so. We´ve finally gotten rid of the original one, now there´s this Zano-guy to deal with. When will it end?

And then there´s the female members of the cast. To be honest, I can´t remember a single one of ´em. That´s how bland these girls are. I couldn´t tell them apart, for chrissakes! And that´s never a good thing, is it? The only one who left any kind of impression was Krista Allen, but she had a pretty small part.

Now, like I mentioned this movie was shot in 3D but both you and I know that the kind of 3D that we are treated to at home, with those green and red glasses, are pretty shitty. It´s not like that whole “Avatar” shit that James Cameron has going on. This rules out the idea of watching this movie in anything but 2D, if you´re gonna watch the DVD at home. But you see, the thing is that Ellis has so relied on the 3D effect for so many of his scenes that they just become laughable when you watch them in regular 2D. It´s pretty apparent that this is nothing but a bad horror movie with some very, very weird camera angles.

And to be honest, it´s kinda hard to keep any franchise, no matter which one it is, fresh and alive after three installments. Does it come as a surprise to anyone when a lead character is walking across the street and is suddenly hit by an oncoming bus? Oh my god, what a shock! Just like in the other “Final Destination”-movies? You gotta be fucking kidding me! I mean, how the hell fast does these trucks go in the middle of these cities? I´d constantly be on the lookout if I lived in this town. I´d be scared shitless just walking down the street.

Another contributing factor to why this movie isn´t as enjoyable as the earlier ones is because the death scenes in those were much more “organic”. In this one it feels like the filmmakers have given up totally and created the whole god damn thing on their computer. I mean, who the hell wants to watch a bunch of kids being killed that way? Death by CGI? Not for me, thanks.

It is brutally obvious while watching this one that this is a franchise that has run its course. This one is running on formula now and nothing but formula! If they insist on making a fifth one, they really need to get a hungry, up-and-coming director who can inject the franchise with some fresh blood because as far as this one goes, David Ellis is pretty much phoning it in. Maybe that Darren Lynn Bousman who took over the “Saw”-franchise could give this one a try? Get some booby traps that cut off people´s dicks while they are drilling through their own teeth to find some key in there, as well? Hell, I´d watch that.

Now, if you haven´t seen this movie and still harbors some hope of it actually being good and wanna watch it, I suggest that you avert your eyes because I am going to ruin the ending for ya, ok? Major SPOILER-ALERT!!! coming up.

The major problem that this (as well as many other franchises have) is the fact that they have no idea whatsoever how to end their movies. I didn´t mind that as much in the other “Final Destination”-movies but in this one it pissed me off. It´s obvious that Ellis & Co didn´t have a clue how to do it with this one. It´s the same deal as always: the leads think that they escaped Death´s icy clutches but wouldn´t you know it, just when things are hunky dory a goddamn truck comes crashing through the window of the café where they are enjoying their expensive cappucina/moccachino/frappuchino/alpachino-drinks! Great Scott! I guess that this is what everyone expects when you watch a “Final Destination”-movie but then Ellis has the nerve to cheat us out of the final shots of gore! The moment when the truck´s about to hit, he cuts to this goddamn X-ray effect that he used during the opening credits and that, my friends, for lack of  better words is nothing but a sucker punch to the audience. Who the hell wants to watch some X-ray figures get crushed and destroyed? I don´t.

Let´s lay this one to rest now, guys. This is one dead franchise.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

After being sent into a state of minor depression after sitting through both ”Gamer” and ”Surrogates”, I was feeling pretty sad there for a while. I´m not gonna lie to you: it was bad! I took to the bottle pretty hard and held a funeral service for the action genre as we know it in my apartment; I started talking to strangers on the tram, “Hey, how about that ‘Gamer’, huh? Pretty shitty movie, right?” I got a lot of weird looks during this period in my life. But just when things were at their worst, when the future was nothing but bleak, guess what pulled me out of my slump? A straight-to-DVD-flick, of all things.

I´m talking about the little movie that could, starring two of our time´s greatest action heroes, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren, reunited on the screen again! I´m talking about “Universal Soldier: Regeneration”.

I´m not even gonna try to tangle out the web that is the “Universal Soldier”-franchise. We know that Van Damme and Lundgren starred in the original one, directed by favorite whipping boy Roland Emmerich back in 1992, but then something strange happened. The franchise went hay-wire and we got at least two cable movies, “Universal Soldier II: Brothers in Arms” and “Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business”, which had Crazy Gary Busey and Burt Reynolds in minor parts. But that´s not all. Van Damme also starred in another sequel called “Universal Soldier: The Return” which, at least in Sweden, got a theatrical release. However, the mighty Dolph Lundgren was sorely missing from this film. But now they´re back together in what is the best straight-to-DVD-movie I´ve seen in a very long time.

To be honest, I wasn´t expecting much from this movie. I mean, who are we kidding here? This movie wasn´t gonna revolutionize filmmaking in any way but the thing is that both Van Damme and Lundgren has been making pretty good movies lately. We´re not talking masterpieces (except for Van Damme´s “JCVD”, which was nothing short of spectacular) but for low budget action films they´ve been pretty enjoyable. Lundgren´s “Missionary Man” was a cool throwback to the western genre and “Command Performance” was a stupid action flick, in the best sense of the word. Van Damme actually showed that he could act with the well-above average action thriller “Until Death” and “Shepherd: Border Patrol” was solid, as well. So you see, these guys have pulled themselves together the last couple of years. Yet, I wasn´t prepared for the fun that “Universal Soldier: Regeneration” had to offer.

Unlike Steven Seagal´s many eastern European-produced flicks of late, they don´t try to over-complicate the story in this one, which is the first stroke of genius that the filmmakers had. The movie opens with a bang when a bunch of terrorists in ski masks kidnaps a young man and a woman. The strange thing is that the lead kidnapper keeps getting hit, over and over again, but doesn´t seem to mind. With some stolen top-secret technology, these terrorists have created a next-generation Universal Soldier – an elite fighter genetically altered into a programmable killing machine. With this “UniSol” (played by Andrei “The Pit Bull” Arlovski, who´s apparently a former UFC fighter or something along those lines. Don´t ask me, I´m not into that shit) leading the way, they seize the crippled Chernobyl nuclear reactor, threatening to unleash a lethal radioactive cloud. The only one who can stop them is good old Luc Deveraux (Jean-Claude Van Damme). Luc gears up to take these on these fuckers but what he didn´t expect is the fact that they have managed to re-activate his old nemesis, Andrew Scott (Lundgren). Can you smell a showdown coming on?

Like I mentioned, the movie starts with a bang (literally) and director John Hyams keeps things moving along at a brisk pace. I think this might be quite an historic event in the history of straight-to-DVD-movies because not once did I look at the clock! This guy Hyams knows how to stage and shoot his fight scenes. When the Universal Soldiers lock horns with each other, it´s pretty savage and brutal stuff.

Now, if you recognize director Hyams last name it´s because he´s the son of director Peter Hyams, who directed Van Damme in “Sudden Death” and who´s also responsible for “Outland”, “The Relic” and “End of Days”. Oh, and “A Sound of Thunder” but let´s not bring that up. I don´t think he´ll appreciate that. Now, if you have talent in your family, why not make use of it, right? That´s why sonny boy John brought dad along to shoot the movie and it certainly paid off. This movie looks much better than its low budget straight-to-DVD-origins would allow.

Man, this is actually a pretty damn good movie! I´ll even go as far as to say that this will hold up against most of the big budget, theatrically released action movies we saw last year! This is a lean, mean motherfucker of an action flick that doesn´t try to over-explain things or turn the Universal Soldiers into heroes or anything like that. And that´s what makes it so good; even though Van Damme is the hero and fights the bad guys, he´s still a pretty creepy dude. Remember that the only thing he knows how to do is to fight. This can lead to some pretty uncomfortable situations, like when Luc is visiting a local restaurant with his handler and an old man walks towards them and Luc beats the living shit out of him, for no apparent reason other than he walked their way. That´s the kind of behavior we´re dealing with here and Hyams doesn´t let us forget that.

But the sad thing is that even the sun has its spots. And the spot in this case is that sadly, Dolph Lundgren doesn´t have enough screen time. He´s pretty great and looks scary as hell in this one. The fight scenes he has with Van Damme are well choreographed and they seem to move pretty quickly for a couple of old guys. It´s probably mostly body doubles but at least Hyams is good enough to hide it, unlike the directors who´ve been making Seagal´s last movies. But it´s too bad that Lundgren´s part isn´t bigger because he´s pretty great in this one! He even manages to convey a bit of sadness when he´s asked a couple of simple questions by one of the scientists and they realize that his brain works a bit too well. You see, that isn´t what´s expected of a Universal Soldier and when Lundgren realizes this, you actually feel some sympathy for the guy. And this is done without dialogue! In a straight-to-DVD-movie! Do you realize that this one is a keeper?

This is exactly what the action genre needs now: a solid, entertaining, brutal action movie that wasn´t edited by an epileptic with an attention disorder. Believe it or not, you can actually understand what´s going on in the action sequences in this one. Take that, “Gamer”!

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Christ, this had me worried when I started watching and I realized that it had Bruce Willis in a really bad looking wig. And I mean really bad looking. Forget about “The Jackal” or “Bandits”, forget about “Perfect Stranger” because what we have here is the mother of all bad Bruce-wigs. Fortunately it turns out that this is just Bruce´s surrogate, it´s not his real hair. Thank god for that! You see, in the future, humans live in isolation and only interact through robotic bodies that serve as surrogates. These surrogates all look young, perfect with no wrinkles and shit like that. If you remember how Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen looked at the beginning of “X-Men 3”, when they were airbrushed to look like their young selves, you´re pretty close. Anyway, several humans are murdered when their surrogates are destroyed so Bruce Willis has to investigate these crimes via his own surrogate. After a near fatal encounter, Bruce’s surrogate is destroyed and forces him to bring his human form out of isolation and venture out into the real world to kick some ass, Bruce Willis-style.

By the way, don´t you love that Bruce Willis has become the kind of actor that you don´t even bother learning his character´s name when you talk about his movies? You don´t go “… and then Malcolm Crowe realizes that he´s dead!” whenever you talk to someone about “The Sixth Sense”, do you? Of course you don´t! You go “… and then Bruce Willis realizes that he´s dead!”, right? Kinda like Clint Eastwood. Who the hell cares what his character´s name is? I love the fact that Bruce Willis has become that much of an icon. He´s not quite Clint yet, but he´s working on it. Who would´ve figured that when you stayed up late, just to catch “Moonlighting” on TV back in the day?

Anyway, let´s get down to the essentials: when the real Bruce Willis steps out into the future world, he looks like the Bruce Willis we all know and love: resolute and bald! So that´s all good. What´s not so good is, unfortunately, the rest of this movie. Like so many action movies I´ve seen lately, this one too feels like a missed opportunity. I mean, you´ve got Bruce Willis in a sci-fi-action movie and about 80 million dollars in budget and this is all you manage to come up with? If you´re gonna market a movie as an action movie starring Bruce Willis, you could at least to get some action in there. I don´t know if it ended up on the cutting room floor or what the hell happened but it sure as hell isn´t in the movie.

Maybe I was expecting too much. But the thing is that this movie was directed by Jonathan Mostow, who´s responsible for a whole slew of pretty entertaining action movies, like “Breakdown”, “U-571” and “Terminator 3” (which is pretty goddamn underrated, if you ask me). I mean, “Terminator 3” was a surprisingly good all-out-balls-to-the-wall-action-fest, so when I heard that Mostow was gonna make another sci-fi-flick, I was pretty excited. When I heard that it was gonna star Bruce Willis, I was fucking ecstatic!

But I still kind of like this movie. You see, I watched this the same day as I watched the abomination that is “Gamer” and these two films deal with the same kind motifs: corporations trying to protect their product and living your life vicariously through the internet or online-gaming or whatever the hell you wanna call it. And if you compare this movie to “Gamer”, this is “Lawrence of Fucking Arabia”, this is “The Thing”, goddamn “Repo Man”! You get the idea, right? And it does explore these issues in a somewhat interesting way (much more interesting and competently handled than in “Gamer”) and it does have something to say about today´s youth-fixated culture and isn´t that what all good sci-fi is supposed to do: hold up a mirror to today´s problems? At least it makes for a couple of pretty cool scenes when Bruce is walking around, all beat up with cuts and bruises in this world of perfectly looking surrogates. And we all know that the more cuts and bruises Bruce gets, the cooler he looks. I just wish that they would have elaborated more on this streak of social criticism. Then it could´ve been a really interesting film.

The fact that the people in this world use their surrogates because they´re ashamed of their own physical imperfections, is also an interesting idea. “Surrogates” manages to show this in a much more nuanced way than “Gamer”, which basically shows an insanely obese guy sitting in front of this TV, controlling a woman on his computer screen and stroking himself. Nice going, retards!

I´m sorry about that “retard”-remark. To call the makers of “Gamer” retards is an insult to retards all around the globe. Sorry about that, guys.

Another thing I wish is that it wasn´t rated PG13. I mean, let´s face it: who the hell wants to watch an action movie rated PG13? When are the executives gonna realize that? Come on, wasn´t “Terminator 2” rated R? The “Alien”-movies? As I seem to remember it, those movies made a buck or two and show me one guy, I mean one single guy, who will rather pay money to go to the theatre and watch an action movie starring Bruce Willis that´s rated PG13 over one that´s rated R. That´s all I´m asking here: show me one single guy and I´ll stop bitching and moaning about this. After I have him committed, of course.

However, it´s not only the action sequences that are somewhat of a missed opportunity (although there are one pretty cool scene where Bruce´s surrogate chase down a bad guy and loses an arm while doing so) but the casting of Bruce Willis is also a missed opportunity. I mean, why cast Bruce if he´s not allowed to be Bruce? I can understand that he wants to do different kinds of roles and he certainly has done that the last ten years but this is unfortunately a part that doesn´t give him much to do at all. His usual Bruce-like charm is nowhere to be found and it´s not like he´s super broody and low key, like in “The Sixth Sense” so I can´t really see why he wanted to do this one. I´m hoping that his upcoming role in Kevin Smith´s “Cop Out” takes full advantage of the magic that is the Bruce Willis persona. I mean, no one can smirk like Bruce Willis, so why not let the guy smirk his way through a movie?

It´s a shame about this movie because it feels like it has much going for it but it never comes to fruition. For instance, Bruce´s marriage and the fact that he and his wife have lost a child isn´t made especially much of. It feels like Mostow tried to make an adult science fiction thriller but then the studio decided that they wanted something lighter and oh, while you´re at it: let´s trim those action scenes as well because then we can get it in the theatre as a PG13 and everybody wants that, right? Sorry, Mostow. I haven´t given up on you, though. You managed to make a pretty good third installment in a franchise, let´s not forget about that. Doesn´t happen very often (except for “Police Academy 3: Back in training”) so that has to mean that you have some talent. You´re still on my radar for filmmakers to watch. It´s also nice of you to keep giving Jack Noseworthy roles. Haven´t seen him in a while.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Let´s imagine for a minute that you are pretty well respected film director and that you somehow have managed to secure a budget for your dream project: a bloody viking epic, starring one of your favorite actors, Mads Mikkelsen. What´s the next step? You would probably want to work on your script, if you hadn´t already done that, right? That would be the logical next step. Unless your name happens to be Nicolas Winding Refn. Then you´d just gather up your crew, get poor old Mads into some make up and head on out into the wilderness. Who needs a script? If you´re a talented enough filmmaker, you´ll make it work, right?

Wrong. I´m sorry to say but Nicolas Winding Refn really dropped the ball on this one. He not only dropped it, he misplaced it so bad that it is now forever lost. “Valhalla Rising” will forever be a sad chapter in this talented filmmaker´s career. You should know that I am a huge fan of his and have for years been going around and saying shit like “The only interesting filmmaker in Scandinavia today is Nicolas Winding Refn”. Well, he sure made me eat those words earlier today. I feel almost violated! I can´t for the life of me figure out what he was thinking when he made this film.

If you´re not familiar with the story, Mads Mikkelsen plays One Eye, a mute warrior who´s been held prisoner by the Norse chieftain Barde. Aided by a boy slave, One Eye manages to slay his captor and escapes along with the boy. After this they hook up with a band of Christian Vikings who´s out to conquer the holy land and start up a new Jerusalem. You know how those whacky religious Vikings can be?

Anyway, they join the Vikings on their ship but it is soon engulfed by extremely thick fog. Up until this point I hadn´t given up on the movie. You see, the opening scene is fantastic. It´s the scene you saw in the trailer with Mikkelsen beating the crap out of an opponent lying on a muddy hill. This is what his captors use him for: to fight other warriors for money or other riches. When he´s not fighting, he´s kept on a leash or locked up in a cage. Kind of like a Viking era-cage fighter. Or a Viking era “Danny the Dog”. But you remember how that movie fell apart as soon as Jet Li started to say his lines and you once again realized that he sounds like Dolly Parton about to hit puberty? Well, Winding Refn doesn´t have this problem because Mikkelsen´s character is mute. Hell, it´s almost as if every goddamn character in this movie is mute because they don´t hardly speak at all. They´re Vikings, remember? Grim, tough men who stare at each other and every now and then laugh at each other with contempt. That´s how they rolled back then. So they don´t speak. At all. For an hour and a half. It takes over ten minutes into the movie before the first line is uttered but in the opening this approach works. It kinda gives the movie a Peckinpah-like quality of “A man´s gotta do what a man´s gotta do” but by the time they get on that ship, I was pretty sick of it.

But then the fog rolls in and you know what they say: that´s when the terror begins. Except that in this case it doesn´t. Nothing begins or even happens! But then the Vikings reach land, where they are stalked by an unseen enemy in a series of silent, totally tension-free scenes. Again, nothing happens.

I may be wrong but I think there may be two Nicolas Winding Refn out there, directing movies. The first one is the guy who did the three “Pusher” films: gritty, lean, urban crime dramas with fantastic dialogue and performances. Then we have his twin brother, who seems to be suffering some sort of Kubrick-ian, Malick-ian crisis. This is the guy who directed the deliberately paced “Fear X” and “Bronson”. It is obvious that it is the second Winding Refn who also directed “Valhalla Rising”. Unfortunately. The only similarity to “Pusher” that this movie has is that the violence is quick, graphic and sudden when it occurs and Winding Refn handles these scenes expertly.

I think it´s safe to say that he´s watched Tarkovsky´s “Stalker” more than a couple of times. You remember that one? Stoic men of few words, with the pain of life imprinted in the lines on their faces, walking around in dirty clothes. That sumps up “Valhalla Rising” as well. Maybe he used that in his pitch meeting? But the thing is this: Winding Refn has taken the whole thing with deliberate pacing to a whole new level. You thought that “Stalker” was slow, imagine if Tarkovsky had directed that flick while being on a strict diet of Valium, that´s how slow “Valhalla Rising” is!

I wonder how the hell Mikkelsen got talked into this one. I can understand that he wants to work with his friend the director but he must´ve said yes to this one before he read the script. He must have. That´s the only explanation. Somewhere inside this tedious mass, there´s a decent short film of 10 minutes hidden. Unfortunately, it´s stretched out to 90 excruciating minutes! If you were to run all the scenes of Mikkelsen staring at the clouds, at normal speed instead for the extreme slow motion they are in now, this movie would be about 40 minutes long.

Now, I´m all for movies with stoic, rugged men in the lead and Mikkelsen does a decent job here but you can´t maintain interest in the character because he is given absolutely nothing to work with! Not once do you know what One Eye is thinking or feeling. Hell, even Danny the Dog had some motivation but One Eye is like a blank canvas. That says nothing. At all. But say what you will, he´s quite good at staring, that Mikkelsen fella, there´s no doubt about that.

Visually speaking, this is a great film and it´s obvious that the people behind it are very talented. Winding Refn has a great eye but that just makes this whole awful experience all the more painful: why the hell didn´t he bother to write a script that could match the epic vistas? Maybe that was a selling point in securing Mikkelsen for the gig:

- Mads, we´ve finally got funding for our Viking movie! We start shooting next week.

- But I´m on vacation, Nicolas… I don´t wanna have to learn any new lines now.

- Uh, lines? That´s right… Don´t worry, you won´t have to learn any lines because… your character´s mute! That´s it! He´s mute!

- Okay, send over the script and I´ll take a look at it.

- Uh, script? Okay, I´ll whip something together and mail it to you later today.

I actually had the pleasure of speaking to Winding Refn a couple of years ago at the Gothenburg Film Festival and he was an extremely polite man with a lot of interesting things to say so I feel kind of bad racking down on him this way but honestly, there´s no excusing this! If there ever were a missed opportunity, “Valhalla Rising” is it!

It´s only hours ago since I saw this movie but I already feel nostalgic for a time before it. Let´s hope that Winding Refn ends up in debt again, so he´s forced to make two new “Pusher” movies. Or at least is forced to write a script for the next movie he makes.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Is this what it´s come to? Is this what´s become of the action genre? Jesus Christ, I must be getting old because when I sat down to watch “Gamer” the other night I felt like one of those old guys in “The Muppet Show” who sits on the balcony and whines about everyone and everything because I didn´t understand much of what was going on in what passes as action sequences in “Gamer”. Maybe all those years of heavy drinking have finally taken its toll, huh? Maybe I´ve become slightly retarded? I hope not. But seriously, what the fuck? I remember that this movie got fairly acceptable reviews and a couple of them even called it “enjoyable” and “entertaining”. Did those assholes drop a tab of acid before they sat down to watch it? Because the movie that I tortured myself with sure as shit was neither “enjoyable” nor “entertaining”. It was excruciating, is what it was! I´ll try to explain to you why.

First of all you have to understand that this movie was written and directed by Neveldine/Taylor, the duo that gave us the two “Crank” movies and wrote “Pathology”. If you´ve seen the “Crank” movies, you are aware of the frenetic style they were filmed in and edited, right? Well, this one has ´em beat. I kinda bought it in “Crank”, much thanks to the fact that Jason Statham starred in it and naturally, kicked ass. But let´s face it, no one took that movie seriously. It was one long cartoon and Statham could´ve just as well been playing Bugs Bunny. Hell, he bounced on a car after being dropped from a helicopter in the final scene. It´s not exactly heady stuff we´re talking here.

But the first place where this abomination of a movie goes wrong is when Neveldine/Taylor decided to set this story in the “real” world. What they´ve done is basically lifted the plot from “The Running Man” and mixed it together with computer games (because everybody likes to watch people playing computer games in a movie, right? That´s a great recipe for a thrilling action movie right there). But we´re not talking “World of Warcraft” here, ok? Or “World of Blip” as Dylan Moran calls it. No, we´re talking about this new kind of game where you control an actual human being!

These humans are death row convicts who are given a chance to fight a certain number of battles and if they survive they´re free to go. Stillman (Gerard Butler) is the most successful “slayer” and only has a couple of more rounds to go before he´s released. He´s looking forward to be reunited with his wife Angie (Amber Valletta) and daughter. Angie´s currently working as an actor in a real life version of “Sims”, letting her be controlled by freaks. But you see, the big bad corporation, spearheaded by psychopath Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall) has no intention of letting Tillman survive long enough to be reunited with them.

Basically “The Running Man” all over again, right? And let me tell ya, you´re better off in every way just pulling that DVD out of your shelf and re-watching it instead of this dredge. First of all, I have to say that I feel sorry for Gerard Butler. I think he´s a fairly sympathetic actor that deserves better than this. He has great potential to become a solid action movie star. He´s got that rugged look going on and he looks like he´s been in a bar fight or two and like he downs a bottle of whisky every now and then. He´s not Orlando Bloom, if you get my drift. I was hoping that at least once he would get the opportunity to scream out “Tonight… we game in hell!” or something like that.

But oh no…

Instead he gets to play a character who has the phrase “I am always right here with you” tattooed over his entire lower arm. What the fuck does that mean? I know that the writers thought that they were really clever that he had a phrase tattooed because it´ll play a part in the final act but honestly, “I am always right here with you”? On his entire lower right arm? Who is there with him? His right hand? Is that what he´s trying to communicate to the world? Is that his statement? Because we all know what guys do with their right hand, right? That has to be the only explanation because what kind of an idiot tattoos that on himself? Does he mean that he is right there with his wife? Shouldn´t he have had her lower arm tattooed then? I bet my ass he regrets that tattoo now.

Just like “The Running Man”, “Gamer” has a pretty cool premise that could have made for an interesting action movie but you see, it simply doesn´t! Because these fuckers Neveldine/Taylor obviously snorts three pounds of cocaine every morning before they go to work. At least that´s how this movie is shot: the camera doesn´t stand still for one single second! It tilts, whizzes by, whirls, spins and rolls around like someone is trying to steal it from the film set. I don´t think that there´s a cut lasting longer than a third of a second. It´s like they sat around in the editing room and watched “Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen” and said to each other:

-          Man, that Michael Bay fucker thinks that he can edit a movie to pieces. We´ll show that asshole! We´re gonna make a movie that has so many cuts in it that you´ll have no choice but to down half a bottle of whisky and a bottle of sleeping pills just to sit through it without panicking! That´s what we´ll do! Right, Neveldine?

-          Damn straight, Taylor! Let´s do it! Show that fucker who´s in charge! Now, let´s do another line of coke…

That´s the only explanation. I can´t see any other way how this movie came exist in the form that it does today.

I should have suspected that something was terribly wrong right after the opening sequence where Butler runs around and shoots other “slayers”. I should have just stopped watching it there, because I didn´t understand a single thing of what was going on. What´s the rules of the game? Who is Butler fighting? Where is he in relation to the others? Is he trying to escape or what?

It´s shot in such a way that you can´t tell if Butler is running away or towards a threat. I guess that these Neveldine/Taylor guys grew up on MTV and commercials and that´s why they use this frenetic way of editing their movies but that really makes me worry about the future. Imagine twenty years from now, when the kids who are watching this and Michael Bay´s movies today, when they start directing movies of their own! Christ, they´ll have so many cuts in them that the whole fucking movie will probably be subliminal. It´ll be like that cut with the demon face in “The Exorcist” or like that shot of a bearded Mel Gibson with the natives in the trailer for “Apocalypto”. Imagine a whole movie with that. My soul weeps…

Oh my god!!! Why did I even watch this? Now that I think about it, it´s called “Gamer”, for chrissakes! Why did I even bother? A guy like me, who has hardly ever played a single computer game in his entire life should not watch movies about people playing them! I should´ve known better. Come to think of it, this might be the least appealing title to an action movie ever!

There´s a scene where Butler steals a car (who doesn´t have any gasoline in it but he solves that by downing a quart of vodka only to puke and piss in the tank. That has the car running like gangbusters. Don´t ask) and are being chased by the baddies. For just a moment I was reminded of Paul Anderson´s “Death Race”, a sci-fi action movie I genuinely enjoyed and where you were actually able to tell what the fuck was going on in its action set ups. The next time I hear someone talk shit about Paul Anderson, I´m gonna put a price on their head. It´s guys like these Neveldine/Taylor we should be worrying about! They´re slowly but surely killing our beloved action genre with a million cuts per second! This has to stop! Christ, “Death Race” is a subtle, smart movie compared to this. There´s a sentence I never thought I´d write.

There are just so many unbelievably bad decisions that have been made on the set of this film. For example, whenever Butler and the other “slayers” are being transported from the fights, they are sitting in the back of some giant ass truck but we´re not quite sure because there´s a goddamn strobe-light going the whole time! Why? Do Neveldine/Taylor really think that people will lose interest in the movie if two characters talk to each other for one minute without a lightning department that lights the set as if it´s a goddamn rave party on Ibiza?

At one point in the film, I was actually reminded of John Carpenter, though. You see, Keith David has a small role in it and there´s a music cue that´s pretty similar to the ones Carpenter uses but that just made me even sadder because it got me thinking “Imagine if John Carpenter had directed this. I might´ve been watching a good movie then…”

I could tolerate “Crank” and I sat through “Crank: High Voltage” but this one was just too much. I hereby pledge to never watch another film written and directed by the duo of Neveldine/Taylor. What´s got me really worried is that they´re the ones who´s responsible for the script to the upcoming adaptation of “Jonah Hex”. Thankfully, they´re not directing so there´s still hope. However, if they fuck up the script to that one… No more coke for you, guys!

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

A movie about a guy who realizes he´s gay and then spends a good portion of the film in a very manly environment? No, I did not go to a Heath Ledger-retrospective to watch ”Brokeback Mountain”. Instead I visited the Gothenburg International Film Festival and saw the new Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor-vehicle ”I Love You Philip Morris”. Now, I like Jim Carrey as much as the next guy, alright? Even though his movies are mostly entertaining in a pleasant, non-offensive kind of way, the guy still surprises me every now and then with a genuinely fine performance. His Andy Kaufman in ”The Man on the Moon” was pretty amazing and he managed to bring some depth to that weepy guy he portrayed in ”Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, there´s no arguing that, right? And that´s how I prefer my Carrey: restrained and low key! When he starts resorting to over-the-top, whacky faces I tend to lose interest. Fortunately, he doesn´t go down that road too often in ”I Love You Philip Morris”. He keeps his car in the right lane of the acting highway in this one.

When I heard that Carrey was going to star in a movie written and directed by the guys who wrote what could be the funniest movie of the last ten years, ”Bad Santa”, I thought ”Finally! Maybe this will bring some edge to his work”. And when I heard that it was supposed to be based on a true story about a guy who, after a near death experience, realizes he’s gay and makes a vow to live his life to the fullest, I was jumping with joy! If there ever were a premise ready to be mined for some politically incorrect humor, this was it. Carrey as a newly ”born” homosexual who lands himself in prison? Count me in.

As it turns out, John Regua and Glenn Ficarra doesn´t take the easy way out. For the first half hour, it´s pretty obvious that this is the guys who wrote Billy Bob Thornton´s many tirades against all things holy in ”Bad Santa”. And I´m gonna level with you, fellas: this first half hour or forty minutes was when I laughed the most.

You see, this is a movie of two halves: it starts out as your ordinary Jim Carrey-movie with the kind of broad comedy you´d expect from it. The scenes of his accident and his realization regarding his sexuality are pretty hilarious and I can guarantee you that these are lines you´ll be hearing quoted back to you at parties for a long time to come. I mean, whenever you go to a party, there´s at least one guy who thinks that the funniest thing in the world is himself spouting a bunch of Jim Carrey-lines. Am I right? How many times haven’t you heard someone say ”It’s okay! I’m a limo driver!”, while he´s looking like he came up with the most brilliant line ever on the spot? Well, rest assured, party-goers! We´ve got some new lines in store for you. Being the nice guy that I am, I’m not gonna ruin them for you here.

Anyway, Carrey realizes that he´s homosexual so he dumps his wife, played by the lovely Leslie Mann who´s pretty much wasted in yet another thankless role, and moves to Florida to live out his pink-hued dreams. But as Carrey´s character puts it: ”Being gay´s expensive”. So, he starts scamming insurance- and credit card companies to keep things going. Eventually, this lands him in prison. This is where he meets Philip Morris, played by Ewan McGregor. And in case you haven´t figured it out yet, Jim Carrey loves him. I didn´t see a scene with them sitting in a tree, tongue-wrestling, but that´s the general idea. Maybe I missed it. Their relationship blossoms in the prison environment and it´s also in these scenes that the filmmakers finds an outlet for their affinity for characters exploding with deliriously filthy dialogue, ”Bad Santa”-style. Unfortunately, this type of comedy takes a side step for a more traditional love story and I´m kinda torn about how I feel about that.

On one hand I was surprised at how genuine Carrey and McGregor´s relationship felt. They really convinced me that these guys love each other and this is much thanks to McGregor´s performance. It´s nowhere near as flamboyant or showy as Carrey´s, who gets to slip in and out of different costumes and take on different identities as he´s scamming his way through the Midwest. However, you can understand why Carrey´s Steve falls for him. He starts out as a standard-formula-type-A-Hollywood-homosexual character but slowly evolves into a character you really feel for. This is all McGregor, because he isn´t given much to work with, to be honest. But he is the emotional epi-centre of the movie and it´s he who sells the emotional scenes, which turns out to be pivotal to this film.

This is a surprisingly tender movie that isn´t afraid to let its characters emotions play out and that kinda caught me off guard. I wasn´t expecting that from the guys who wrote that “You´re not gonna shit right for a week”-line. But they do and they pull it off, so I guess good work on that, guys!

It will be interesting to see what kind of reception this one gets in the states because it is surprisingly frank about its subject and I´m guessing that some scenes will send the Christian rights-movement reeling into another one of their “This sick film must be banned!”-hysterics. Over here in Sweden, it´s everyday stuff for us. What Carrey and McGregor do in the private comfort of their prison cell to each other, people do in the streets over here. The Swedish sin, remember? It´s worse than ever.

I guess what makes this movie pretty good is also what initially put me off: the fact that it balances its humor with some very dark themes and drama. As I´m writing this I realize that I liked this movie more than I thought I would after walking out of the theatre. As it is, it kinda plays out like if James L. Brooks suffered a bout of Tourette´s syndrome. And I mean that in the best possible way.

So even if this may not be another classic, like “Bad Santa”, Ficarra and Requa has a pretty original approach to humor and I really appreciate that. I´m not gonna go into detail because we all know that the highest form of meaninglessness is someone trying to explain why something is funny. So I´m not. But they do use the sound design of the movie and music to get a few laughs and I thought that this was a somewhat fresh approach.

So I guess this a good one. Go see it. And I promise you: at no point does Jim Carrey look deep into Ewan McGregor´s eyes and whisper: “I wish I knew how to quit you” so it´s got that going for it, as well.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Last night I had the pleasure of meeting and listening to Christina Lindberg talk about her career at the Gothenburg International Film Festival. Now, if you grew up in Sweden somewhere around the 80´s and were a boy, you´re bound to know who she is. Hell, if you lived anywhere in the world and were a boy or man, you´re bound to know who she is. She´s one of the most famous nude models we´ve had and she also starred in such classics as “Anita: the shocking account of a young nymphomaniac”, “Journey to Japan”, “Exposed” and “What Schoolgirls Don´t Tell”. Hell, she was even a Penthouse model along with Michael Caine at one point, she told the audience last night! But as we all know, the movie she´s most famous for is the amazing “Thriller – a cruel picture”. That´s why I thought it would be suitable to direct your attention towards this movie once again. If you haven´t seen it, you should! You know, Sweden can produce other things than somber, morose dramas. This definitely kicks Bergman´s ass. So strap yourself in, here we go!

The few of you depraved souls out there who actually take the time to read these rants and recommendations might´ve noticed that I have a soft spot for the revenge genre. The theme of revenge is one of the richest there is when it comes to creating a good story. A lot of questions are automatically raised when dealing with revenge, like “how does it affect a human being?” or “is it really worth it?” Heavy stuff, friends, but you know what? The theme of revenge is also a great basis for creating a kick-ass movie. One of the greatest films in Swedish history deals with this theme. I´m sure that many of you have heard about it already ´cause Tarantino (damn, there goes my promise from a couple of days back!) brought some attention to this film a few years back when he released the two “Kill Bill”-movies. He talked about how he had based Daryl Hannah´s look on the lead in a Swedish film called “Thriller: A Cruel Picture”.

So, you might´ve heard about this one but if you don´t live in Sweden and aren´t a movie obsessed freak like me, there´s no way that you can know exactly how much impact this movie can have on one´s life and how legendary it is in certain circles. That´s why I am here: to give you the lowdown, the hard truth… Pour yourself a drink cause here we go!

Here´s the thing about Swedish movies: until recently there were no genre filmmaking going on, whatsoever! The Swedish film industry is big on drama but we have the giant shadow of Ingmar Bergman hanging over everyone, so there´s not very often we get a good, solid piece of drama-filmmaking, either. However, we do get a lot of bad comedies… A LOT of bad comedies, but no genre movies! You can imagine how frustrating this was for a young boy like myself. To quote Inspector Closeau: “It was hell down there”.

But guess what? Then someone told me about a Swedish film that is actually banned! A Swedish film banned? What the hell? This couldn´t be true, I told myself. Supposedly it was called “Thriller: A Cruel Picture”, but we weren´t sure. No one I knew had ever seen it. There were lots of stories circulating about it. Apparently, someone knew someone who had a cousin who had a boyfriend who spent a year in the states and he had managed to see it and he said that it was the sickest thing he´d ever seen. There were scenes with hardcore porn in it and in one scene the director had used real corpses. Holy shit, was this really something I wanted to see? Hell yeah! When you´re that age, that´s like giving you a dare. No, strike that: it´s like giving you a double-dare! It´s like the movie gods were looking down upon us and mocking and taunting us: “You don´t have the guts to see this one, you sweaty teenage freak! Mouahahahaha!”

Well, I did have the guts to see it. But I had to wait more than ten years until it finally happened.

So, flash forward ten years and a lot of things have changed. I survived puberty, got an education, was engaged for a brief while and then met a much prettier and nicer girl, among other things. All these things pale in comparison to the enormous, fantastic news that reached me one day: Synapse Films was releasing an uncut version of “Thriller” on DVD! Holy Christ! You can imagine the joy that my bruised and battered heart were filled with. At second thought, I don´t think you can. This was it; the holy grail of movies; the one film that I hadn´t managed to get a hold of. Remember, kids, this was before the internet. I know it´s a stretch for your imagination but there were a time when you couldn´t just go online and download every film ever made. A happier time, a time when you actually had to hunt down the movies you really wanted to see. That was almost as big a part of actually watching the damn film. Internet has killed the cult movies. Internet killed obscurity… and apparently, video killed the radiostar, in case you didn´t know that.

Eight times out of ten I´ll admit that I was disappointed but every now and then you´d come upon a real gem in the video store. I´m talking about the straight-to-video, bottom shelf titles that no one recommended to you cause no one had seen them (“Malone” starring Burt Reynolds and “Retroactive” starring James Belushi springs to mind). You actually felt like YOU had discovered that film, that you were the first one who was seeing a film that no one knew existed. THAT thrill, my friends, has sadly disappeared. It´s been years since I felt it ´cause nowadays you know about and hear about every movie ever made all over the world. Like I said, you got the internet and the reviews of the previews, about a year before the damn film is actually released. There´s no mystery to movies nowadays. You know everything about them before they´re ever released and when was the last time you happened upon a movie you had heard nothing about and decided to give it a chance and lo and behold, it then turned out to be great? Well, it was quite a while for me… My heart is bleeding, friends.

But anyway, now you know that I´m a nostalgic, bitter young man but enough about that. Back to “Thriller”. Synapse released it and when I finally got the DVD in my sweaty hand, I was shaking. That day should be declared a national holiday if I had any pull in this country but sadly, I don´t! When you have spent so much time building up an illusion about a film for as long as I did with this one, you´re bound to be disappointed, right? Well, kind of…

During this time I had happily come to grow enormously as a human being and become so much wiser that it was almost frightening. That´s why I realized that no matter how much ass this movie kicks, it was still made back in the 70´s, in Sweden none the less, so how violent could it be? There´s no way in hell that it´ll deliver on my expectations. But a strange thing happened. It delivered on so many levels (but not the violence, I´ll give you that. Happy?) that I was actually surprised at how good this movie really was. Since then, I´ve seen it quite a few times and I think it´s a goddamn masterpiece! It is definitely unlike anything ever produced in this country, before or after, that´s for damn sure.

I just now realize that I haven´t had the common courtesy to let you know what the movie is all about. Here´s a brief summary: Frigga (played by Christina Lindberg, who I am sure most of you out there already are familiar with) is a young woman who was raped by a stranger as a child. Suffering from shock from this incident, she becomes a mute. One day, she misses the bus into town. A seemingly nice gentleman turns out to be a real scumbag and kidnaps her (hey, that´s no way to treat a lady!). The scumbag (brilliantly portrayed by Heinz Hopf) has Frigga hooked on heroine in order for the man to control her. She is forced to work in his brothel. Sweet Lord, if only she hadn´t missed that bus!

No matter how evil and despicable the brothel owners may be, they aren´t above letting their prisoners have a day off. This is Sweden, don´t forget that. The unions were big here in the 70´s. That´s why Frigga gets Mondays off, they know that she will return no matter what. After all, she´s got a heroin-habit to support, right? But you see, Frigga starts spending her days off learning karate. She also learns how to handle a shotgun and drive like a goddamn stunt driver. This is one feisty lady we´re talking about here. Sweet, sweet revenge…

That´s the set up for this very original film. I´ll admit that the film´s pace doesn´t quite hold up by today´s standards but it has so much else going for it that I´m willing to look beyond that and focus on the many genius things about it instead. One of the things that elevate it above many of the other rape-revenge films produced during this period is the way it is shot. Director Bo-Arne Vibenius has a really good eye and he manages to make excellent use of the locations. Especially during the film´s final scenes, when Frigga (or One-Eye, as they call her), all dressed in black with a matching eye-patch and equipped with a shotgun, metes out her revenge in a small harbor. It looks absolutely amazing. The image of Christina Lindberg walking towards the camera in that black leather coat is one that will stay with you for a long, long time.

Another reason why “Thriller” has such a reputation is that it exists in different versions. If you see the one called “Thriller: A Cruel Picture” you will without a doubt notice the fact that during the sex scenes there´s inserts of hardcore pornography. If you watch this version and don´t notice these scenes, you might have a bit of a problem. If that´s the case, you might need to lay off the porn for a while. Then you have become very, very jaded, friend. Anyway, these were later added by director Vibenius without the actor´s knowledge. On the different nerd-sites on the internet, where films like this one are discussed, you will often hear disappointment over the fact that it isn´t Christina Lindberg herself in these scenes. I find this pretty strange. I will not argue with the fact that Miss Lindberg is a very pretty lady but these scenes aren´t the least arousing. Hey kids, she´s a prostitute against her will! She´s basically being raped! In other words, Vibenius takes pornographic material and (at least in my eyes) manages to make it look awful and revolting. Pretty artistic, right? But at the same time he gets to show some T&A ´cause after all, this is an exploitation film. So depending on how you wanna tackle this film; if you wanna go the cultural, high-brow, intellectual way like I just did or if you wanna go the usual, sleazy, cheap thrill-seeking way like I usually do, you´ll still get something out of this one either way.

You shouldn´t get your hopes up too much regarding the karate fight-scenes. I think it´s a safe bet to say that Ms. Lindberg isn´t a martial artist, so there´s not that much Bruce Lee-style action going on. Instead, Vibenius opted to shoot these scenes in incredibly slow moving slow motion, which makes for some quite bizarre imagery. There´s almost a feeling of weightlessness during these fights. It´s not what you usually get in this kind of film. I mentioned at the beginning that there was a rumor circulating that a real corpse was used during one scene. The scene I´m talking about is the one where Frigga becomes “One-Eye” and she has her eye cut out. The reason this rumor started is basically like it happened with the infamous “Cannibal Holocaust”-impaling scene. It´s just so well done that a movie with this budget could not afford an effect this good. Apparently, Christina Lindberg admitted in an interview conducted in 2006 that they did use a real corpse for this scene. They filmed it in a hospital and used a suicide-victim. To be honest, I find this pretty hard to believe. I think that maybe Miss Lindberg wants to embellish the myth about this film. If they did use a real corpse then we´re dealing with some pretty sick and twisted individuals here.

After “Thriller”, director Vibenius made another film, “Breaking Point”. I´ve never seen this one but from what I´ve heard there´s supposed to be even more hardcore sex and it´s supposed to be even dirtier and grittier. I don´t know much about it except the fact that it´s about a man who apparently rapes and kills women. If this were to be released on DVD, I would definitely check it out but as it is now, that film holds no allure for me. I think it´s a shame that Vibenius hasn´t made any more films since, though. He obviously knows his way around a camera and I would´ve loved to see him make more films starring Christina Lindberg. Imagine a sequel to “Thriller”! I would love to see that. Imagine the voice-over on the trailer: “They call her One-Eye… and she´s back! And she´s angry!”

As a matter of fact, I had a chance to ask Lindberg about this and she said that Vibenius did speak about the sequel that he had planned but she also said that he did not have the ability to secure the financing. That aspect of the moviemaking business wasn´t his strong suit, which is a goddamn shame! At least we´ll always have Paris, huh?

So there you have it, “Thriller” is one of the few revenge-movies we have here in Sweden. Sure, Ingmar Bergman flirted with the genre with “The Virgin Spring” and although he managed to get a rape scene in there and it got remade as both “Last House on the Left” and the dreadful “Chaos”, I don´t think it qualifies as a worthy installment in the genre. It´s a good film, but hey… it´s definitely no “Thriller”! It´s one of a kind. Just like you are, friend. Don´t forget that. You´re unique!

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas