Last Blog On The Left

Well, here´s a movie that´s not particularly good but I saw this again the other week and it was a whole lot more fun that I remembered so I thought I´d take some time to enlighten those of you who might´ve not seen it. I remember when this movie was being released and all the hype that surrounded it.

You see, it was written and directed by this guy named Kevin Williamson and for a short while he was Hollywood´s number one favorite wunderkind because he managed to sell his script to “Scream” when he was around 9 years old or something like that. As you all know, “Scream” became a huge success and two sequels were made and that put Williamson in a pretty good spot to negotiate deals with whatever he wanted. So what did he do? He had this script for a movie called “Killing Mrs. Tingle” that he wanted to direct himself, because it was so near and dear to his heart or something like that. Said and done, the movie was greenlit and Williamson got himself a cast consisting of Helen Mirren (which is a pretty damn good deal for your first movie, if you ask me), Katie Holmes (now mostly known as Mrs. Tom Cruise and the high priestess of the Scientology-sect) and Barry Watson (whom some of you might recognize from one of the TV shows I love to hate the most, “Seventh Heaven”).

Now, a lot of things happened during the time that Williamson spent making this film. There were a couple of those school-related shootings in the States so naturally the movie´s title had to be changed to “Teaching Mrs. Tingle” instead of “Killing Mrs. Tingle” because it´s easy to see how someone might be provoked to go out and kill your teacher if there´s a movie playing with that title, right? So good call on that one, movie studio! You probably saved a bunch of teacher´s lives thanks to that stroke of genius. Then Williamson came out of the closet and started being openly gay and I don´t know if that affected his career but considering the fact that he was out in the wilderness for many years, it´s not such a wild guess, I think. The thing I´m driving at is that when this movie was finally released the hype surrounding the movie had all but disappeared. It was released and no one paid any attention and it was dumped on DVD where it has remained ever since with an occasional TV showing every now and then.

Now, I´m not saying that this is a masterpiece or anything like that but I re-watched and it´s definitely cleverer than its reputation lets on and it´s pretty funny, too. It´s definitely not a horror film if that´s what you think but if you, like me, grew up with John Hughes´ high school movies like “Breakfast Club” and “Pretty in Pink”, you might appreciate this one.

The story is pretty basic: Leigh Anne (Holmes) needs to get straight A´s in order to receive her much needed scholarship so she can get out of her dead end hometown but her history teacher, Mrs. Tingle (Mirren) holds a special disliking for her for some reason, so her history project gets a much lower grade than she deserves. Due to a misunderstanding, Mrs. Tingle also thinks that she´s stolen the final exam and to set things right, Leigh Anne and her two friends goes to visit her at home and within moments the situation has escalated and gotten out hand.

There are a couple of things that works to this movie´s advantage and the biggest one is the fact that Mrs. Tingle is played by Helen Mirren and that lady is one hell of an actress! She´s the main attraction in this (and many other films) and Williamson´s, at times, mean spirited lines really rolls off her tongue. Now, the bad thing about having Helen Mirren in your movie is that there´s not a chance in hell that someone like Katie Holmes or Barry Watson is ever gonna measure up. It´s like watching a boxing fight between Mike Tyson and a dwarf, ok? Tyson could just stand there still while holding the dwarf´s head and he would never reach him, ok? That’s the kind of difference in acting quality we´re talking here.

But it´s a joy to watch Mirren portray the sinister and double-crossing Mrs. Tingle, who spends most of the film´s running time bound to the bed posts, spout her lines, at times furious and at times sincere and compassionate, whatever the situation calls for.

So Mirren´s in a league of her own, ok? But Williamson was smart enough to populate the movie with some pretty great actors in the supporting roles. For instance, Michael McKean (whom you might recognize as David St. Hubbins from “This is Spinal Tap” and Christopher Guest´s other mockumentaries) plays Principal Potter and he´s a welcome addition to any film, in my humble opinion. Then we have school´s receptionist, Miss Banks, played by none other than Molly fucking Ringwald from all those John Hughes´ High School movies and like I said, if you grew up with them like I did, this is kind of a big deal. No matter how old she´ll become Molly Ringwald will always make guys of a certain age stand up and take notice. She also gets quite a funny scene where she fills in for Mrs. Tingle on a lesson on literature history.

But then we have the best casting choice of all: Jeffrey Tambor as Coach “Spanky” Wenchell! I don´t know how familiar you are with this guy´s work but he´s definitely one of the funniest actors around. You might recognize him as Hellboy´s boss, Tom Manning, or as George Bluth Sr from the cult TV show “Arrested Development” and if you do, you know how extremely funny this fucker can be! Just look at his work as Hank Kingsley in “The Larry Sanders Show”. Hank Kingsley has to be one of the greatest characters ever created for a television comedy show. Hell, he even rivals George Costanza, if you ask me. Well, he´s got a pretty small role as the Coach who´s having an affair with Mrs. Tingle (therefore the nickname “Spanky”) but he works wonders with it and the scene where he roams around her house humming Madonna´s “Like a Virgin” is funny as hell.

So, what we have here is a movie where its part is actually better than its whole. The supporting actors and the lead save this film, no doubt about that. But it´s still a pretty entertaining flick, if you look at this as a straight up high school comedy. If you go into this awaiting some sort of psychological horror movie just because Kevin Williamson wrote and directed it, you´re shit out of luck. Although it may not be as good as “Election”, which is without a doubt the best high school movie of the last twenty years, I´d say it´s still on par with a movie like “The Faculty”. But maybe that´s not saying that much…

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

There´s no end to the horror! What is it with Hollywood and this fucking Cancer? Last week the Swayz-dog bit the dust and a day or so later, Henry Gibson bit the bullet and it just goes on and on. Today I am saddened to hear that Robert Ginty, star of exploitation classic “The Exterminator”, has succumbed to the big C, as well. If you haven´t heard of “The Exterminator”, I don´t know what kind of childhood you had. For me, it was one of those elusive titles that were banned here in Sweden and I spent what seemed like an eternity hunting it down. This was before the internet, kids.

I´ll admit that this is a movie that doesn´t hold up very well today but it still packs somewhat of a punch thanks to the gore and brutality of some scenes. I think that one of the things that made “The Exterminator” so successful was Robert Ginty´s portrayal of Vietnam veteran John Eastland. He really made him seem like an average joe with his fair share of demons. That´s the genius of Ginty´s performance in this flick: no matter how brutal or cruel he gets, he still seems like a genuinely nice guy. I mean, look at that face! How can you not like that?

But “The Exterminator” isn´t the only childhood favorite of mine that Ginty appeared in. He also played the helicopter pilot at the end of “Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man”. I don´t care what people say about this film, I will defend it until the day that I die. A movie starring Don Johnson and Mickey Rourke, driving motorcycles and robbing shit, can´t be bad! It just can´t! It´s one of the first laws of physics, for chrissakes! Ginty has a pretty cool role in this one, towards the end, so if you haven´t seen it yet, you should pop open a can of beer and watch this sucker to honor Robert Ginty. That´s what I´m gonna do.

Early in his career, Ginty did some roles in Hal Ashby´s movies “Coming Home” and the fantastic “Bound For Glory”, starring David Carradine as Woody Guthrie, so it wasn´t all vigilantes and shit.

Apparently he had a reputation of being a real nice guy in real life, so here´s to you, Robert Ginty! Rest in peace!

Thomas

You know, there are a couple of people in this world that needs to be making a lot more movies than they are currently. Paul Thomas Anderson is one of them. Joe Dante is another. Just like John Carpenter. And then there´s Daniel Waters… Haven´t heard of him? That´s understandable, since he isn´t the most well known filmmaker in this world. He´s first and foremost known as a screenwriter and he´s only directed two movies to date, the most recent being “Sex and Death 101”, which I wanna talk to you about.

Roderick Blank (played by Simon Baker who I´m sure that those of you with bad taste recognize from TV´s “The Mentalist” and those of you with awesome taste will recognize from George Romero´s underrated “Land of the Dead”) is about to get married. A week or so before the wedding he receives an anonymous e-mail with 101 names on it; his girlfriend´s name is the 29th, the first 28 are women Rod has slept with, and the 30th turns out to be the stripper at his bachelor party. The notion that he will have sex with 70 more people sends Rod into a fully fledged crisis. Meanwhile, a femme fatale nicknamed Death Nell is making the headlines by putting sexistic and despicable men into a coma…

There´s the basic setup and while writing this I realized that this sounds like a really shitty movie. It basically sounds like your standard variation on any “American Pie”-type comedy but you see, that´s where you are mistaken. “American Pie” this ain´t! This is much darker than that. Not surprisingly so, considering that writer-director Waters was responsible for the screenplay to one of the greatest American films of all time: “Heathers”! I´m just gonna assume that we live in a world where everyone has seen it and loves it, ok? “Heathers” was a lot of things but one thing it wasn´t is your typical teen movie. It really put the High School genre on its head and basically tore it to shreds. There hasn´t been a movie like it ever since. Many have tried but Waters and director Michael Lehmann really managed to capture lightning in a bottle with that one.

Man, I remember seeing that movie the first time. I couldn´t believe my eyes. I was about eleven years old and my family had one of those TV-channels that only showed movies around the clock. I know what you´re thinking: yes, that was my introduction to porn! Every night when the clock stroke (or “stroked” might be a more appropriate word) twelve, porn invaded the TV-set. Anyhow, in order to be able to tape these magnificent porno movies, you had to get around the all seeing eyes of Mother, right? That´s why I put a VHS tape in the VCR and started taping the movie started at ten o´clock, knowing that my mother would go to bed around eleven so I just told her that “That´s ok, mom, just let the tape run”. Sneaky little creep, right? That´s why you had to get one of those 240 minute-long VHS tapes so in order for me to get my hands on roughly one hour and a half of porn I was forced to tape the entire movie that was aired before the porno movie and sometimes I even got an half hour or so of the movie started after the porno flick. That was what happened when I first came in contact with “Heathers”.

One night, when I had finished watching the porno flick I had taped the night before, I found myself watching the movie that had inadvertently been taped after it. This was “Heathers” and about five minutes into it I realized that this was something I had never seen before. That scene in the cafeteria will forever be ingrained into my conscious, you know when the lead Heather says that famous line of “Fuck me slowly with a chainsaw”? That´s not how teenage girls used to speak in the other high school movies I´d seen. I had an unhealthy obsession with “The Sure Thing”, starring John Cusack, around this time but that couldn´t equal the wonder that was “Heathers”! Christian Slater was the coolest thing I´d ever seen walking in a pair of boots.

So there I was, glued to my TV set when the tape ended! That was the only time I´d cursed myself for taping a porno movie. I quickly realized that I had taped the wrong movie and porn never held quite the same allure to me. I quickly searched out a copy of the movie and I don´t know how many times I´ve seen it since. I still watch it at least once a year and I can´t say the same thing about any of the porno movies I watched from that same point in history.

Anyway, you get the idea? I like this Daniel Waters guy. His sensibilities and taste appeals to me and that´s why I decided to watch this “Sex and Death 101”-flick. Now, there´s one thing you need to know and that is that I am not particularly fond of so called “sex comedies”. I wasn´t too big on “Porky´s”or any of the other 80´s tits´n´ass flicks but this is a whole other beast. This movie is more along the more adult sex comedies of the 70´s, like Hal Ashby´s “Shampoo”. But like I said before, much, much darker…

One thing that I really like about this movie is that even though this is basically a fantasy, Waters keeps it grounded in reality. Roderick´s friends try to give him advice and they argue about what he should do and thanks to this element of the story, it never gets too farfetched. Even though the events that occur in this movie are pretty fantastic, the way that people react and act aren´t.

One thing I haven´t mentioned is that all through the movie Roderick is contacted by a trio of guys who knows what´s happening to Roderick. The conversations that he has with them take place in a white room for most of the time. These guys are also dressed in white and they have the answer to everything. Does this remind you of another movie? That´s right, those fucking “Matrix” movies! If there´s one thing I hate about those movies it´s the scene with that god damn “Architect” or whatever the hell that guy´s name was. You know what I´m talking about: when Keanu Reeves sat there in a chair, looking numb and dumbfounded, and that other guy was trying to explain what was happening. On the other hand that could easily be any one of Reeve´s movies, come to think of it.

Anyway, I hated those scenes but they´re not nearly as pretentious or long winded in Waters´ hands, mostly thanks to the fact that he has cast Patton Oswalt as one of these guys. I don´t know if you´re familiar with him but this is one guy who can´t not be funny! He never fails to make me laugh. I don´t know who that bearded fucker in the “Matrix” movies was but he didn´t even manage to make me crack a smile.

Then there´s another thing that you can´t help but love about this movie: Death Nell is played by Winona Ryder. The last year or two she has been slowly making her way into mainstream moviemaking again but that´s not enough! Isn´t it time that we forget about whatever the hell it was that she shoplifted, people? Give this woman some bigger roles cause let´s face it: she´s a pretty fine actress. When it comes to sympathetic outsiders, there´s no one better at portraying them than Winona Ryder! Let´s bring her back from the wilderness. Besides, she still looks great so it´s a win-win situation. Filmmakers of the world unite! Don´t you realize that there´s a whole generation who grew up, having a crush on Winona Ryder? There´s a market there, people.

I realize that the reason that I like this film so much is the same reason why someone might hate it: it mixes a bunch of genres! That combined with the fact that this is a comedy that has the guts to go to some pretty dark places. I won´t give away too much but let´s just say that in one scene, one of the characters attempts to have sex with a corpse. You won´t see that in “American Pie 8: Sex Camp” or whatever the hell they´re up to now.

I´m not saying that Waters is a genius but I think that this movie shows a lot of promise when he´s given the opportunity to direct his own material. I still think that he needs to be given a beating for contributing to that awful “Hudson Hawk”-movie starring a smirking Bruce Willis (easily one of the most misguided movies ever!) but between this one, “Heathers” and the scripts for “Batman Returns”, “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane” (another childhood favorite) and “Demolition Man”, I think that he´s paid his dues. Give this guy some more money to direct his own scripts. Hell, I´ll even throw in a buck or two, if that´s what it takes.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

When I woke up Monday morning I had no idea this was gonna be such a shitty week. First the Swayz-dog dies and now Henry Gibson. He was 74 and had been struggling with cancer for a year or so.  This wasn´t that unexpected either but no matter what it sucks! Now, who the hell is Henry Gibson, you ask? You may not know the name but I can bet my ass that you recognize that face. Gibson has been around for many years and has had parts in some truly spectacular movies. Some of them are bona fide classics. Ever heard of a little movie called “Blues Brothers”? He was the leader of the Illinois Nazis and let me tell you, I´ve never laughed harder at a bunch of Nazis than in this movie. Thanks to Gibson. Just look at his face when the guy next to him in the falling car looks at him and tells him that he´s always loved him.

Gibson was in a bunch of Robert Altman movies, as well. He was in his fantastic take on Philip Marlowe, “The Long Goodbye”, starring Elliot Gould. He was in “Nashville” too and that, my friends, is one of my all time favorite films. Just check out the songs that Gibson wrote for that movie. The patriotic “We must be doing something right (to last 200 years)” manages to be both hilarious and ironic at the same time, but it´s also a pretty decent tune, musically speaking, as well. The man had talent.

Then we had the movies that he did with Joe Dante. In “Innerspace” he played Martin Short´s boss at the supermarket and in “The ´Burbs” he played the mysterious neighbor, Dr. Klopek, that Tom Hanks suspects is a murderer and this may be Gibson´s best role. Much thanks to the fact that the man had an ability to walk that line between creepy and sympathetic. There was always something slightly off about him and you were never sure if his characters actually means what they´re saying. Just watch him in “Nashville” as the smarmy, smiling country and western-star. You can´t trust that guy for a second.

When it comes to Gibson´s later work, he had a fantastic scene in P.T. Anderson´s “Magnolia” where he played the bar patron who´s flirting with Brad the bartender (the guy with the braces that William Macy´s character has a crush on). Anderson really knew how to use Gibson. In just one single scene we are introduced to Gibson´s character and when it´s over we have an understanding of who this bizarre, slightly creepy, guy is. That´s some good acting on display right there, people!

After “Magnolia” I didn´t see Gibson in much, except for some crappy lawyer TV-series but he had a great scene in “The Wedding Crashers” opposite Vince Vaughn. Gibson played the priest who sits around the kitchen table and gets hammered with Vaughn. I don´t think he has a single line in this scene but his reactions to Vaughn´s philosophic musings are priceless!

So there you have it. First Swayze, now Gibson. My childhood favorites are dropping like flies. Christ, this makes me wonder how I´m gonna cope with life once Clint Eastwood decides to throw in the towel.

Rest in peace, Henry Gibson!

Thomas

You´ve all heard the news and I guess that we can agree on the fact that this sucks! We saw it coming but it´s still heartbreaking. The Swayz-dog is dead! Man, he was a good actor. I´m not being ironic here. I genuinely loved the man´s work. He was one of a kind. If you don´t agree with me, just think about the fact that within two years time, the man managed to star in “Dirty Dancing” which is easily one of the girliest movies of all times and “Road House”, which is one of the manliest ones of all time! How about that? What bugs me is the fact that a lot of people seem to think that I´m joking or being ironic when I proclaim my love for Swayze and that pisses me off, to be frank. He was never able to escape the shadow of “Dirty Dancing” even though he managed to do some great work in movies such “Next of Kin” (which was called “Dirty Fighting” in Sweden, believe it or not), “Uncommon Valor” and “Donnie Darko”.

Oh man, remember his turn in “Donnie Darko”? When he played that self-help guru who had a kiddie porn dungeon in his basement? He was pretty fucking fantastic in that one. “Next of Kin” is another favorite of mine. It´s a gritty, down and dirty revenge tale where Swayze plays a cop who has to hunt down his relative (played by Liam Neeson), who´s on a killing spree.

But you know, the thing I loved most about Patrick Swayze was that no matter what kind of role he played, he always brought a sense of decency to it. The man genuinely seemed like a sweet guy. Admit it, you actually like him in “Donnnie Darko” until the moment it´s revealed that he gets his kicks from watching naked kids. Those kind of actors don´t come around too often.

Hell, one of my favorite performances by Swayze was that “Saturday Night Live” skit he did with Chris Farley, where they both tried out for The Chippendales. I haven´t seen it in a long time but I remember it as hilariously funny, much thanks to Swayze´s ability of creating a fully fledged character in just a couple of minutes and for not going for the cheap laughs and making fun of Farley´s overweight.

I could go on and on about what an amazingly entertaining movie “Road House” and let´s not forget his amazing turn in “Point Break” is but I´m not gonna do that. You owe it to yourself to re-watch them. You´re not gonna regret it. And as you do that and think about the sad fact that the Swayz-dog isn´t gonna be around anymore, you can always seek comfort in that immortal line from that movie, when he looks at Kelly Lynch and says: “Pain don´t hurt”

But you know what, it does hurt sometime. Like today.

Thomas

So your daughter decides to spend the night at a friend´s house and they go to buy some weed from some guy, right? But then they get kidnapped and your daughter ends up being raped and defiled in all sorts of ways. Don´t you hate it when that happens? Well, apparently some people like it or else they wouldn´t have re-made “Last House on the Left”. And judging from the name of this blog, I apparently like it as well! But I gotta admit something to you: “Last House on the Left” is not my favorite film or anything like that. It´s not even my favorite Wes Craven-movie. I would probably have to go with “The Hills Have Eyes” on that one but “Last House on the Left” holds a special place in my heart as one of those movies that you were dying to see when you were a kid. You heard stories about how insanely brutal it was gonna be and you built it up in your mind and when you finally did get to see it, you weren´t let down! The original is a nasty, brutal, harsh fucker of a movie. It still is, although in some places it is incredibly dated. I guess that´s why they decided to remake the fucker.

But you know, didn´t that asshole David DeFalco beat them to the punch with his awful “Chaos” that was released a couple of years ago? I can´t begin to tell you how much I hated that movie. That was truly a horrid piece of filmmaking, disguised under the pretenses that the filmmakers were making …”a cautionary tale for parents everywhere” or whatever the bullshit line they were trying to feed us. That movie was a scene by scene rip off of “Last House on the Left” (which in turn is inspired by Ingmar Bergman´s classic “The Virgin Spring”, which in turn is based on a medieval Swedish folk tale) but that was never acknowledged by that asshole DeFalco.

This remake however is produced by the man himself, Wes Craven, just like he did with “The Hills Have Eyes”. Of all the remakes that have flooded the horror market the last couple of years, the “Hills Have Eyes”-redux is probably my favorite. I thought it was a great update: twisted, violent and slightly perverted. Now, “Last House on the Left” isn´t in that same league quite, but it´s not far from it. It´s a pretty damn good flick!

When it was time to re-mount the hills that apparently were able to see, Craven handed over the reins to French wunderkind Alexandre Aja (“High Tension”, “Mirrors”) and took on a producing role himself. He does the same here but this time it´s a Greek dude named Dennis Illiadis who´s calling the shots. He´s got one other feature to his name, a weird little flick about two teenage prostitutes called “Hardcore” that I can recommend, if you get the chance to see it.

I didn´t have too high expectations before watching this but you know what? I´ll be damned if Craven hasn´t found a formula to making successful remakes! His modus operandi seem to be to snatch up an up-and-coming European director who´s made on or two features that´s generated a lot of buzz on the festival circuit, bases the movie on one of his own, earlier films, shoots it in South Africa or some other country where movie stock is cheap and serves as a producer himself. Voilá and you got yourself a successful remake!

The thing is that for the first hour, I wasn´t too impressed. I felt that the two actresses who plays the two teenage girls were pretty bland and uninteresting and that the gang of depraved criminals weren´t too exciting, either. Garret Dillahunt, who´ve done some pretty good work on HBO´s “Deadwood”, seemed miscast as Krug and about an hour into the movie I was beginning to lose my faith. But like the tagline to the original (“It´s only a movie, it´s only a movie…”) I kept telling myself that there´s no way that this Dillahunt guy is gonna equal David Hess when it comes to menacing charisma so just give it a rest, ok? So that´s what I did and about an hour into the movie my interest started coming to life again. Illiadis and Craven starts toying with our expectations of how it´s gonna play out. We´ve all seen the original and know what´s about to happen and this is what makes this such a successful remake: the first hour play by the rules but the second one puts the whole thing on its ears.

So, despite the lack of David Hess snarling and gnarling his way through the movie, it actually works! Especially Tony Goldwyn and Monica Potter as the parents. It doesn´t seem too far-fetched that they would act this way after having a daughter that´s been used and abused that way.

One thing that doesn´t really work is the ending and if you haven´t seen the movie this is one of those huge SPOILER!!!-alerts, ok? The final scene feels completely out of touch with the rest of the movie and if you´ve seen it, you know what I´m talking about. What the fuck kind of microwave oven was that? Another thing that I find confusing is the fact that when the credits roll, we´re shown the house and the camera moves away from it. Now, correct me if I´m wrong but isn´t that house on the goddamn right side?!? Is this movie called “Last House on the Right”? No, it sure as hell ain´t so what the hell were Craven & co thinking? Didn´t someone notice that in the editing suite? I mean, granted that Illiadis is Greek but he must know the difference between the English words for “left” and “right”? It´s a mystery to me.

Despite this, I really like this movie. Illiadis has really gone out of his way to make the infamous rape scene as disturbing as he can and the scenes of violence are definitely painful but without the “Saw”-like obsession to linger on it for too long. Hell, Illiadis even manages to get some nudity in there, in a non-sexual context, which is pretty impressive.

I´m not saying that this is a perfect film. It has its flaws. For instance, where the hell is “The Road Leads to Nowhere”-song? How can you even attempt to do a remake of this movie and not include that song? That sucked but other than that, this one actually keeps you guessing for longer than the usual reboot-remake-redux-movie does, so three cheers for Craven & Co for delivering this. I wonder which one of Craven´s flicks are gonna be next for the makeover-treatment? I vote for “People Under The Stairs”. I really love the original but it would be interesting to see what another filmmaker would do with that material. Or how about “Shocker”? There was a cool franchise that never got to be, unfortunately.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

I have a confession to make: I wear sideburns and I wear them proudly! Call them “porkchops” or whatever the hell you want, I don´t care! They´re mine and I´m kinda fond of them. I´ve worn them since I was 18. Hell, when I was a kid I even told relatives that when I grow up, I was gonna grow sideburns. Now, if I were to trace the origins of my fascination with sideburns, I´d narrow it down to Elvis Presley and Wolverine. I had a fascination with both when I was a kid. I still do. Some things never change and this is one of those things. Next to Batman, Wolverine has always been my favorite comic book character. I know that it´s kind of fashionable to say that, kinda like all those assholes who keep saying that “Bobba Fett has always been my favorite Star Wars-character!” But guess what: Wolverine has always been my favorite! I guess it´s thanks to Frank Miller and that one story he did when Wolverine was in Japan and fought a bunch of ninjas. After that I was hooked. Imagine that: sideburns and ninjas! It doesn´t get much cooler than that when you´re a kid.

But you know, when it was announced that they were gonna make an “X-Men” movie many moons ago, I thought that it was gonna suck. Who the hell was gonna do Wolverine justice? They would have to find the baddest fucker on the planet or maybe clone a young Clint Eastwood and then shrink him, only then would Wolverine be a believable character. But suddenly there was a rumor that Glenn fucking Danzig had been offered the role and I nearly creamed my pants with joy! Holy shit, he´s born to play that role! They wouldn´t even have to use their special effects magic to shrink the fucker! Unfortunately, he had to turn it down. I actually had the opportunity to ask the man himself about this a couple of years ago and he said that he had to turn it down because of prior engagements to do a world tour but he would´ve loved to play that part. Christ, that would have been too good to be true: Danzig as Wolverine!

But like so many things here in life, that didn´t pan out and the producers decided to cast an Australian guy named Hugh Jackman, whom I´d never heard of. I was less than thrilled. Until I saw the movie on opening day, that is.

Wolverine´s introduction in the first “X-Men” movie is one of the best introductions of any character in any movie! Man, that scene where´s he´s cage fighting in that dive bar makes my skin crawl. Needless to say, Jackman was fantastic in the role and now it´s kind of hard to imagine anyone else in the role. Even Glenn. I know, I know, I shouldn´t say it but it´s true. Jackman is Wolverine!

The one problem I had with the “X-Men” movies was that you don´t get enough of Wolverine going berserk. I mean, who the hell cares about Cyclops´ relationship problems with Jean Grey? I really enjoyed all three movies but as soon as they cut away from Wolverine, my attention span started shrinking and all through them I sat there saying “Christ, why don´t they just give this guy a movie of his own already?”

It seems that the movie gods for once abided and now I´ve finally seen it: “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”! As you might´ve figured out, this is where you get to know how Wolverine became the insanely cool fucker that we know and love today. Apparently it´s supposed to take place some years ago but there´s no way you can tell that judging from the characters´ clothes. They have some pretty high tech weapons but judging from the credits sequence, I thought that the movie was supposed to take place in the late 70´s or early 80´s. A young, CGI-version of Dr. Charles Xavier shows up as well and he´s not in a wheelchair so it has to be some years ago, right? I don´t know where this movie fits into the timeline of Wolverine´s story. I´m confused.

But never mind that cause who gives a shit about a movie like this not being realistic when it comes to its clothes or hairdo´s? I sure as hell don´t so I don´t know why I even brought it up. You don´t pay good money to go and watch a movie starring Wolverine to enjoy the costume design, do you? What you pay your hard earned bucks for is the privilege to see Hugh Jackman letting it rip with those big fucking adamantium claws! And we do get a lot of that here.

I´m just gonna come out and say it: this is the most fun I´ve had watching a movie for a very long time! I know that the reviews have been mixed but I think this movie is infinitely much better than say, “X-Men: The Last Stand”. Maybe not as good as the second “X-Men” flick but it´s definitely much more fun. You know how people go on and on about how amazing “The Dark Knight” and “Watchmen” was (including me)? Yes, they were incredible movies but let´s face it: they weren´t particularly much fun, were they? “The Dark Knight” was one gloomy movie and even though I can appreciate a schizophrenic vigilante with issues of abandonment as much as the next guy, that feeling of “fun” were very much absent from that flick. And that´s exactly why I love this movie: it´s one hell of a lot of fun! You know, about as much fun as you can have with your pants on. I guess I could´ve watched it with no pants on but that wouldn´t have felt right. Not to mention how it would´ve been for my two friends who saw it with me. In hindsight I´m glad I didn´t do that. I think that if you can watch a movie with your pants on, that´s the way to go.

The thing about Wolverine is that he has something that no other comic book character, at least of the ones who´ve been turned into movies, has and that something is pure bad ass-ery! He is without a doubt the baddest of the bad, one lean mean fighting machine and all that crap. No matter how great “The Dark Knight” was, not once did I feel the urge to stand up in the theatre, raise my fist and scream “Hell yeah!” during the movie. Now, just get Wolverine up on that screen, with his chewed-up stomp of a cigar, and that´s what you wanna do, right? He has that built-in persona that no matter what the fucker does, it always comes across as nothing less than awesome. Wolverine has a legacy of being a mean motherfucker that I´m glad to see that the filmmakers take advantage of.

I think I´ve mentioned this before but I have this theory about the more sideburns there are in a movie, the cooler it is. I like to use “3000 Miles To Graceland”, starring Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell, as an example and if you´ve seen that movie you know what I mean. If you´re gonna make a particular brand of action movie, the kind that makes you laugh and holler, the kind that you wanna have a drink or two while watching it, you better have some god damn sideburns in there. I think this kind of action movie should be judged using a sideburn-system: “It was great! Easily four sideburns out of five…”

You get the idea, right? Well, “Wolverine” is easily the most sideburns-worthy movie I´ve seen this year. We not only have Wolverine himself who sports a pair of gigantic pork chops but we have Liev Schreiber as Sabretooth and he´s pretty bad ass, as well. Schreiber, who usually sticks to more dramatic roles, works surprisingly well here. He makes for a great villain and I hope he does more roles of this kind in the future. He should save those sideburns, too. I can guarantee that they´re gonna go well across with the ladies.

But you know, not only do we get Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber squaring off against each other. We also get Danny Huston as Stryker (no, not Jeff Stryker, you freak! What kind of movie would that make this?) and Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool.

This Deadpool character is pretty interesting. First of all, his real name is Wade Deadpool. Wolverine´s name is Logan, which isn´t too weird, but “Deadpool”? I´m curious what kind of reactions this character was met with before he joined this crack team of special ops. Imagine him going to the bank: “Hi, Wade Deadpool here to see Mr. Johnson…”

I bet he got a lot of raised eyebrows. Imagine this guy at a teacher-parent conference. Or waiting to see his doctor, sitting in a waiting room: “Mr. Deadpool? Dr. Andrews will see you now”

Anyway, Ryan Reynolds is great in this role. I really like him. There´s only one problem with this guy: he´s too god damn good looking! Fortunately, he´s got the acting chops to back it up but sometimes it´s hard to take him serious because he´s too pretty. He should take up heroin or something so he got that rugged, strung out-thing going. Well, maybe not heroin but at least copious amounts of whisky.

I thought it was sad that they didn´t decide to make a spin off movie about his and Jessica Biel´s characters from “Blade: Trinity”. Reynolds has thing way of throwing away one liners where it actually feels believable. He works just as well in comedies as in horror- or action movies. There´s a scene in “Wolverine” which is a variation on the classic action movie sequence where all the bad ass soldiers give each other shit, while sitting in a helicopter, waiting to jump out, which is hilarious. Imagine the opening scene from “Predator” but with even more humor and taunting, courtesy of Reynold´s character Deadpool.

Apparently director Gavin Hood had many clashes with the studio during the filming and editing of this movie and that sucks of course but I can´t see what they could´ve been about. Of course I would´ve loved to see some more bloodshed and if this flick had been rated “R”, I wouldn´t have complained but you can´t have everything and in my mind, this is about as much fun as a comic book movie can be. I´ll admit that it´s not “Spider Man 2” but it´s pretty damn close. This is the movie equivalent of having a bunch of beer with your best pals, while listening to The Misfits and Ramones for an entire evening. In other words: fun!

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

As luck would have it, I popped out of my mother´s womb and ended up in a little country called Sweden and let me tell ya, it´s been a harsh ride ever since. Not only do we have one single season per year, which is winter with small bursts of summer mixed into it, but the climate for creating interesting horror movies have been pretty shitty, as well. Until now, that is. In the last couple of years we´ve had the pleasure of experiencing Norway´s “Fritt Vilt I” and “II” (aka “Cold Prey”), “Rovdyr” (which I think is called “Manhunt” in English) and Sweden´s fantastic “Let The Right One In”. All these movies that I just mentioned are pretty great, rich on atmosphere and mood. Some of them even have some great bloodshed as well, particularly “Rovdyr”.

But now those whacky Norwegians have outdone themselves. They´ve unleashed “Död Snö” aka “Dead Snow” upon this unsuspecting world. The first Norwegian Nazi-zombie-splatter-movie! I know what you´re thinking: “That movie has to rock!” That´s exactly what I thought when I saw the trailer. Unfortunately, it doesn´t. In fact, it kind of sucks. It breaks my heart to report this because I really, really wanted to like this movie. I mean, how can you not? It´s got nazi-zombies in it, for crying out loud!

But you know, every once in a while life bitch slaps the shit out of you and I was left sitting in the couch with an empty feeling inside. As a matter of fact, I plunged into a state of contemplation and started questioning my whole existence because this was really a movie that I should love! So why didn´t I? Have I grown so old and stale that I can´t even appreciate a fun splatter movie anymore? Well, I´ll try to explain why I was so dissatisfied with this one.

I should probably give you a hint of the story, right? Here we go. Hold on to your hats because this is gonna be a quick one: A ski vacation takes a turn for the worse for a group of medical students, as they find themselves confronted by the one thing you don´t wanna deal with on your time off: Nazi zombies!

That´s basically all you need to know. It´s that kind of movie. This won´t keep you up at night after watching it, wondering what the hell that shot of the headless zombie´s blood spurting on the snow really symbolized, ok? This is a splatter movie, not a horror movie. That basically means that it´s not aiming to frighten you, although in a couple of scenes at the beginning involving an old guy in a tent the filmmakers actually show some ambition to keep you on your toes. Pretty soon after that they abandon those ambitions like yesterday´s underwear.

The main reason why this one doesn´t work is the actors. They´re pretty bad, to be honest. Once again, we are faced with the cardinal mistake of horror movie filmmaking: when you attempt to make a movie involving a bunch of people in a cabin, try not to portray all of them as assholes, ok? No one enjoys that. Don´t you think that if you actually would have cared for these characters, it would have been a hell of a lot more fun to watch this fucking flick? I think so.

But you see, the director Tommy Wirkola and his screenwriting partner Stig Frode Henriksen thinks that they´ve really pulled a fast one on us. But I don´t think that what they´ve achieved is half as clever as they seem to do. You see, here´s how they do it: in one of the opening scenes, they have the characters discussing a bunch of classic slasher movies, like “Friday the 13^th” and “April Fool´s Day”, just to show us that “Hey! Look at us! We´ve made a splatter movie and we´re referencing all these old classics because we´ve seen them and so have you and we´re all aware of the conventions of the genre, right? That´s why we do this so when we start resorting to the same old stupid tricks that everyone else have been doing for the last thirty years we can just say that ´No, no, we´re poking fun at the genre! Remember how we namedropped all those movies at the beginning?´”

Well, I don´t buy into that. That’s just the trademark of a lazy filmmaker. Naturally, one of the characters is a horror movie buff and this is clearly the one we´re supposed to identify with because, you know, he´s into horror movies and so are we, right? So naturally, he´s an overweight, obnoxious, character that tells everyone when he has to take a shit and other charming things of that sort. But you see, he wears a “Braindead” T-shirt so we gotta love him. At least that´s what Wirkola thinks. Well, I thought that just like every other character in this movie he was hard to sympathize with. You know, come to think of it, the most sympathetic characters in the movie are the nazi-zombies and that´s coming from a guy who´ve never been particularly big on Nazis, ok? But this fat, burping dude is who we´re supposed to identify with and guess what? In one scene he even gets laid with the pretty girl. The fact that it happens on an outdoor-shithouse is kind of unnerving, though. I guess this is Wirkola´s way of saying “Hang on guys, sooner or later it´ll be your turn”. I don´t know about you but I would be pretty worried if a girl came to seduce me while I was sitting on a toilet in my backyard in the middle of cold-as-hell winter. I don´t think I´d wanna get freaky with a girl who´s into that kind of shit (get it? Shit! On a toilet! God, I´m good…).

I think this is all cheap tricks to get the horror movie nerds´ (like myself) sympathies. I mean, how can we badmouth a director that is clearly one of us? I´ll tell you how. If you just sit back and think about the fact that another director did this exact same thing but he beat Wirkola to the punch with about 28 years, it´s not so hard. He did this little film about a bunch of kids spending a weekend in a cabin in the woods, only to be attacked by the sinister forces who roamed the forest. The only difference is that the director´s name that time around was Sam fucking Raimi and the lead was played by Bruce fucking Campbell and that movie was a fricking masterpiece and this one obviously isn´t! Sam Raimi´s a horror nerd as well but the difference is that the guy has the talent to back it up and doesn´t do references to other horror movies just to get the audience on his side, he does it because he has a genuine love for the genre and I just don´t see that in Wirkola´s work here.

Now, I may be wrong but although I haven´t seen it, Wirkola´s previous film was called “Kill Buljo” and is a parody of yes, you guessed it: “Kill Bill”! A Norwegian parody of Tarantino´s masterpiece? Count me out. I am of the opinion that if you have a genuine love for these kind of films, you try to emulate them, not parody them! That just shows a lack of respect, man. That´s what “Dead Snow” is: a parody of older, better horror movies. It doesn´t add anything new to the genre whatsoever and if there´s one thing that bores me when it comes to horror it´s when a filmmaker just retreads old ground and doesn´t even try to break some new one. Ok, I´ll admit that he got the concept of Nazi-zombies in there, but that doesn´t cut it, man! I need more.

So, to round this rant up: “Shaun of the Dead” this ain´t, ok? And if there´s anyone out there who remember Ken Wiederhorn´s old gem, “Shock Waves” starring Peter Cushing, you´re better off watching that one again. Now, there was a nazi-zombie that rocked! That one was fun and if I remember correctly those fuckers were underwater-nazi-zombies, so I guess they win. Just like paper beats rock, underwater-nazi-zombies beats the hell out of regular nazi-zombies. Everybody knows that. That´s science.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Remember a while back when that movie “Frozen River” was released? The one about a single mother who´s unable to pay the bills and therefore resorts to smuggling people across the Canadian border? Maybe you do remember it and maybe you even loved it, like so many of the critics did. Or maybe you felt like I did: it was a perfectly ok movie but with a severe case of “American independent”-itis, which basically means that it´s a bleak, slow paced movie filled with actors with pale faces wearing out of date clothes, shot in grainy DV. That´s why I didn´t love it. It was just too much “independent” for my taste. But you know what, here´s a movie that actually pre-dates “Frozen River” with at least two years and touches on the same subject: human trafficking and it´s set in a cold, harsh climate.

This one´s called “True North”. Like I mentioned, “Frozen River” took place on the snowbound Canadian-American border and “True North” takes place on a Scottish trawler boat. If I had to take my pick, I think I´d rather spend time on the Canadian-American border ´cause let me tell ya, being on that trawler seems like brutal way to make a living. Believe me, I know! I haven´t spend time at sea myself but I come from a long line of fishermen and it is an occupation that takes its toll on men, both physically and mentally speaking.

But that´s why I think that it makes for such a great setting for a movie like this! This is a gritty thriller and if you can name a grittier place than a fucking fishing boat, out in a storm on the coast of Scotland, I´ll buy you a beer the next time I see ya. You have to be a certain kind of man to deal with that harsh weather. Sailors are a weird bunch, in my opinion. I think they gravitate towards that profession because they have this urge to get away from the rest of the world. They´re not comfortable with being home, on land, the way you and I are. They need to get away because they are that certain kind of man. This basically means that fishermen are quite colorful characters. Think about that the next time you meet one of these guys. I mean, they spend their days alone in the company of maybe a couple of other guys, if they´re lucky. It´s not like these guys has to worry about the different codes and rules of society that say, someone who works in an office has to deal with. That shit doesn´t matter to these guys and in most cases it´s becomes brutally apparent when you meet a fisherman. Their quirks and weird habits are given a safe haven out at sea to grow and ferment, without anyone pointing them out to them.

But anyway, what I´m trying to get at it is that this profession breeds interesting and colorful characters and I can´t understand why this haven´t been mined for more effect in movies. Thankfully, “True North” does a good job at this without resorting to showing a bunch of caricatures. Here´s what the movie´s about:

The skipper (Gary Lewis) of the Scottish trawler PD-100 has worked for more than thirty-two years to buy his fishing vessel but is bankrupt and near to lose his ship to the bank. While in the port of Ostend, Belgium, his first mate and son Sean (Martin Compston) accepts a lot of money, unbeknownst to his father, to smuggle Chinese illegal immigrants to Scotland to keep the trawler. The crewman Riley (Peter Mullan) helps him in the scheme, and they hide the group in a store below the boatswain store. However, a Chinese teenager hides in the engine room, stealing food and leaving money in the galley. The cook (Steven Robertson), who´s a bit inexperienced when it comes to women, finds the stowaway (Angel Li) and helps her. Naturally, what was supposed to be an easy way to earn a quick buck pretty soon turns pear shaped…

Here´s the kind of thriller I really enjoy: gritty, contained setting, great actors and a simple set up! What more can you ask for in a movie? Well, nudity of course but honestly, considering what this movie´s about I think that would´ve just left a bad taste in my mouth. Who the hell wants to see a bunch of fishermen strip down? Or immigrants living under deck in subhuman conditions? No thanks.

But you know what, despite the lack of nudity this is one hell of an engrossing movie! From the moment it starts it grabs your attention and doesn´t let go until the end. The main reason for this is because writer-director Steve Hudson has managed to assemble one hell of a cast. Not one of them hits a false note one single time and the best of the bunch is without a doubt Peter Mullan. He´s been a favorite of mine for years. He´s appeared in a bunch of Ken Loach´s kitchen sink dramas but every now and then Mullan ventures into genre filmmaking. Remember “Session 9”? Christ, he was good in that one. You know, come to think of it, “True North” actually comes across like if Ken Loach had decided to make a crime movie. I don´t mean that as a bad thing, quite the opposite. This is a brutal, heart wrenching movie very much in the same way that many of Loach´s films are and it also has something to say about the state of the world and what it´s like to be one of the less fortunate. I´d imagine that Loach would like this film very much.

One of the best things about this movie is that this is very much a movie about basically decent people who are forced to do pretty despicable things, with the intention of doing what´s best for them and those around them. This is a genre unto itself and one of the best movies within that genre is Sam Raimi´s excellent “A Simple Plan”. You know which movies I´m talking about, don´t you? These movies tend to be very well calculated and pretty often do they put the viewer through the emotional wringer and “True North” is no exception. This isn´t the feelgood movie of the year but to Hudson´s credit, he doesn´t wallow in the despair and misery of the situation that he portrays. The end is pretty hopeful, if you can believe that. So good work on that, Steve Hudson!

It´s not that often that I get to watch a Scottish movie but if the quality of this one is anything to judge the Scottish film industry by then I can tell you that we are all missing out on some good shit. Unfortunately, I just imdb:ed Steve Hudson and the only thing he´s directed since this one is a couple of episodes of some TV-series. Well, at least he doesn´t have to go hungry and is able to pay the bills. I guess I´m happy for him. But what the hell, Scotland! Get this man another feature to direct, for chrissakes!

You know, a funny thing about the movie that I guess I should mention to my Swedish readers is that if you do decide to watch this one, notice what an uncanny similarity Steven Robertson, who plays the cook, bears to Swedish writer-journalist Andres Lokko. It´s actually kind of spooky. I guess I could post some pics here to show their similarities but I´m too much of a lazy bastard. You got google, right? Check it out.

So, if you´re in the mood for a thriller with a conscience, I can recommend this one. As if you need any convincing that human trafficking is a bad thing, right? Well, at least I hope you don’t ´cause if you haven´t figured out that for yourselves by now, you should really check your moral compass, ok?

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas