Last Blog On The Left

So, here we are once again, friends. “Another year, another heartache” as I like to say. It´s time to bookmark the year that was 2008 and reflect upon what the hell really happened. I don´t know about you but I hope that you had a good year. Mine was pretty good. We got to release our debut album “There´s No Business Like Horror Business”, which was pretty fun. But enough about me, friends! Now it´s time to get down to business. Horror business, among others. It´s time to reflect upon life´s great questions and mysteries. Is there a meaning to all this? Lean out the nearest window and shout “What does it all mean?” if you´re in that kinda mood. Me, I figured that it´s time to think about which movies that stood out during the past year. I´ve probably missed some (you may have a hard time believing this but I am, in fact, not flawless) but I´m sure you´ll have the decency to let me know which ones they were. Here´s my favorite 20, friends:

 20. Cloverfield

You know it, you´ve seen it. Big-ass monster attacks Manhattan, filmed documentary style makes for quite an experience. I´d love to see a sequel to this one.

      19. Margot at the wedding

A man cannot live on horror and action alone and this is by far the best drama I saw last year. Though not as good as director Noah Baumbach´s previous film, “The Squid and the Whale”, it´s still pretty damn good! Nicole Kidman shines in this one. Jack Black also proves that he can do more than his usual schtick. I know that American films about dysfunctional, artistic families can be pretty damn boring but this one is an exception. Check it out!

18. Gå Med Fred Jamil/Walk With Peace Jamil

A brutal, intense film about the Islamic community in Copenhagen, Denmark and how violence and revenge affects us all. It´s a violent film but it never goes over the top. As far as I know it´s only released on DVD in Denmark but it has English subtitles, so seek it out, friends! Oh, and the guy who plays Jamil is a dead ringer for Vin Diesel but without the booming voice. An interesting debut from director Omar Shargawi. This is definitely a film that packs a punch.

17. The Bank Job

I don´t know about you but I´m childishly fond of Jason Statham. He´s definitely the best action star we have today and he´s not that bad of an actor. He´s actually pretty good, which he proves in this throwback to 70´s “one last heist”-movies. Director Roger Donaldson manages to keep things exciting as hell, without any big explosions, car chases or shootouts. Excellent filmmaking!

16. Before the devil knows you´re dead

A somber-as-hell, depressing heist-gone-wrong-flick directed by the old master Sidney Lumet and starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ethan Hawke and a lightly dressed Marisa Tomei, who are all at the top of their game. A great, great film! You can read more about this one if you scroll down a little, my friend.

15. Pineapple Express

We gotta have some laughs too, right? Seth Rogen and James Franco keep the legacy of Cheech & Chong alive while delivering some of the funniest lines all year. A fine buddy-movie and a genuine action-comedy that works. Directed by American independent-master David Gordon Green and he proves that he has a flair for more mainstream action-orientated comedies, too. I´d love to see him explore this side more in the future.

14. Frontiére(s)

Imagine ”The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” in France. Then you´ll get this film. It´s a really decadent, perverse, filthy and absolutely fantastic film with some absolutely amazing performances and believe it or not, something to say about the state French authorities. Fantastic, brutal stuff!

13. Rogue

This one was made back in ´07 but wasn´t released until ´08 thanks to Dimension and their insane ways of treating movies. However, it was well worth the wait since it is one of the best giant-crocodiles-on-the-loose-films ever made! Greg McLean who directed “Wolf Creek” does not disappoint and if he keeps this up, he might very well be the most interesting director making horror movies today.

12. Redbelt

David Mamet is a divided filmmaker. At one time his extremely intellectual plays are being played on America´s most prestigious theatre stages, while he produces a TV show like “The Unit” or directs a film about a martial arts instructor caught up in the lies and deceits of Hollywood. That´s what “Redbelt” is about. It´s a fight-film and you know what those are about, right? It´s about doing the right thing even if you know it´s gonna mean you´ll get caught with the wrong end of things. I´m a sucker for these kind of stories and no one writes dialogue like Mamet. While making what appears to be B-action movie, he manages to infuse it with his usual motifs of con-artists and what it means to be a man and so on. A great film starring Chiewetel Eijoufor, who is Hollywood´s best kept secret.

 

11. Urban Justice

No best of the year-list is complete without sneaking a bit of Steven Seagal in there, right? This one was actually released in ´07 in the States but it took until February in ´08 until it got its release over here so that´s how I justify that one. That and the fact that in this film Steven kicks a guy in the balls 11 (!) times! You heard me right, 11 times! It´s a back-to-basic-revenge story with Seagal as a former cop who´s out to revenge the death of his son, Charles Bronson-style. A great straight-to-DVD-flick!

10. The Chaser

A fantastic serial killer-thriller from Korea with one of the most original spins on the genre I´ve seen in a long time. See the original before Hollywood throws their remake upon you. It´s bound to happen. Scroll down a bit to read more on this great film, friend.

  

9. Doomsday

At last! How I´ve waited to finally get to see a “Mad Max”-rip off on the big screen again! Thank you, Neil Marshall, for making that dream come true. Now, if only we could get those straight-to-DVD-sequels going. I want more of Eden Sinclair!

8. Gran Torino

Okay, I admit that this isn´t Clint Eastwood´s greatest film but hey, it´s Clint fucking Eastwood, doing what he does best in the entire world: being a bad-ass and growling his way through the movie. He has some pretty fantastic lines in this film and the fact that he´s close to 80 years old does not change the fact that he´s still the hardest man alive. The fact that he´s said in the press that this will probably be his final acting role has plunged me into a state of melancholia, emotional turmoil and infinite sadness. If I tend to hit the bottle extremely often in the near future, you know why.

 

7. In Bruges

How about a pitch-black, politically incorrect comedy about two hit men waiting for their next gig in the bizarre town of Bruges? If that sounds intriguing, then I guarantee that you won´t be disappointed with this one. It stars Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson and Ralph Fiennes and it features some of the nastiest and most wonderfully obscene dialogue you´ve heard all year. At one point Gleeson looks across the room and says “Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf? I´m outta here…”. Great, great stuff! Oh, and it does have a dwarf in its cast! Every movie should have that.

6. No Country For Old Men

After watching this, I don´t think that I can ever go back to watching a Coen brothers comedy again and just enjoying it, like I used to. I will constantly be thinking “Why the hell are they wasting their time making fucking comedies when they can be making hard-as-nails, melancholy, brutal thrillers like “No Country For Old Men”?” That´s how good it is, but I´m sure you all know that so enuff said. You´ve all heard about Javier Bardem´s weird haircut but he´s not the star of this film. Josh Brolin is great, Woody Harrelson is very funny in what is essentially a cameo but the movie really belongs to Tommy Lee Jones. This might be his best role to date. He was born to play this character.

5. Let The Right One In/Låt den rätte komma in

I´m sure you´ve heard all about this one and how great it is. I´m not gonna say much except the fact that this is probably the best vampire film since Kathryn Bigelow´s “Near Dark”. A swedish take on the vampire-myth that actually has the balls to take the genre seriously. A crowning achievement in Swedish filmmaking!

4. JCVD

Another masterpiece! Definitely one of my favorite films of recent years! This will mark a new beginning in Jean Claude Van Damme´s career and I urge you to seek it out! This is a funny, dramatic, exciting and above all, very moving film where Van Damme actually does some of the best acting I´ve seen in many years… period! I know what you´re thinking “A movie starring Van Damme? He´s finally lost it. Either that or he´s drunk as hell”, but you are wrong. This is a fantastic piece of filmmaking and you owe it to yourself to watch this one. I´ll be posting an entry entirely about this one pretty soon so keep up, friends!

3. À l’intérieur aka Inside

France proved that they are currently the one country that has the guts to make really provocative horror movies. “Inside” is without a doubt, the most nerve-wrecking, scariest, most squirm-inducing horror film I´ve seen in many, many years. I´m not gonna tell you the story, if you haven´t seen it. The less you know about it, the better it works. I can tell you this much: you won´t believe your eyes. Or your ears either, for that matter! Seldom has sound design been used to such effect as in this masterpiece.

2. The Dark Knight

I´m not sure if you´ve heard about this small arthouse-flick. Anyway, it´s about a man named Bruce and he clearly has some issues. I don´t know what his sexual orientation is but he seems to get off on dressing up as a bat and beating the crap out of others (sadistic-animalistic-something, maybe?). All kidding aside, you´ve all seen it and you all know how great Heath Ledger is in the role of the Joker. I´ve seen it three times so far and it keeps getting better and better with every viewing! A superhero-movie that feels completely realistic with one of the scariest villains ever to grace the silver screen. I don´t know how Christopher Nolan did it but he managed to create a superhero-movie with the same weight and gravitas as “The Godfather”-movies. Pretty well done, in my opinion.

And the winner, ladies and ghouls, is…

1. There Will Be Blood

Three fucking hours of exploring the cruel and greedy side of human nature and portraying how California came to be the state it is today. Sounds fun, right? Well, it´s not fun but it´s definitely captivating. You can read all about this one and Daniel Day Lewis´ towering performance at other, more highbrow-websites and newspapers so I´m not gonna say much more. You know the deal. It´s a masterpiece and Paul Thomas Anderson is without a doubt the best director hanging around Hollywood today! It also features some of the most unnerving music ever created for a film and one of the best titles ever. A pure masterpiece!

Now, do I need to mention that for every twenty of these movies, I saw 20 that sucked ass? You know how the song goes, don´t you? You´ve all been there. However, there were a couple of movies that I was really disappointed in; movies that I had really, really high hopes for. They did not live up to them, unfortunately. Those movies were…

Hellboy II

I admit that this is not a bad film, it is directed by Guillermo Del Toro, after all. I was disappointed as hell after watching it, however. I expected a film to rival the first one and not some kind of half-assed “Harry Potter”-movie. Scroll down a bit to read all about my life crisis after witnessing this one.

X-Files: I Want To Believe

I looooved the X-Files TV-show when it was on the air! I loved the first movie! And like every other teenage geek, I was in love with Dana Scully! That´s why I was really looking forward to this one but as it turned out, I thought that “I Want To Believe” was pretty lackluster. Was this really the best they could come up with in all those years? There was nothing wrong with the atmosphere and the moody landscapes but the story was not that engaging. It felt more like a below-average episode of the show. The best thing about it was Billy Connolly´s performance as a pedophile priest. A disappointment. Damn you, Chris Carter! I was really rooting for you to make a big comeback.

 

Quantum of Solace

After the kick-start of the Bond franchise that was “Casino Royale”, I nearly wet my pants with excitement when I settled down into my seat in the theatre on opening day. However, warning bells went off during the first minute when I couldn´t tell who was chasing who in the car chase that opens the film. Action scenes that seem to have been edited by a hyperactive epileptic doesn´t impress me. Daniel Craig was great in this one too, but all in all the script was weaker and the villain was not as intriguing. A disappointment after “Casino Royale”, which was one of the best Bond films ever.

So there you have it, folks. I hope that you have a pleasant New Year´s Eve today and don´t forget to stay sober tonight. It´s perfectly fine to be drunk as hell every other night of the year but tonight, it´s “amateur night” as Dean Martin so nicely put it. Take scare and have a great time,

Thomas  

If you happen to frequent this site every now and then, I guess that you´re the kinda guy that´s familiar with the work of Uwe Boll, right? He gets an enormous amount of crap for his films and whenever I´m in a discussion with someone about him, I always try to defend him, no matter how hard and illogical that may sound, I try to do it. I try to watch every new Boll-flick that arrives on the video shelves because no matter how bad and amateurish some of them may be, they´re always entertaining! And isn´t that a pretty important thing when it comes to movies? That they entertain you? No matter how illogical and stupid they might be, they´re always fun in an Ed Wood-kinda way and that´s more than you can say about most Hollywood-movies. Many of them aren´t even entertaining, that´s why I prefer a Boll-flick every now and then.

But you know what, this wasn´t gonna be a long diatribe about the Boll-meister. I wanted to talk to you about another director that has a really bad reputation, undeservedly so, I might add. I´m talking about Paul W.S. Anderson, the director of such films as “Mortal Kombat”, “Soldier”, “Event Horizon”, “Resident Evil” and “Aliens VS. Predator”. I don´t know about you but I kinda like these films. Okay, maybe not “Mortal Kombat”, that much. But what the hey, at least it has Christophe Lambert in it so I guess I´ll sit through that one again. It´s a whole different deal when it comes to “Soldier”. I thought that was a great film! A western set in space, where a soldier robot (portrayed by the almighty Kurt Russell) has to learn to be a human and do the things that a man´s gotta do. What´s wrong with that concept? Absolutely nothing! It´s a cool sci-fi film, and don´t let the internet- geek communities tell you otherwise. And what about “Event Horizon”? A haunted house-story set in space? That´s a great film, you gotta agree with me on that one, at least? If not, then, my dear friend, you are a damn fool. But hey, it´s not too late to change! The New Year is pounding on our doors like a Jehova´s witness-representative on meth-amphetamine so let this be your New Year´s resolution: “I will try to become a better man and learn to appreciate the films of Paul W.S. Anderson. He does not deserve the bad reputation he has and I will stop bad-mouthing him on the internet. Just because he looks like a damn geek, like myself, but has managed to land Milla Jovovich as his wife, does not make him a lesser human being. Also, I will donate all my earnings to the dear and lovely Thomas Lovecraft who writes such fantastic things on his blog. Let this be my New Year´s resolution!”

Hey, I especially liked that last part. Don´t forget that one when the clock strikes twelve and you´re standing there as drunk as Keith Richards in a brewery, fuckers!

Anyway, back to Mr. Anderson and his movies. What about “Resident Evil”? Everyone whined about that one, too but that didn´t stop it from making so much money that it has spawned two sequels. I´m gonna go out on a limb here and say that I think that “Resident Evil” is the best movie EVER based on a video game. I dare you to find one that tops it. I think it´s an effective-as-hell and entertaining action-horror-film. I liked part two, also. I liked part three, even more. Then we have the infamous “AvP” where Anderson, according to fans around the world, ruined both the “Alien”- and the “Predator”-franchises. I don´t think that he did. I admit that it sucked ass that he wasn´t able to make it as hardcore “R”-rated film like the previous ones but you can´t get it all, right? At least he got it made and let´s not forget that those two franchises were pretty much dead. In other words: we should be thanking him for breathing life into it again and I thought it was fantastically entertaining! I didn´t care that much for the sequel but the first one was great fun.

So there you have it. My confession as a self-proclaimed Paul W.S. Anderson-apologist! This brings us up to date. I just watched his latest film, “Death Race”. You know, the remake of the cult classic “Death Race 2000” starring David Carradine and Sylvester Stallone, produced by Roger Corman.

But before we continue I guess I´m gonna have to fill in those suckers out there who doesn´t know what this flick´s about. Shame on you but here we go: Sentenced to the world’s most dangerous prison for a murder he did not commit, Jensen Ames (Jason Statham) has only one chance to get out alive – win the ultimate race to the death. This involves driving souped-up cars at a very high speed… That´s really all there is to it. Simple enough premise for ya?

Now, I know what you´re thinking. “Oh no, not another remake!” you cry. I don´t care if it´s a remake or not, as long as it´s well done and let me tell ya, “Death Race” is the most fun I´ve had watching a movie in a long, long time. First of all, it stars Jason Statham which is never, ever a bad thing. In my depraved mind, Statham is without arguing the best action star working today! He´s not a typical pretty-boy, knows his martial arts and doesn´t take himself or his movies too seriously. What the hell more do you want in an action star? I know I´m pretty satisfied with that. Anderson even managed to land a couple of good co-stars in this one. Ian McShane stars as “Coach” and even though he doesn´t get to spout as many “fuck” and “shit” in the dialogue as he does in “Deadwood”, he always deliver. In this one he proves that he can play sympathetic roles, too. But you know, every good action flick needs a great villain, right? That´s why Anderson gives us Joan Allen! I was pretty surprised to see her in this one ´cause usually she does serious shit like “The Ice Storm” and whatnot but I guess she´s not opposed to collecting a fat paycheck ´cause every now and then she pops up in something like this or “Face Off”, which works just fine for me. She´s a great actress and she do make for a pretty entertaining villain in this one. It´s not like she has that much to work with and if you´re looking for a great character study in why this woman has become the most brutal warden on the face of planet earth, I guess you´re gonna be disappointed. But at least she sells her lines with conviction.

But you know, the acting doesn´t really matter that much in an action movie if the action sequences isn´t up to snuff and in this case, they sure as hell are. I´m a sucker for car chases. I don´t know why, I don´t even have a driving license myself and I hate riding in cars that go fast. Absolutely hate it. But I love a good car chase in the movies. And this flick has three, long and elaborate as hell, chases. Thank you for that, Mr. Anderson! The thing is that Anderson knows how to make an entertaining action film. He knows that we don´t wanna see how much it hurts Statham that he lost his wife. We don´t want long scenes of him brooding and mourning. Hell no, we want him to get to the god damn prison so that the titular Death Race can begin. This takes about a half hour of set-up, and then it´s go-time. And when it starts, it´s a pretty fun ride. Anderson also has the good sense to make the action scenes pretty watchable. They´re not like in the latest Bond-movie, “Quantum of Solace”, where the opening car chase had me wondering what the hell was going on and exactly who was chasing who. Anderson manages to keep it pretty old-school, which is admirable. You always have a pretty good sense of which car is which and who is following who. Although the camera does its fair amount of shaking, it´s not like in the “Bourne”-films. Although, he could´ve made the geography of Terminal Island a little clearer. You never get a sense of exactly how big is this damn island where they hold these races. That´s the only complaint I have about the action scenes. That and the fact that they do not feature any gratuitous nudity. That sucks. Every action film should have at least some nudity.

But in order to make up for the lack of nudity in this big budget B-movie action-extravaganza, he treats us to some pretty cool death scenes with its fair share of gore. So I guess I shouldn´t be complaining too much, right?

I like the original “Death Race 2000” as much as the next guy, but I have to say that it hasn´t aged with grace. When watching it today, it is hopelessly rooted in 70´s-filmmaking. That doesn´t necessarily have to be a bad thing, but I´m sorry to say that the original “Death Race” doesn´t quite hold up today. The performances are still great. David Carradine definitely delivers in the role of Frankenstein and like I mentioned earlier, so does Statham in the new version. It´s another thing when it comes to the part of Machine Gun Joe… In Anderson´s version, this part is inhabited by Tyrese Gibson. I don´t know if you´re familiar with this dude but apparently he´s a rapper of some sort.

Now, being the white male that I am, middle class and all, I can´t stand that shit so I have no idea if he´s a “good” rapper (now, there´s an oxymoron, if ever there were one) or a “bad” one. I wouldn´t know ´cause I can´t tell the difference. I´m sort of illiterate when it comes to hip hop or rap and I´m the first one to admit it. I just can´t wrap my mind around the concept of that type of music. I was raised on Ramones and AC/DC and hip hop just makes me feel very, very old and clueless. But anyway, I went off on an tangent there but what I wanted to get at was the fact that I haven´t heard one iota of Tyrese Gibson´s music but I did see him in “2 Fast, 2 Furious” a couple of years back and I thought he was pretty good in that one. He definitely has the kind of presence that makes him enjoyable to watch on screen. So feel free to give up your day job as gangster rapper because you´re a pretty good actor, Tyrese! Just my two pennies worth, if anyone´s interested.

But you see, the thing is this, ladies and gentlemen… No matter how great this Tyrese Gibson is in this role, there´s no way in hell that he can top the actor from the original because in that one, Machine Gun Joe was portrayed by none other than Sylvester Stallone and he´s pretty fantastic in that role. He displayed a sense of humor and a knack for chewing the scenery that he sadly stayed away from for many years of his later career. He´s unforgettable in that film! So, no matter how good of a job you actually do in this one, Tyrese Gibson, you´re not gonna beat out old Sly. But don´t let this bring you down too much. I see great things in your future so lay off the rapping and keep making movies instead, Tyrese Gibson.

Now, there may be some of you out there who think that topping a Sylvester Stallone-performance might be a pretty easy task but let´s not forget the first “Rocky”-film, people! Or how about the first “Rambo”-installment? He was pretty damn good in those. Or how about his performance as Freddy Heflin in “Copland”? Man, it was damn shame that he didn´t get an Oscar for that performance. Seldom has male melancholia been portrayed so accurately on screen. I´m not jerking your chain here, Stallone is fine actor, when given the right script and director. That, my friends, is why it´s not always so damn easy to out-act him.

Back to “Death Race”: I remember reading something about the American film guru Roger Ebert calling this film “immoral” when it opened in the states. I don´t know about you but whenever one of these big time critics starts throwing words like “immoral” and “nasty” around, I just gotta check that movie out. Accusations like these get my pulse racing. I guess it´s the teenager in me coming to life, every now and again. For example, Ebert called the new “Punisher: War Zone” movie “disgusting” so I can´t wait to see that one. Anyway, the thing is that if you can find the energy in your tired old, conservative heart to find this movie upsetting, then maybe you should seriously consider only reviewing film starring Meg Ryan or Jennifer Anniston.

“Death Race” is just a big, loud, dumb action movie and that´s what I love about it. Anderson has no ambitions whatsoever to create a thought-provoking or deep film. He just wants us to have a good time and blow things up, while Jason Statham snarls his lines at his co-stars. What the hell is wrong with that? Absolutely nothing, in my humble opinion… I guess that you can read some social commentary into the fact that the Death Race is broadcasted on the web and that people pay to watch people die, but hey! We´re not watching “The Condemned” starring Stone Cold Steve Austin here, which actually laid on the social commentary too thick (if you can believe that about a film co-starring Vinnie Jones and produced by the WWF)! This is fucking “Death Race” with Jason “bad-ass” Statham, okay? Directed by Paul Anderson and not Oliver Stone, so let´s not go there. This is not that type of movie and it´s a hell of a lot more entertaining for it.

I think that if there´s another film out there that “Death Race” has something in common with, then it´s not the original but instead Arnold Schwarzenegger´s “The Running Man” from back in the happy 80´s. Both films feature a TV-show where inmates are forced to fight for their life. Both of these films have something to say about where our popular culture is headed and the state of the TV industry. Maybe “The Running Man” is the more relevant of the two, but the thing is that none of these films tries to oversell their viewpoint. They are first and foremost action movies and that´s what I love about them. I think that “The Running Man” still holds up today. I watched it a couple of months back and it´s still surprisingly entertaining. And you know what? I´m willing to bet what´s left of my broken soul that Paul W.S Anderson is a pretty big fan of that flick, too. I think that “Death Race” is gonna hold up when I watch it twenty years from today. It´s a solid action movie that adheres to the golden rule of action filmmaking: simple premise with spectacular action sequences. You can go a long way with that. Just look at this Anderson guy. After all, he´s married to Milla Jovovich. You know, the girl from “The Fifth Element”… and “Resident Evil”… ah, who am I kidding? You know who she is.

However, there is one thing that I found hilariously stupid about this remake. Before the end credits starts rolling we get a disclaimer that says something along the lines of “The car stunts in this film are dangerous and was done by profesionals. You should not attempt this on your won etc, etc…”. You know, the kind they have at the end of an “Jackass”-episode? I mean, what has the world come to when filmmakers has to stamp something like this on their movies jsut to have their backs clear and not get sued by some asshole in Kentucky who tried to mount a machine gun on his pick-up truck and jump through a concrete wall? Should they be forced to put these on every film now? I didn´t see one at the end of the latest Bond-movie that said “Do not try to act like a secret agent on your own. Mr. Bond is a fictional character and we do not recommend blowing up luxurious spa-resorts in South America on your own”. Maybe that was a sly form of making fun of how stupid audiences have become today? Oh, Mr. Anderson… you are a tricky bastard.

So there you have it, folks. Making basic, entertaining sci-fi-action-movies has definitely improved Paul W.S. Anderson´s life. I guess it has in some small way improved mine, too. It feels kinda good to always be able to rely on him for creating a big popcorn movie. Hell, I wish that more filmmakers thought like Anderson and strived to entertain their audience as much as humanly possible. That could be all of Hollywood´s New Year resolution. I´m not saying that I want them to dumb down their movies even more, hell no! That´s not possible but I think that too many of the big budget Hollywood action movies nowadays are overly long and not as entertaining as they used to be and I just can´t see a reason why they shouldn´t be. I mean, come on! Wasn´t the “Indiana Jones”-movies big budget summer blockbusters? They were pretty entertaining, right? So, let´s strive for that in 2009, Hollywood, shall we? Come on, I know you can do it. I still have faith in you, Hollywood. Not much, but some. Oh, If only they would listen to me…

Have a happy New Year´s Eve and until next time,

Thomas

Once again the Christmas season looms over us and everywhere we turn we hear a god awful Christmas song blaring from the speakers, we see people looking exhausted from chasing down the perfect Christmas gifts and the message of joy is shoved down our sore throats. The season to be jolly? Don´t think so, friend. It´s ok to not like this season and what better way to forget this damn holiday than a melodramatic crime flick that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas? It´s the best medicine there is, kids. Get ready, here we go!

Crime movies is a tricky genre. About 90 % of all the crime movies I watch pretty much suck. I guess it´s because that it´s a popular genre and they are making a hell of a lot crime films, right? I mean, who doesn´t enjoy a decent crime flick? I bet even your girlfriend likes to watch one every now and then. One of the reason I like the genre is because it´s easily combined with other genres. You can fit the whole human spectra of emotions into a crime film, more easily than into say, a horror film. When it comes to exploring what makes people tick and do the things we do, crime movies is a pretty handy genre.

But like I said earlier, unfortunately most of the movies I sit through are pretty bad. But you know what? Every now and then you come across a real gem, a movie that´s so good you can´t understand why it´s taken you so long to watch this one? Why the hell didn´t I see this one on opening night six months ago, you big dumb bastard? I guess I had better things to do. Like watching a bad crime movie, instead! Well, you live and you learn, kids. I had read about this one and it had gotten great reviews but I was still a bit skeptical. It was directed by Sidney Lumet and even though he has directed his fair share of fantastic films back in the 70´s, like “Dog Day Afternoon”, “Network” and “Serpico”, it had been quite a while since the man churned a good film. During the 80´s he managed to direct the fantastic “Prince of the City” and he also managed to create one of the best crime films of the 90´s, “Q & A”, starring a ferocious Nick Nolte. So, the man has managed to create minor or major masterpieces in the last three decades, separately. Pretty good work. But there hasn´t been much fuss about him lately. It may have to do with the fact that the man is 83 years old. I say again, 83! How excited can you get about an 83 year old geezer making films? Well, he proved with his previous film “Find Me Guilty” that he still had it in him to make good movies. It was by no means a masterpiece, but it was a pretty good movie in the style of his 70´s films. He also managed to get Vin Diesel to actually act his way through a film. Not once did he break out in a speech about how he lives his life at 120 miles per hour or anything resembling that. Pretty impressive, Sidney!

But then something extremely weird happened. Apparently Sidney Lumet himself made a deal with the devil. I don´t know what he offered him in return but good old Lucifer gave the old bastard a god damn masterpiece in return! The guy is 83 years old! What the hell is going on? When my grandmother was 83 years old she was senile and blind as a bat and lived in a nursing home. She was in no state to direct a movie, I´ll tell you that much. She couldn´t even direct her own hands. So whatever Lumet agreed to give up when he signed that contract, Lucifer sure came through on the deal. I´m telling you, it is absolutely impossible to tell that this film is directed by a man well into his 80´s. This is definitely the work of a young man, eager to prove that he has the confidence to orchestrate a crime drama of Shakespearean proportions.

Here´s the story for those of you sorry enough to not have seen it yet. Now, I don´t wanna ruin the film for you so I´m gonna give you the vague version, ok? Here it is: Needing extra cash, two brothers (Philip Seymour Hoffman & Ethan Hawke) conspire to pull off the perfect, victimless crime. No guns, no violence, no problem. But when an accomplice ignores the rules and crosses the line, his actions trigger a series of events in which no one is left unscathed.

Not exactly a new concept, right? We´ve seen this story a thousand times before but that doesn´t matter as long as it´s told in an interesting way, right? And that´s definitely something that Lumet knows how to do. He can rack the tension up to eleven without even breaking a sweat, the old bastard. I´ll admit that I am a huge fan of 70´s cinema and the type of slow burning mood pieces they made back then and this is definitely a film that oozes 70´s cinema. This is a film that allows it to take the time to develop the characters and let the events unfold, without rushing it along. I don´t know if it´s just the fact that this film feels like a breath of fresh air but right now it feels like this one is definitely on par with Lumet´s work back in the golden decade of cinema. Maybe I won´t feel that way in a couple of years when I have some distance to it, but right now I´m pretty overwhelmed by this film.

There´s a particular type of films that rarely talked about among film buffs, a special kind of genre that isn´t quite yet defined, I think. “Before the Devil Knows You´re Dead” belongs to that genre. Some people would argue that it is a melodrama but I´m not sure that that´s an adequate description. You know the kind of movies I´m talking about, right? The kind where everything goes to hell at the beginning and then it just mounts from there. Everything that can go wrong does, indeed, go pear shaped. Another example of this type of film is the fantastic “Very Bad Things”. I know that you have at least a couple of friends that hate these kind of movies, right? They can´t watch them without getting stressed out and cursing and talking at the screen. “Why the hell do they wanna do that? What´s wrong with them? Idiots!” You know, stuff like that. The thing is that I absolutely love these kinds of films. I don´t know what kind of sick pleasure I get out of this but I guess it is the hopefully dormant sadist that lies resting within me, that gets his kick from these kinda flicks. But to be honest, isn´t it a hell of a lot more interesting to watch a heist that goes horribly wrong and the consequences that goes with such an ordeal, than watching a couple of guys plan a score and then watch them pull it off and then live happily ever after? Where´s the fun in that, I ask you?

I´ll admit that this is not an easy watch. It´s pretty painful at times and that´s thanks to the fantastic cast that Lumet managed to round up. The film has many things going for it, for example its title. Say it out loud, slowly: “Before… The Devil… Knows… You´re… Dead”. That´s one hell of a title, friends. I mean, come on! When you see a film with that title, you know that it´s gonna be good. You wanna watch a film with a title like that right away. I know I do.

So, the title is great but the cast is even greater. Philip Seymour Hoffman is fantastic, Ethan Hawke also and Marisa Tomei´s pretty damn awesome, too. As if you didn´t know that Hoffman is a great actor? He´s responsible for one of the best villains of the last ten years, in my opinion, in “Mission Impossible III”. But that´s not important right now. We have more important things to discuss, namely Marisa Tomei. She turns in a performance worth remembering. For many different reasons, I might add. I´m not gonna try and hide the fact that she is nude in a couple of scenes and that I really appreciated that. After all, I am a guy and last time I checked I had a pulse so it´s pretty damn hard not to appreciate a woman like Marisa Tomei stripping down to her birthday suit. I can try to intellectualize this all I want but the fact remains that, much like George Costanza in that classic “Seinfeld”-episode, who the hell hasn´t had a crush on her? One of the things that´s especially great about these nude scenes is that she does play them pretty realistic. After making love to her husband, she walks around the apartment; she goes to get something in the fridge while still being nude. Pretty much the way people do in real life. So if you think that Lumet is just a dirty old bastard who wanted to get a look at a fine piece of ass, I think that´s it´s justified. It adds to the realism, kids. Take my word for it. You can use that as an excuse when you girlfriend asks why you´re watching it for the ninth time. You´re welcome!

So, like I mentioned earlier there´s some pretty darn good acting on display in this film. While Hoffman and Hawke may be the most unlikely sibling couple, physically speaking, ever to grace the screen, they somehow pull it off. Never once did I not buy these two guys as brothers. But the thing is that Lumet is the kind of director that has the good taste to populate his films with great actors in every single role. It´s like that old saying that “there are no small roles just bad actors” or whatever that shit was. For example, Albert Finney plays their dad and Amy Ryan (who´s fantastic in both “Gone Baby Gone” and “The Wire”) plays Hawke´s ex-wife. There´s some pretty powerful acting going on here.

But that´s not all. Lumet has an ace up his sleeve and that ace spells Michael Shannon. Now, if you´re not familiar with this actor it´s your loss! He´s fantastic! I first noticed him years back when he did a hilarious turn in John Water´s underrated “Cecil B. Demented”. In this one he manages to be both funny and scary. Just watch the scene when he asks Hoffman´s character Andy if he can call him Groucho, then Chico. Somebody needs to give this man a a major role as a villain that he can sink his teeth into. If there´s anyone out there who remembers that I was rambling about William Friedkin´s fantastically scary “Bug” many months back, you might remember that this is the same Michael Shannon that plays one of the leads in that film. He´s the kind of character actor that I love. He always manages to play believable characters, no matter how quirky they are. He´s the modern day Warren Oates! He´s the kind of actor that keeps the heritage of white trash alive in modern cinema, yet never once turns his characters into caricatures. When the hell is this guy gonna get a leading man-role? Hollywood doesn´t know what they´re missing out on. Just look at Warren Oates. When they realized how damn good he was and started using him to his full capabilities, he went and died on us. Don´t make the same mistake with Michael Shannon, Hollywood!

So, you might´ve guessed that “Before the Devil Knows You´re Dead” is a pretty depressing film. In fact, it´s almost sinister in the way that it tightens the screws and puts the audience through the wringer but don´t let that stop you, kids! If you imagine a Coen brothers film, but without the laughs, then you´re pretty close with his one. Like many Coen-scenarios we´re dealing with a heist-gone-wrong and there´s plenty of quirky and offbeat characters but I mentioned a couple of weeks back that I´ve become pretty tired of the Coen brothers way of making films that almost exclusively deals with stupid characters doing stupid things. Well, that doesn´t exist in this film. Everything is played extremely realistically and naturalistic. The Coen brothers could maybe take a cue from old Sidney Lumet and focus more on their dark and broody sensibilities. I don´t know about you but I´d be a much, much happier man then.

The last year there have been quite a few major movies that have been surprisingly dark and moody. I´m talking about such fine films like the previously mentioned “No Country For Old Men”, “There Will Be Blood” and “Eastern Promises”. As far as I can tell all these films pretty pretty big successes and “Before The Devil…” keeps fanning the flame of the American tragic film. These are films that are made by people who are at the top of their game and they got no time for such unimportant things like happy endings. These are films that keeps the tradition of the Greek tragedies alive and breathing and nobody is happier about that than me. I love these kinda films! I guess it´s the horror hound in me that wants his piece. The films I´ve mentioned here are “human” horror films, if there is such a thing. Just look at “There Will Be Blood” and tell me that Daniel Day-Lewis´ character Daniel Plainview isn´t a monster? Do you disagree? Didn´t think so, my friend. In fact, I think that he´s one of the scarier characters I´ve seen in a long, long time. That´s why I think that “Before The Devil…” is also a pretty scary film, albeit in a much more realistic way than the usual horror flick. This is horrific, melodramatic tragedy turned up to eleven, friends… and I just love it!

So there you have it: flawed characters, a fantastic morality tale about a heist-gone-wrong and all of this populated with great actors. What the hell more do you want from a movie, ya big freak? I´m telling ya, you owe it to yourself to check this one out. And if you do and don´t like it, you can blame me. I´m perfectly fine with that. But just remember this: even if you thought that the movie sucked ferociously, you still got to see Marisa Tomei naked and that´s definitely not a bad thing, my friend. You could be worse off. Did I mention that Philip Seymour Hoffman is pretty lightly dressed in the same scene? I didn´t? Well, I don´t wanna rain on your parade but maybe you shouldn´t get too worked up. Even the sun has it´s spots, as the old saying goes.

So, I hope that you have a merry and bloody Christmas and whatever and that you survive without too many emotional scars.

Take care and be well, friends!

Thomas

So, after the laugh-fest last week that was “Pineapple Express”, my love affair with the revenge genre continues and you might wonder why. What is it about my fascination with the genre? As I´m writing this I am home sick from work and have just finished watching “An Eye for an Eye”, starring Sally Fields and Kiefer Sutherland. With a title like that, guess what it´s about? It´s not about a middle aged woman, whose children goes off to college and she is left at home and finds her inner self. Of course it´s a revenge flick, where Kiefer plays the baddie! And he does a pretty good job at it, too. He´s a spitting image of James Hetfield in Metallica in this one, too and that´s kind of fun. Metallica sucks donkey balls but Kiefer rocks. Always have, always will. At least he didn´t look like that god damn Lars Ulrich. That would´ve made for one scary experience. Or Kirk Hammett! Imagine Kiefer Sutherland running around with a tiny moustache and curly, black hair? Maybe that would be kinda fun, come to think of it. But anyway, thank you for not looking like Lars fucking Ulrich in that film, Kiefer. I think it would´ve ruined it for me. Now I at least enjoyed parts of it. Like the part where marked your territory by pissing. That was pretty cool, Mr. Kiefer!

Anyway, what is it with my fascination? Do I roam the streets at night, cursing my disgust over crime like some sort of Travis Bickle but without the Taxi cab? No, I don´t but I have given this some thought recently. Actually, it was after a ride with a genuine taxi driver who had a less than sunny disposition in life. He was fairly bitter and blamed all the crime in the city on foreigners and immigrants. He also vented some opinions that weren´t at all that dissimilar from Bickle´s in the movie “Taxi Driver”. He thought that someone should clean up in this god damn mess ´cause the cops ain´t doing a good enough job. These situations can be pretty uncomfortable and those brief discussions you have with these people are totally meaningless, when it comes down to it. It´s not like he´s gonna change my mind about things and I´m not gonna make him re-think certain aspects of his but sometimes you can´t help yourself. Sometimes you come across people who are so different from yourself that you have to pick their brain, even if it only is for fifteen minutes or so.

Anyway, this cab driver basically wanted to go Charles Bronson on all the biker clubs and gangs in the city. I asked him who he thought should do it, if he was willing and he replied “Hell, no! I don´t wanna go to jail. But someone should definitely do it”. Someone should do it, but not me. Isn´t that´s why revenge flicks are so interesting? Isn´t it a titillating concept: that someone has had enough and decides to take revenge on those responsible? Don´t get me wrong, I am not for vigilantes in real life and I am not for the death penalty but I can´t help myself. I just love movies that deal with these things. I wonder how many times that damn cab driver had watched “Death Wish”. Maybe I´ll end up like him someday. No matter how you look at it, it´s a fascinating thought: to take the law into your own hands, isn´t it?

Anyway, those who are willing to expose your intellect to my ramblings on this site may remember that I discussed a film called “The Backwoods” a couple of weeks back or so. It starred Gary Oldman and this fellow called Paddy Considine. If you are a frequent visitor here, you might´ve also noticed that I´m not that fond of all these pretty boys that are running around Hollywood, making action movies and pretending that they´ve been to hell and back when it´s obvious that the only place these fuckers ever have been to is the plastic surgeons, tanning salons and back. I don´t like that! I want my actors to look like they´ve lived a rough life, especially if they are to come across as a hard-ass onscreen. They should have the face of an ashtray and the voice of a bottle of Bourbon. Now, Paddy Considine is no beauty. He´s not ugly but he definitely doesn´t have that classic movie star good looks. He looks like a bloke you might see on the street and that´s one of the things that makes him so god damn good as an actor. He plays the lead in “Dead Man´s Shoes”, if you haven´t figured that out already, and he does a hell of a job! He may not be the new Lee Marvin but he´s definitely more believable in a role like this than many other actors of today. I mentioned back in that “The Backwoods”-entry that I promised to go further into detail about “Dead Man´s Shoes” and since I am a man of my word, here we are. Strap yourself in!

So, here´s what this particular flick is about: Richard (Considine) returns home from military service to a small town in the British Midlands. He has one thing on his mind: revenge. It´s payback-time for the local bullies who did some very bad things to his brother. At first his campaign employs guerrilla tactics, designed to frighten the men and put them ill at ease. But then he steps up his operation, and one by one the men starts fearing for their lives.

Now, that sounds like your ordinary revenge-flick, right? Well, it isn´t. This is something out of the ordinary and a real original piece of work. How come, you might ask and thanks to the good mood I am in today, I will answer. First of all, there´s the setting. I don´t know about you but I sure as hell haven´t seen a vigilante-flick set in the British Midlands. If you´re not familiar with how that looks, imagine if Charles Bronson would be running around that dreary village in “Emmerdale Farm”, killing off small time crooks and you´re pretty close.

I haven´t been to England that many times but I´m a big fan of British cinema. I like the way they keep it gritty´n´dirty. I don´t know if this is because all British filmmakers secretly wants to be Ken Loach or if it really is that way over there, but I like it. Take for example the locales in this film, they´re dirty as hell! After watching this, I think that the dirtiest place in the world has to be a kitchen on the English countryside. I wouldn´t be surprised to know that they don´t get running water over there. I´m sure that they do but Brit-directors and set decorators sure do a good job of showing off the dirtiest places they can find and for a movie like this, that´s perfect! It definitely adds to the mood of the piece. So this is what you might call a “Kitchen sink revenge”-film.

Second of all, this is a film that manages to be both brutal, poetic, touching and funny. You never got that feeling while watching “Death Wish III”, right? No, this is something else. The way that Richard goes about meting out his revenge on these local hoods is pretty original. Not how crazy old Charlie Bronson would´ve done it. I´m pretty sure about that. The opening scene of the film is gloriously shot, when we follow Richard and his brother walking through the woods and mountains back to their home village. This scene gives no indication of what you´re about to see and the first time I watched the film I was pretty surprised. I thought that I was in for a straight British drama but lo and behold, I got so much more! Thank you for that, Mr. Shane Meadows!

So, it also manages to be brutal, right? In fact, this is a pretty grim flick. We know from the first encounter Richard has with a member of the gang that this isn´t gonna end well for them. Richard sits in a cafeteria, watching Herbie (Stuart Wolfenden) conduct some drug dealing in broad daylight while no one says anything or even reacts. Stuart notices that he´s being watched by this man in an old army jacket and asks him if he can help him with anything. Richard shrugs his shoulders and says “Sorry?” which irritates Herbie who then asks what he´s looking at. Richard then flies to feet and snarls “You, ya cunt!”. You know then and there that Richard isn´t playing around. This is serious stuff. Considine is a god damn contortionist of the face in this scene. He lashes out like an animal ready to attack and for us fans of hard ass cinema, it´s a joy to behold.

But let´s not forget the fact that the movie also manages to be pretty damn hilarious. For example, when this gang of bullies are driving around the village in a small Volkswagen, it´s pretty hard to keep from laughing. The way that they bicker and argue with each other is also pretty funny at times. It sounds pretty much the way that you and I argue with our friends. We call each other names and criticize each other´s intellectual capabilities, right? This makes it all the more horrific, when you finally realize what it is that they´ve done: that they are able to go on living life as usual. That´s one of the reasons that this remain such a haunting and bleak film.

Now, I have to mention this guy Toby Kebbel, who plays Considine´s younger brother. His character´s a bit on the slow side, if you know what I mean. That´s what gets him in trouble with the gang. They make fun of him constantly and he accepts it. He just wants to be friends with them and since he isn´t God´s brightest child, he thinks that this is what friends do to each other. This Kebbel fellow is pretty damn good in this role, too. I don´t know how he does it but Shane Meadows really knows how to cast his movies. Just look at “Made In England”, which he did after this one. It too has a perfect cast. Kebbel manages to avoid all the usual pitfalls of portraying a mentally challenged individual on screen. It´s a heartbreaking performance without the usual clichés and ticks that actors always go for, with roles like these. He´s very believable in this part and that´s one of the reason it´s such an engaging film. Apparantly Toby Kebbel has a role in Guy Ritchie´s latest caper-flick, “Rock´n´Rolla“, but I haven´t managed to see that one yet.

So, by now you should realize that this is more than just your standard revenge flick, right? It´s basically a re-modeling of “Get Carter”, set on the countryside. It´s a very British take on the genre and that´s what makes it so successful. Apparently, Considine co-wrote the script with Meadows and they did a hell of a job. They manage to let us know many things about the characters through small details. There´s no boring scenes where someone sits around explaining the two brothers relationship, they manage to get those things across with a brief conversation. I can´t wait for their next collaboration.

Now, this movie may not be for everyone. Some of you might consider this film too bleak and there´s not much sense of relief or redemption in it at all, which may rub some people the wrong the wrong way, but I love it. Meadows has the guts to show violence as something truly awful and ugly and always plays it as realistic as possible. I remember when this film was released many critics complained that it was too dark and disturbing. What the hell is up with that? I bet that the same critics are the ones that complain about movies being too violent and showing it as something funny and cool and in that way polluting the minds of young people. What´s wrong with showing violence for what it is? I can´t understand that argument.

Now, I never did join the military service myself so I can´t say that I have much experience in that field. I only know what I´ve seen in the movies, to be honest. But since I am equipped with at least one half of a functioning brain I can figure out for myself that being part of a war or armed conflict definitely takes its toll on a human being. I mean, just look at good old John Rambo! I don´t think that he´s doing that well, to be honest. I think he needs someone to talk to. That´s what makes Considine´s portrayal of Richard so believable. We don´t get to know where he´s been or what he´s done but it´s apparent that he´s a haunted man that struggles with his inner demons and isn´t that the best characters in films, huh? Who the hell wants to watch Julie Andrews running down the hills, singing with joy all day? I don´t. I also find it pretty believable that since he´s made a career out of the military, he´s trained to do the job, right? He has a mission and he goes about executing it extremely effective. That´s what someone with that background would do, right? Considine conveys all this without being too obvious or turning the character into the usual war veteran-cliché.

I´ve seen this film pop up on some “Best horror films”-lists and I can definitely understand that. I don´t think that it´s a horror movie but it flirts with the slasher genre, in the way that Richard starts picking of the bullies one by one. Hell, he even wears a mask while doing so. We all know that masks in slasher films have been done to death so what exactly does Richard decide to go with? I think that it would´ve been pretty cool if he decided to go with a Mexican wrestler mask or, considering this is a British film: a Margaret Thatcher mask! Or a facial mask, like they stick on your face when you go to a spa, with the cucumbers on the eyes and shit. That would´ve been pretty original, in my opinion.

But needless to say, he opts for something else entirely. His mask of choice turns out to be a gas mask and it´s a goddamn mystery why this one hasn´t been used more in horror films. It´s a pretty scary mask! I mean, If I were to look out through my door and see some fucker standing in the hallway wearing one of those, I don´t think I´d ever leave the house again. So good call on that one, Meadows & Considine! You managed to create an original slasher-outfit, without even making a film that belongs to the genre.

It´s not that often that we get to sympathize with the slasher, too. One of the recent examples where this occurs, that I can think of right now, is in the horror-mockumentary “Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon”. But even in that one, we have Robert Englund´s character and the girl who´s making the documentary, to root for. So this is pretty original stuff, friends.

Meadows also manage to put some drug-fuelled scenes that feel fresh in there, too. How many times have you seen a movie where the character takes some LSD and everything is seen through a colorful filter and circles starts appearing everywhere and cartoons starts speaking to the characters? Well, that doesn´t happen here. Meadows realize that a bad trip is a pretty scary thing and shows it like that. I bet that old Shane did some tripping of his own in his youth, the bastard!

So, this is a down-to-earth, realistic, gritty revenge thriller that doesn´t cheat you on its emotional content. It is definitely not an easy watch but it´s well worth it, if you´re up for it. There´s a feeling of despair running through the film which reminded me of a film noir and the humor we get is pitch black. This movie is worth seeing for Considine´s performance alone. He´s a disciplined character and although his physical appearance isn´t that scary, the rage that pours out of him from time to time, is. In the opening narration, he lets us know exactly how he feels:

“God will forgive them. He’ll forgive them and allow them into Heaven. I can’t live with that”

Not a man you want to piss off. Believe me.

So if you find yourself at home on of these cold, dark winter nights and say to yourself: “I´m in the mood for a movie… A mix between Get Carter, Death Wish, Taxi Driver and Rain Man with a dose of slasher-style horror added to it, would be great!”, then this is the film for you, friend! Just a word of advice for you god damn bullies out there: if you´re gonna pick on someone, make sure that they don´t have a brother in the military, okay? I´m just looking out for you bastards.

Until next time,

Thomas

It´s time for a first here at the Last Blog on the Left. Don´t worry, no one´s about to lose their virginity or kill someone or anything like that. Honestly, sometimes I wonder what goes through your mind. I am fairly certain that you will question my sanity because I am about to do the unspeakable: I am going to recommend a comedy to you! That is right, my friends, a comedy!?! Believe it or not but sometimes I like to have a laugh or two. I admit it. But that´s only sometimes, friends. There´s not much time for laughing here in the darkest corner of our cold, harsh world. It may also have something to do with the fact that it´s not that often that you see a comedy that will hold up for multiple viewings. I´m not gonna go into which ones that do hold up but to give you some background on what I´m talking about I will admit that I am a fan of the Judd Apatow-produced comedies of recent years. I really liked “40 Year Old Virgin” and “Knocked Up”. I thought that “Superbad” was hilarious. This brings us up to today´s recommendation: “Pineapple Express”! It stars Seth Rogen (who acted in all three of the films I just mentioned, and also co-wrote the latter) and James Franco (who most of you might recognize as Harry Osborne from the “Spiderman”-movies).

Now, I am fully aware of the fact that this film is not for all of you. Many of you will think that it is a silly, immature and over-the-top and guess what? If that´s what you think, then this movie is not for you! Sometimes life is as simple as that. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then I guess that it is a duck, right? I mean, I´m no scientist or anything but at this point in life I think that I could tell a duck from something else. A requirement for enjoying this film is that you have to like Cheech & Chong´s movies, at least a little. If you can´t stand them, then don´t even bother with this one. It´s a stoner-comedy and I´m not that fond of them usually, but this one is pretty damn funny. But it´s not only a stoner comedy, there´s some pretty good action scenes here, too and it´s one of the best “buddy”-movies in a long, long time.

Here´s what it´s about: Dale Denton (played by Rogen) serves court orders for a living and is very, very fond of lighting up a giant joint or two with his dealer friend Saul (Franco). Denton, while visiting one of his court orders targets Ted Jones (Gary Cole) witnesses the shooting of an Asian drug dealer at Jones’ home! He panics and returns to Saul´s apartment. The two of them are forced to go on the run from an insanely persistent drug lord and his accomplices, who include a corrupt cop (played by Rosie Perez) who want nothing more than to kill Denton for witnessing the crime.

So there you go, a simple enough story, right? Isn´t that what all good action movies should have? In my opinion, a really good action movie should have a simple plotline but feature complicated action scenes. The story shouldn´t be too convoluted. I think the best ones are the ones that you can sum up in a sentence or two and this one is like that. However, “Pineapple Express” doesn´t live up to its full potential regarding the action scenes but it´s a hell of a lot more better than most recent action films I´ve seen. It´s more of a throwback to the kind of action movies they used to make back in the 80´s, than anything else. You know, the kind of films we grew up on. So naturally, I liked this one. The movie it really reminded me of is the fantastic “Midnight Run” starring Robert De Niro and Charles Grodin, in the way that it doesn´t downplay the action scenes just because it primarily is a comedy. You don´t see that very often, so that makes “Pineapple Express” kind of a rare beast. It doesn´t try to cheat you on the action set-ups. Thank you for that, “Pineapple Express”! That was really nice of you, not favoring the comedy scenes over the action ones. The action genre has been in a bit of a slump the last couple of years so anything you can do to help with that genre´s self esteem is very welcome. I´ve been sending “Get well soon, Action genre!”-cards for years now but your approach is way better, “Pineapple Express”!

Now, the key to any good “buddy”-movie is that the leads have some kind of chemistry, whatever the hell that means. I guess that it means that you enjoy watching the two lead actors and that they have a good rapport. Rogen and Franco have that. In spades! The two of them go way back to the Apatow-produced TV series “Freaks and Geeks” and it shows on screen. Rogen is the kind of comedian I like. He´s not very handsome and kind of clumsy so it´s pretty easy to sympathize with him.

However, “Pineapple Express” has another couple of aces up their sleeve and one of them is James Franco. Now, I´ll admit that this is one handsome guy. He´s not as easy to sympathize with as it is with Rogen but I´ve always liked his work. I think one of the biggest mistakes of the “Spider Man”-series is that they gave the role of Peter Parker to Tobey Maguire. I know, Parker is supposed to be a nerd but honestly, he´s pretty boring to watch. They should´ve switched roles and given the Parker-role to Franco and the Harry Osborne-one to Maguire. That would´ve been so much better but does anyone listens to me when it comes to casting Hollywood blockbusters? No, they don´t! Hollywood-assholes…

Anyway, Franco´s a bit of a revelation in this one. He´s hilarious! Do you remember Brad Pitt´s character in “True Romance”, Floyd, the stoned out coach potato? He was a pretty funny character, right? Now, imagine a whole film starring Floyd. That´s pretty much what “Pineapple Express” is! Franco´s dealer, Saul, is pretty much Floyd all over again and he´s got that routine down. Franco´s part in this movie is pretty much the funniest I´ve seen all year. I haven´t gotten around to “Tropic Thunder” but I can imagine that Robert Downey, JR is pretty damn funny in that one but since I am a lazy, decadent coach potato (kinda like Floyd but with not as much dope in my system) I haven´t mustered up the energy to watch it yet. Hey, stop looking at me that way! It takes a lot of energy to keep laughing like this and I´m not a machine. I need to slip back into the darkness and set sail on the sea of misery in between the laughing hysterics. That´s how I roll, baby!

Another ace that “Pineapple Express” has up its ass is an actor named Danny McBride. I´m not sure if you know who this fucker is but he´s definitely one of the funnier actors around right now. One of the funniest scenes I´ve seen in years was in “Hot Rod”, when McBride´s character starts beating up an innocent guy while screaming “I´ve been going to church for eleven years, don´t make me bring out the demons!” Now, for those of you out there who actually watch comedies on a regular basis, you might recognize him from “Drillbit Taylor” (where he played Owen Wilson´s hobo friend) or “The Foot Fist Way”. This guy is hysterically funny. Just watch the scene in “Pineapple Express” when he brings out all the guns and Rogen and Franco are gonna take their pick. McBride´s character Red then pulls out a small handgun and says “I used to use this little gun when I was a prostitute”. Pretty funny stuff, at least in my opinion. As soon as you start joking around ´bout male prostitution, it´s a win-win-situation. You can´t go wrong with that. Or when he starts rambling about his cat´s birthday. I´m not gonna ruin any more jokes for you but there are a lot of funny scenes in this one.

Now, the thing that really got me interested in this film, except the fact that it looked like it was gonna come up good on its promise of being an actual action movie and a comedy, was the fact that the director´s name is David Gordon Green. That got me excited, not because he has a cool name, but because he is an extremely unexpected choice of a director for this kind of film. His previous movies are quirky, indie-dramas like “George Washington” and “Undertow”. Very intellectual films, friends, and as you know I´m not one to shy away from that stuff. I tackle them head on, just like the horror stuff, in the hope that it will make me a more enlightened and better human being. “Undertow” in particular is an amazing film, which I really recommend. So here was a director who I really like but he normally makes these arthouse-flicks and now he´s gonna direct an old school stoner-action-comedy! Pretty cool, so naturally I was excited.

Did it work, then? Or would´ve this film been better if it would´ve been directed by one of Jerry Bruckheimer´s bitches? Hell, no! One of the things that Green brought to the table is how the movie looks. Let me tell ya, it looks great! Green´s previous films are very rich in their look and everything is painted in very “earthy” colors and that´s true with this one, too.

He makes films with very odd and quirky characters and he really lets the actors loose here. You kinda get that feeling, like with all Apatow-produced comedies, that much of the dialogue is improvised. Many scenes are inherently silly and the dialogue concerns the most bizarre things and it´s all the funnier for it. You know how you sometimes end up at a party or at a bar with someone who´s obviously been puffing the magic dragon that evening? That´s not funny, right? That´s just excruciatingly painful and there´s nothing you can do than just sit there and drink your booze and beer until you hopefully get so drunk that you don´t care what the hippie next to you is babbling about. That´s not funny. That´s just scary. But it is very funny watching people behave like that on film, right? At least I think so. As long as you don´t have to deal with the stoned out freaks in real life, it´s funny. “Pineapple Express” is like that. These characters are pretty annoying but they´re fun as hell to watch.

One thing that sets “Pineapple Express” apart from other films in this genre is that the filmmakers have realized that movies of this kind, “Buddy”-movies, all have a certain homo-erotic subtext. I mean, come on! Look at “Lethal Weapon”! The more movies they made in that series, the more like a married couple Riggs & Murtaugh became. The only thing missing was a steaming sauna-scene where they confessed their undying love for each other. Rogen, Green & Co has realized this and it does not go unnoticed. A lot of time is spent with scenes where the characters confess their feelings for each other. The fact that they are stoned in most of these scenes makes for some pretty good comedy. The best action movies are, after all, nothing but a love story about male friendship in disguise, so thank you, “Pineapple Express” for finally shedding some light on this issue. It has been on my mind for quite a while now and I will definitely be able to sleep a lot better at night now. Thanks!

So, we´ve established that this is a pretty funny film but it´s also smart enough to play around with some standard action movie-conventions. The fact that one of the film´s bad guys, the dirty cop, is played by Rosie Perez, is pretty cool. Nah, come to think of it, it´s fucking genius! I don´t know if you remember her, it´s been a while since I saw her in anything and apparently someone forgot to tell her to age during those years. She looks exactly the same as she did ten years ago. It´s kinda freaky, actually. Anyway, she can be pretty damn annoying with her voice but she´s great in this one. The scenes with her and Gary Cole are very amusing! I´ve always had a weak spot for ever since she starred in the fantastic “Perdita Durango”. There´s a movie for you to check out, ya big freak! You haven´t lived life to its fullest until you´ve seen “Perdita Durango” aka “Dance with the Devil”. That´s the truth, baby!

So, if you´re unable to draw your own conclusions, I´m gonna spell it out for you: you should definitely watch this one. It´s funny. I don´t know what else to say. I will give you a word of warning, though: it´s an extremely loud film. There´s a lot of shouting, screaming and shooting so if you have a blazing hangover after a night out on the town, of dancing and romancing, maybe this one isn´t the best film to watch. It´ll probably split your skull in half. You know, kinda like the feelings did to Bruce Springsteen in “I´m on fire”.

So there you have it, folks. This is a good one. I was pretty disappointed after watching the latest Coen brothers-flick, “Burn After Reading”, because I realized that I was pretty tired of watching stupid characters doing stupid things. I mean, they´ve been doing that for more than twenty years now and the best movies they´ve done are still the thriller ones, like “Blood Simple”, “Miller´s Crossing”, “Fargo” and “No Country For Old Men”. Hell, I don´t think that they will ever be able to top “No Country…” and knowing the Coen brothers modus operandi, I knew that “Burn After Reading” wasn´t gonna be a great film. They always make these kind of “middle”-movies after unleashing a masterpiece like “Miller´s Crossing” and “No Country For Old Men”. But anyway, it was kinda depressed after watching it because of all the stupid, stupid characters doing stupid, stupid things and I didn´t think that it was funny. But then my faith in life was restored when I watched “Pineapple Express”. Seems I still can enjoy watching stupid-as-hell characters doing stupider-than-thou-things!

You can put that in your pipe and smoke it, baby!

Until next time,

Thomas

Here´s the deal: I don´t mind the straight-to-DVD releases that the companies churn out, or “only on DVD” as they call them nowadays, as if that´s going to trick anyone. Like some dude is gonna wander the aisles of his local DVD store and see “Leprechaun 8: At the mall” and think: “Hey, it´s only on DVD! I guess it was so damn good that they released it only on DVD so that people could get this into their homes as soon as possible. They didn´t wanna hide this masterpiece from the people. That must be it! ´Cause if I had seen this in the theatre, the wait until it was released on DVD would´ve been excruciating. Thank you, studio bosses, for releasing this only on DVD!”

I don´t think it´s gonna go down that way. It´s still a straight to DVD-release, no matter how you market it. I´m not trying to fool you into believing that there is not an unbelievable amount of crap being released on DVD, especially in the horror genre. But you know what? I don´t mind that. I don´t watch nearly as many of those releases as I did back in my decadent youth, when you still could match movies in the middle of the day. I´m not as patient anymore, I guess. However, I do try to check out the straight-to-DVD-sequels to films with bigger budgets and with more well known casts. I still enjoy that. It´s like watching those porno-spoofs of real movies. Unfortunately, I don´t do that very often anymore but I´ve seen some pretty good ones in my day. “Shaving Ryan´s Private” was a good one. Ah, the memories…

But, every now and again I stumble across a straight-to-DVD horror that seems genuinely interesting, even if it is a sequel. That´s why the other day, I sat down to watch “Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead”. It looked like it could be fun. It´s the sequel to “Joy Ride”, starring Pretty Boy Paul Walker and Steve Zahn. You know, it´s the one that stole its premise from “Duel”? The one where they were being chased by an insane trucker who kept talking to them on their CB-radio? That was a pretty good film. It was a directed by John Dahl and he knows what he´s doing. He directed “The Last Seduction” (hey, what the hell happened to Linda Fiorentino? I like her so please bring her back. Please?), “Rounders” and “Red Rock West”. He knows his noir. However, as is befitting when it comes to straight-to-DVD-releases, the director of the sequel is a lesser known fellow. That doesn´t mean that he is without talent or merit. Au contraire, my dear friend. The director of the second installment in this trucker-saga is none other than Louis Mourneau, the director of such fine films as “Retroactive”, “Made Men” and “Bats”. He´s also proved that he is able to make an entertaining film within the straight-to-DVD-sequels confines when he directed “The Hitcher II”, starring C. Thomas Howell and Jake Busey. That one was much more entertaining than it had any right to be. That was basically the reason why I was interested in this one. I hadn´t heard of any of the actors. Apparently, one of the guys had had a role on an annoying sitcom starring Kelly from “Beverly Hills 90210”, but I don´t watch that shit so I´m not sure. You have to imdb him if you really wanna know. But I´m guessing you don´t, ´cause you wanna hear about the guts and the gore, right? So, who the hell am I to keep that from you? Here we go. Buckle up, so to speak (get it? I just made an allusion to driving a car since that´s what the movie is about. God, I´m good).

So what´s it about? Well, it has absolutely nothing to do with the original except for the character of Rusty Nail. That´s it! And unfortunately, where the original was a fun, slick, unpredictable ride of a film this one has none of that. One of the worst things is that all of Mourneau´s previous films have had pretty good photography, despite their low budgets. He´s still managed to twist a stylish look out of them. But not with this one. This looks like shit. I´ve taken photos in the middle of the night, with no flash while being drunk as hell, that´s looked better than this film. Louis, what the hell are you doing? When it comes to films being shot on DV, we´ve come a long way in the last couple of years. When filmmakers started using the format, it looked like hell but now I can´t tell the different formats apart. Usually, that is. Not in this case. It looks like about as slick as a haircut performed by a blind man.

One of the giveaways that this is a Louis Mourneau-flick is that there´s a couple of funny lines. For example, when our protagonists walk into a diner, a trucker that they pass says to his friend: “I´ve got a bodacious case of beaver fever!” I thought that was a pretty hilarious way of saying that you´re feeling horny. Another trucker says to the lead girl (I can´t even muster up the energy to check out what her name is. You do it, smartass!): “Your titties are too small anyways, I like them super mongo jugs!” That´s the kind of dialogue I´ve come to love and expect from a Mourneau-joint.

Another thing that really, really made me sad was the fact that during the credits I noticed that the music was by a man called Joe Kraemer. You might not know who this guy is but he is responsible for one of my all-time favorite soundtracks, “The Way of the Gun”! It´s a fantastic score, so I figured that “Hey, Mourneau is directing and Kraemer´s doing the score! This is gonna be one of the best straight-to-DVD-releases ever!” Well, pretty soon I forgot all about Kraemer. The score was your basic, generic, keyboard horror-score. Then about an hour into the film, I was struck by how cheesy and lame the music was and then I remembered: “Is this the work of Joe fucking Kraemer?” My heart died a little bit more there and then.

So, that´s how I spent my evening. I don´t wanna scare you too bad, it´s just that I might´ve raised my expectations a bit too much for this one. Don´t do that when you´re about to watch a straight-to-DVD-release. It´ll always end badly for you. So lower your expectations and down a drink or five before watching this one and then you might just have a good time. Hey, at least it´s better than “Wild Things 2” & “3” (yeah, I watched those, too. Sue me!) so it´s not all bad.

But I still haven´t given up hope on you, Louis Mourneau! You deserve better than this and I will be here waiting for you until you give me something more. “Retroactive” was a straight-to-DVD-release too so you have no excuse for not making great films. I know you have it in you. You can do better.

So there you have it. You win some and you lose some. What´s life without a gamble or two? Just ask Kenny Rogers. You can´t really appreciate the good straight-to-DVD-flicks, if you don´t sit through the bad ones. Now all of a sudden, “Starship Troopers 3: Marauder” seems so much better. And “Wrong Turn 2: Dead End”. And “Bloodrayne II: Deliverance”. Nah, just kidding about that last one.

Until next time: take scare & stay ghoul,

Thomas