Last Blog On The Left

I don´t know if you´ve noticed this but it´s Halloween today so I hope you have a happy one, fuckers! But how are you gonna spend your Halloween eve, if you´re too old to go trick-or-treating or too old to attend one of those costume parties where people dress up as assholes and make a spectacle of themselves? You watch a horror movie, of course! But then you realize that you´ve seen “Halloween” too many times. “Christ, aren´t there any new Halloween-themed horror flicks out there” you ask yourself and as it turns out, there is!

Remember what good old Glen Danzig said about Halloween: “This day, anything goes” and that´s pretty much what Michael Dougherty, writer-director of “Trick´r Treat”, thinks, too. He´s managed to create an anthology movie that is actually pretty damn good! That´s right, I´m not fucking around with you, it´s actually very good. When´s the last time you saw an anthology movie that actually worked? “Creepshow”? Well, that one was made over twenty years ago so it´s about time someone else got it right and Michael Dougherty is that guy.

Apparently this one has been sitting on Warner Bros. shelves for quite some time until they finally got their thumbs out of their asses and decided to pump it out on DVD. It´s things like this that makes me eyes water up: why in the bleeding light didn´t this get a huge theatrical release? Imagine watching this in a theatre, the week before Halloween? Consider yourself eligible for being nominated for “fuck-up of the year”, Warner Bros!

So, like I said this is an anthology movie consisting of five interwoven stories that all occur on the same block, on the same night: Halloween!  One story involves a couple finding out what happens when you blow out a jack o’ lantern before midnight, another a high school principal (Dylan Baker) who has a secret life as a serial killer, the next one a college virgin (Anna Paquin) who might have met Mr. Right. The last ones are about a group of mean teens who play a prank that they take too far and a hermit (Brian Cox) who is visited by a special trick-or-treater.

The fact that Dougherty chooses to interweave these stories is part of why it works so well. I have some problem with the usual format in which these movies are made, like “Creepshow” for instance: no matter how great that movie is, I think it´s kinda boring when you make a movie consisting of three or four “small” movies. It´s pretty hard to sustain ones interest but Dougherty avoids that hurdle pretty elegantly by breaking up the time frame and chronology and letting different characters walk in and out of the different stories. If “Creepshow” would´ve had a bastard child with “Pulp Fiction”, this is what it would´ve looked like!

You know, since I live in Sweden I have no real sense of what an actual Halloween is like. I´ve never visited the states during that time but I´ve always had this image of what it´s like in my mind: jack o´lanterns glowing everywhere, girls dressed up in more or less provocative outfits, kids walking door to door trick or treating and so on. In Sweden this occasion goes by fairly unnoticed. Except for some night clubs here and there having their usual shitty “Halloween”-themed nights, not that much happens. Which is a damn shame, I think. Not that I´m much for dressing up like a monster or anything like that but this night has always held a special place in my heart and I´d really like to experience a full-fledged Halloween night sometime but until then, “Trick´r Treat” is about as close as I´m gonna get. You see, this movie fully captures that idealized image of what Halloween looks like in my mind.

Michael Dougherty has managed to write one long love letter, drenched in blood so crimson it jumps off the page, and then somehow transcribed that love letter to celluloid. I´m not gonna lie to you, friends: “Trick´r Treat” is the best horror movie I´ve seen in long time!

And you know why it´s so god damn good? Because Dougherty knows the importance of making a horror movie like this fun! That’s right: fun! Remember “fun”? It used to be a part of pretty many horror movies back in the day, before the genre was flooded with bad J-horror imitations and movies where everyone had to escape a trap by chewing their way through their own ass and finding a key sewed into their stomach. Remember that? Hell, me and “fun” had some great times back then. But then he stopped coming around and I gotta say that I´ve missed him. I used to see an inkling of him here and there every now and then. He would pop up briefly in a movie, only to disappear quickly.

But all that is forgiven now because now he´s back with a vengeance!

I´m not saying that this is a comedy but this is a movie that springs from the same tradition as “Creepshow” and “Tales From The Crypt”, namely E.C. Comics, and if you´re familiar with these names you know how much fun bloodletting can be, without losing its creepy edge.

This is a movie that manages to combine the best things of the horror classics of yesteryear (there´s a couple of cool winks to the movies of John Carpenter) with the technical aspects of today. The most amazing thing is that Dougherty seems to have made a horror movie without using one single frame of CGI, at least from what I gather. So good work on that, Michael Dougherty!

“Trick´r Treat” has one other ace up its sleeve and that is its cinematography. It´s nothing short of spectacular! I dare you to find one frame in this movie that doesn´t bear the striking quality of a fucking painting! I believe that “lush” is the word I´m looking for. This is one beautiful piece of film.

I think it´s safe to say that this is without a doubt the best movie about Halloween ever made. I know that that is pretty strong words but if anyone has a problem with that, I´ll be happy to take it outside, ok?

“But what about John Carpenter´s Halloween?” you say and I guess that that is a valid point but the difference between “Trick´r Treat” and “Halloween” is that while “Halloween” is a fantastic film it is basically a horror movie that is set on the eve of Halloween and that´s about it, right? “Trick´r Treat” is a movie about the eve of Halloween! It´s a movie that has distilled and crammed everything we associate with Halloween into the space of 90 ghoulish minutes.

It doesn´t make things worse that Dougherty has managed to assemble a great cast. Dylan Baker as the murderous principal is fantastic! I don´t know what it is about that guy but he has a weird ability to make creeps sympathetic. Remember his turn as a pedophile in “Happiness”, where he managed to make a genuinely creepy guy weirdly nice, somehow? He does the same thing here. Then there´s Brian Cox. Enough said. Everything the man touches turns to gold.

It´s brutally obvious that this guy Michael Dougherty has the talent and the chops to create a bona fide masterpiece someday, so I definitely hope that he gets another shot at a movie, ok? If this turns out to be his one movie, I´m coming over there to set things straight! You got that, Hollywood?

So happy Halloween to ya and until next time: take scare!

Thomas

It´s time for a first here at The Last Blog on the Left today. No, we´re not going to kill someone and no one is about to try heroin, nothing like that. It´s time to talk some music, ok? Why, you wonder and that´s because today the Misfits released two brand new songs! So you can see why this is a pretty big day for me. I know that the current line-up of Misfits (Jerry Only, Robo and Dez Cadena) isn´t the most popular, to say the least, but there´s not much we can do about that, is there? There´s not much chance of Glen Danzig and Jerry Only burying the hatchet and Michale Graves and Jerry Only doesn´t seem to be on speaking terms either so we can forget about that, as well. Which is a damn shame, if you ask me! I thought that the line-up they had with Graves was nothing short of spectacular and they recorded two brilliant albums, “American Psycho” and “Famous Monsters”, which basically kick-started the whole goddamn horrorpunk genre back in the late 90´s. Well, what we get these days with all the different members out doing different things on their own can´t compare to the Graves-edition of Misfits:

• Doyle recorded his crappy Gorgeous Frankenstein-album, produced by none other than Glen Danzig. That didn´t help the fact that the songs sounded like outtakes from a goddamn Manowar-album.
• Dr. Chud, who did the drumming on “American Psycho” and “Famous Monsters”, released an album with his current band Dr. Chud´s X-Ward. That album sucked, as well. It had one good song on it, which rumor has it was written together with Graves during their Misfits-era.
• Graves himself released one fantastic album (together with Dr. Chud) under the moniker “Graves” before their relationship went to hell, as well. Since then he´s released two pretty decent albums, “Punk Rock is Dead!” and “Back to Earth” but now he seems to be more interested in doing acoustic gigs in coffee shops and writing songs with that kid from the West Memphis Three, who´s imprisoned.

That´s basically what´s been going on these last 9 (!) years with the Misfits. Jerry Only has kept the band going and have toured like a madman. They released a split single with Balzac and a cover album called “Project 1950” (where Marky Ramone did the drumming). But you already know all this shit, right?

But then something happened today… Believe it or not but the Misfits actually released two brand new songs, for the first time in 9 fucking years! The songs are called “Land of the dead” and “Twilight of the dead” and they are as of today available on iTUnes.

Now, where do we start… naturally, a lot of people are gonna hate these songs. A lot of people still haven´t gotten over the fact that Glen Danzig left the band and think that Jerry Only can´t sing to save his own life. I admit that from what I´ve heard recorded live, Only ain´t the best singer around but I have to admit that I thought he did an ok job on the “Project 1950” album. Hell, on the split single with Balzac, I really liked his vocals! Maybe he´s not the most polished vocalist around but he´s got a lot of energy and I like the fact that it comes across.

But what about the new songs? Are they any good? Or have Jerry Only forever soiled and tarnished the legacy of the Misfits?

Well, I have to admit that I kinda like “Land of the dead”. Only does an ok job with the vocals and it´s a pretty catchy tune, albeit a bit too much metal but we all saw that one coming, right? I just wish that Marky Ramone would´ve stayed around for the recording of this one and handled the drumming. It sure could´ve used some old fashioned four-by-four-beats on the high hat. But all in all, it´s a pretty good tune but let´s be honest here: if this had been included on any of the “American Psycho” or “Famous Monsters”-albums, it wouldn´t have been considered a Misfits-classic. Not like “The Forbidden Zone” or “Crying on Saturday night”, if you know what I mean.

When it comes to “Twilight of the dead” it´s a pretty mediocre tune, unfortunately. Hell, I´ve listened to it about ten times now and I still can´t hum it. That´s not how it´s supposed to be with a Misfits-tune, is it? Also, there´s a fucking solo that sucks pretty hard. It´s pretty much saved by a chorus that manages to soar a bit.

But you  know, I´m not gonna let this bring me down. I´m just happy that Jerry Only finally managed to bring some new material out there and if he were to announce a new album, I´d definitely buy it. Say what you will, but these two songs is a hell of a lot better than that fucking Gorgeous Frankenstein-album, ok?

It´s just a shame that instead of keeping the Graves-lineup together, where that particular group of people wrote and recorded spectacular songs, we get a whole slew of solo-projects with albums that doesn´t measure up to anything that the Misfits produced. It´s a crying shame…

But all in all, at least these songs do bear a resemblance to what the Misfits once were, unlike Graves´ acoustic albums or Ugly-ass Frankenstein. I could live with some more tunes from Jerry Only & co. But rope in Marky the next time, ok? And get Daniel Rey to produce the damn thing!

Oh, I almost forgot: if the Misfits can do it, so can we and that´s why we released two brand new songs as well. They´re called “I Always Knew I´d Die on a Saturday Night” and “When This Living Hell Ends” and are available for your listening pleasure over at The Dead Next Door´s myspace!

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

I am disappointed… And it isn´t because I´ve finally come to terms with the fact that Elvis may actually be dead. No, it´s because the other night I sat down to watch “Pig Hunt”, directed by Jim Isaac. Everything about his movie screamed out that it might be fun as hell! Turned out it wasn´t. I mean, listen to this premise and tell that if it doesn´t sound like a lot of fun:  John (Travis Aaron Wade) takes his San Francisco friends to his deceased uncle’s remote ranch to hunt wild pigs. It seems like a typical guys´ weekend with guns – despite the presence of John’s girlfriend Brooks (Tina Huang). But as John and his crew trek deeper into the forest, they begin tracking the awful truth about his uncle’s demise and the legend of The Ripper — a murderous three-thousand-pound black boar! The weekend involves fields of marijuana, high-powered weaponry, the violent and unpredictable Tibbs Brothers (Jason Foster & Nick Tagas), massacred emus, a machete-toting Hippie Stranger, vengeful rednecks and so on… Needless to say, this innocent pig hunt quickly turns sour…

Now, everyone out there who doesn´t think that that sounds like an awesome movie, raise your hand! No one? Everybody can agree that this sounds freakin´ great? That´s what I thought. I mean, how can you go wrong with a movie that tries to combine the concepts of “Deliverance” and “Razorback”, two masterpieces? Who doesn´t wanna watch some inbred hillbillies wreaking havoc while being chased by a giant boar? That sounds like the movie of my dreams, for crying out loud!

But sadly, my dreams were crushed once again. It´s partly my own fault since I made cardinal movie-watching-mistake #1 and let my hopes run too high. That´s never ever a good thing when you´re about to watch a horror movie. But I really did expect greatness from this movie and that is director Jim Isaac´s fucking fault! You see, he directed “Jason X”, which is easily one of the stupidest and most enjoyable entries in the “Friday the 13^th”-frachise, and “Skinwalkers”, which was a perfectly enjoyable werewolf-on-motorcycles-romp. I definitely thought he had it in him to create an awesome R-rated, Grindhouse-smelling, exploitation-“Deliverance”-riff. Sadly this isn´t it.

The first thing wrong with this movie is the actors. To put it bluntly: they suck! Hell, in “Skinwalkers”, Isaac managed to rope in some real actors but in this one they are squirm-inducingly amateurish. I applaud Isaac for going “indie” and seeking funding outside the Hollywood studio system, but really, there´s no excuse for hiring these guys. Christ, if you´re shooting a movie in the states, actors are bound to be a dime a dozen, right? It shouldn´t be a problem to find a couple of them that are good, right?

Then we have the script. If you look at all the ingredients, it makes perfect sense and should have made for an insanely entertaining flick. Except all the things that I´ve already mentioned, they even manage to throw a cult of naked girls in the mix, as well. I don´t know about you but I am of the opinion that a bunch of naked hippie girls improves every movie! No film has ever suffered from that. But in this one it´s a clear case of “too little, too late”. Let me explain: the movie takes a good 45 minutes to even get going and that is simply too damn long for a movie of this kind. I´m all for a slow burning mood piece but a movie about a giant pig killing rednecks in the woods ain´t supposed to be “slow-burning”, ok? Especially not when the actors who are left with run-of-the-mill-redneck dialogue aren´t particularly good! They you better get to the gore as quickly as you can!

Granted that when Isaac finally gets to the gore, it´s pretty decent. But when the nudity enters the movie, it sits badly with the rest of the movie. Hell, there´s something I never thought I´d say but I´m afraid I have to express my disappointment with this particular case of gratuitous nudity. It just feels like it´s part of another movie.

I guess that Jim Isaac is trying to get some sort of message across because there´s a couple of characters in the movie that dresses in army fatigues, without having ever been in the army. There´s also mention of John´s dead uncle and how he was obsessed with anti-terrorist policies of the United States. I´m not sure what Isaac is trying to communicate with this: that American hillbillies are conservative paranoid assholes who drinks themselves to death? That USA is full of army-glorifying people who doesn´t know what they´re talking about? No shit, Sherlock!

Don´t get me wrong, I´m all for it when horror movies has some subtext or political allegories to them but this one was a tad too obvious and they don´t quite pull it off. Christ, everyone can´t be George Romero, can they? Isaac throws out a couple of good threads in the movie but it doesn´t pay off very well at the end. Let´s just say that there´s a George W. Bush quote in there and that scene is pretty embarrassing, to be honest. But don´t let this put you off, Jim Isaac! I have high hopes for you and genuinely think that the next time around you´ll pull off even the political subtext. Strive for excellence and all that shit…

Another thing that is pretty shitty about this movie, not to mention downright annoying, is the score! While watching this movie I kept repeatedly asking myself “what kind of shit are they playing?” The score is a weird mix of banjos, harmonicas, weird yelling and double kick drums. This could´ve made for a truly original score along the lines of “Ravenous” but it falls flat on its three thousand pound stomach. During the credits I just had to see who the hell was responsible for this weird mess of a score and that´s when I saw a name I recognized: Les Claypool!

I don´t know if you´re familiar with this guy´s work but he was the songwriter in insanely crappy band Primus, who for some reason made it pretty big during the 90´s. I can´t begin to describe to you how much I hated Primus back when I was a kid. So that´s why I won´t. Let´s just say that Primus sucked big, hairy, man-made balls!

Something that struck me while watching this movie is the fact that why in the hell is it always that the people that are going on a hunting/camping/drinking-and-fucking-weekend always appear to genuinely dislike each other? Is that the way that it works in the states? Hell, if I were to go on a god damn camping trip (which won´t happen anytime soon), I´d sure as hell go with people whose company I´d enjoy. Wouldn´t you? But not these guys, oh no! And one of the guys even has the audacity, the nerve, the balls to bring his girlfriend, who he knows that his friends aren´t too fond of! And she willingly goes along! Is that something you would do, if you knew that your boy/girlfriend´s friends doesn´t like you: “Sure, I´ll come on that all-girls-trip with you, honey! Absolutely!”

Who are these fucking people that filmmakers keep putting into horror movies? Can´t we just for once get a guy who says to his girlfriend that “I´m not so sure it´s such a good idea, darling. You wouldn´t enjoy it very much and besides, you and Jeff hate each other´s guts, remember?” But oh no, let´s bring a bunch of people who doesn´t particularly enjoy each other company and have them engage in an activity that involves killing living creatures! That´s a great idea, huh? But not very believable, to say the least.

And what about whenever a couple in a horror movie is spending the night in a tent? Do they have to have noisy sex when they know that their friends are right next them? Their single friends, mind you. I don´t know about you but I find that pretty inconsiderate. Couldn´t we, for once, get to see a scene like this where the couple decide not to have sex? Is there any chance of that, Hollywood? Is it too much to ask to get a couple of characters that behaves like actual people every now and then? Instead of this embarrassing scene where John gets Brooks all hot and horny by explaining the thrill of hunting and killing a living thing? It made me cringe and I don´t cringe easily, mark my words!

No, Jim Isaac, I think that you could do a lot better than this. This is not the way to go about when making a “Deliverance”-style horror movie, ok? I´m gonna give you some homework that includes watching “Straw Dogs” and “Eden Lake” until next time, ok? You should also write “I swear to make better horror movies in the future” one hundred times on the black board, ok? I still have hope for you but you better get to it.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

I have something important to tell you, friends. I am a man of weak character. I have many weaknesses. I swear too much. I drink too much. And when I drink I smoke too much, as well. And I like werewolf movies. No, strike that: I love werewolf movies! I can´t help myself! Whenever there´s a new werewolf movie released, I have to see it! There´s no stopping me. And you know what else? There´s always a part of me that keeps hoping that “This one is gonna rock! Holy shit, I don´t care if it was shot on DV and directed by a retarded crack-addicted mental case, it might be good!” The sad thing is that I am almost always disappointed. Very rarely is a new werewolf movie released, that also happens to be actually good! I know that vampires are all the rage at the moment, thanks to those whiny fuckers in “Twilight” and HBO´s “True Blood” but let´s be honest here, people, ok? Vampires got nothing on werewolves! They never have and they never will. Ok, maybe those guys in “Near Dark” did but that´s about it. I´ve never been that into vampires and I think it´s because a certain movie called “Interview with the Vampire” starring Hollywood´s favorite midget/sect member/couch jumper: Tom Cruise!

That movie was released when I was about fifteen years old and needless to say, I was a horror movie buff. I was really looking forward to that movie, I had read the Anne Rice books but I wasn´t a huge fan but I thought that a movie could be cool. Especially if it was directed by Neil Jordan, like this one! Hell, the man was responsible for “Company of Wolves” which is a fantastic flick so how the hell could this fail? Well, it could and it did.

I´m not saying that “Interview with the Vampire” is a complete failure but after that movie, my feelings towards vampires were never the same. First of all, the movie wasn´t scary and Tom Cruise is about the least believable vampire in the history of movies. And watching Brad Pitt brood and brood and brood for about two hours isn´t my idea of a good movie. Besides, who the hell dresses these fucking vampires? Did they hire the same stylist that Meat Loaf had when he did his “Bat out of hell II”-album? Those puffy shirts, man! I can´t for the life of me understand what vampires´ fascination is with these fucking puffy shirts! Give me werewolves any day of the week, man. At least they don´t look like pirates.

That´s why I wanna draw your attention to “Wolfen” today. It´s a pretty underrated flick. It has Albert Finney in the lead and for those of you who doesn´t understand that that fact alone makes it a great film, I feel sorry for you. The man is a legend!

Finney plays Dewey Wilson, a New York City cop assigned to solve a bizarre set of violent murders where it appears that the victims have been killed by animals. Assisting him in the pursuit of these killers are Rebecca Neff (Diane Venora) and Whittington (Gregory Hines).

Now, I´ve been leading you on a bit. You see, this movie isn´t actually about werewolves. Not the kind we are familiar with, at least. As it turns out, the leads that Wilson uncover draws him into a weird society of a godlike tribe of wolves that has a connection to the Native Americans.

I know, I know, it sounds weird and pretty crappy when you say it out loud but trust me on this when I say that it actually works. And there´s a couple of reasons for that and one of them is definitely Albert fucking Finney! Oddly enough, he gives this movie more class than it deserves. He and Gregory Hines make a great team. I should say that Finney and Gregory Hines´ afro makes a great team, because that afro is pretty spectacular. So, Finney and Hines´ afro has some great scenes and some pretty good chemistry.

The thing I love about Finney in this movie is that he plays his own age. He´s an older, experienced detective who´s had his fair share of blows and has given up on politeness a long time ago. It´s actually kinda refreshing to see a character like this. How about playing one like that, Tom Cruise? No, wait a minute, I forgot that you still look like a god damn high school kid so that´s out of the question.

There´s also a great turn by the fantastic Edward James Olmos. Come on, we´re all nerds here and since he spent the last five years as Captain Adama on TV´s “Battlestar Galactica”, we all love him, right? In this one he plays Eddie Holt, one of the suspects and he´s actually pretty damn scary here. There´s just something about Olmos, you´re never quite sure where you have him. Remember “Blade Runner”? Of course you remember it. You´d have to be retarded to say “no” to that question. Anyway, he was pretty scary, or at least slightly unnerving, in that one, too. In this one he plays a Native American who might know a lot more than he shows.

Now, there´s a scene in this movie that has to be seen to be believed and it includes Edward James Olmos. It has him dancing around, naked and foaming at the mouth. We´re talking full frontal fucking nudity here! So, if you ever wanted to know what the commissioner from “Miami Vice” or Captain Adama looked like in his birthday suit, this is the flick for you!

Diane Venora´s character doesn´t contribute that much to the movie, unfortunately. I always liked her but her talents are wasted here. But at least we don´t get some tacked on-love story between her and Finney and for that I thank you, “Wolfen”! That could´ve ruined the whole thing for me, to be honest.

Another reason (except Edward James Olmos´ liberated penis) why this is such a cool movie is the way that it looks and is shot. It was directed by a fella named Michael Wadleigh and he had only directed one other movie before this one and that movie was “Woodstock”, the documentary. I´ve never seen that one since I am not a particularly big fan of watching drugged out hippies dancing in the mud while Jimi Hendrix does five minute long-guitar solos, ok? However, I find it very strange that this guy didn´t get to direct another movie after “Wolfen”. He´s obviously a talented guy and he managed to predate that familiar Predator-vision when he´s shooting from the wolves point of view by a good five or six years here.

Now, since this is a movie that was shot back in 1981 in New York City, we are treated to some fantastic settings that no longer exist. Burnt out buildings, grimy back alleys, it´s all here!

There´s one thing I haven´t mentioned about this film and that is the fact that one of my all time favorite actors, Tom Noonan, has a small role in it. Noonan played Francis Dollarhyde in the original “Manhunter”, Frankenstein in “Monster Squad”, Kelso in “Heat” and so on. Every single role the man has done is fantastic and this is no exception!

The great thing about “Wolfen” is that it manages to tap into that great concept about urban legends. As an audience member, we actually buy into the concept of a tribe of wolves existing among us, just barely out of sight and that they have been doing so for over a hundred years. I don´t know about you but I just love an idea like that in a movie: that there´s something ancient and secret going on around us in an urban environment. God knows what kind of freaky shit that´s going on around me in my hometown. For instance, my neighbor who´s always wearing camouflage pants? What´s up with that? I bet that that fucker is part of some sort of militia that´s been around for decades, just waiting to strike and take over the city when the time is right.

So if you haven´t seen this one, it´s about time! If you ever find yourself in the mood for a “werewolf” movie with a twist and with a not-so-subtle Darwinian message, this is the flick for you.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

You know how it is, every once in a while you come across a movie so insanely bizarre that you´re not quite sure what to think of it. These are movies of a special type: movies that are so ill-conceived and wrong in almost every aspect that you can´t help but enjoy them. I´m talking about such movies as “Battlefield Earth”, “Wild Wild West”, “Avengers” and “Bad Boys II”. These movies are often equipped with huge budgets and as an effect, there is one hell of a lot of people who wants to have their say in the making and I guess that´s why the movies I mentioned earlier have turned out so bizarre. But say whatever you may about them but the fact remains that these movies are in fact more entertaining than most movies due to the fact that they are so ill-conceived and misplaced in everything that they try to achieve. I mean, who doesn´t get a laugh out of the sight of John Travolta in high heeled boots and giant dreadlocks?

Unfortunately, I would place today´s movie, “The Spirit”, in this category. I don´t want to but I have to. I had the highest hopes for this picture before it was released and I thought that the trailer was looking pretty promising. Frank Miller was hot on his heels from the success of “Sin City” (which he co-directed along with Robert Rodriguez) and “300” and I guess that finally he got enough clout to tell the studio that he wanted to adapt Will Eisner´s classic comic book, shoot it like they did with “Sin City” and direct it himself.

Well, the studio obliged… and the result is so utterly bizarre that it defies description!

First of all, we gotta remember that Frank Miller is a fucking genius when it comes to writing and drawing comic books, ok? He revolutionized the industry with “The Dark Knight Returns”, for chrissakes! And I guess that a lot of people have been telling Mr. Miller this over the years and that he has bought into that concept of himself being an almighty genius. At least that´s how it seems when you watch the DVD extras on “The Spirit”, as I did in search of some sort of clue of how this movie could turn out this way.

Let´s not forget the fact that “Sin City” was co-directed by Robert Rodriguez and “300” was directed by Zack Snyder, ok? No matter how great a comic book writer Frank Miller may be, he is not a film director and I don´t think that he will ever be one. Hey, Snyder directed “Watchmen” so it´s quite obvious that the guy has talent, right? That was a frickin´ great comic book adaptation! Not like “The Spirit” at all, if you get my drift. Because frankly, “The Spirit” sucks donkey balls.

But you see, no matter how bad or terrible “The Spirit” is, it´s still pretty god damn funny. It even manages to be pretty weird at times. I´m not saying that this makes up for the awfulness but at least it´s not boring watching it and I can´t completely hate a movie that has Samuel L. Jackson dressing up as an SS officer in one scene, ok? To be honest, I don´t know what Frank Miller what was thinking when he wrote the script. Hell, I don´t even know if he even wrote a god damn script or if he just made it up as he went along. There´s not much to remind you of the original comic book left, that´s for sure.

The story centers around Denny Colt (Gabriel Macht), a rookie cop who´s killed in the line of duty. Soon after he returns from the beyond as The Spirit, a hero whose mission it is to fight against the bad forces of Central City (you know, the city that was his lover and his mistress and his mother and babysitter and whatever, according to the trailer. Oh, it screamed for him as well).  He´s forced to battle The Octopus (Samuel L. Jackson) and his sidekick Silken Floss (Scarlett Johansson), as well as an array of beautiful ladies (Eva Mendez, Paz Vega, Sarah Paulson among others) as well as a bizarre trio of cloned henchmen (don´t ask me. It has to be seen to be believed).

I can´t begin to describe to you how bizarre this plays out on screen. It´s both awful and wonderful at the same time!

Scarlett Johansson in particular has a hard time wrapping her tongue around Frank Miller´s over-the-top-hardboiled dialogue. She comes across like a slightly retarded person. I thought she was pretty good in that “Lost in Translation” movie and in Woody Allen´s “Match Point” but hey, wait a minute! On those two movies she worked with actual directors! I forgot that.

The same thing with Eva Mendes. But I gotta tell ya, I´ve never seen her perform particularly well in any movie. Maybe in “We Own The Night” but that´s about it. But I reckon that she isn´t exactly famous for her thespian qualities.

So what about this Gabriel Macht fella? “The Spirit” himself? This was supposed to be this guy´s big break but unfortunately he´s bound to wander the way of Barry Pepper after this movie was released. Maybe you´ve heard about the legend of Barry Pepper and his promising career that was just getting started? This was back in 1999 or so and Pepper had just done a role in “Saving Private Ryan” and was headed for stardom. But then he took on the leading role in “Battlefield Earth” and what was once a promising acting career hasn´t fully recovered yet. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the ballad of Barry Pepper and I think that this Gabriel Macht may be heading down that same road. He acts as if he´s drunk, horny and on morphine in practically every scene of this strange, strange film. We´ll probably end up seeing this guy in straight-to-video-actioneers, next to the Wesley Snipes- and Michael Dudikoff-flicks.

But is there anything good about this movie? Any redeeming qualities at all? Well, the visuals are pretty cool. They would have been so much cooler if we hadn´t seen it all in “Sin City”, though. I would´ve preferred if Miller would´ve tried to create a movie more along the color scheme of the original comic book. That would´ve meant that it would´ve probably looked like something along the lines of Warren Beatty´s comic book adaptation “Dick Tracy”, but Miller obviously felt the need to transform Central City into Sintral City.

But that´s basically where the good stuff ends. If you´ve seen “Sin City” you know that Frank Miller is obsessed by cars, macho men who talks like they´re living in a 1940´s Film Noir (the word “Broad” is mentioned at least every other minute) and beautiful women. It´s the same thing in “The Spirit” and maybe if we hadn´t seen this before, it could´ve been at least entertaining (in the right way) but as it is now, it´s a clear case of “been there, seen that”.

And the fact remains that no matter what good things I try to find about this movie, Frank Miller is not a film director! Like I said, he may be the greatest comic book writer on the planet but he shouldn´t be allowed to direct another movie (or maybe he should, depending on how entertaining you find this bizarre mess of a film). It´s painfully obvious that he has no idea about the pacing of a movie or how you tell a story with moving images, ok?

But then we have the weird touches I mentioned earlier, the ones that seem almost like Miller threw in there after dropping some acid. For instance, why exactly does The Octopus keep changing clothes in every scene? He goes from a giant fur coat to a samurai outfit to a Nazi suit and so on. He also keeps bringing up eggs, which is kind of weird, by saying things like “Do I look like I have egg on my face?” and so on. It´s these things that saves “The Spirit” from becoming just a fiasco and placing in firmly among other movies in this bizarre category of films that is so bad that they are almost good.

One scene that deserves special mention is when The Octopus and The Spirit are having it out with each other in a swamp of some sort, when The Octopus all of a sudden pulls up a toilet and smashes it on The Spirits head. Afterwards he cackles in that insane way that only villains in comic book movies do and says “Come on! Toilets are always funny!” Now, if I were to meet Frank Miller in real life and I could only ask him one question, I would definitely ask him about what the fuck he was thinking when he directed this scene! Who the hell told him that toilets are always funny? Has he ever visited a toilet? Exactly what is it that he finds so goddamn funny about them? Most of the time when I am on the toilet, I am not smiling but hey, that´s just me!

But you know, on the other hand: how can you not enjoy a movie where something this weird does take place? The question of whether to love or loathe “The Spirit” remains a double-edged sword, my friends.

But it´s a good thing you waited to do this until Will Eisner died, Frank Miller, cause I´m pretty sure that he would have cried his eyeballs out at the result.

Before I´m outta here I gotta mention the fact that The Spirit´s costume is pretty fantastic. No one recognizes him as Denny Colt even though he rivals Superman when it comes to wearing the least camouflaging costume ever: simply one of those eye masks that burglars in Donald Duck comics wear. I mean, who´s gonna recognize you when you´re wearing one of those fuckers?

So, “Plan 9 From Outer Space”, “Battlefield Earth” and “Avengers”, say hello to your new friend: “The Spirit”! I think you´ll be seeing a lot of each other in the years to come! Get ready to share some double features in the future…

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Hey, remember back when we were in high school and that time when we went down to the basement of that abandoned asylum and found that living dead girl, who you tried to kill a bunch of times but then you decided to fuck her? And you kept on doing it… and you invited your friends. Remember that? That was pretty weird. Now, if you answered “Yeah” to those questions then I am pretty sure that you need some professional help, and I´m not talking about a therapist here, I´m talking serious medication, ok?

But fortunately I´m not talking about me here, instead it´s the basic premise for this recent horror flick called “Deadgirl” (yes, it´s spelled as one word, Mr. know-it-all!) and if you´re gonna believe the hype that´s been surrounding this flick this is the best thing that has happened to horror since Bram Stoker sat his ass down and started writing a little novel called “Dracula”. I don´t know, maybe you´ve heard of it? Maybe it´ll end up on the New York Times Bestseller-list one of these days…

But anyway, back to “Deadgirl”. The DVD-cover is plastered with lots of hyperbolic quotes. Aint it cool news calls it “Brilliant!”, Twitch thinks that it´s “Sure to be one of the most talked about films of the year”, Bloody-Disgusting says that it´s “An immediate classic” and that old fucker Rex Reed says “Don´t say that I didn´t warn you!”. Hell, Film Threat even compares it Cronenberg! That´s some pretty big shoes to fill, if you ask me.

But I´ll tell you this much: I really liked this film! But let´s be honest here, ok? Cronenberg this ain´t! But it´s definitely an interesting piece of art. But like so many independent flicks the acting is pretty uneven. For instance, the two High School kids, Rickie and J.T., are played by Shiloh Fernandez and Noah Segan respectively and let´s just say that these two kids aren´t exactly equals when it comes to the craft of acting. This Fernandez kid is pretty damn good and if this kid doesn´t get a break soon, I don´t know what those fuckers in Hollywood are looking for. This kid looks like a younger Joaquin Phoenix and he definitely has the chops to build a career for himself. Maybe he goes too far into the mumbling, stumbling thing sometimes but he´s definitely got it!

This Segan kid is a whole ´nother matter. In more than a couple of scenes he goes over the top and this makes for some pretty bizarre scenes when you´re watching two such different acting styles. And that´s basically my main objection to this, at times fantastic, film: they should´ve reeled in this Segan kid more.

I know that this movie has gotten some flak for the way it portrays High School boys but I think that´s a load of crap, basically. I think it´s funny how certain people never mention anything about how women are portrayed in genre films but when it comes down to guys doing despicable things, it´s all right to whine on and on about what kind of image this creates. I find this whole debate completely meaningless. For chrissakes, we´re dealing with a horror movie here, ok? I don´t know about you but when I sit down to watch a horror flick, I don´t get that upset when I realize that the movie in question isn´t totally realistic, ok? If we were to expect that of every horror movie we saw, how much fun would that be? This is an, at times, very graphic, gruesome and sadistic movie, but we´re not talking “torture porn” here, ok? The directors plays it very smart and shows us very little, to be honest. Considering the hype surrounding this movie, I was a little weary before watching it. I was expecting a violent porn-like extravaganza. Fortunately, that wasn´t the case!

Instead this movie draws upon other films, such as “The River´s Edge” and “Heathers” to name but two. “Deadgirl” has an almost fairy tale-like quality to it, albeit a very provocative one. While watching this one, I kinda got the feeling that if Clive Barker and the brothers Grimm would´ve decided to write something together, this is what it would´ve ended up like. This movie takes place in the kind of heightened reality that we don´t get to see too often in movies nowadays. Some scenes even have a Tim Burton-esque quality to them.

It actually manages to raise a fair amount of interesting questions about what we consider to be human and where do we draw that line. It also deals with our ability to empathize with other creatures, human or not. For instance, if you´re growing up in dead end town with no future prospects whatsoever, how does this affect your ability to empathize with others?

Like all the best horror movies, there´s a lot to be found in form of social commentary here. It would be interesting to hear what someone like George A. Romero thought about this one.

“Deadgirl” is the latest in what has proven to be a long run of horror films dealing with how cruel teenagers and children can be, if they´re left without supervision. Remember “Eden Lake”? Or “The Strangers”? “Them”? The list goes on and on and I´ve talked about this new wave of child-and teenage-related horror movies here before. What makes “Deadgirl” so interesting is the fact that it manages to take on a fresh perspective on such tired old issues as peer pressure, teenage angst, absent parents and the apathy of growing up in a small town.

Another thing that I liked about it is the fact that Michael Bowen´s character, the drunk who´s moved in with Rickie´s mom, isn´t your typical white trash stepdad who´s beating everyone with his belt, that we usually see in horror movies. He´s actually seem like an ok guy who´s just having difficulties with holding his liquor. He tries to talk to Rickie and find out what´s going on with him and give some form of paternal advice, since his mother is nowhere to be found. It´s refreshing to see this kind of character treated like this in a horror movie. Naturally, he´s painfully oblivious to what´s going on around him but at least he´s not a complete bastard and actually shows that he has his heart in the right place.

Before we end this rambling, you might´ve guessed that this isn´t your ideal “date”-movie, right? I´m not sure how to categorize this one since it isn´t your typical straight-up horror movie, but it´s definitely extreme enough to fall into that category. It may not be the most original movie out there when it comes to its portrayal of the high school archetypes (the jocks, the nerds, the cheerleaders and so on) but it´s definitely one of the more original “horror” movies I´ve seen in a long time and unfortunately, I think that it pinpoints fairly well what can happen if kids grow up feeling ostracized from the rest of society.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Hey, here´s a great first date-movie for you: It´s about this poor clown who works the birthday party circuit and who ends up being gang raped in the ass by a bunch of hillbillies and then descends into the darkest corner of the human psyche. How´s that sound? I promise you that if the date you´re with doesn´t like this, she/he ain´t worth dating! Cause honestly, who doesn´t get a kick out of watching a clown being raped? And if your date doesn´t wanna watch this fine film, I think that you should bring it home to your dear old mom and dad, make yourself a nice, big bowl of popcorn and let them enjoy it.

Now, if you are the kind of person that would balk at this proposition and are shaking your head this moment and saying “I´m not gonna watch that fucked up shit! Who the hell wants to see some clown get ass raped? I sure as hell don’t!” then I beg you to reconsider because the movie I wanna discuss with you today, “Vulgar”, is actually pretty damn good. It´s creepy and funny, kinda like life itself, huh?

Now, I don´t know how you feel about clowns. I never liked them. I remember going to the circus as a kid and I always found them slightly unnerving. I never understood them and the sight of a grown man, complete with makeup, a wig and oversized shoes always made me suspicious. And what´s with the crying? The clowns at the circus cried one moment, only to be laughing their ass off the next. Just talking about them, gives me the chills.

Bu the great thing about “Vulgar” is that director Bryan Johnson has basically managed to create a rape-revenge story that throws you more than a couple of curveballs that keeps you on edge. The story focuses on Will (played by Brian O´Halloran) who tries to make a living as a children´s clown but has not been getting much luck lately. He calls himself Flappy the clown but at the moment he´s broke, can´t afford his bills and lives in a crappy apartment. Bums are constantly sleeping in his run down car and crashing on his lawn. Basically, his life sucks pretty badly at the moment.

But one day he comes up with the idea to become a bachelor clown! He figures he can dress up like a woman, enter the party, and everyone will have a good laugh. But, on his first attempt, he is attacked by Ed Fanelli (played with glee by Jerry Lewkowitz) and his deranged sons, Frankie (Ethan Suplee) and Gino (Matthew Maher), who drug him, beat him, and force him to engage in sexual activities with them as they record the incident.

Time goes by and due to a strange series of events, Flappy becomes a media darling when he manages to save a girl who´s being held hostage. Being the name on everybody´s lips, Flappy is offered his own TV show but just as he is living the life he has always dreamed of, he receives a call. It´s Ed Fanelli and if he does not pay him to keep quiet, Fanelli will expose the tapes of their sexual encounter…

As you might notice this isn´t your usual girl-taking-revenge-on-her-assailants, huh? This movie starts out as a dark comedy, only to take a left turn into some really, really dark territory. If you recognize some of the names in the cast, it´s because both O´Halloran and Suplee are Kevin Smith-regulars. They play pretty big roles in “Clerks” and “Mallrats” respectively. Smith produced this movie and has a small role as a TV-executive and I guess that he did this as a favor to this friend, Bryan Johnson, who helped him out during “Clerks”.

Now, the thing that doesn´t work about this movie is basically the same thing that plagues many of Smith´s movies: amateurish acting and overwritten dialogue. As amusing as much of Smith´s dialogue may be, you have to admit that it doesn´t exactly sound natural, right? I mean, how many of your friends burst into three minute long monologues about what the Storm troopers in “Star Wars” really represent, while you´re visiting the corner store? Much of Johnson´s dialogue in “Vulgar” has this same thing going on, as well. The people in this movie just seem a little bit too articulate for it to be completely realistic but on the other hand, he really has a knack for writing insults and arguments. It´s mostly pretty amusing stuff.

However, what this movie lacks in dialogue from time to time and however amateurish some of the actors may be, Johnson makes up for it by being smart enough to populate the movie with some really fine performers in the parts that really matter. For instance, Brian O´Halloran delivers a very fine performance and if you don´t feel for this guy, I don´t know what the hell is the matter with you. And that right there is one of this film´s greatest achievements, ladies and gentlemen: the fact that the lead character is a god damn clown but we still root for the guy!

I mean, think about it: if you are in your early thirties like me, chances are that Stephen King fucked you up for life with “It”. I can guarantee you that that´s the case with me. Like I mentioned earlier, I found clowns creepy as a kid but after having read “It” there was no turning back! My life would from there on out be plagued by my inherent skepticism and fear of those white-painted fuckers! I was scarred for life and things didn´t exactly get any better when I saw the TV adaptation of the novel starring Tim Curry as Pennywise the freaky clown-bastard. That performance haunted me in my youth.

Despite all this baggage, Johnson manages to create a sympathetic clown character for once and to tell you the truth, it´s kinda relieving. There´s this whole subgenre out there of movies starring children´s entertainers behaving badly. We´ve got “Shakes the Clown” (where we get to meet an alcoholic clown) and “Bad Santa”, just to mention a few. Don´t get me wrong, I love these films but these characters are always assholes. That is not the case with Flappy the clown (although he gets to use his asshole in a not so pleasant way). He´s a genuinely nice guy, who just wants to carve out an existence where he can entertain kids and spread some joy in this world. That is quite a testament to O´Halloran´s performance that we like this clown-guy. The scene when he breaks down after having been raped is quite powerful.

And don´t get me started on the rape sequence… It´s pretty harsh stuff, let me tell ya that much but it manages to be so without showing us much at all.  The reason for this is because of Jerry Lewkowitz´s performance as one of the creepiest, most deranged daddies that has ever graced the screen. I can´t believe that this guy hasn´t done any more work after this movie! It was made back in 2000, for chrissakes! If Dennis Hopper´s crazier-than-a-bat-in-a-shithouse-character Frank Booth from “Blue Velvet” were to have a kid with those creepy ass-raping rednecks from “Deliverance”, it might´ve come out as something like this Ed Fanelli-character. Not the kind of guy you want baby-sitting your kids. But it´s not just the fact that he is clearly deranged out of his mind that makes this character so creepy. It´s the fact that in one scene we get to see that this guy actually has a family, a wife and daughter, that doesn´t respect him at all. That makes this character a bit more realistic and so much scarier. The idea of such a twisted guy being able to keep a family going without anyone suspecting it is pretty frightening.

Since this movie is produced by Kevin Smith, naturally we get a cameo from Jason Mewes aka “Jay” and as always, he´s hilarious. I don´t know about you but this guy cracks me up. In this one he plays a drug/arms-dealer and he has a short monologue about how this big guy named Lamont who works at the gas station have beaten him and his friends up and at one point he picks up a cat and growls “Oh, if only you were Lamont! If only you were Lamont…” This has to be seen to be believed but like I said, it´s hilarious.

This is definitely one of the most surprising movies to come out of Kevin Smith´s company View Askew but it does raises some very interesting questions, like how much can a good, decent guy take before he finally snaps? It is also one of the more realistic portrayals of male friendship I´ve seen in a long time.

So, my friends, if you have that crucial first date coming up in the near future, this is the movie to watch! Cause like I said in the beginning: who doesn´t get a kick out of watching a clown being ass raped?

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

For those of you out there who know me, you might be familiar with the fact that sometimes I am the type of guy who likes to live on the edge. Not always, but sometimes. Some might even say that I am a rebel. Well, at least that´s what I keep saying. That´s why I am brave enough to sit down and expose my mind and senses to the types of movies that most of you only hear about mentioned in passing in weird conversations which takes place in obscure basement locations. I do this only so that you won´t have to. I do this as a favor to you, my dear friend!

“Why?” you ask and the reason for this mental beating that I subject myself to is because every now and again you stumble upon that rare beast of a movie: a straight-to-DVD-movie that is actually worth your time! I´ll admit that it doesn´t happen very often but once in a blue moon you get lucky. Sometimes you hit the jackpot and come across a straight-to-DVD-sequel that is actually worth your precious time! I know, I know, it sounds ludicrous but it can happen, believe me. A lot of people will tell you that today´s straight-to-DVD-sequel, “S. Darko” is not one of those but don´t listen to those nay-sayers, ok? I´m here to prove them wrong and take a stand in the name of all that is good and pure and right about this world, ok? That´s just how I roll, baby.

Now, if you´re not familiar with “Donnie Darko” (the movie that this one is a sequel to), then I don´t know what to tell you. It is one of the greatest American films of the last ten years, ok? It was Richard Kelly´s debut film and I don´t know what the fucker did but he really managed to create something special by mixing a comic book-origin story with David Lynch and setting it all in an American High School during the 80´s. It really is a one of a kind movie! I should also add that I´m talking about the theatrical cut, ok? I wasn´t too thrilled about the Director´s cut, which actually managed to give too much away, but the theatrical one is still a frickin´ masterpiece.

We all know the story of what happened to Kelly after this: he wrote and directed the much berated “Southland Tales” and when it was shown in its original 8 hour cut at the Cannes Film Festival, someone decided to put a price on Kelly´s head (and it wasn´t the Grand Jury Prize, if you know what I mean).

I´ll admit that “Southland Tales” is one weird movie and I wrote about it a long time ago (here) but I still kind of liked it. Now Kelly has a new flick opening soon called “The Box”, which looks great, so I´m not ready to count him out yet. However, when it came to making a sequel to “Donnie Darko”, he passed. Now, who would the company then call upon? They would have to be forced to find someone with similar artistic integrity, someone with a similar original take upon different genres, right? That´s why the job went to Chris Fisher!

What? You haven´t heard of him? I´m not too surprised, to be honest. He´s the writer-director behind such movies as “Night Stalker”, “Rampage” and “Dirty”. If I were to tell you that this guy isn´t exactly the most well-liked guy in the bizarre world of internet geeks and fanboys, I wouldn´t be lying, ok? He´s not exactly on the same level as Uwe Boll, but he´s definitely not popular. This is kind of a shame, if you ask me. But you know me, crazy, mixed up old Thomas who´s always gotta go against the grain, right?

But you see, I actually do like his movies. Well, not the first one, “Night Stalker”. That one was too much and the editing on that one made me feel like I was having a epileptic seizure and a cardiac arrest at the same time. Even though Danny Trejo had a part in it, I just couldn´t get past the editing and that fucking death metal-soundtrack. Sorry about that, Chris, but that´s just how the cookie crumbles. However, I was one of the few living people on this planet that actually did enjoy “Rampage” and “Dirty” so I actually had a small amount of hope when I finally sat down to watch this sucker.

Now, I´m not gonna try and tell you that this movie blew my mind, ok? I´m not even gonna try to tell you that it´s particularly good but in a weird way, I did enjoy it. I´m gonna try to do my best in explaining why but don´t hold it against me if you´re left with a clueless expression, asking yourself what the hell I´m talking about, ok?

The first thing we´ve gotta get straight is the fact that we can´t compare this movie to the original “Donnie Darko”-flick, ok? Like I mentioned earlier, this is a straight-to-DVD-sequel, which means that you can only compare it to other straight-to-DVD-sequels, ok? A movie like this can´t be judged on its own merits like a regular movie. The world of straight-to-DVD-sequels is a shady one, friends. Now, if we do compare this one to other sequels, only then do I think that it holds its own. In the realm of straight-to-DVD-sequels, this is actually a pretty decent effort.

Now, some of you out there might be wondering what the hell this sequel is about. It is after all called “S. Darko: A Donnie Darko Tale” so does that mean that we get to hook up with Jake Gyllenhaal as Donnie once again? True to the format of straight-to-DVD-sequels, Gyllenhaal is nowhere to be seen.

We do however get one returning cast member from the first movie and that is Daveigh Chase, who played Donnie´s little sister, Samantha (that´s right, genius! “S” stands for Samantha). A couple of years have passed since the first one and Samantha is now 19 years old and have together with another girl, Corey (Briana Evigan), left their hometown for L.A. to start over. They find themselves stranded in a small desert town due to some car trouble. This doesn´t bother Corey so much since she starts partying pretty quickly. Good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere and all that crap, right?

So far so good but it´s at this point that everything starts getting weird: a meteorite strikes a windmill, and a crazy-ass burned-out Desert Storm veteran predicts the end of the world in four days. Samantha starts hallucinating while sleepwalking, young men disappear from town, and cars come out of nowhere to cause accidents and so on. Basically, your average Norman Rockwell-small town, right?

When I first heard that they´re were gonna make a sequel centered on the character of Samantha, I was hoping that it was gonna follow her on the road as she was traveling around the states, performing with her dance ensemble Sparkle Motion from the first movie, and then she runs into Patrick Swayze´s self-help-guru/kiddie porn-character from the first movie. Maybe that weird, creepy neighbor mom could be their manager. Unfortunately, that didn´t happen. But you know, I´m not too down about that. I would´ve loved to see the Swayz-dog in there somewhere but maybe that would´ve soiled the genius of his performance in the first one.

Fortunately, the other actors in this one do a pretty good job. I´m not saying that they´re leaping off the screen but at least they´re above average for a straight-to-DVD-sequel and as long as that is the case, I can´t complain too much. But as this one has a much lower budget than the first one, we do not get the privilege of seeing Drew Barrymore or Noah Wyle as High School teachers. Instead we get Elizabeth Berkley (of “Showgirls”-fame) as a fanatic religious chick. But you know what? I never was too fond of Drew Barrymore, anyway. At least Elizabeth Berkley was in “The Real Blonde” and that movie kicks all of Barrymore´s movies asses combined, so I´m not complaining.

One thing that´s pretty weird about this movie is that John Hawkes (from “Deadwood”, “Miami Vice” and “East Bound & Down”) has a part. He plays a motel manager and I can´t for the life of me see why they hired Hawkes. The guy is a great actor and pretty well known but in this one he plays a role that is… well, meaningless! It doesn´t amount to anything and they could´ve probably saved a bunch of money by hiring someone else. I think that if you´re gonna cough up the dough to hire Hawkes, at least write him a part that makes use of the guy´s talent, ok?

I think that Fisher does a pretty good job of keeping the mood and tension going throughout the movie. He does keep it a pretty languid pace so don´t go expecting any “Crank”-style shootouts, ok? But you gotta at least admire Fisher for having the guts to keep this movie as dark and gloomy as he does. He could´ve easily gone another, more accessible route with this movie and I´m pleased that he didn´t.

Now, I´m gonna give away parts of the ending so if you haven´t seen it, turn away, ok? SPOILER!!!-warning coming your way! One of the things that Fisher fails at (besides giving John Hawkes something to do) is the fact that he doesn´t manage to tie together the thing at the end. And that kinda sucks, to be honest. But I guess that he gets away with it because let´s be honest here: we didn´t quite understand what the fuck was going on in part 1, either. But at least he sets it up for another part.

That´s where I come in, Chris Fisher! That would be a golden opportunity for you to use my idea: Samantha returns home, starts up Sparkle Motion, becomes a nationwide success, starts touring the country, all the while those CGI-worm-like things that looks like penises from “The Abyss” follows her. Unfortunately we can´t get Swayze´s character in there since he passed away recently but feel free to use my idea, Chris Fisher! You´re very welcome, thank you very much.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas