Last Blog On The Left

You know, I´ve rambled here about the mysterious ways of the mysterious Weinstein brothers and how they buy the rights or produce films like “Outlander” and “Midnight Meat Train” and then refuse to show them to anyone and then dump them on DVD without a word. I can´t for the life of me figure out why they do this but they insist on keeping up this insipid behavior. The other day I watched yet another film that has gotten the infamous Weinstein-makeover and this one may be the one that has had to suffer most. I´m talking about “Killshot”, directed by John Madden (who´s previously directed “Shakespeare in Love” and “Captain Corelli´s Mandolin”) and starring Mickey Rourke, Thomas Jane, Diane Lane, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Hal Holbrook. How´s that for a cast, huh? This one was made two or three years back but wasn´t released until last month, straight on DVD! I mean come on! That cast hardly qualifies for a straight-to-DVD-flick, does it?

Anyway, the movie´s based on an Elmore Leonard-novel and I´ve been dying to see it since I first heard about it (back when I was still in puberty) so I´m just glad that it´s finally available for our viewing pleasure and while this may not be a masterpiece, there´s no way you can justify the way they´ve been sitting on this for so long without releasing it. This is no “Out of Sight” or “Jackie Brown” but it´s definitely a solid crime-flick with some really good acting and quirky characters. Here´s what it´s about:

Carmen Colson (Lane) and her ironworker husband Wayne (Jane) are placed in the Federal Witness Protection program after witnessing an extortion scheme go wrong. Thinking they are at last safe, they are targeted by an experienced hit man, Bird (Rourke) and a young upstart killer, Richie Nix (Gordon-Levitt).

This is the kind of stories that no one does better than Elmore Leonard: a simple set-up populated with characters so interesting and realistic that you don´t want the story to end! You wanna keep hearing more from these guys and learn more about their lives. About 10-12 years back there were a string of pretty successful and pretty good Elmore Leonard adaptations, like the ones I mentioned before (“Out of Sight” and “Jackie Brown”) but also “Get Shorty”, which later spawned the less successful sequel “Be Cool”, and “The Big Bounce”. Now, I like all of these, even the ones that were torn to shreds by the critics. There´s just a certain vibe to Leonard´s books and movies that I can´t find anywhere else. The story happens in such a loose way that when you´re reading it you´re sometimes not even aware that the story is progressing. I can´t think of another writer that is able to do that and if you´re really lucky the filmmakers manages to capture some of that magic when they translate the story to film. The one who´s done it best so far is Tarantino with “Jackie Brown” (which was based on the book “Rum Punch”) but I feel that a movie like “The Big Bounce” is severly underrated. It may not be the best film ever made but it´s entertaining as hell with some pretty hilarious turns by Charlie Sheen and Vinnie Jones. I have to say that even though the threat of violence that is always present in Leonard´s novels are completely removed from this film, director George Armitage did a pretty fine job at catching the spirit of Leonard´s loose way of letting the plot unfold infront of you. But it´s in no way the best Leonard-adaptation ever done but fun in its own way. The title of “Best Elmore Leonard-adaptation ever” has to go the banana chin himself, Mr. Quentin Tarantino and “Jackie Brown”!

He managed to cram in so many classic Leonard ingredients in that one, it´s pretty impressive: the criminal who thinks he´s much smarter and cooler than he really is, the sudden outbursts of violence, the conversations about everyday-things, the world weary law enforcer and so on…

A couple of these ingredients show up in “Killshot” as well. For instance, Joseph Gordon-Levitt´s character, Richie Nix, definitely has some issues and thinks he´s much smarter and cooler when he just comes across as a stupid kid who thinks that being a criminal on the run is the coolest thing in the world. He´s kinda like those characters in western movies that´s dying to make a name for themselves by killing a famous gunfighter. Given the fact that Leonard has written more than his fair share of westerns, including “3:10 to Yuma“, this doesn´t come as a surprise. If you think of this movie as a western, it´s easy to see Mickey Rourke´s character, a half breed Indian named Blackbird, as the world weary gunfighter who decides to take the young kid under his wing and show him the ropes.

This brings us to the main reason why this movie works so well: Mickey fucking Rourke! Now, it´s no surprise that this man has talent oozing out of his ass after we saw “The Wrestler” last year, right? Finally, the man is back on top and making roles worthy of his time. The thing is that this movie was done and ready well before “The Wrestler” but thanks to the insane behavior of the Weinsteins it´s only now that we get to enjoy it. Well, better late than never and let me tell ya, Mickey Rourke is pretty damn good in this one! When you read the synopsis for this movie you´re clearly given the idea that the main character is Diane Lane´s Carmen, that she´s the one the movie will be centered around. This is wrong! From the moment the movie starts and the first thing we see is Rourke lying on a bed, contemplating his life, clutching a bottle of whisky, it´s clear that this is his movie!

Let me put it this way: it´s impossible to take your eyes off this man, despite the horrible things he´s done to his face over the years. He has such charisma that you cannot not look at him when he´s on screen! If Mickey Rourke were a superhero, his super power would be that he could shoot rays of charisma mixed with brooding sadness out of every pore of his body! How´s that for a superhero? Maybe that´s who he will play when he´s doing “Iron Man 2” now…

That´s another thing that I love about many of Leonard´s books: the sadness that haunts many of his characters. In “Killshot” Carmen and Wayne´s marriage is on the rocks and they have separated when they get mixed up in this mess and I don´t think that any newly separated couple´s idea of fun is being forced to live together under secret identities, ok? So this poses the question if they will find their way back to each other or if they will just drive each other crazy. Thanks to Lane and Jane´s portrayal of the characters this storyline is pretty devoid of clichés. They pretty much behave the way that most couples would and I guess that this is thanks to director John Madden, who´s a pretty unexpected choice for directing a gritty crime movie based on an Elmore Leonard book. But unfortunately, the way I remember it from the book, there were a lot more tension between Blackbird and Carmen in their scenes and this didn´t come across as well in the film. I guess I´ll blame that on those fucking Weinsteins brothers, as well.

For a guy who´s directed movies like “Shakespeare in Love” and honed his talents on romantic relationship dramas, Madden turns out to be pretty adept at staging shootouts. Especially the one in the convenience store between Gordon-Levitt and Jane! There´s none of that fucking Jason-Bourne-shakycam-until-you-puke-shit going on here and for that I bow my head! This is the way that you should film your shootouts, moviemakers! Madden shows you the set-up and where the characters are before he lets them loose. You always have a clear sense of geography before the shooting begins. He´s smart enough to stage them in pretty confined spaces as well, to keep the confusion to a minimum.

Madden is also smart enough to keep the camera lingering on Rourke. We know from the opening scene that this is a man that doesn´t enjoy violence but he won´t hesitate to resort to it if the situation calls for it. That combined with Rourke´s tired eyes makes the threat of violence seem uncomfortably close all the time. The scenes between him and Gordon-Levitt are pretty tense at times. Since this a man that isn´t very proud of himself, Rourke´s character is constantly drinking to numb his feelings. Now, for those of you out there who have done your fair share of drinking I´m sure you know this but whisky and a sense of regret isn´t the best mixed drink there is, let me tell ya that much! Rourke´s incredibly intense in certain scenes, especially the one near the end when he´s sitting at the dinner table with Lane at one end and Gordon-Levitt at the other.

If this movie does anything it is that it proves that Rourke´s performance in “The Wrestler” wasn´t a fluke. It proves what most of us with half a brain already know: Mickey Rourke is one of the best actors out there and has been so for many years!

I´ve said it before and I´ll probably say it again but this Joseph Gordon-Levitt guy is definitely one of the best actors of his generation! He certainly didn´t let that on when he was cutting his teeth on TV in “3^rd Rock from the Sun” but since then he´s done some pretty amazing roles in feature films. Take for example his turn as a teenage prostitute in Gregg Araki´s “Mysterious Skin”! That fucker should´ve been nominated for an Oscar for that part, if you ask me. That is truly an amazing film and if you haven´t seen it, I order you to do so now, ok? Just do it. He was pretty damn good in “Brick” as well. But the sad thing is that I have to admit that “Killshot” isn´t Gordon-Levitt´s best crime thriller. A while back he did this fantastic film called “The Lookout” where he delivered an amazing performance, as well. So you know, if you´re only gonna see one crime thriller starring that guy from “3^rd Rock from the Sun” this summer, watch “The Lookout”, ok? But you know, I feel that there´s definitely room for more than one crime thriller per summer starring people from now cancelled sitcoms so there´s really no reason for you to not check out this one as well.

There are a lot of small touches to this film that really elevates it above your standard crime flick. For instance, when Gordon-Levitt´s Richie Nix explains how his name is spelled (“Not like Stevie Nicks!”) or how he ends up giving an old lady a backrub while trying to coax some information out of her has Elmore Leonard written all over them and it´s these things that makes “Killshot” such a treat.

So you know, the next time you´re thinking about going to the theatre for a night out with movie and a dinner, rent this and stay home instead! Instead of going to watch “Transformers 2: Revenge of the assholes” or whatever the hell it´s called, just rent this. It´s a solid, slick, gritty crime thriller that doesn´t surprise you in any particular way but it definitely does what it sets out to do in an effective way!

That´s it for me this time! By the way, if there´s anyone out there of you fuckers who´s just now realizing that Mickey Rourke is an actorly god walking among us men, I recommend that you check out “Bullet” from back in 1996. That one is proof that Rourke delivered the goods even when he was ostracized from mainstream Hollywood.

Take scare!

Thomas

I don´t know about you but I´m a sucker for dystopian sci-fi movies. The gloomier the better, I always say. “Blade Runner”? One of my all time favorites. “Mad Max”? A masterpiece. You get the drift. A couple of years back “Children of Men” was released and that was without a doubt one of the best sci-fi movies I´ve seen since surviving puberty and let me tell ya, that was one gloomy piece of film! Not the ideal date movie, ok? A while back I saw another flick that I thought would make for a pretty good double feature with the before mentioned “Children of kids”. It´s called “Blindness” and was directed by Fernando Meirelles.

Now, if you´re not familiar with this guy he´s the one who directed “City of God” and “The Constant Gardener” which was two pretty fucking good movies, at least in my humble opinion, so this guy has already proven that he has the skills and street cred, ok? This is one talented guy so the expectations on “Blindness” were pretty high but when the movie was released it kinda fluttered and died only to be sentenced to a life in the straight-to-DVD-shelves of the few remaining video stores around. The critics seemed to be pretty disappointed because the film is apparently based on a novel by José Saramago (who got the Nobel Prize in literature and you know, everyone loves him and so on and so forth…).

So, what we had here was an acclaimed novel by much lauded author so naturally every critic around the world were getting their handkerchiefs out and ready but when they actually saw the movie they weren´t so excited anymore.

But you know, being the rebel that I am, I´ll proudly be the one guy who stands up and says “I liked it!” I´m not saying that it´s as good as “Children of Men” but if you liked that one (and let´s face it: if you didn´t, you´re a god damn fool!) I think you´re gonna appreciate this one as well. I don´t know why I keep referring to this movie as sci-fi though because when I think about it, I don´t think it´s mentioned in the movie that it´s supposed to take place in the future but I am pretty sure that it does. Maybe it was mentioned in the trailer or something, I don´t know, but this is the kinda sci-fi movie that doesn´t try to make anything look overtly futuristic, ok? This movie takes place in the same world and universe that you and I inhabit so don´t go expecting flying cars or Harrison Ford chasing down and shooting robots in the back…

Now that we´ve gotten that out of the way, here´s what it´s about: Suddenly, in a big city, symptoms of blindness starts occurring and the victims are quarantined by the government in a hospital without any medical care, treatment or hygiene. Among the first people affected by the so called “white blindness” are a Doctor (Mark Ruffalo) and his wife (Julianne Moore) who has not lost her sight but stays with him to help him. After a while, without supervision, a struggle for power breaks out…

You know, typical “Lord of the Flies” stuff, that´s the territory we´re moving into with this one. This is another one of those “the horror of humanity”-movies that shows you how cruel and nasty men can be towards each other, so I don´t recommend you watching this one if you´re sitting at home contemplating the meaninglessness of life while being dumped by your girl/boyfriend, ok? It´s pretty heavy stuff and at times we´re talking flat-out horror. I could explain to you what happens but that would kinda ruin the surprise for you. Besides, you´ve all been forced to read William Golding in high school so you know what I´m talking about here. Basically, people are assholes and will do asshole-y things to each other if it gets them food and sex. So this is not one of those films that you watch and “enjoy”. It´s not very pleasant and when I think about it now I tend to think about what an achievement it actually is, technically and acting-wise and not about what a good time I had when I watched it.

This movie feels very “European”, if you catch my drift. It´s bleak as hell and at one point the female leads decide to shower and this is shown from the waist and up. You know, European-style! Not that I´m complaining. There´s mostly American actors in the movie, though. Pretty good ones, too. This Mark Ruffalo-guy has been ratching up quite the CV these last couple of years. He was pretty damn good in David Fincher´s “Zodiac” among others. Julianne Moore remains intensely watchable in almost everything she does.

On a side note, I remember that Julianne Moore was naked from the waist down in “Short Cuts” and in this one we get to see her from the waist and up. What the hell is up with that? Has Julianne Moore ever done full frontal? Does she have some kind of weird “No full frontal, only partial nudity”-clause written into her contract? If anyone can offer some insight into this I´d be very grateful.

Gael Garcia Bernal is in there as well and as always he does a good job. It was kind of a surprise to see Danny Glover in it. Unfortunately he gets the role of “the wise old, black man who says truthful and thought-provoking things about life in general”. This is the least successful part about the film. Glover´s role feels tacked on and I don´t know what about it is that makes it feel this way.

You know, I started wondering while watching the movie if the dialogue would´ve played out differently if this movie would have had a director with English as his first language. As it is now, Glover´s lines are pretty cliché-filled stuff unfortunately. However, it´s nice to see him again! It´s been a while. What was the last one I saw him in? “Saw”? That´s gotta be it. Hey, ever thought about that? How in the whole wide fuck did Danny Glover end up in the first “Saw”-movie? I´m starting to think that maybe old Danny´s got a gambling problem or something and he was in deep to one of the producers or something like that.

Anyway, the problem with Glover´s role is that it´s pretty meaningless and when you get an actor of Glover´s caliber to play a role like that it only ends up being distracting. When he´s saying these boring lines all you´re thinking is “Hey, that´s Danny Glover speaking!” It takes you out of the picture. The same thing when Sandra Oh had what´s basically a cameo at the beginning! I´m not sure what Meirelles was trying to achieve with this.

But if you´ve seen Meirelles previous films you´re aware of the fact that he´s a director who knows his way around a camera. “City of God” has got to be one of more technically impressive movies of the last 10 years! That´s why “Blindness” has got a style to it that keeps it interesting. He manages to keep the claustrophobia alive and the camera is constantly placed right among the other prisoners, which makes for some pretty unsettling viewing.

However, for the more unpleasant scenes like when the prisoners start bartering with sex for food, Meirelles is smart enough to keep the horrific scenes graphic but brief. He shows just enough for you to get the idea of what´s going on and that´s more than adequate, even for a seasoned, depraved man like myself. These scenes of sexual abuse are some of the more intense I´ve seen in a while.

Films of this sort have one big problem that they have to face and dispense of and that is the fact that is our society really this close to anarchy? How long will it take before a group of people living this way would resort to the kind of behavior they do in “Blindness”? That´s where most movies fail because the deteriation of the human morale and spirit isn´t entirely believable but I thought that Meirelles managed to depict this in a plausible manner. This is much thanks to the fine acting of Gael Garcia Bernal who is the front runner when it comes to taking the law into their own hands and his sidekick, played by Maury Chaykin, who´s an accountant and blind since birth, which gives him the upper hand in this collection of newly affected blind people. This raises some of the more interesting questions in the movie: Is it right for someone who´s been blind his entire life to use the skills and abilities he´s acquired to get ahead in this new world of blindness? Maury Chaykin manages to create the most fascinating character in the movie without that much screen time. It´s a shame that Meirelles didn´t explore this aspect of the film further…

Now, much of the criticism that was directed towards this movie was that it was unrealistic and to be honest, I don´t know what the hell they´re whining about. I hope that any government in the world today wouldn´t treat the “infected” the way they do here but to be honest, after Abu Graib and all the shit that´s been going on in the world lately, it wouldn´t surprise me if this turned out to be the case! It´s not that farfetched if you think about it.

Now, you shouldn´t be going into this movie expecting everything to be spelled out for you, ok? There´s no real explanation for what causes the blindness or why Julianne Moore´s character isn´t affected but that´s beside the point, ok? If you sit through this movie and all you´re thinking about afterwards is why the hell they didn´t explain why everyone went blind, then you´ve missed the point! This is a bleak but beautiful movie about how humans need each other to survive. It may be a harsh ride but it´s worth it in the end, ok?

Trust me on this one and give it a chance. Have I ever let you down before? Nah, didn´t think so and that´s why you need to pull down your curtains and shut out that annoying summer sun and serve up a healthy dose of brutal, bleak sci-fi, ok? Just do it…

Stay ghoul,

Thomas

Sometimes you come across a movie that you just know that you´re gonna like, no matter how crappy it might turn out to be. “Outlander” is one of those movies. It was shown theatrically here in Sweden and its tagline was “Vikings VS Aliens”. Tell me how you cannot get excited by a tagline like that? If that doesn´t get pulse racing just a little bit I´m afraid you are one cold motherfucker, ok? Think about it, what a brilliant concept: Vikings fighting against aliens! Why the hell didn´t anyone think of this sooner? For those of you who frequent this site, you may remember that I have a soft spot for Viking movies. Hey, I´m the guy who defended “The 13^th Warrior” a couple of weeks back, remember that? If not, click here. And how about that “Pathfinder” flick? That´s right, I liked that one, too. Call me insane, call me twisted but I´ll stand my ground. There´s just something about Viking movies that gets my boat floating.

Not surprisingly, when “Outlander” was shown theatrically over here it was pretty much universally panned by critics. I wonder what would happen to a critic if he decided to give a flick like this the highest grade possible? Would he be completely ostracized by the reviewing-community and would be denied entrance to the press showings of new movies? Would he humiliated by other reviewers in public? What the hell kinda destiny would a reviewer like that face? If it turns out that there indeed is some kinda punishment for praising obvious B-movies like this one, then rest assured that this fucker who writes for the Detroit News named Tom Long would meet this horrible fate. Here´s his quote from the DVD cover: “Honestly: Best. Movie. Ever”

How about that? This Tom Long has got a pair of balls on him, right? I wonder if Roger Ebert had a price put on his head after this statement? After some research on the internet it appears that Tom Long is still working at the Detroit News so at least he hasn´t gotten fired because of this quote, so good for him! In Sweden the newspaper who published this would have been forced to make a public apology.

But anyway, back to the movie at hand. Here´s the story: In 709 DC a spacecraft crashes in the Viking kingdom of Herot, Norway, and the pilot Kainan (played Jesus Christ himself, Jim Caviezel. You know him, the one with the passion, ok?) survives. He finds that the predator, Moorwen, that he was transporting, had escaped. While chasing the alien monster, he finds a village completely destroyed and is arrested by the warrior Wulfric (played by Jack Huston of the Huston family who seem to be taking over Hollywood slowly but surely) who believes that he killed the locals. So, Kainan is brought to Herot as a prisoner…

This a pretty entertaining flick. It´s certainly not the “Best. Movie. Ever” like Tom Long makes it out to be but it´s a solid piece of work that mixes different genres in a cool way. I love it when someone meshes two genres this way and director Howard McCain knows his B-movie stuff. After imdb:ing his ass I learned that he cut his teeth directing TV- and straight to DVD movies for the master himself, Roger Corman. McCain knows exactly which buttons to push to keep the story moving. Naturally, our hero Kainan has to prove himself in battle and so forth. You know, the usual shit that happens in these kinds of films but McCain manages to keep it… maybe not “fresh” but at least entertaining. And one of the reasons for this is the cast that he has managed to wrangle up: Jim Caviezel, Sophia Myles, John Hurt, Jack Huston and the mighty, mighty Ron Perlman. Now, let me tell you this: if you are a director about to make a movie and if you are able to get Ron Perlman in your film then you should get Ron Perlman in your movie ´cause it will definitely benefit from it! I´ll tell ya, there´s not many people who can command the screen in a way that that giant fucker does! No matter how crappy a flick may be, it automatically rises a couple of notches if Ron Perlman enters a scene. And if you can get him to sport a face tattoo like he does in “Outlander” it´s all the better! He´s one mean-looking motherfucker!

From what I understand this movie was financed by those fucking Weinstein brothers which naturally meant that it was released straight to DVD without no commercial backing whatsoever, which is a damn shame. It´s pretty clear that “Outlander” had a pretty substantial budget so I can´t for the life of me understand how those Weinstein-assholes reasons when it comes to which movies they wanna release theatrically. This one has all the makings of becoming a cult-film and they should be able to understand that by now. I mean, they´re no spring chickens, right?

Now, I´m sure that you don´t think that it´s gonna be all wine and rose here now, would it? Of course not! Naturally, “Outlander” has its fair share of shortcomings, kinda like you and me. One of these shortcomings is the fact that the monster, Moorwen, is pretty crappy to be honest. I don´t know what the hell they were thinking when they designed it? It´s pretty hard to get a grip of what it looks like. You know, kinda like in “Cloverfield” and Emmerich´s version of “Godzilla”. You can´t quite make out where the eyes are and if that´s a nose over there or what the hell it is and considering the fact that this is basically a monster movie, that´s a pretty major mistake, wouldn´t you say? And guess what, friends? After further research on imdb, it turns out that the Moorwen is indeed designed by one Patrick Tatopolous, the man responsible for the American “Godzilla”. So what the hell was that fucker thinking?

“Hmmm, I sure got a lot of shit for my Godzilla design back when that was released… But I don´t care, I´m gonna recycle that design for this movie! I don´t care what the nerds think, I like it when you can´t make out a monster´s face! That´s what I´ll do!”

I just hope that he´s gotten it out of his system by now and is able to let it go. Maybe time to start seeing a therapist, I don´t know…

However, one thing that I did like about this Moorwen-monster thing is the fact that it´s actually not that much of a monster. It´s given a pretty cool back story that manages to make both it and Jim Caviezel´s character, Jesus Christ, seem pretty sympathetic. Turns out that Moorwen has been hunted and subjected to genocide by us humans. God damn humans, huh? Can´t trust ´em. However, this Jesus Christ dude actually has a conscience and feels pretty bad for what he´s done, which serves us my favorite kinda hero: the one with a dark past! Tormented and tortured by the wrongdoings, Caviezel sure knows how to convey that sadness and brooding. I guess he picked up a thing or two when Mel Gibson whipped the shit out of him during “The Passion of the Christ”, huh?

But thanks to the back story we also get a glimpse of the Moorwen´s home planet and this sequence is pretty cool. You know, thanks to computers and CGI we can see stuff like that right away now. We don´t have to wait for the film to be a success and for it to turn into a franchise for us to get a glimpse of the monster´s home. Remember that we had to wait all the way until “Alien VS. Predator” for us to get a glimpse of those fuckers´ home planets? None of that waiting around business here! I´d like to see more of this planet, though. Maybe a sequel? How about that, brothers Weinstein? Maybe you could put up the money and let McCain make it so that you have another movie you can keep hostage for a couple of years and then dump it on DVD without telling anyone? Doesn´t that sound like fun?

You know, the more I think about this movie I realize that I really, really like it! Screw that, this is a great movie! I mean, when was the last time you say down to watch a Viking-sci-fi-monster-movie? That alone makes this one a must-see! I´m not saying that this is “Lawrence of Arabia”, ok? Although, one of the things that it does have in common with “Lawrence of Arabia” is the fact that it is pretty long and could benefit from being shorted ten or twenty minutes but that´s all minor quibbles, ok? This is a solid, entertaining movie that you need to check out!

I am sure that if you just reach deep within the confines of your battered and bruised soul, you will be able to locate that little kid that you once were. You know, the one who got overly excited with every new monster movie that was being released? You know the one I´m talking about, right? This film is perfect for that kid. That´s why you owe it to yourself to watch this one! You´re gonna have a blast. Trust me on this one.

To illustrate my point, in case I haven´t convinced you yet, I´ll let you know how “Outlander” solves the problem of the leads not speaking the same language. Do you remember when I rambled on about “The 13^th Warrior” a couple of weeks back? And do you remember how Antonio Banderas´ character learns a new language just by listening to people speak during the course of a night? Well, “Outlander” has a more hands-on-approach to this problem. Caviezel´s character has a futuristic device that go into one of his eyes and learns him Norwegian in about 30 seconds or so. This isn´t entirely pleasant so Caviezel throws up and exclaims a growling “Fuck!” You get it? His first words in Norwegian are “Fuck!” How can you not love a movie that has a scene like this? It´s great stuff…

That´s all for me! Stay ghoul!

Thomas

I know that I´m a little late on this one and that everyone else have reviewed the shit out of this movie but being the rebel that I am, I do things in my own time and I figured I´d throw my two cents worth into the mix. That´s why the other night I decided to sit down and watch the 2009 reboot-remake-redux-extreme home makeover-edition of “Friday the 13th”. Not surprisingly, the guys (led by the dreaded Michael Bay) behind this makeover are the same ones who have given us “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, “The Amityville Horror” and “The Hitcher” in the last couple of years. This one even has the same director as “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, Marcus Nispel. That alone meant that I had relatively high expectations for this one ´cause I really, really liked “TTCM”. I gotta admit that I have a soft spot for Leatherface. It´s probably my favorite horror franchise but I really appreciated the fact that Nispel and co didn´t try to water the material down and make it PG 13. It was dark, brutal, twisted and perverse. Kinda like life itself, come to think of it.

Anyhow, Nispel did a great job with re-launching Leatherface into today´s world of horror but unfortunately he doesn´t do that good of a job when it comes to our old friend Jason Vorhees and the main reason for this is because this basically feels like a lesser “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”-knockoff. In “TTCM” they managed to stay true to the character of Leatherface but Jason feels and acts like Leatherface too many times in this one.

For starters, Jason runs… That´s right, he runs! I don´t know about you and your relationship with zombies but I like mine slow-moving, ok? They´re much creepier that way. The fact that Romero´s zombies never run is what makes them so scary: they might not be fast but they´re coming after you, no matter what! That´s what made Jason so scary, too. He´s much more explosive and out-going in this one!

I´m guessing that you´ve already figured out the story: a group of teenagers arrive at their parent´s house, where they´re joined by Clay (Jared Padalecki) who´s searching for his sister, who´s been missing since she went camping at Crystal Lake a couple of months ago.

I have to admit that the opening half hour or so of this film is pretty great. Nispel knows how to get you hooked and shows you some pretty great kills and shit like that, but I´m afraid to say that after this it´s pretty much downhill and one of the reasons for this is the actors.

Now, I watched this fairly recently and I can honestly say that the only actors I remember from this film is Richard Burgi (who plays the local sheriff) and that Jared Padalecki-guy (not because he´s a great actor but because he insists on wearing that weird Charlie´s Angels-hairdo). They´re a pretty bland bunch. In “TTCM” at least Nispel managed to wrangle up Jessica Biel, Eric Balfour and Lauren German (she played the girl who blows off her head at the beginning and don´t try to tell me that you don´t remember that scene!). They might not be the most gifted actors but at least they´re charismatic. I mean, it´s pretty hard to take your eyes off that Biel girl and I know that she got her start on that perverted show “Seventh Heaven” but I forgive her for that ‘cause after all, she was in “Blade: Trinity” and she proved that a cast made up of actors and actresses from bad TV-shows really can work in a horror film like “TTCM”. That´s probably why Nispel has raided TV-shows like “Supernatural”, “Gilmore Girls” and “Living with Fran”. Unfortunately, the result isn´t that good this time around. Like so many horror movies with teenagers in the leads, they´re so annoying that you just want them to die right away! Nispel also make the cardinal mistake: 25 year olds doesn not look like teenagers! Nor will they ever do, unless their names were Michael J. Fox or Anthony Michael Hall, ok? And how many teenage girls have breast implants like the girl in the movie´s opening? This makes me wonder about these girls parents. What the hell kinda parents buy their 17 year old daughters breast implants the size of basketballs? Call me conservative but I think this is wrong. They obviously need some lessons in parenting. I wonder if these girls will be grateful when they do turn 25? Anyway, I´m afraid you fucked that up, Marcus Nispel. You should´ve gotten Jessica Biel again. I like her much better.

But then we have the one actor that truly matters in a “Friday the 13^th”-movie and that is the guy who gets to don that infamous hockey mask and as you´re all familiar with, that guy isn´t Kane Hodder in this one. It´s a guy named Derek Mears and I´m sad to say that I miss the days of Kane Hodder. I´m not sure and I can´t put my finger on what it is that is off with Mears´ performance but Jason doesn´t have the same personality in this one. He´s just not as scary as when Hodder were wearing it. When Hodder was Jason, it felt like Jason but there´s so many things that feels out of character in this one. For instance (SPOILER!) that girl that Padalecki is searching for, his sister, she´s still alive because Jason has kept her prisoner in his underground tunnels. Now, if that doesn´t feels like Leatherface, tell me what does! There´s a scene where Jason is touching her, flaying with his arms and appears to be crying. You know, like Leatherface would do. And what´s this shit with underground tunnels? Jason doesn´t roll like that! You´re not supposed to know where Jason goes when he´s not out killing. I did not appreciate this aspect of the movie.

The one time that Jason truly did feel like the Jason of old days are the scenes in the tool shed. What is it about tool sheds and horror movies? Anyway, this really, really annoying character called Chewie goes out to the tool shed to find some tools. I´m not sure if his real name is Chewbacca. This is never explained in the film but maybe his parents are “Star Wars”-freaks, I don´t know. Hell, I know a guy who named his daughter Leiah. Granted that “Leiah” is not as weird as “Chewbacca”, but still! Anyway, this Chewbacca is the kind of character that every movie of this sort supposedly has to have at least one of: the stoned, drunk, funny guy that´s either black or Asian. In this one they have one Asian and one black. Chewbacca constantly talks to himself so when he enters the tool shed he has this dialogue with himself while he drinks a shot of whisky and when he finds a hockey stick he starts commentating and refereeing his own game. I mean honestly, who the hell invites a guy like this for a weekend at a lake? What the hell kind of company do these assholes keep? Is this the best friends they have managed to scramble up? A guy who can´t shut up and who breaks things wherever he go? And let´s not talk about his best friend: this guy tries to whack off the first chance he is left alone and he tries to do it to a catalogue! And it´s not even an underwear catalogue, no Sir! I don´t know about you but I wouldn´t wanna spend one fucking minute in a cabin by the lake with these assholes.

But the thing I was getting at before I started rambling about how annoying these assholes are was that the scenes in the tool shed are the only ones in the movie where Jason truly feels like Jason. You know, when he shows up behind someone´s back and just stands there staring at them. That´s how I want my Jason served!

There´s another one of my pet peeves in this film, unfortunately. The man responsible for the cinematography is the great Daniel C. Pearl, who photographed the original “TCM” and the remake and he´s one hell of a photographer! The thing I can´t understand is why you wanna hire a skilled professional like Pearl and then force him to make the photo so god damn dark and murky that you have trouble seeing what the hell is going on? Believe me, I appreciate “dark” movies as much as the next freak but I can´t see the point in making it so dark that you don´t know what the hell is going on! I don´t remember feeling that way while watching the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”-redux so what the hell were you thinking here, Nispel?

There´s another really weird thing about this film and this is a major SPOILER, ok? SO avert your eyes if you haven´t seen the fucker yet, ok? Here we go: the final scene! What the hell is Padalecki and that other girl thinking when they´re dumping Jason´s body into the lake. How the hell are they gonna explain about seven or eight dead bodies (including a cop!) when the authorities arrive:

“That´s right, officer! This big, deformed guy with a hockey mask did it. We´re lucky to be alive but we managed to kill him. The body? We dumped that in the lake, Sir. That´s right… What do you mean you´re arresting us? Why, officer?”

To be honest, I don´t think that the cops would buy that version but apparently this punk Padalecki in his fucking Charlie´s Angels-hairdo thinks so. He should´ve stayed in Stars Hollow, working at that fucking convenience store, the stupid fucker.

Now, don´t get me wrong: I don´t hate this movie! I actually thought it was pretty entertaining but I expected a lot more from the guy who re-launched “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. I don´t want you thinking that I am one of those fuckers who keeps whining about remakes, ok? I have absolutely nothing against them and actually enjoy most of them. Hell, I even thought that “The Hitcher” was pretty fun and I am fairly certain that I am one of the few people in the world who´s of that opinion so this is not some sort of stand I´m making based on principles, ok? But I still have faith in you, Marcus Nispel. I liked “Pathfinder” too so I will be looking forward to your next movie and I will be there…

Apparently there´s a sequel in the works and I haven´t given up on this franchise just quite yet! But please, Michael Bay… let someone else direct and force Marcus Nispel to make another “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”-installment and please, please, please… bring back Kane Hodder! No one does Jason quite like him.

That´s all for me. I started my vacation today. Just wanted to rub that in, in case you´re reading this while at work.

Take scare!

Thomas

For those of you out there who did not know this: I live in Sweden! Sweden is not a country where the horror genre is particularly big. In the last 10 years the only horror films worth mentioning are the slightly entertaining “Frostbiten” and Tomas Alfredson´s fantastic “Låt Den Rätte Komma In”. That´s about it. When it comes to movies, Sweden pretty much sucks. Everyone keeps going on and on about Ingmar Bergman but that fucker´s is buried six feet under and now every critic in the country gets a hard on as soon someone mentions directors like Roy Andersson or Ruben Östlund. Personally, I don´t care that much for either of them. Not when you can find a director like or Nicolas Winding Refn in Denmark. He´s a hell of a lot more interesting than Bergman, Andersson and Östlund combined and he´s not afraid to move within different genres. And then we have Norway…

That´s what I wanted to talk to you about today: it seems that there´s a bit of a resurgence in the horror genre going on in our neighboring country of Norway. I don´t know what it is but these Norwegian fuckers have managed to churn out quite a couple of really good horror flicks in the last couple of years. Pål Sletaune´s “Naboer” aka “Next Door” was a fantastic psychological horror film in the vein of Polanski´s “The Tenant” and “Repulsion”; Patrik Syversen´s “Rovdyr” aka “Manhunt” was a balls-out-survival-horror-flick in the vein of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “Deliverance”; the upcoming “Dead Snow” is a zombie-nazi-romp and last but not least, Roar Uthag´s slasher flick “Fritt Vilt” aka “Cold Prey”, which brings us up to date. You see, the other day I saw the sequel to this one. Surprisingly, it´s called… guess what? “Fritt Vilt II” aka “Cold Prey II” for you English speaking fuckers out there. But you see, that´s fine because what this movie lacks in the area of imaginative titles, it makes up for in suspense, gore, great locations and sincerity.

The first “Fritt Vilt” was about a couple of friends who went on a snowboarding trip and ended up in a deserted hotel where a maniac with a pick-ax stalked them and brutally murdered them one by one. How about that concept? Bet you´ve never seen that before, right? Of course you´ve seen this a million fucking times before but you know, I´ve said it before and I´ll say it again and again: it doesn´t matter if it´s an unoriginal story, as long as it´s well done with a love for the genre. And the great thing about “Fritt Vilt” was that the director realized the importance of creating sympathetic characters. How many times have you watched a horror movie where you just wanted the characters to get killed so that the damn thing would be over? That´s usually how the song goes in this wonderful genre of ours. Usually they´re teenagers, too! I don´t know about you but I am so fed up with watching horror movies starring teenagers that I can´t even begin to describe it. It has gotten to the point that I, Thomas Lovecraft, with an undying love for the horror genre, will avoid watching certain movies if it has lead characters that are teenagers.

How did it come to this, you ask? Well, I work with teenagers all day long and let me tell ya: not many of them are particularly smart. I went and watched Dylan Moran perform the other night and he made a big point about how young people are pretty stupid and who the hell am I to argue with Dylan Moran? After working with these kids all day long, every week, month after month I have no particular need of coming home and watch them invade my dear horror films as well, ok? I mean, think about it: do you remember yourself, age 15? Now, do you like that version of yourself? I sure as hell don´t! I didn´t have much of a clue about anything but I sure as hell thought I did. I just walked around and told people to fuck off. I was pretty obnoxious. Now, who the hell wants a movie with a lead character like that? This teenage reign in horror movies has to stop, I´m telling ya! Enough is enough.

But you know, this guy Roar Uthag avoided that awful teenage trap and managed to have lead characters that were in their late 20´s. How the hell did he get away with that? It´s a good thing he didn´t make the movie in the states because if that were the case then you could bet your ass that they would be 15 years old and on fucking spring break or whatever. But since this is good old Scandinavia they had enough faith in us to make them a couple of years older. Thank you for that, country of Norway! It doesn´t matter that you have infinitely much more money and wealth than Sweden and that we once owned you, that´s all water under the bridge now thanks to the fact that the lead characters in this movie is a couple of years older than the average horror flick. I appreciate it. The whole movie benefits from this decision. By making them a bit older you are able to write more interesting dialogue than the usual “Do you think he´s into me, or what?” and this in turn means that they seem more sympathetic, which in turn creates more suspense because of the fact that you genuinely do not want to see these characters get killed.

Now, the sequel is here and for those of you who want to go into this one without knowing too much about it, I´ll say this: It´s definitely a worthy sequel. For you others out there who doesn´t care about that shit and wants to know my insanely insightful opinions about this movie… here we go!

What´s good about this sequel is that it takes a cue from “Halloween II” (which a pretty fucking good sequel, in my humble opinion) in that it mostly takes place within a hospital and in case you didn´t know this, hospitals are pretty fucking freaky and scary. I do not like them. Except for when they are appear in horror movies. Well, not in every case. The recent “Asylum” and “Insanitarium” were pretty shitty. “Pathology”, as well. But leave it to the Norwegians to make a really good hospital-bound horror flick!

The sequel opens with (SPOILER!!!) the only survivor from part I, Jannicke, being picked up by Ole in the wilderness and then transported to the nearest hospital, where Ole´s girlfriend Camilla works. The police are contacted, they find the crack where the corpses form the first one, including the killer, are dumped. The bodies are taken to the hospital for examining. But you know what happens then? All hell breaks loose…

Like I said, not a particularly original story but like part I it´s done in a very competent way and that´s all I ask for. That and a bottle of booze every now and then. Actually, this is one of the better sequels I´ve seen in a long time. One of the reasons is because it picks up right where the first one ended. It feels like a natural continuation of that story and not like some tacked on, forced attempt at doing the same thing one more time around.

Since the only survivor is Jannicke, we get to know new characters in this one and the filmmakers does a great job of making them seem like real characters and not just horror movie stereotypes.

You know, come to think of it this is a surprisingly cliché-free sequel. Director Mats Stenberg uses small tricks that go a long way in creating character. For instance, when one of the police officers is getting ready to go get the bodies, he calls his wife and before he hangs up he asks her to tape a show for him on the VCR. Small things like that are what make this movie so successful! And the fact that Ole and Camilla´s relationship are on the rocks because the fact that she has accepted a job offer in Oslo before discussing it with him, but no one behaves like a childish asshole, the way that people usually do in horror movies. The characters seem like actual adults! In a horror movie! Chew on that one for a while.

Another thing that´s pretty good is the fact that they don´t try to just repeat part I. This one doesn´t have the scope or magnificent locations of the first one but like I mentioned, it´s more confined in its setting and it works just as well. What the first one benefitted from in its glorious cinematography, this one makes up for in claustrophobia.

But the main thing that this sequel is so good is thanks to Ingrid Bolsö Borndal, who portrays Jannicke. She´s one of the few believable horror heroines I´ve seen in quite a while. At the end, when she realizes that she has to go up against the mad fucker, even if it means that she might die, is pretty great. She really sells that decision just by the look in her eyes. You never doubt that this girl has been through hell and back. If there´s any justice in the world (or at least in Scandinavia) this girl oughtta get a lot more roles in the future.

Then we have the villain, the most important thing in a slasher film, right? I mean, think about it: what the hell would “Halloween” be without Michael Myers? “Friday the 13^th” without Jason Voorhees? So what do we get here: Geir Olav Brath! Doesn´t have the same ring as the names I mentioned earlier, does it? But that doesn´t matter ´cause he gets a great outfit and he´s big as hell! I´m talking Michael-Myers-from-Rob-Zombie´s-“Halloween”-big! This fucker is huge and that´s always a good thing when it comes to horror movie villains. I know that I´ve rambled about this here earlier but I can´t stress this hard enough: who the hell is afraid of some fucker who´s not tall enough to reach your elbow? A villain has to be physically imposing.

But I´m pretty impressed with the villain here. He definitely lives up to international standards: he´s big, he doesn´t speak, wears goggles, old weird pelts and kills people with a pick-axe. He kinda reminded me of the villain in the old “My Bloody Valentine” (haven´t seen the new one), which was a great one too. You never get to see his face either, which is always a cool thing. He´s got that iconic thing going on and I definitely hope that they make a third one in this series. But knowing how these thing go, I guess it won´t be too long before some American producer decides to remake the whole thing.

I hope that this wave of Norwegian horror movies doesn´t die out any time soon. There´s another one called “Skjult” (which means “The Shed”) coming up, starring Kristoffer Joner from “Naboer” and judging by the way the trailer look, it seems pretty good. Keep ´em coming! You hear me over there? I want more! Hell, you Norwegians got all that money from your oil funds and here´s an excellent opportunity to spend some of ´em: on horror flicks! You´ve done alright so far so why stop now? I demand more. You hear me, country of Norway?

Well, that´s about it for me this time. Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

In the last couple of weeks I´ve gotten some requests from a couple of readers (which means someone is reading and enjoying the shit I put on this page) about writing about certain movies and as you´ve might have noticed, I try to do everything in my power to be of service. That´s why we´re gonna talk about “The Day After Tomorrow” today. So this one´s for you, Hasse! Enjoy and don´t worry, Andy, I am gonna come around to “The Postman”. I promise… Anyway, one thing I find fascinating is that when certain European filmmakers leave their countries to go west and find the fame and fortune in Hollywood, they seem to abandon every last drop of the sensibility that made their previous films so successful. I mean, think about it: Wolfgang Petersen did “Das Boot” which is a fantastic, brilliant and very much so European film, right? That fucker managed to direct “Air Force One”, one of the most ultra-American movies ever made. And what about John Woo (yeah, yeah, I know he´s not European so pipe down), the director of such masterpieces as “A Bullet in the Head” and “Hard Boiled”! He got to make “Paycheck”! This brings us to the director whose film I wanted to discuss with you today: Roland Emmerich! To be honest, I haven´t seen any of the films he made in Germany but I´ve heard pretty bad things about them. The point I wanna make is that he´s European, right? So he oughtta have a European perspective on things, wouldn´t he? So how the hell can it be that this guy directs and writes “Independence Day”, one of the worst films from the last twenty years? Christ, just the thought of Will Smith punching that alien in the face and saying “Welcome to earth” makes me wanna hurt someone. Preferably Will fucking Smith.

God, I hate that film! I first saw it when it was released theatrically and people actually cheered when that scene came on! I couldn´t believe my eyes. I was 17 years old and at the height of my “love it or hate it”-period and I wanted to stand up and leave the theatre but my friends were too cheap. I´ve tried to watch the film since but I can´t get past that scene. I turned it off when I got to that point in the film and that was just 2 years ago. It´s a shitty, shitty film. And don´t get me started on that fucking speech that Bill Pullman does at the end of the film, ok? And the fact that they hi-jack the aliens spaceship with a goddamn laptop? I mean, what the fuck!?! Christ, I gotta calm down…

I worked myself into a state there. Sorry about that. But the thing is that Emmerich oughtta know better. Why the hell does he want to make these kind of films when he´s European? Shouldn´t he, considering that he´s from Europe, have an outsider´s perspective on things and be able to see through the bullshit about the “land of hope and dreams” and all that? Apparently not! I don´t know what kind of upbringing he had but he is from Germany after all and maybe they don´t have the best idea about democracy, either. I seem to remember a small event called World War II…

And what about that “The Patriot”-movie he did with Mel Gibson? Where Gibson had all these slaves but they weren´t really his slaves, they were more like employees and friends! I mean, what the H-E-L-L?

But you know, this isn´t gonna be me ranting about politics ´cause who the hell wants that? I can enjoy certain Emmerich-movies as much as the next guy. Hell, I even prefer “Godzilla” over the two I just mentioned. It might be insanely stupid (Godzilla hides on Manhattan, for chrissakes!) but at least there´s no fucked up politics in that one and a lot of shit is destroyed and I like that. It rains a lot, too and I like that, as well. But you know, every now and then, the fucker gets it right and one of those times is “The Day After Tomorrow”.

This is a disaster movie and I´m not talking about “Oh my god, we´re all out of milk just when I was about to have my cereal, what a disaster!” No sir, no that kinda disaster. I´m talking about the whole world going straight to hell! This is probably one of the greatest concepts ever for a movie of this type. Here´s what it´s about: Global warming causes worldwide disasters and basically leads to a new ice age. Climatologist Jack Hall (Dennis Quaid) tries to rescue his son Sam (Donnie Darko aka Jake Gyllenhaal) who is stuck in New York. The New York Public library, to be exact. Jack has to travel from Washington D.C. to New York to save his life. And you know, when I say “travel” it´s not like he´s gonna catch the next flight or bus or anything like that. We´re talking old school here: snowmobiles and walking so you know, he´s in for a pretty rough ride…

What´s so great about this concept is that unlike many other disaster movies, this one has a truly relevant disaster looming over our heroes. In this day and age the concept doesn´t feel that far-fetched, to be honest. I bet that this is another of those movies that Al Gore loves the shit out of (like I thought that “Waterworld” was, a couple of weeks back). Emmerich presents a disaster so powerful that it´s not even a possibility for our heroes to try and stop it, it´s happening right now, so instead he focuses on the heroes´ struggle for re-uniting and surviving and I think that´s a smart way to go. That way, he manages to avoid the usual clichés. You know how the trailers usually goes for these kinds of movies: “One man… against the forces of nature… struggling to save his family… and the world… in a land before time… where one cop could make a difference…”

Sorry, got carried away there. But you know how the story goes, right? It´s not up to Dennis Quaid or Donnie Darko for that matter, to save the world so thanks to that alone, this movie is a hell of a lot better than that fucking “Independence Day”. It´s not that bombastic and there´s no damn Bill Pullman-speeches so thank you very much for that, Mr. Emmerich! Like I said, instead he focuses on Quaid trying to save his son and the blossoming love story between Donnie Darko and this girl played by Emmy Rossum. This love story is surprisingly well handled and subtle. You wouldn´t imagine that from the guy who shot the “Today we celebrate Independence Day!”- scene. There´s no “I love you, Donnie Darko! I´ve loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you!”- outbursts of glorious emotions which is a very good thing, in my opinion.

If there´s one thing that Emmerich is good at, it´s the kinda scenes that every disaster movie has to have a couple of: the build-up scenes! You know what I´m talking about: the scenes where we get to see different people doing different things in different cities, who start to notice that something is out of the ordinary. For instance, one guy could be reading the paper and suddenly he hears a noise so he pulls up the curtains and notices it´s raining big chunks of ice from the sky. That kinda thing! Emmerich´s gotta be the master of these kinds of scenes. This movie´s first half hour has some pretty great ones. The thing is that usually in disaster movies, the buildup is always the best part but in this one Emmerich actually manages to keep the momentum going after they´re over and we´re well into full blown disaster territory. Do you remember that scene in “Independence Day” when they blew up the White House? Of course you do, the fucking thing was on the poster! Hey, side note: isn´t that weird that when that movie was released people were all excited and shit about seeing the President´s house blown to smithereens? Imagine how people would react now, after 9-11 and Bin Laden? It´s funny how things can change in a couple of years, huh? For instance, I used to have a life once. Imagine that.

Anyway, that scene was one of the money shots in that movie: Emmerich taking a landmark that everybody knows and blowing it up! He kinda does the same thing in this one with New York. He doesn´t blow it up but he uses the Statue of Liberty and Empire State Building in some pretty cool ways. At one point there´s a Russian tanker floating down fifth avenue and I gotta say, even though this movie is 5 years old now it has some pretty cool CGI-effects. I know that I´ve been whining about CGI here earlier but this is the kind of movie that could not be done without it.

But you know, don´t think that I´m gonna sit here and just sing Emmerich´s praises, oh no! I still have my beef with this fucker and I´m gonna tell you what it is. I´ve noticed a pattern in his movies that worries me, to say the least. Hear me out on this one, ok?

Let´s just say that I´m very uncertain where Emmerich stands politically, ok? He can be quite schizophrenic as a filmmaker. In “Independence Day”, the president was one of the heroes but in “The Day After Tomorrow” the president is obviously modeled after George W and is unable to make a decision on his own and generally doesn´t seem to know what he´s doing, ok? So that´s all good but then we have the worrying tendency that Emmerich, in his movies, from time to time indulges in certain racial stereotypes.

Take “Godzilla” for example: Jean Reno´s character (who is French, of course) seem to be more worried about him having the right kind of coffee than Godzilla laying New York to waste. You know, that´s how those Frenchies are. Decadent fuckers! At the beginning of “The Day after Tomorrow” there´s a cleaning guy who happens to be Latino. Naturally he sports a gold tooth and listens to Mariachi music on his headset. Then we have the movie Emmerich made after this one, “10, 000 B.C.” where our hero is the only one in the whole movie with blue eyes and close-to-blond hair. The one with the blue eyes is naturally the one who has tell the dark skinned fools what they have to do all the time, no matter how obvious things are:

“We can´t stay here, the mammoths will eat us!”

“Huh?”

“RUN!”

“Huh?”

That´s basically how some of the dialogue goes in “10,000 B.C.”! I´ve already mentioned the worrying fact that Mel Gibson´s character in “The Patriot” is a southerner who keeps slaves but they´re not really his slaves and all that shit and if you put all this together, along with the fact that Emmerich is German (and yes, I myself have some preconceived notions about Germans), I gotta wonder what kind of political views does this man possess?

I don´t think I´m reading too much into this. Hell, at one point in “The Patriot” Gibson comes across a small village which functions as a safe haven for black people! Hmm, maybe black people didn´t have it that rough during the civil war, after all. Is that what you´re trying to tell us, Mr. Emmerich?

Also, there´s a scene in “The Day After Tomorrow” where Donnie Darko & co need to start a fire in the New York Public Library to keep warm and what do you think they use to fuel the fire? Book, of course! Hmmm, the burning of books… Nazi-Germany, anyone?

But you know, I´m willing to let this go for now because in “The Day After Tomorrow”, he basically says that George W. Bush is an idiot. This isn´t the Jon Stewart show, for chrissakes! I´m not gonna whine about a filmmaker´s political views, even if he is German.

So, even though we are dealing with a disaster movie by Roland Emmerich, the result in this case is far from disastrous. It´s pretty damn entertaining in a way that only big budget movies like this one can be. Emmerich does a pretty good job at intercutting between the many characters. There´s always a lot of characters in these films. The only disaster movie that breaks this rule (that I can think of anyway) is “Cloverfield”. Fortunately, Emmerich has chosen to populate his film with some pretty good actors. Ian Holm aka Bilbo Baggins is in it. The scenes between Dennis Quaid and Bilbo Baggins are especially good. I wish he had a bigger role. He´s the kind of actor that can make you believe anything so when he tells you that the world is going to hell in a hand basket you have no choice but to believe him. The scene where he tells Quaid to “Save as many as you can!” over the phone is one of the best ones in the film. However, the computer animated wolves that show up when Donnie Darko is onboard that Russian tanker are not that great actors. In my opinion, they should´ve been replaced with someone who´s not quite as computer animated. I think those scenes would benefit from that enormously.

So, Emmerich proved with this one that he can make maybe not a great film but at least one that doesn´t make you wanna cause him harm and I really, really hope that his upcoming “2012” falls into this category. The trailer that´s been released is great and John Cusack is in it so I´m crossing my fingers.

So if you ever find yourself in a state of hung over-itis, this film is a pretty good choice if you haven´t seen it. I recommend it so you should check it out ´cause as you know, my word is law around these parts of town.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

So, I don´t know if you´re familiar with this guy J.T.Petty. A couple of years back he directed a movie called “Soft for Digging” which was pretty original. It didn´t have any dialogue in it if I remember correctly but he managed to make it work. After that he directed “Mimic: Sentinel”, which is part 3 in that franchise. That one was pretty entertaining for being a straight-to-DVD-sequel (a part three nonetheless!) but it was nothing extraordinary about it. That constituted my contact with the work of J.T. Petty up until now. I thought that he was a competent director working in the low budget section of horror filmmaking and I figured that “Sure, he´ll probably make some cool movies over the years but I won´t hold my breath on him creating a masterpiece…” Well, it don´t happen very often but as it turns out, I was wrong!

You see, his latest film “The Burrowers” has been released on DVD and this is one of the best horror films I´ve seen in a pretty long time! I knew that it was going to be good, I had read the reviews, but I didn´t expect it to be this good! Petty manages to combine two of my favorite genres in this one: the horror film and the western and he does a spectacular fucking job at it!

Here´s the lowdown: A band of courageous men sets out to find and recover a family of settlers that has mysteriously vanished from their home. Expecting the offenders to be a band of fierce natives, the group prepares for a routine battle. But they soon discover that the real enemy isn´t the Indians. It´s something else entirely…

You know, I´m gonna go ahead now and tell you what the enemy is so if you don’t wanna know this information before watching the movie you should probably avert your eyes right about now and go about doing the dishes or whatever it is you have to do instead of sitting in front of your computer all day long, ok? The real enemy is of course the Burrowers! Now, this is not a tribe of Indians as the lead characters thinks at first. This is creepy creature that lives underground and burrows their way through the ground. They inject humans with a poison that paralyzes them and then feeds on them.

You know, a couple of years back I watched another straight-to-DVD-horror-western called “Tremors 4: The Legend Begins” but that was a pretty shitty film. It was boring and by the time it was released, the filmmakers had managed to rob the series of the charm and suspense it initially had. “Tremors 4” went wrong in a lot of ways and what that movie did wrong, “The Burrowers” does right!

For starters, Petty is a smart enough filmmaker to know that a horror film does not poke fun at itself. Sure, “The Burrowers” has its fair share of laughs but it´s all character-based and it doesn´t make fun at the genre or itself. And even though this is a low budget affair, it doesn´t say anywhere that you have to have “low budget” actors, right? That´s why we get excellent performance from such fine actors as Clancy Brown, Doug Hutchinson, Karl Geary and Sean Patrick Thomas!

The thing that really sets this apart from a crappy film like “Tremors 4” that also tried to merge these two genres is the facts that if you go into this looking for either a western film or a horror film, not once do you feel cheated. This is a perfect marriage between the two genres! Sure, there have been attempts before but this is by far the best one yet! The anthology film “Into the Badlands” starring Bruce Dern had its good moments, “The Grey Knight” had some great atmosphere and Clint Eastwood´s “High Plains Drifter” had a dose of horror sprinkled on it but this is serious, fine, old school, all-out creature feature I´m talking about here!

The movie starts out as John Ford´s classic “The Searchers” with Karl Geary´s character Fergus Coffey discovering that his sweetheart Maryanne has been kidnapped by what they think is Indians. His employer, William Parcher (played by Tom Cruise´s cousin William Mapother who was pretty fucking freaky in the first season of “Lost” where he played Ethan), decides to help him and brings along his stepson to make a man out of him. On the way they meet up with a band of soldiers lead by Henry Victor (who, just by looking at him can tell he´s going to be an asshole, because he´s played by Doug Hutchinson, who is one of the best asshole-portraying actors around today) and civilian John Clay (the mighty, mighty Clancy Brown). Pretty soon the civilians understand that the soldiers doesn´t have a clue, so they decide to leave them.

Now, up until this point it´s basically a straight-up western. Sure, we get small hints of what´s to come thanks to a couple of close-ups of holes in the ground and stuff like that. The horrific things that occur in the film up until this point is “human horror”. You know, the horrible things that humans do to each other. For instance, there´s a pretty strong scene where Henry Victor decides to torture an Indian for information.

But when our heroes decides to leave the soldiers that´s when things start to get really hairy. And when I say “hairy”, I´m not talking about Clancy Brown´s beard, ok? I´m talking about being outdoors at night on the wide open spaces of the prairie and knowing that something´s waiting out there in the dark and it wants to frickin´ consume you, ok? That kind of “hairy”!

And what really sells these creatures is the acting in this film! There´s some serious fine acting going on in this flick and Petty, who also co-wrote the script, has managed to give them some realistic dialogue to work with. I was kinda reminded of “Deadwood” at times.

Now, you should go into this film expecting some sort of a monster-extravaganza, ok? This is a pretty subtle horror film. One thing that Petty manages to throw into the mix is something I really love when it´s done right and that is a message of politics. I absolutely love it when a filmmaker manages to create what at first seem to be a low budget genre movie but with a strong message of politics. Now, I´m not talking “They Live” here, it´s not that great, but Petty do manage to infuse the film with a message of racial morality and it´s not too obvious, either, which I am very grateful. He doesn´t beat our heads with it but it´s there for anyone who´s willing to read that into the movie.

You know, I think it´s a freaking shame that a film like this wasn´t released theatrically! It looks amazing and at no point is its low budget origins too obvious for the viewer. I would´ve absolutely loved to see this one on a big screen.

Another thing I absolutely love about the film is the fact that Petty hasn´t chosen the western setting just for a gimmick, it is absolutely essential to the film. Petty has realized that a monster movie is much more effective if it´s set in the past. That´s how I feel, anyway. I find it hard to buy into monster movies that are set in the present because it´s hard to believe that anything we don´t know of can exist in this day and age. I mean, there´s cameras everywhere and we´re being monitored constantly so how the hell is anything out of the ordinary supposed to be able to roam our streets. Do you understand what I´m getting at? A hundred years ago there were still a lot of uncharted territories in the world and it´s easier to buy into a mythological creature existing in that setting. Hell, can you imagine those wide open spaces of Dakota where “The Burrowers” is set? It´s not like you could pick up a cell phone and call someone for help in those days. That´s what´s so great about this film: Petty manages to capture that feeling of humans being alone in Mother Nature´s hands with no one to turn to except themselves.

Petty also manages to keep the tension alive by letting us know that these creatures are out there at all times, even though they may be out of sight. In that way, the movie kinda reminded me of “The Thing” and if you ever find yourself watching a movie and being reminded of “The Thing”, that´s probably a pretty good indicator that the movie you´re watching is pretty fucking good!

I wanna raise my hat to Petty (to be honest I don´t wear a hat because I look like a damn fool in a hat but if I was forced to wear a hat I think I´d wear one like that guy on the cover of the Monopoly game. That´s the kinda hat I would be raising now!) for keeping the effects practical, as well. When we do get a glimpse of the creatures they are gloriously devoid of CGI! Sure, there are CGI effects in the movie but Petty uses them pretty well. Hell, there´s a thing I´ve never ever seen before: when someone shoots a horse, the blood sprays from its neck. You never saw that in John Wayne´s movies…

I hope this movie sells a million copies so Petty gets to make a sequel. I smell a franchise coming on. Hey, according to one of the Indian characters the Burrowers appear every third generation and if that isn´t a great set-up for a franchise, tell me what is.

Listen, if you love westerns it´s pretty hard to come by a decent one these days, right? Sure, we got “Appaloosa” and “The Assassination of Jesse James by his friend and colleague who also turned out to be a coward and who shot the fucker in the back and who was called Robert Ford” but they´re not exactly a dime a dozen, right? But what we have here, like I mentioned earlier, is a movie that works perfectly as both a western and a horror film! It´s moments like this that we should be cherishing. Petty has proven to us that these two genres are perfect for each other! There´s no excuse anymore: he´s proven that it can be done so let´s start seeing more of these types of films in the future. Ok, Hollywood? You got that? Especially you fuckers who are right in the middle of making “Jonah Hex” right now! There´s no excuse!

So, my friend, you´d be a damn fool not to catch this one. Petty has managed to churn out a magnificently photographed horror-western that manages to be original, solid, scary and filled with great acting and a slight political message on the side! What the hell more do you want from a horror movie? Oh yeah, nudity… Sorry about that. There´s none of that in this one, ok? But I think you´ll enjoy it anyway, you big perv.

Until next time: stay ghoul!

Thomas

Folks, I gotta tell ya… I have a thing about Kurt Russell. I have a man-crush the size of a small country on him. I admit it! There´s just something effortlessly cool and easy-going about him that you just can´t fake! That´s not a quality that you can act- either you have it or you don´t. And Kurt Russell has got it… in spades! But the thing is that his movies always get a bad rap, which I find interesting. I find this interesting because I am then forced to evaluate myself and my own tastes. Which can sometimes lead to valuable insights about myself as you will soon be made aware of, if you continue reading. I´m not gonna lie to you, you´re in for something absolutely mind-blowing. Forget all about those new age self-improvement books like “The Ninth Insight” or whatever the hell they´re called. This column here is all you need for a successful life. Are you ready for some Kurt Russell-wisdom? Ok, here we go:

One of Russell´s movies, “3000 Miles to Graceland”, was recently shown on TV here in Sweden and it was reviewed in one of our largest morning papers. This reviewer must´ve seen something in this film that I managed to miss because he seemed really provoked by it! He found it offensive and laughable. That´s when I started thinking “What the hell? Did we see the same film? Am I retarded? I liked “3000 Miles to Graceland”! What the hell´s wrong with me?”

This train of thought went on for about two more seconds before it crashed and I concluded that it´s this reviewer who´s retarded. That´s basically how my inner reasoning goes: “Is there something wrong with me? No, there´s something wrong with him!” Because you know what? It´s a pretty fucking entertaining movie! It stars Kurt Russell and Kevin Costner as two criminals who stages a heist during a Elvis-look-a-like-contest in Vegas, which means we get to have Costner and Russell sporting pompadours during an entire film and that´s pretty sweet, baby!

I have this theory about how big the sideburns are in a film, the cooler the movie is. Sort of a “Sideburn-scale” of grading a film, if you will. I know that it would save me a lot of time. If someone asks you if a movie was any good, you just reply “Well, I´ll give four sideburns…” This scale of facial hair would go as high up as five, naturally, and you can only use this on the kind of dumb action films that you don´t really think are that good in real life but you enjoy them anyway; the kind of action movies that have male heroes that drinks a lot, have long hair and a beard and says cool one-liners, huh? That´s when you could apply this Sideburn-scale. That´s the kind of movie that “3000 Miles to Graceland” is! It would definitely get a 4 on the Sideburn-scale. They do have pretty big sideburns, after all. Hell, imagine what “Wolverine” would get! He guzzles beer, says cool things all the time and is basically a pair of sideburns with shoes! Oh man, I can´t wait to see that one…

But anyway, that´s not the Kurt Russell-movie I wanted to talk to you about today. The one I am thinking of is the science-fiction-western “Soldier” which was absolutely bashed by every single person on this godforsaken planet when it was released. How could that be, you wonder? I´ll tell you why, because it was directed by this fella named Paul W.S. Anderson and whatever this poor guy decides to do, everyone hates it!

I don´t know if you´ve heard about this new invention called the internet but apparently it´s catching on here and there and it has pages on it where kids discuss movies and things, ok? The nerd mafia that rules the internet hates Paul W.S. Anderson´s guts, ok? I know because I have visited these nerd-sites, using a fake moustache, glasses and an undercover name. They hate, hate, hate him! No, strike that: they loathe him! But the strange thing is that his movies keep raking in the dough. Isn´t that weird? I wonder who the hell goes to see his films when no one can´t say a good thing about anything he´s done?

Well, that´s why I am here: to offer a comforting voice in the jungle of nerd-hating internet sites. Don´t worry, Paul W.S. Anderson, I like your films! Especially “Soldier”, ok? How about that, you nerds? Did I just hear the sound of someone´s embolism pop through their heads because of their furious anger? Bring it on, I won´t budge. “Soldier” is a good film and here´s why:

Actually I was gonna start listing the many reasons why it´s such a cool film but first let´s clarify something. You´re all familiar with a little film called “Blade Runner”, right? I think it´s a fascinating film and I´ve been more or less obsessed with it since I first saw it. That film was written by this dude named David Webb Peoples. He also wrote Clint Eastwood´s masterpiece “Unforgiven”, ok? So you know, we´re not dealing with some “take the money and run”-hack-writer here. Peoples wrote a script called “Soldier” which apparently was a brilliant, fantastic, impeccable and all round glorious screenplay (at least according to the nerd mafia that roams the internet), which took place in the same universe as “Blade Runner”. Let´s just say that I am pretty sure that Peoples script got one or two re-writes along the way. Like I said, “Soldier” is no masterpiece but it sure as hell is entertaining. But we´re not talking “Blade Runner”- or “All those moments will lost in time, like tears in the rain”-class here, ok? Just so we´re on the level here…

Back to business! I will now officially start explaining why “Soldier” is a good film, like I promised I would before I went off on that David Peoples-tangent.

First of all, “Soldier” has a pretty cool storyline: Todd (Russell) is a veteran soldier for an elite group of the armed forces of Earth. After being defeated by a new breed of genetically engineered soldiers, he is dumped on a waste planet and left for dead. He comes across a group of crash survivors who lead out a peaceful existence on the planet. The peace is soon broken as the new breed of soldiers land to eliminate the colony. And you know what that means, folks? Todd has to resort to what he knows best: kicking the shit out of and killing the bejesus out of people!

The thing I love about this film is that the moment that Todd is dumped on the planet, the movie basically turns into a western and if there´s one thing I love, it´s westerns! I love the mythology, the mystery, the stoicism of the silent stranger that drifts into town and let me tell ya, Kurt Russell is one stoic motherfucker in this one! He´s onscreen in almost every scene but according to some fucker on the internet (who´s obviously has got way too much time on his hands and needs to get out more) he only speaks a total of 104 words! That´s not a hell of a lot but since he is Kurt Russell and he´s got that face, he doesn´t need to say more than that.

You know what, I´m pretty lost when it comes to understanding why the hell people hate this movie´s guts so much! It´s the weirdest thing. If someone else had directed this film I am fairly certain that the level of hate directed towards this film wouldn´t be half as vicious then. And then there is that script. People were probably expecting the greatest and most transcendental thing to happen to the sci-fi genre since “2001” but instead they got a solid action flick. At least that´s what I think. I´m not saying that I wouldn´t have loved to see Peoples´ original script up there on the screen but come on, this is what we got and that ain´t all bad!

Another thing that is really, really, scarily good about this film is of course Kurt Russell´s performance as Todd. He´s been trained since birth to be nothing but a soldier, which means that emotions isn´t not a luxury that this man can afford. Russell does a great job of conveying that. Let´s just make one thing clear here if there´s any high brow culture snobs out there: I am not being ironic here! Kurt Russell is one of the most underappreciated actors of the last 30 years.

So, Todd´s been trained by birth, by Gary Busey nonetheless. Imagine what kind of repercussions that would have on someone´s psyche. Come to think of it, Russell is a lot like those guys in “300” in the way that the minute that they pop out of their mommy´s womb they are forced to beat each other up and kill and shit like that. The only difference is that the guys in Sparta talked a hell of a lot more. In fact, they talk too much, if you ask me. I mean, those fuckers wouldn´t shut up for a second! No matter what someone said, Gerard Butler had to reply with something along the lines of “In Sparta we do it like this!” or “Tonight we dine in hell!” or “In Sparta we wipe our asses before we take a dump!” or whatever… I much prefer Kurt Russell´s approach. Stoicism is the way to go.

Actually, Russell´s got quite a supporting cast in this one. Like I mentioned The Mighty Gary Busey´s in it, Michael Chiklis (Vic Mackey from “The Shield”) is in there, as well. Jason Scott Lee shows up and Connie Nielsen from “Gladiator” plays the female lead. She married Lars Ulrich the other year, you know? What the hell is up with that? I know they´re both Danish and shit but what the hell? She´s a good looking lady and he´s… well, Lars Ulrich! One of the most overrated drummers in the history of overrated drummers and on top of that, after watching “Some Kinda Monster” he seems like one of the most annoying people ever to walk the face of the earth. Did you ever watch that one? Every time someone asks Lars Ulrich a question he does his Tom-Cruise-in-“Eyes Wide Shut”-routine, which basically means that you repeat the question while stroking your chin before concluding that you are not sure. Kinda like this:

“So, Lars… How do you feel about the new album?”

“Hmmm…” (intense chin-stroking while gazing up into the ceiling) “… How do I feel about the new album, hmmm… I´m not sure… On the one hand it´s extremely good and on the other hand it´s not our best… I´m not sure, hmmm…”

Imagine having to put up with that shit all day. Bring me the head of Lars Ulrich, someone! What an asshole…

But anyway, “Soldier” is a surprisingly somber sci-fi-action flick. Todd´s fate is pretty sad. I mean, he´s just discarded and dumped like last year´s underwear and if I´m not mistaken, isn´t that a pretty big problem in our society today? Wherever we turn, older people with enormous competence in various professional fields are out of work, just because they aren´t the young turks anymore they used to be and that, my friends, is a sad thing. So basically Paul W.S. Anderson, which every fan boy seem to hate have basically managed to create a scathing criticism of our society´s obsession with youth and beauty. How about that? Didn´t see that one coming, did ya?

So there you have it. “Soldier” is a severely underrated and entertaining film in the Kurt Russell pantheon of movies. It may not be “The Thing” or “Escape from New York” or even “Big Trouble in Little China” but it´s still one hell of a movie. Unfortunately there are no sideburns in it. Kurt Russell looks really good in sideburns. There should be some kinda law in Hollywood that Kurt Russell should wear sideburns in every movie he makes.

I think I may have lied at the beginning when I told you that I would offer up some revolutionary insights about the human condition. Sorry about that. I promise to make it up to you.

Over and out and until next time: stay ghoul!

Thomas