Last Blog On The Left

So it´s that time of the year again, when critics out there starts compiling their “Best of”-lists of the year. Even though I am not a professional critic per se, I do feel that because I am so awesomely intelligent and flat out cool, that I should do the same. But you know, I always think about my readers so here´s what I´ve done: I´ve decided to leave out the movies I´ve already recommended to you during the course of this godforsaken year of 2009. If you´re a loyal reader I figured you shouldn´t have to be forced to read me babbling about these titles once again. I´m talking about such fantastic movies as “Thirst”, “Observe and Report”, “Trick r´ Treat”, “Deadgirl”, “Drag Me To Hell”, and “Outlander”. Fantastic films but look ´em up in the blogroll, ok? That´s why I chose to compile a list of the best movies of 2009 that I haven´t mentioned in this space before. That´s just the kinda nice guy I am. Strap yourself in, here we go!

15. Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired

Polanski is one of the great genius of modern cinema. He´s made some pretty fine flicks through the years, like “Rosemary´s Baby”, “Repulsion” and “The Pianist”. He´s also lead a life that could have been one of his movie. His pregnant wife Sharon Tate was murdered by Charles Manson´s gang and after in order to cope with his grief, Polanski started using cocaine like it was going out of fashion and drinking like Shane MacGowan. Oh, he also had sex with a fourteen year old girl, the old perv! This fantastic documentary details the trial and how the American press hounded Polanski. Very fascinating stuff!

14. Knowing

Finally! A movie starring Nicolas Cage that you´re able to sit through in one sitting! And his hair doesn´t look like it´s done by a blind hairdresser! Could this mark the return of the Nicolas Cage we all love and adore? Well, considering the fact that he´s got “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans” in the pipeline as well, it just might. Alex Proyas have never quite lived up to the promise he showed with the fantastic “Dark City” but this is easily his most enjoyable film since then. The scene with plane crashing is one of the most impressive of the year.  Finally we can forgive Nicolas for that awful remake of “Bangkok Dangerous” and for that haircut. It´s good to see him Un-Caged again!

13. I Love You, Man

Paul Rudd seems to be cornering the market when it comes to these kind of comedies about male friendship (naturally called “bro-mances”, one of the lamer attempts at labeling a movie) and I´m not complaining. Rudd and Jason Segel makes for a fine comedic duo and Rudd is such an inherently likeable actor that I´ll watch almost anything he is in. Hell, I want to have a “bro-mance” with him! Honestly, who wouldn´t want this guy for your friend? Also, Lou Ferrigno has a cameo as himself and the scene where he puts Segel in a sleeper hold is among the funnier this year.

12. Timecrimes

I know that this one was actually made way back in 2007 (hey, remember 2007? That was when they had all those god damn Live Earth concerts all over the globe. Kinda crappy year, if you ask me) but it hasn´t been released over here until this year and since this is a pretty spectacular time traveling tale, it deserves to be mentioned despite the fact that it is older than Elizabeth Taylor´s feet. Like all the greatest films about rifts in the space time continuum, it´s a low budget, stripped down to the essentials kind of film. Guaranteed to fuck with your head and a movie so smart that it´ll make that Stephen Hawking guy cringe with envy.

11. Life is Hot in Cracktown

Buddy Giovinazzo´s latest flick. To be honest I haven´t seen anything he´s made since his debut movie “Combat Shock” but it seems like old Buddy´s disposition hasn´t gotten any brighter since then. This movie consists of a main course of misery, served with a side order of tragedy, drug abuse, broken dreams and pain. This movie is not for the squeamish but Giovinazzo deserves a special mention for chronicling the broken dreams of our society´s outcasts like no other filmmaker does today. This is a movie that is pretty hard to sit through, but fortunately it´s not the kind of emotional pornography that so many “drug”-movies seem to be today. Giovinazzo´s work manages to be both heartbreaking and touching.

10. Sunshine Cleaning                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Two sisters start a cleaning company that only cleans crime scenes. That´s a pretty good premise, right? Tarantino produced a movie years back called “Curdled” which had this similar premise but this is a very different film. Made by the team that did “Little Miss Sunshine” the other year, it shares the same cast of characters (Alan Arkin´s stars once again as the kooky grandfather, minus the coke snorting this time) but what the hell, I liked it! I even liked this one better than that “Sunshine”-movie. There was just something about that striptease the kid did at the end of that one that freaked me out. Besides, this one has Clifton Collins, JR as a one armed guy in it.

9. My Bloody Valentine

When they showed this one in the theatres it was in 3D and although I didn´t get to check that version out, I still found this one to be one of the more enjoyable slashers of 2009. This is not the kind of movie that people will be discussing ten years from now but since this is a remake, it came out much better than I think anyone expected. Let´s face it: what do you want from a slasher movie? Inventive and fun ways of killing people! “My Bloody Valentine” offers that, in galore! Director Patrick Lussier who was responsible for the more entertaining that it deserved to be “Dracula 2000” a decade ago peppers the movie with humor without going overboard with it. There´s also some appreciated weird touches here and there, like the dwarf motel manager.

8. Adventureland

I´m gonna come clean here, ok? I have a thing for coming-of-age-stories! I know, I know: they´re almost always sentimental and zappy but I can´t help myself! That´s what you get for watching “Stand By Me” way too many times as a kid. What I liked about this one was that it dealt with that period in one´s life that you don´t see too often in movies: when you´ve finished High School and still haven´t managed to get yourself an education and forced to work some dead end job in some dead end town. This one had an amazing cast: Jesse Eisenberg, Ryan Reynolds, Kristen Stewart, Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig.

7. The Hangover                                                                                                                                                                      

Alright, this is the last comedy on the list but this is one funny fucker of a film. Director Todd Phillips has managed to get some pretty funny flicks out there in the last couple of years (“Old School”, “Road Trip” and “School for Scoundrels”) but this one is probably his best. The setup is so simple and so recognizable for almost every guy out there: a bunch of friends wakes up after a bachelor party and can´t remember a goddamn thing from the night before. Funny, funny stuff!

6. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

David Fincher is one of the most consistent directors around and this tale of a man who lives his life in reverse are no exception. He also manages to use today´s CGI technology to actually tell an engaging story! How about that? The opening scenes with Benjamin Button as a young/old boy are absolutely heartbreaking. Definitely one of the better “doomed romance” movies of the last ten years!

5. Martyrs

Leave it to the French to keep pushing the envelope in the horror genre. I can´t see how anyone will be able to make a “torture porn”-movie ever again, after this one. This brutal film takes the genre that was created by a flood of “Hostel” and “Saw”-rip off´s and absolutely turns it on its head! This is real horror we´re talking here, not for the squeamish or for those faint of heart! This is some brutal shit with one of the most frightening openings I´ve seen. One of the more mentally draining films I´ve seen this year and it makes director Pascal Laugiér a name to watch from here on out.

4. Star Trek

Here´s something I never thought I´d say but that fucker J.J. Abrams has actually managed to make “Star Trek” cool again! I´ve always been a fan of the original movies (particularly part II, IV and VI) but when that Next Generation took over I kinda lost interest in the franchise. I mean, I still watched them but they left me kinda numb and my interest were pretty much gone. Until now! This “reboot” or “redux” or “restart” or whatever the hell you wanna call it is exactly what a “Star Trek” movie should be: fun, exciting and entertaining as hell with some pretty cool action set pieces. Unfortunately, Chris Pine as James T. Kirk ain´t no William Shatner but he is saved by Zachary Quinto as Spock, which is absolutely spot on! The fact that Abrams managed to figure out a way to get Leonard Nimoy in there as well, only adds to the fun of the film. Finally, I don´t have to be ashamed of admitting that I actually like “Star Trek”. Thank you, J.J.! You´ve done geeks all over the world a great service.

3. Watchmen

So Zack Snyder did the impossible: he actually turned the dense and rich world of Alan Moore´s comic book masterpiece into a movie worthy of its name! The movie´s cast is as close to perfection as you´ll ever get and naturally it´s Jackie Earl Haley who steals the movie as Rorschach. The scenes when he´s in prison definitely takes the prize for “Most bad ass of 2009”. If you want proof of exactly how incredible this movie is, look no further than the opening montage where Snyder tells about three decades worth of an alternative world, to the tune of Bob Dylan´s “The times they are a-changing”. When you manage to make such fantastic use of a classic song, it is something spectacular! I dare you to not think of “Watchmen” the next time you hear that tune. Definitely one of the greatest comic book adaptations ever committed to celluloid.

2. The Hurt Locker

Kathryn Bigelow comes exploding back to the big screen… literally! This nerve wrecking film about a bomb squad unit in Iraq has some of the tensest scenes I´ve seen in a long time. Christ, a movie hadn´t made me sweat like this since William Friedkin´s “The Sorcerer”. Bigelow has made some very fine films, like “Near Dark”, “Point Break” and “Strange Days”, and this rank among her best work. Amazingly enough, she also manages to avoid any exploration about whether it is right or wrong by America to be in Iraq! She strips all that away and focuses on the bizarre existence that day-to-day-life as a bomb squad soldier offers. How does that type of work affect one´s mind? How do you deal with it? Before this one, Bigelow had been absent from the big screen for too long. I sincerely hope that this one gets a couple of Oscar nominations, so she can keep working. It´s about time that this Jeremy Renner guy becomes one of the biggest movie stars in the world, as well ´cause he´s pretty damn good in this one. Definitely the sweatiest movie experience of the year!

And the best movie of the year… is…. (drumroll)…

1. Mega Shark VS. Giant Octopus!

That´s right! Starring Debbie Gibson (or “Deborah”, as she now likes to call herself) and Lorenzo fucking Lamas! From “Renegade”! And “Falcon Crest”, for chrissakes! This is without a doubt the best movie of the year, folks. It´s a sincere character study that has something profound to say about the state of our environment and the suffering a Mega Shark has to go through when being forced to do battle against a Giant Octopus. There won´t be a dry eye in the house when this one ends, friends…

Just kidding!

You didn´t think I was serious there, did ya?

The best movie of the year…

(And I am serious this time)

is…

1. Inglourious Basterds!

Well, what can you say that already hasn´t been said about this fantastic film? Tarantino has still got it. The guy writes dialogue like no one else and proves that he has a genuine love for movies that you don´t see too often in today´s world. Just like everyone else in the world, I came walking out of the theatre absolutely amazed by the performance that Christophe Walz delivered as Hans Landa, the Jew Hunter. I mean, to imagine that an actor of this caliber has worked since the end of the 70´s and hasn´t gotten his big break until now blows my mind! He´s that good! The way that he wraps his tongue around Tarantino´s dialogue is a god damn joy to watch and behold. But this wouldn´t be a Tarantino movie if he were the only great actor on display, right? That´s why we get Brad Pitt as Aldo Raine, Eli Roth as Donny Donowitz the Bear Jew and Till Schweiger in what may be the best character of the year: Hugo Stiglitz! Goddamn, this character deserves a movie of his own, if you ask me. If there´s any truth to the rumors that Tarantino´s planning “Kill Bill Part 3” I recommend that he drops them like they´re hot and start writing “The Hugo Stiglitz Story” instead. I remember walking into this movie, expecting it to be a straight-up men-on-a-mission-movie (just like Tarantino had promised for years) and walking out amazed at what a different movie it actually was. The facts that it was much better than expected didn´t make things worse. Unlike “Death Proof”, Tarantino has created what is his most complete film to date. It has the perfect ending to what is a close-to flawless film!

Now, before you start tearing into me about the many movies I haven´t included on the list, it´s because I simply haven´t gotten around to watching them yet. You know, there´s just to many songs that has to be sung, too many drinks that has to be drunk and all that shit… If the day had any more hours to it, maybe then my movie viewing wouldn´t be more complete but as it is now… I´m sorry guys, but you have to make priorities in life.

I hope you all have a happy new year and all that shit and try not to blow off your fingers while trying to recreate a scene from “The Hurt Locker” with some New Year´s Crackers, ok? See you in the new year and until then: take scare!

Thomas

Christmas is the time for kindness and joy, isn´t it? But let´s face it, some people suck! That´s the brutal and harsh truth for ya. And since Christmas is over now I think it´s time that we acknowledge this fact. You see, we all have neighbors. But that doesn´t mean that we have to like them, right? They´re the ones that we have to say “Hello” to and smile when we meet them, not because we want to but because we have to! It´s expected of us. It´s also expected of us to say some crap about the weather when we pass each other in the stairway, even though you don´t give a flying fuck what kind of weather it is. There´s also a thin line that you´re constantly walking with your neighbors: you wanna be friendly, but not too friendly, right? You wanna let them know that you´re a nice guy but not too nice! You don´t want them coming around and wanting to hang out with you and even though one of them has a god damn dog that keeps you up all night, you still smile at them when you pass in the hallway when instead all you wanna do is punch the fucker out? Am I right? Thought so.

So we have the fact that we all are stuck with neighbors who annoys us to varying degrees, ok? If you also take into account that there´s a certain brand of comedy that manages to be funny simply by not trying to be funny at all, what do you get? Stay with me for a second here and we´ll get there. One might say that these comedies border on horror movies. You know what I´m talking about, right? “The Cable Guy” is a good example: a movie about a man so lonely and in search of friendship that he starts to stalk and even extort a customer whose cable he´s just installed. That doesn´t sound too funny, does it? More like a psychological thriller in the vein of “Single White Female”, right? The thing is that thanks to this Cable guy being played by Jim Carrey, we laugh at it instead. As we should! I think it´s definitely one of his best performances and that it´s a hilarious movie.

When it comes to this particular brand of comedy, Danny Devito has been somewhat of a pioneer. If you look at the movies he´s directed, most of them are comedies and insanely black, as well. “The War of the Roses” is a fine example and one of my favorite comedies. It, just like “The Cable Guy”, doesn´t try to be funny or cater to the audience, instead it does the exact opposite and ventures so far out in the darkest corners of human behavior that it´s hard to believe at times.

But there´s one film that predates these movies by almost a decade! I´m talking about the psycho-comedy “Neighbors”, which was made back in 1981 and stars Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi! This is truly an odd film and not held in particularly high regard by reviewers. That´s why I figured that it´s about time that someone stood up for it and defended its honor! That´s just the kind of guy I am. People always yack away about how great “The Blues Brothers” are when you mention Aykroyd & Belushi but this little gem isn´t mentioned that often. Well, it´s time for a change, if you ask me.

Earl Keese (John Belushi) leads a quiet suburban life together with his wife. His daughter has left for college and life goes on in familiar ways. Suddenly it takes a turn for the worse when a couple, Vic and Ramona (Dan Aykroyd and Cathy Moriarty) moves into the deserted house next door. From the word go it is obvious these are not the usual, quiet types who “should” be living on such a nice street. As more and more unbelievable events unfold, Earl starts to question his own sanity… and that of his family.

Much of the fun in “Neighbors” is watching Belushi and Aykroyd interact with each other and the way that Belushi is always trying to second guess Aykroyd´s character. It doesn´t take very long until we realize that this Vic guy is a complete lunatic! A raging psychopath! And those kind of characters are always fun, right? Aykroyd is always best when he plays these types of guys, totally insane but with a deadpan delivery.

Another reason why I am fond of this movie is the fact that it takes place during the course of one single night and I´ve always liked that set up in movies: contained in their setting and taking place during a very limited amount of time. I don´t know what it is, I guess that it brings out the sadist in me, but there´s always lots of pleasure to  be had by watching somebody´s life get turned upside down.

This movie is also filled with lots of weird touches that I have a hard time seeing anyone get away with today. It gets extremely uncomfortable at times and in this way it´s an early predecessor to such TV shows as “The Office”, “The Larry Sanders Show”, “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and the more recent “Parks and Recreation”. These are all shows that revel in uncomfortable silences and extreme situations and confrontations. That´s all here to be found, as well!

But “Neighbors” also manages to explore some darker territory and is at times quite suspense-filled. The opening scenes with Moriarty flirting with Belushi, only to dress down and get into his bed with his wife on the other floor, are pretty harrowing. These scenes kinda remind me of a John Landis-movie.

It´s an absolute joy to watch Aykroyd break every social convention there is. For instance, he offers to go get the two families some take out dinner but realizes he doesn´t have any cash on him. Belushi offers to pay but then Aykroyd remembers that his car doesn´t work so he has to borrow theirs, only to drive next door to his own house and cook a meal of spaghetti, claiming it to be from a newly opened Italian restaurant in the area and keeping the cash. He has no regards for boundaries, like when Belushi goes to take a shower, he finds him afterwards rummaging through his desk.

You know, I don´t know how many times I´ve seen “Blues Brothers” but I can tell you that it´s easily around 15-20 times and I absolutely love that film, but I gotta say that this is a far more daring film. It´s way ahead of its time in the way that it flirts with the horror genre. For instance, there´s a scene where Aykroyd and Belushi goes out in the nearby swamp that wouldn´t feel out of place in any horror movie. Much of this is thanks to Bill Conti´s score who keeps the fine tradition of scoring comedies “seriously” alive with this film. I´m not sure when this started but “National Lampoon´s Animal House” has to be one of the earliest examples, where Elmer Bernstein provided a symphonic, rousing score to a college comedy. Conti does the same thing here. There´s no scene where the score tries to accentuate that what we´re watching is supposed to be funny, quite the contrary. It´s a pretty paranoid score and that´s what makes the bizarre events so funny!

I just realized that there´s not much in this world that is more boring that reading about something where someone tries to explain why something is or isn´t funny. So that´s why I´m gonna stop now.

But I think you should check this one out. It´s definitely a forgotten gem when it comes to American comedies and although it´s regarded as a failure by many people (including Belushi himself, apparently), I think that it has aged pretty well.

Next time I´ll be back with a “Best of 2009” entry but until then: take scare!

Thomas

Ok, so now I´ve finally done it: the thing we´ve been waiting for the last twelve years! I´m not talking about finally working up the courage to finally shooting Michael Bay in the face, although I haven´t given up on that actually happening one of these days. No, I´m talking about finally watching James Cameron´s latest science-fiction-extravaganza-bonanza-three D-a-go-go-balls-to-the-wall-opus “Avatar”! It´s finally here, folks! It´s kind of hard to believe, isn´t it? This is the movie that´s supposed to revolutionize the movie making process and the way we watch movies. This is basically the movie equivalent to Jesus Christ descending upon our wretched asses to walk the earth once again, ok? We´re talking about the new movie from the director of “Titanic”, one of the most successful movies of all time, ok? Written and directed by the guy who gave us “Aliens”, one of the best sequels ever, ok? We´re talking about the guy who gave us the two first “Terminator” movies and revolutionized the way they used special effects in the process, ok? Not to mention that he directed “Piranha II: The Spawning”, ok?

So I think it´s safe to say that this movie has quite the expectations to live up to, wouldn´t you agree? Well, how about it then? Is it any good? Unfortunately, I was pretty disappointed when I walked out of the theatre only to face the bitter winter cold of Sweden in December; feverishly clutching the 3D-glasses I had been given. Don´t get me wrong, if you have the opportunity to watch this movie in 3D, you should. You absolutely should! If there´s one aspect of this movie that Cameron has succeeded with, it´s this. I´ve never seen anything quite like it before! This is not the kind of 3D that you experienced when you were a kid and you sat there with those damn paper glasses, with one red and one green eye, in front of the TV. This is the first 3D movie I´ve seen in the theatre and I´ll say it again: color me impressed, Cameron!

By the way, if you haven´t seen the movie, you should probably stop reading now because I am going to refer to some specific moments in the movie, ok?

But anyway, that just begs the question: what the hell happened with the actual movie, Cameron? What the hell were you thinking? I have made a conscious effort not to see any footage of the movie and tried to find out as little as I can about the actual plot but I think that this did me a disservice, instead. I went in there expecting a totally different kind of film. I´m not even gonna try to explain the plot of the movie this time around because every god damn one of you out there should be familiar with it, unless you´ve been locked up in a cellar in Austria or something like that for the last fifteen years.

But the first thing that disappointed me was the fact that if you´re watching a movie by the director of “Aliens” and it features a bunch of marines and even the same kind of cargo suits that Sigourney Weaver fights the Alien queen with, it kind of promises a  lot, doesn´t it? Hell, Sigourney Weaver is in this fucking movie and it´s pretty damn awesome when she wakes up from the cryo-sleep in one of the opening scenes. It brings back a lot of memories, to say the least. The thing is that in “Aliens” the marines were the good guys, they were the ones we were rooting for but I guess since Cameron made that movie, a lot has changed.

For one, Cameron has become pretty environmentally aware and let me just say that his filmmaking suffers from that. It not only suffers, it´s laying there on the floor, bleeding and crying! It´s actually kind of sad to behold. Listen, I´m all for a positive message regarding the world and nature we´re living in, ok? Don´t get me wrong, I recycle and shit like that but I do feel that when a filmmaker tries to weave that message into a movie, it suffers from that. Nobody wants to be beaten with a big stick that says “Save the environment!” over the head when you´re trying to watch a movie, do they? The only director that I know of that has managed to create a great genre movie that actually has something to say about the way we treat the environment, without overstating it, is Larry Fessenden and “The Last Winter”.

Cameron should take a cue from him.

What makes me so sad is that it feels like this movie is made by a guy who´s pilfering his past and trying to wrap it all up in some kind of new age-smelling, environmentalist message: we´ve got the marines from “Aliens” and this whole Pandora world is filled with a lot of jellyfish-like creatures that looks like they´re straight from Cameron´s “Ghosts of the abyss” documentary. Hell, Giovanni Ribisi actually plays Paul Reiser from “Aliens”, which I found to be kind of weird. Why not get Paul Reiser if you´re gonna use the exact same character?

I should point out that the nature of Pandora looks pretty spectacular. In that sense, this is a groundbreaking film. Not so much story- or acting-wise, unfortunately.

One of the reasons that this movie fails is because of these Na´vi creatures. All through the movie (and we´re talking two hours and forty fucking minutes here), I was unable to relate to them or identify with them. They look pretty awful. Not quite Jar Jar Binks-awful, but almost and that´s saying a lot. I was reminded of that awful “Final Fantasy”-movie. I can´t believe that they still haven´t solved the biggest problem with CGI-animated characters yet: the eyes! They still look like they´re completely lifeless and how the hell are you gonna relate to a character like that?

It is pretty obvious that this movie is made by a filmmaker who is in love with this world and it is incredibly detailed, no doubt about that. As a matter of fact, it´s too detailed! The movie takes too long to get going. It has a fantastic opening when we´re thrust into this world of year 2154 and within a couple of moments, Cameron has painted an entire existence in front of our eyes but then it starts dragging. I felt that we don´t have to see every goddamn insect or flower on this planet but then again, I didn´t spend the last twelve years designing this fucking thing. I spent my last twelve years drinking, mainly, so I guess that Cameron´s got me beat there.

But you know what, I´m gonna come clean here: I actually enjoyed “Titanic”! It´s true. I didn´t cry at the end but I thought that it was a fairly touching and tender love story and I was surprised by that. I didn´t know that Cameron had it in him, but with that one he did, obviously. He tries to achieve the same thing in this one but let me just say that it´s pretty embarrassing here. There´s a scene where two of these blue Na´vi fuckers actually makes love to each other and that´s when I pretty much gave up on the movie. I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from laughing out loud.

Another thing that left me feeling robbed of a fantastic movie experience is the thing I´ve mentioned earlier: that the marines are the bad guys here! That means that the members of the audience are never allowed to feel genuinely excited when they bring out their heavy artillery and big guns and bombs and whatever the hell it is they got. Because when they do, you´re supposed to feel sad for these Na´vi creatures (whom you cannot identify with anyway because they are a bunch of lifeless, cold looking bunch of fuckers), who are forced to fight these assholes with bows and arrows. That doesn´t exactly gets a rise out of you, does it? It´s not like in “Aliens” when they start testing out those giant machine guns and you wanna jump and scream with joy. That´s the kind of movie I was expecting from Cameron. Instead I got some weird hybrid between “An Inconvenient Truth” and Smurfs acting out the story of “Dancing With Wolves”. Even though Cameron has dabbled with this kind of heavy handed message before in “The Abyss”, I felt that he handled it much better there.

Christ, this is kinda heartbreaking. I mean, I really wanted to like this movie. I love James Cameron´s movies but there´s no way I can justify this movie´s flaws enough to fool myself into liking it. It´s way too “New Age”-y for me. Hell, the music nearly killed me! Every time Cameron wants to signal that an emotional scene is coming up, he lays the Enya-like, indigenous sounding score on pretty god damn thick. Bring me the head of James Horner, people!

However, one thing I really did like about the movie was Stephen Lang´s bad ass, creepy Colonel Quaritch. It´s good to see him back on the screen. I would´ve loved to see more scenes between him and Sigourney Weaver. I don´t know if there´s something wrong with me but I was actually rooting for the guy. Don´t ask me to analyze that one. And why the hell didn´t you throw Michael Biehn in there somewhere, Cameron?

So what should´ve been James Cameron´s Christmas gift to the movie audiences across the world turned out to be a pretty hollow package. It´s a cruel and harsh world out there, kids, and don´t you forget it!

This will be my final post before Christmas and I hope you have a great time! Talk to ya soon and until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Back when I was a kid I used to read Dean Koontz´s books like a madman. Hell, I used to devour them! But then something happened to me. Hair started growing in places where there previously were none, my voice suddenly dropped in pitch and I realized that women´s underwear is actually pretty comfortable to wear when… Sorry about that. You weren´t supposed to know that. Went too far again. But somewhere around this time in my life I lost my interest in his books. I think it was sometime around the publication of “Fear Nothing”. By then I had called his bluff and knew his schtick like the back of my hand (needless to say, I was pretty damn familiar with my hand around this time in my life. Puberty, remember? It wasn´t like girls were beating down my door, which left me with much time to beat something else, if you get my drift). Almost all Koontz´s books has a great set-up and the promise of something supernatural looms over the story, which is usually set in a quiet Midwestern small town, but in the final act we realize that it was a cover up of a government experiment gone haywire! It seems that 90% of Koontz´s books go down this route. That´s why I´ve always been more of a Stephen King-guy, although his latest books are pretty uninteresting, as well.

But anyway, one of my favorite Koontz-books back in the day was this one called “Phantoms”. Unlike King, Koontz has not had much luck when it comes to movie adaptations of his work. Anyone remember “Hideaway”? “Whispers”? Or how about “Watchers”? Not the greatest movies out there, if you ask me.

But then it was announced that “Phantoms” was gonna be made into a film. This was back in 1997 or so and if you remember that time, horror movies were going through kind of a dry spell. All we had to hold on to was a bunch of “Scream”-rip off´s so I was howling with joy when they decided to make this one: a good old fashioned monster movie! Finally!

I don´t know if you remember when this was released but it was absolutely torn to shreds by critics everywhere! And I mean everywhere! If they ever find proof that there is intelligent life out there somewhere in space and it turns out that they have a newspaper, you can bet your ass that even they have given this movie a stinking review. That´s how hated this movie was upon its release.

But you know how it is with certain movies: they´re released and panned and they earn a following after being released on video or DVD. Hell, even “The Thing” was a flop which says a lot, right? I´m not saying that “Phantoms” is anywhere near Carpenter´s masterpiece but I think that it´s time we re-evaluate this little flick.

Dr. Jenny Pailey (Joanna Going) is bringing her younger sister, Lisa (Rose McGowan), home from L.A. to the small quiet town of Snowfield, Colorado. It’s a peaceful environment to live in, with a population of 400, and the town has some nice ski resorts that make it a popular site during the summer. Upon returning, however, they discover everyone either missing or dead, with bodies that have a strange gooey look to it. They try to leave, but find their car and every other vehicle in town dead.

That´s the set-up for ya! Classic stuff that harkens back to those old 50´s horror movies and “Twilight Zone”-episodes. I think it´s safe to say that “Phantoms” is a movie of two halves. The first half is great, there´s no doubt about that, and the second half is… well, not so great, let´s just put it that way, ok?

What´s so fantastic about the first half is that you have no idea about what it is that´s terrorizing the leads. The two girls are later on joined by the local Sheriff (played by Ben Affleck) and his two deputies (Nicky Katt and Liev Schreiber, who´s in a particularly sleazy mood) and upon re-watching this movie a while back, I found myself thinking of Frank Darabont´s masterpiece “The Mist”: a bunch of characters trapped in a desolated environment and forced to fight an unseen threat. Impressively enough, director Joe Chappelle (who some of you I´m sure likes to call Joe Crapelle after he directed “Halloween 6”) manages to keep the tension going through the first half and the mood is actually pretty eerie. This first half is surprisingly good!

But like I said, then the second half arrives and it´s not as good. Some of you may even say that it´s horribly bad but I wouldn´t go quite as far. I´ll admit that Ben Affleck isn´t the most charismatic leading man in the business and he´s about as believable as a Sheriff as I would be as a young teenage girl, ok? But that doesn´t mean that this movie is the kind of disaster so many critics had you believing.

Like so many monster movies, this one descends into the arena of the slightly silly as soon as the monster is revealed, I´ll admit that. Once we´re introduced to the monster, it´s not quite as scary as Chapelle has had us believing but fortunately it´s as if Chapelle realized that Affleck didn´t quite cut it as a leading man so that´s why, in the second half, he brings in the big guns. “The big guns” in this case means Peter O´Toole! That´s right, Lawrence of fucking Arabia! That means that no matter what kind of silly dialogue Chapelle throws at him, he pulls it off. O´Toole is one of those actors that no matter what he says, he sells it. O´Toole portrays Timothy Flyte, who´s an expert on this particular creature that haunts the town, and when he starts spouting lines about how “Gods have nothing to fear” and that “This is the thing that wiped out the dinosaurs” the movie would´ve easily collapsed if they were to come from the mouth of a lesser actor, but I´ll be damned if O´Toole doesn´t get away with it.

I think that one of the reasons why I like this movie is because to me it seems that Chapelle has done his best to make his version of a John Carpenter movie and if you´ve ever read this column before you´ll know that Carpenter is one of my absolute favorite directors. The movie in particular that Chapelle references and draws inspiration from is “The Thing”, Carpenter´s masterpiece. There´s a scene with a dog in a church in “Phantoms” that´s a pretty obvious homage to the scene in the dog pound in “The Thing”. The score is also heavily influenced by Carpenter´s score from movies like “Prince of Darkness” where it mostly consists of single notes repeated over and over again.

Hell, I guess I just like the vibe of this much-berated flick! It´s as simple as that. This isn´t rocket science and this is not a movie that will be mentioned in the canon of cult films any time soon but it definitely deserves a better reputation. I mean, look at all the Stephen King-adaptations that´s floating around out there! Most of them are pretty shitty. “Dolan´s Cadillac” anyone? This one beats Dolan´s ass any day of the week.

Until next time: take scare and have a merry scary Christmas!

Thomas

Ok, enough of this Christmas bullshit. Before you know it, it´ll be over and you´ll be left alone with a hollow soul and a feeling of emptiness, clutching your empty Christmas sock. Kinda reminds you of sex, doesn´t it? But Christmas will be over before you know it so I think it´s time we move on and start talking about movies that doesn´t have any Christmas affiliation whatsoever, ok? Here´s a perfect example of that ”second, difficult album”-syndrome that every band goes through when time rolls around to record their sophomore effort. Except we´re not talking about a band here but a writer-director of films, Rian Johnson! He was responsible for a movie called “Brick”, which was released back in 2005. It´s hard to grasp that that movie was made by a first-time director because he displayed such confidence and familiarity with the movie medium with that one. I was blown away by “Brick”, I´m not gonna lie to ya! It´s one of those movies that conjures up a universe that´s totally unique and even though it´s not very realistic, you absolutely buy it. Johnson used High School as a setting for his take on the novels of Dashiell Hammett and James Cain. If Philip Marlowe would´ve been a teenager in 2005, this is what it would´ve looked like.

But you see, since “Brick” was Johnson´s first movie he has probably spent a good part of his waking life these last couple of ten years, thinking about it and honing its script. Pretty much like a band does until they get to release their first album: when (and if they do) they probably material spanning from the last five years to choose from. That means that you can really pick the songs that you both like and perform the best. The tricky thing is when you´re gonna release the next album and start writing new songs. You can´t spend the next seven years writing and picking the best tunes then, right? I´m guessing that this is the case with Rian Johnson´s second movie, “The Brothers Bloom”, as well. This one has potential masterpiece written all over it but doesn´t quite reach that far.

Just like Johnson turned the private eye/High School-genres on their head by mixing the two of them together, he takes on a familiar genre this time as well: the conmen-genre! In order to achieve something even approaching the level of greatness in this genre, you have to create something truly spectacular. And if you ask me, that´s a pretty hard thing to do in this day and age considering the fact that David Mamet has almost singlehandedly killed that genre by driving the last nails into its coffin by making such fantastic films as “House of Games”, “The Spanish Prisoner” and “Heist”. Johnson gives it his best try, though. Hell, he even lets Mamet-stalwart Ricky Jay narrate the opening voice over. This gave me an extra sense of hope when the movie started.

Older brother Stephen (Mark Ruffalo) and three years junior Bloom (Adrien Brody)- have been con artists since they were kids. Stephen is the mastermind and Bloom is the main character of Stephen’s con stories. Bloom wants to quit the business as he is losing his own identity to that of the characters he portrays; he doesn’t know anymore what is real and what is make-believe. Stephen talks him into one last con, the mark to be the eccentric, lonely but beautiful New Jersey heiress, Penelope Stamp (Rachel Weisz). As the brothers go through their final con on Penelope, three main problems may occur to thwart the plan. First, the brothers’ former mentor and now arch enemy, Diamond Dog, may exact his long awaited revenge on the brothers. Second, Penelope may end up being more unpredictable than all their former marks. And third, Bloom, who has let love slip by in his life, may fall for Penelope. But through the process, no one ever really knows who is conning who.

But isn´t this old stuff when it comes to these types of movies? “Who´s conning who?” That´s what can be so entertaining but pretty predictable, as well. I mean, after the tenth twist of somebody fooling someone else, do you really care about who gets that fucking money?

I mean, let´s face it: when it comes to movies about con men, it´s pretty hard to top “The Sting”, starring Newman & Redford, right? The reason for this is that (besides the fact that they had an amazing script) because Newman & Redford and their director, George Roy Hill, made everything seem absolutely effortless! This is not the case with “The Brothers Bloom”. Johnson aspires to create the same kind of alternative universe within our world, just as he did with “Brick” but with this one he goes slightly overboard with the set- and costume designs. It is pretty obvious that when it comes to the look of this film, Wes Anderson has been a huge influence on Johnson.

Every character is impeccably dressed, with three piece suits, hats and colorful skirts or shirts. Yellow is a recurring motif, kinda like the color brown permeates Wes Anderson´s universe. What doesn´t work to the same degree here, as it does in Anderson´s films is that he manages to create totally believable and idiosyncratic characters. Unfortunately, that isn´t the case with Johnson´s movie. The dialogue feels a bit strained but I got the feeling that it aspires to sound like a Coen Brothers movie. That is never the case, though. But that´s how this movie comes across: if The Coen Brothers and Wes Anderson had a bastard child who tried to make a movie that would please both its divorced parents.

But you know, I´m not gonna complain too much. Johnson is still a young director and considering that this is just his second film, he still shows an incredible amount of promise for the future. The fact that he seems to be very inspired by the kind of “classic” filmmaking from the 40´s and 50´s is what sets him apart, I think. Next time around he should try less to emulate the Coen brothers and try to find his own voice. Johnson has the ability to create something truly original and he came very close to that with “Brick” but the fact remains that both “Brick” and “The Brothers Bloom” are still nothing but Johnson´s versions of other people´s films! “Brick” was his version of a hard boiled P.I.-detective story and “The Brothers Bloom” is a Wes Anderson filtered through a 1940´s screwball comedy. I´m still waiting for that truly original movie to appear and I have no doubt that it will sometime in the future, when Johnson has matured enough as a filmmaker and has found his own voice.

One thing that really disappointed me was how Johnson decided to handle the character of Bang Bang. I mean, a girl named “Bang Bang”, if that doesn´t pique your interest I don´t know what the hell is wrong with you. She is called that because she likes to blow things up, you see. As soon as she appears on the screen, she steals all the attention, without speaking at all. I think maybe she has about two or three words of dialogue in the entire movie. This is the kinda character that you wanna know more about but Johnson deliberately keeps us in the dark. I can deal with that but the thing that really bugged me was the fact that towards the end, Bang Bang has a scene where she sings at a Karaoke bar and this could´ve been a truly beautiful scene but Johnson just sort of casually throws it in there without realizing what he has on his hands. A missed opportunity, if ever there was one.

Maybe I´m being too harsh on this movie but I was truly expecting more from Johnson. This is still an entertaining, visually arresting and energetic piece of filmmaking and my interest in Johnson´s future projects hasn´t died but let´s be honest: if you´re only gonna watch one con man movie this Christmas, I´d go for David Mamet´s “Heist”. Definitely the crowning achievement of that particular genre…

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

I continue my odyssey through the world of Christmas-themed movies that dares to venture off the beaten path. Once in a while, a movie comes along and disappears without a trace. It might not even open theatrically in your particular region or country, so you pick it up on DVD when it´s finally available. Your expectations aren´t particularly high but at least it has a good director and a couple of fine actors in it, so you decide to take a chance. When you finally get around to watching it, you realize that this movie is actually a minor masterpiece! But why the hell didn´t anyone else realize this when it was released? Is the world filled with nothing but morons upon morons, just like you´ve suspected for years? Was in fact Bad Religion right when they sang “A 1000 more fools are being born every fucking day”? I guess they were because why has no one else pointed out how good this movie is? You know what kind of movies I´m talking about, right? “The Ice Harvest” is one of those.

It´s directed by one of the godfathers of modern comedy, Dr. Egon Spengler himself: Harold Ramis! Except for acting in such classics as “Stripes” and “Ghostbusters”, he´s directed a bunch of comedy classics like “National Lampoon´s Vacation”, “Caddyshack” and one of my all time favorite films: “Groundhog Day”! Let´s face it, the man has some pretty fine pedigree going on.

Then we have the actors in “The Ice Harvest”. The leads are played by John Cusack, Connie Nielsen, Billy Bob Thornton and Oliver Platt. All fine actors in my book. So where did it go wrong? Why isn´t this movie mentioned more often as a modern noir classic? ´Cause make no mistake, this is a modern classic! If not, this world is going to hell, my friend. Forget about the hole in the ozone layer and all that crap. This is the standard by which we judge the decay of western civilization from here on out. So let´s ask ourselves that question again: where did it all go wrong? Nowhere, that´s where! The sad truth is that the reason why this movie isn´t better known is because the distributor Focus Features decided to bury it when it was released. It´s a cruel and harsh world out there, kids. Make no mistake about it.

It´s Christmas Eve. Cusack plays Charlie, an attorney for the different sleazy businesses of Wichita, and his unsavory associate, the steely Vic Cavanaugh (Thornton) have just successfully embezzled $2 million from Kansas City boss Bill Guerrard (played magnificently by Randy Quaid). But the real prize for Charlie is the stunning Renata (Nielsen), who runs the Sweet Cage strip club. Charlie hopes to slip out of town with her but as daylight fades and an ice storm whirls, everyone from Charlie’s drinking buddy Pete Van Heuten (Platt) to the local police begin to wonder just what exactly it is that Charlie´s up to…

Kind of a classic noir set up, huh? And Cusack is perfect for the role of Charlie. You see, Charlie is the kind of character that you only come across in film noirs: weak, depressed and not particularly motivated to do anything to change his situation. This is the kind of role Cusack was born to play. His sad expression only gets more and more expressive the older he gets and this is a role that he couldn´t have played 10 years ago but now it fits him like a glove. And Thornton is a perfect foil for him. I don´t know how he does it but this guy can still manage to find new ways to be unpleasant and amoral, even after going through that schtick in such movies as “Bad Santa” and “Bad News Bears”. Apparently Ramis tried to get Bill Murray to play this movie and that would have of course been absolutely mind blowingly amazing but since good old Bill is kinda picky about what roles he takes on these days, Thornton is the next best thing. I´m not kidding, he´s pretty amazing in this flick.

But the real acting coup in this movie is the casting of Oliver Platt as the drunk-as-a-skunk Pete, who doesn´t wanna go home because his marriage is on the rocks. His marriage to Charlie´s ex-wife, none the less. That makes for some pretty great comedy and Ramis milks it for all it´s worth. But the comedy in this movie is about as pitch black as it can get. There´s not a single character in this movie who is happy or content with who they have become. Charlie is an angst-ridden, desperate man who keeps drinking from a small flask he keeps in his inner pocket. Though Charlie is obviously in love with Renata, that´s about the only love filled relationship we get a glimpse of. It´s hard to describe Thornton´s disdain and contempt for human beings in general and Cusack, specifically.

But that doesn´t mean that this film doesn´t manage to be laugh out loud funny from time to time. There´s a fantastic scene where Cusack and Thornton have locked a hit man inside a trunk. The dialogue exchange between these characters is among the funniest I´ve heard in a long time.

There´s a certain vibe to this movie that is kind of miraculous, actually. It has the feeling of a Coen brothers movie, but it doesn´t have that twisted sense of humor. Ramis manages to actually keep the humor pretty straight, although dark as hell, but he also manages to stay true to “The Ice Harvest”´s noir roots. That´s pretty impressive, if you ask me! I mean, when was the last time you saw a film noir that managed to be genuinely funny? I guess it was the Coen Brother´s “The Man Who Wasn´t There”, which also stars one Billy Bob Thornton, by the way. Coincidence?

The way that Ramis shoots this movie and paces it, at times it almost feels like an Elmore Leonard adaptation. It kinda glides along, with razor-sharp dialogue and you´re not sure what the hell is going on and the great thing is that you don´t really care because the characters you´re watching are so damn entertaining! I would absolutely love to see Ramis tackle one of old Elmore´s books one of these days.

This is a god damn gem of a movie and the first time I saw it was back in 2005 when it was first released. I must´ve seen it about three or four times since and I still think it´s great! I can guarantee you that this is one of those movies that a couple of years down the road, it´s gonna have a huge cult following. So if you haven´t seen it yet, hurry up and then when it starts being mentioned when people talk about their favorite cult classics five years from now, you can always say that “Yeah, I saw that one when it was released! I loved it then and still do…” in a cool and casual way. I can guarantee you that that´ll give you much luck with the ladies. They love that kind of stuff…

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

As you might´ve noticed Christmas is lurking around the corner. I have very mixed emotions when it comes to Christmas, as a holiday. I enjoy Christmas Eve but hate the time leading up to it when everyone´s stressed out of their mind. But you know the best medicine to soothe a stressed mind? Booze, naturally but if you already spent all your money on presents? A fine Christmas holiday movie that makes you enjoy this celebration and appreciate the ones near and dear to you even more. Unfortunately, the movie I´m going to recommend to you today is not one of those. It is however, one of the best Christmas movies I´ve ever seen!

The movie I´m talking about is “You Better Watch Out” also known as “Christmas Evil”. But I´m not gonna lie to you. I admit that I have a certain perverse fondness for Christmas movies. It´s not like I sit around watching them in the middle of summer, wearing nothing but a Santa Claus hat or anything like that. However, there have been a number of Christmas movies through the years that I try to watch every year. “Scrooged” starring Bill Murray is one of them, which has been a favorite of mine ever since I was a kid. “Bad Santa” is a classic! “Elf” starring Will Ferrell is quite funny, as well. Ah hell, I might as well come clean and say it out loud: one of my all time favorite movies is actually “It´s a Wonderful Life” starring James Stewart. It never fails to bring a tear to my eyes at the final scene, when they´re singing “Auld Lang Syne”. That´s the kind of sucker I am.

The one thing I don´t like about Christmas movies though is the fact that almost all of them descends into the never ending swamp of sentimentality in the third act. “Elf” certainly does it and “Scrooged” as well, even though when the movie has Bill Murray at his cynically best, they get away with it. “Bad Santa” however, never goes there. It remains firmly planted in the pitch black field of comedy. “Christmas Evil” does that as well.

This movie is actually quite the miracle! The fact that writer-director Lewis Jackson even got this movie made is deeply impressing. It´s the gentle story of a boy, Harry, who loves Christmas. When he learns that Santa is not real and catches him feeling up his mommy, he is scarred for life. As an adult, he works at a toy factory and devotes his life to trying to make the Christmas spirit a reality. He becomes obsessed with the behavior of children and the quality of the toys he makes. When he is met with hypocrisy and cynicism, the resulting snap causes him to go on a yuletide killing spree.

You realize just by reading that synopsis that this movie is fantastic, right?

There has been quite a few holiday themed horror movies through the years and when it comes to Christmas, the most famous ones are “Black Christmas” and “Silent Night, Deadly Night” and those movies are all fine, although I´ve always found “Black Christmas” to be slightly overrated. “Christmas Evil” is a far superior movie!

The main reason that this movie is so great is thanks to the fantastic turn by Brandon Maggart who plays Harry as an adult. He has the perfect face for playing a character like this and sure, he looks innocent enough but he´s got that Anthony Perkins-thing going on in that whatever he´s doing, it´s clear to the viewer that this is a deeply disturbed individual we´re watching. The scenes where he excels is the ones where he´s making his Santa costume and trying it on. John Waters joins Jackson on one of the DVD´s commentary tracks and he talks about how fetishistic this movie is and he´s right, it´s a very fetishistic film about a very perverted individual. But that´s what makes it so much fun! One of my favorite scenes is when Harry´s trying on the Santa beard and lapses into a weird state that can only be described as a mental breakdown combined with an orgasm.

It´s pretty amazing how Jackson manages to paint a portrait of a guy who´s obviously disturbed but ultimately wants to do (what he thinks is) the right thing. He just wants to be good. After all, he believes himself to be Santa Claus, for chrissakes! This may not be the scariest holiday horror movie out there but it´s definitely the most twisted. The scene where Harry drives to a children´s hospital to donate Christmas gifts that he´s stolen is pretty damn creepy. Imagine meeting this guy, arriving at the place you work, in the middle of the night with a shitload of presents, decked out in full Santa outfit, laughing like a madman and screaming “Meee-eee-rrrr-yyyy Christmaaaas!!!” I´d be scared out of my mind. The great thing about Maggart´s performance is that never does he descend into overacting or hamming it up too much. He´s one of those movie killers that no matter what gruesome things he commits, you kinda feel sorry for him.

Another thing that this movie has going for it is the fact that it was made back in 1980, which means that although it manages to be both creepy and amusing, the violence that is shown is surprisingly graphic and gory. There´s a scene where Harry stops by a midnight mass, only to poke one guy´s eye out with a toy soldier and axes another one in the head, which is nothing short of spectacular! Fake blood never looks as good as it does when it´s sprayed across snow.

And since it was made back in 1980, there´s quite a few familiar faces passing by in this one. Jeffrey DeMunn, who´s been in a bunch of Frank Darabont-movies, is in there. Patricia Heaton, who played the mom on Tim Allen´s sitcom “Home Improvement”, has a terrific scene as a mother disappointed with her kid so she basically bitch slaps him! You don´t see that too often in movies nowadays. Mark Margolis from “Pi” and “Requiem For a Dream” has a small part as a party guest and so on…

Man, there are so many great scenes in this flick I can´t mention them all without ruining the experience for you. But my favorite has got to be when Harry´s being chased through a neighborhood by an angry mob a´ la “Frankenstein”, complete with torches and everything! Granted that this was back in 1980 but I don´t know if it was that common to keep torches around the house, ready to be lit up, in case there was a lynching going on later that evening. I´m too young to remember. However, the scene where Harry gets stuck in a chimney isn´t too shabby, either…

Ah, you get the point, huh? If you haven´t seen this one, you´re in for a treat and if you´ve already seen it, it´s ripe for re-discovering, ok? So break out your old Santa costume and settle down. You know you want to…

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

When it comes to romantic vampires, those fuckers in “Twilight” have pretty much got the market cornered these days, right? Vampires are all the rage and I find this fascinating. Kids who wouldn´t dream of reading a vampire book or watching a vampire flick are obsessed with this “Twilight” shit. Harry Potter, eat your heart out! But honestly, I can understand why 13 year old girls and boys are into that shit but what´s really fascinating is that over the last couple of weeks I´ve seen a good deal of women, who has to be at least in their late twenties, with their faces buried in one of these “Twilight” books while riding the tram. What the hell is up with that? I find that a bit disturbing, actually. What if you were to meet a girl, let´s say she´s roughly my age (which is 30 going on a cruel and horrible death) and you start dating. Everything is hunky dory and you start taking a liking to this girl, ok? But then she reveals that she is one of these “Twilight” freaks? Is that something that you would able to handle? I´m not sure I would. I would find that extremely disconcerting, the fact that a grown woman gets so into something that is obviously meant for kids? What the hell kind of a woman identifies so strongly with something that´s aimed towards girls half her age? I mean, I don´t sit around watching “Harry Potter” movies and wishing I went to a school for wizards, do I? And even if I did, I sure as hell wouldn´t read the books while I was out in public, ok?

But to be honest, this is something that has been gnawing at my mind for quite some time because I´ve received reports from friends every now and then that a friend of theirs has a girlfriend who´s really into Bella and Edward and all that shit. We´re talking about girls who´ve never watched a horror movie in their life! All of a sudden they´re obsessed with vampires? What is it that entices them? Well, while cruising the information superhighway I realized that these are no isolated incidents. Ever heard about “Twilight Moms”? Jesus Christ, these are women in their forties who wait outside the theatre for days on end when tickets to the premiere are released! I don´t know, I would find that extremely un-appealing. No second date there.

But enough of that shit for now. The other day I did sit down to watch a romantic vampire movie but this one is about as far from “Twilight” and all them glittering teenage vampires who doesn´t even drink blood (wimps!) as you can get. I´m talking about Park Chan-Wook´s (the genius behind such masterpieces as “Old Boy” and” Sympathy for Lady Vengeance”), latest movie “Bajkwi” aka “Thirst”!

We all know that “Old Boy” is one of the greatest films ever made and we might as well just realize that there is no way in hell that Wook will ever top that one. I don´t know what kind of magic elixir he drank before doing that one but he managed to catch lightning in a bottle there. That´s why expectations were pretty damn high when it came to this one, to say the least! Well, let me just start off by saying that this is in no way nearly as good as “Old Boy”, ok? But it´s definitely the best vampire movie I´ve seen in a long, long time.

Sang-hyun (Kang-So Hon from “The Good, The Bad and The Weird” and “The Host”) is a priest working for a hospital who selflessly volunteers for a secret vaccine development project intended to eradicate a deadly virus. However, the virus eventually takes over the priest. He nearly dies, but makes a miraculous recovery by an accidental transfusion of vampire blood. After this his worldly desires becomes more powerful and the urges of flesh becomes more and more urgent to him.

First of all, let´s just conclude that Wook is without a doubt one of the most visually gifted directors working today. He is still at the top of his game and it really shows in a couple of scenes. The man knows how to frame a shot like it´s nobody business and the scenes where Sang-Hyun starts discovering that his senses are heightened are pretty spectacular. So it´s a god damn feast for the eyes to watch this movie, ok?

Then we have the fact that Wook doesn´t just wanna tell an “ordinary” vampire story, just like he didn´t wanna do an “ordinary” revenge movie when he did “Old Boy”, ok? The priest´s urges of the flesh becomes very hard for him to control when he moves in with a family and meets a woman, Tae-Joo (played by Ok-Vin Kim), who may or may not be abused by her husband. She lives with her husband and her stepmother, who´s also her mother-in-law. We´re not talking the typical nuclear family here, ok? It´s a pretty dysfunctional set up and this is what Sang-Hyun wanders into, with a bunch of new found urges to satisfy. This makes for some pretty hilarious scenes. Wook has managed to keep his dark sense of humor intact and the scenes when the family is playing Mahjong are particularly amusing.

What´s so great about “Thirst” is the same thing that made “Let the Right One In” such a fantastic film: Wook manages to turn the typical vampire conventions on their head. This isn´t the type of vampire movie where vampires run away at the sight of a cross (the lead is a priest, for chrissakes!) or when someone starts spicing their food with garlic, ok? Don´t expect any Van Helsing-type characters running around with wooden stakes. This is not that kind of a film.

One thing I really like about Wook´s movies is that he doesn´t underestimate his audience. Sometimes they can be pretty hard to follow but I don´t know if that´s a cultural thing or what. Maybe my brain have taken a beating after a lifetime of watching dumb American movies but Wook keeps the viewer on edge with some unpredictable leaps in time. You have to pay attention or else you´re lost. Wook also has the good sense and taste to actually create a story that is pretty unpredictable. I´m not gonna tell you how but “Thirst” was not the kind of movie I expected. That doesn´t mean that I like it less! On the contrary, I appreciate it even more because Wook has the courage to take the story in directions I would have never seen coming. If you are familiar with Émile Zola´s classic novel “Thérèse Raquin” you will see more than one or two similarities with it. Wook has basically lifted the entire plot from that novel and then added bloodsucking to it. That´s also the thing that elevates “Thirst”: first and foremost Wook has managed to create a story that (at least until the last half hour) would have been just as compelling even if you removed the whole vampire-element from it! It´s basically a classic story of love and betrayal with all that that entails, including an evil stepmother.

This is a movie that manages to change its course many times during its running time and I am fascinated by the fact that Wook manages to tie all its many disparate elements together. After all, he´s dealing with love, vampirism, the loss of religious faith, melodrama and a Cronenberg-like infection that´s spreading and not once does the film feel like it´s sprawling. Like I said, Wook is operating at the top of his game here.

But I have to say that what does elevate this above so many other vampire movies is the fact that it has a love story that for once is actually believable. The two lead actors are pretty fantastic and I was shocked to learn that Ok-Vin Kim, who plays the female lead was only 21 years old when she shot this. Christ, this girl shows some range here. Wook also manages to throw a couple of sex scenes in there, which actually feels pretty realistic. When was the last time you said that about a fucking vampire movie? Was it after you´ve seen “Twilight”? No, because they don´t have any! Because they´re rated PG13, that´s why! Do you hear that, adult women of the world! Leave that shit to the kids and if you really wanna see a great love story, told within the confines of vampire-mythology, this is your picture, ok? It´s called “Thirst”! Remember that! Ok, it may not have that Robert Pattinson guy, but let´s be honest here, girls: is he really all that? I think he looks like his face has been pressed together in some sort of industrial accident.

I can imagine that Wook has gotten more than his share of offers from Hollywood but as long as he keeps making movies like this one, I hope he stays put in Korea and keeps churning them out. Don´t let the evil executives of Hollywood corrupt your artistic soul and mind, Park! Don´t do it!

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

A lot can be said about Denmark: that they cannot be reasoned with, nor understood; that they are crazy enough to invent a snack made out of pork and that some of them have a hard time keeping themselves in line at soccer games. These things can be discussed and the opinions may vary but one thing we can all agree on is that when it comes to movies, Denmark is one of the more interesting countries in Europe. They´ve managed to breed such interesting directors as Nicolas Winding Refn (who´s responsible for the amazing “Pusher”-trilogy, as well as “Bleeder” and “Bronson”, which I reviewed here), Anders Thomas Jensen (who´s given us “The Green Butchers”, “Flickering Lights” and “Adam´s Apples”) and Lars Von Trier (who, once upon time, actually made interesting films instead of the crap he´s churning out these days). I think it´s safe to say that for a country as small as Denmark, that´s pretty impressive, right?

The Danes knows how to push the envelope in movies and they´re not afraid to make movies that venture a bit off the beaten path. That´s one of the things that makes them so superior to Swedish movies! They also seem to have the common sense to take a risk now and again on unknown, interesting directors. Unlike the Swedish Film Institute who keeps on financially supporting directors like Colin Nutley and Richard Hobert. I don´t know if you´ve heard about these old farts but I´ve had venereal diseases that have been more enjoyable than their latest movies. Take for example Colin Nutley´s latest movie “Angel”, which has to be the most embarrassing, most boring movie ever produced in Scandinavia. The titular “Angel” is a rock´n´roll singer, or at least what is Nutley´s idea of rock´n´roll and she is naturally played by Nutley´s wife Helena Bergström. To give you an idea of exactly how hard she rocks, we´re shown a couple of scenes with her rocking out on stage. Let´s just say that Nutley´s idea of loud rock´n´roll is probably something along the lines of a live album with Dire Straits. I´ve seen parking lots that have had more groove to them! This movie is filled with so many embarrassing lines and clichés that it pains me to just think of them. For instance, when Nutley wants to show exactly how decadent and wild Angel´s guitarist (played by an overweight Rolf Lassgård with frosted hair) is he drinks beer at noon and wears shades inside! Can you believe that? Kids nowadays, huh Colin? Shades inside the house! When the sun isn´t shining? Please Lord, let this decadence and madness stop!

That´s the state of Swedish movies and it´s pretty sad. Nutley is probably the most commercial successful director in Sweden and that makes me wanna weep and commit murder at the same time. Especially when I think about how I sat down the other night to watch this Danish little flick called “Frygtelig Lykkelig” aka “Terribly Happy”, which is one of the better thrillers I´ve seen in quite a while.

Robert (Jakob Cedergren ),is a police officer who´s sent from Copenhagen to a small Danish village as its new chief of police. He soon finds that the village people have their own set of rules and laws and are not ready to accept outside interference with their coda of justice. Although Robert at first tries to play everything by the book, he soon finds himself in the middle of the villager´s lies and schemes.

This movie is directed by Henrik Ruben Genz and I haven´t seen anything he´s done previous to this one but judging from how this movie looks, he has more talent in one sawed off fingernail than Colin fucking Nutley has in his whole family! Imagine what a guy like this could do on budget the size of Nutley´s crap-fests?

It´s pretty obvious that when it comes to thrillers, Genz is heavily influenced by the Coen brother´s movies like “Blood Simple” and primarily “Fargo”. I don´t know about you but I sure as hell think that if you´re gonna direct a movie, you can have a hell of lot worse role models, ok? These guys are responsible for some bona fide classics and one thing that I love about the Coen brothers is that they´ve never been afraid to mix the grimness with humor, no matter how bleak the movie may be. This is where Genz takes a cue from them: he manages to create a very bleak, miserable and damp atmosphere that runs through the movie. You know, the kind of atmosphere that you can understand why someone would allow themselves to do things that other people would consider insane. Kind of like in “Fargo”, come to think of it.

Genz also takes another cue from the Coen brothers and their masterpiece “Fargo” and that is that when the movie starts we´re told that “All events are true”. Now, “Frygtelig Lykkelig” is based on a novel by Erling Jepsen and I have no idea to what an extent the events that occur in the movie are rooted in reality but I think it´s safe to say that they´ve been embellished, ok? Kind of like in “Fargo” where it turned out that none of the events had occurred but that the brothers had just been inspired of a bunch of different incidents. I do like it, however, when a movie starts with a disclaimer like this and then boldly marches right out into left field without ever looking back. It gives a certain “Holy shit!”-vibe to the movie that I think you can only achieve by claiming that it´s “based on a true story”.

This one also follows the Coen style of filmmaking by populating it with a gallery of twisted characters. There´s the owner of the grocery store who wants Robert to punch out a young shoplifter, the doctor who appears to be getting high and supplying the hairdresser with drugs and then there´s Jörgen who may or may not be abusing his wife. The thing about this Jörgen character is that he is played by the greatest now living European actor, Kim Bodnia!

The role he´s most famous for is as Frank in the first “Pusher”-movie and if you´re not familiar with that one, you have some homework to do. He´s done some spectacular work since then, most notably in Winding Refn´s follow up to “Pusher”, “Bleeder” and in “Ekko” but in “Frygtelig Lykkelig” Bodnia gets to sink his teeth into the kind of role that he does best: a male chauvinistic, very hostile and aggressive, slightly psychotic guy. You know, not the kind you wanna spend a night on the town with. The scenes between Cedergren and Bodnia are this movie´s highlight and it´s a joy to watch them spar off each other. The scene at the bar when the two of them engage in a drinking contest is fantastic!

I have a weakness for this particular type of thriller, where an outsider comes into town and discovers that the locals have their special brand of justice and set of rules. I don´t know what it is about them but maybe it´s because they remind me of western movies? Robert could have easily been a sheriff riding into a dusty border town and the timelessness that this type of story has is one of the things that I appreciate. The fact that this is a story that would work just as well in any setting, in any country and in any different time in history is very appealing to me. Those are the best kind of stories: the stripped-down-to-the-essentials, basic, almost mythological ones. You can´t go wrong with that! It´s the same when you write a song. If you just keep it to the classic mold of “verse, chorus, verse, chorus”, you can´t go wrong. Well, I guess you can, but it´s a good start, right? Just ask the Ramones. Never underestimate the bare essentials.

The theme of secrets is a recurring one in “Frygtelig Lykkelig” and if you´ve ever lived in a small town, you know that there´s a lot of shit that goes on behind closed doors. It doesn´t matter in which part of the world you are, you can bet your ass that if there´s a red house with white picket fence, things aren´t as hunky dory as they seem. In this movie the secrets aren´t just the ones that we keep from each other but the Bog that is located just outside of the town, gets to symbolize everything that the town folks has buried through the years. Genz makes great use of this location in a couple of scenes and you can almost feel the dampness in the air.

So there you have it! The next time you find yourself looking around the DVD store for the latest European releases, instead of watching a French flick where everyone smokes Clover cigarettes and moans about their existential angst, ask the clerk if they got any new Danish releases instead. I´m outta here!

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas