Last Blog On The Left

Here´s the deal: if you haven´t seen this one, you probably shouldn´t read this. Go watch the movie instead and then read this, so that you can marvel at my fantastic opinions and poignancy. That´s what you should do, ok? Now that we´ve gotten rid of those fuckers, we who´ve actually taken the time to sit down and watch this film can begin. Here´s how it is: my life is in a state of turmoil right now. I´m pretty pissed off. I´m pretty sad, too. I have experienced something that I´ve never previously have. “What? What? Please, do tell” you say. Well, I will tell you but I warn you. This is gonna be some extremely painful stuff. But that´s why I´m here: to help you in your daily movie-watching experience and I am not one to shy away from the brutal truth. I pull up my sleeves and wade through the piles of straight-to-DVD releases, and separate the good ones form the downright crappy ones.

So what is it I´ve been through? I was really put through the wringer this time, let me tell you. Here´s how it is: there aren´t that many things that you can´t count on in life. One of the things that you sure as shit can depend on are the fact that every year you get a little bit older, right? You lose a little more hair and gain a little more weight, okay? We can all agree on that and I don´t have a problem with that. Some things are constant and one of the things that have been pretty stable in my life is the fact that ever since I was 14 years old and saw Guillermo Del Toro´s feature film debut “Cronos”, I have been depending on this man for extraordinary celluloid-experiences. He has an amazing mind and a visual eye unlike any other director working today. He´s got me hooked and I need my fix every year or so. And you know what? Lovers have left, hearts have been crushed through the years but Del Toro has never let me down.

Year after year, he kept delivering movie upon movie, the other better than the previous one. After “Cronos” there was his English language debut, “Mimic”. I remember seeing that one in the theatre and thought it was a great monster movie, filled with tension, mood and atmosphere. Oh, and Mira Sorvino! That´s always a plus. At least in my book, it is. I know that you haven´t read that book but it´s a pretty good one. It´s filled with names of good looking actresses and then there´s a plus or minus-sign next to their names. Sounds pretty good, right?

Anyway, after “Mimic”, he went back to Mexico to direct the fantastic ghost story “The Devil´s Backbone”. A truly great film! How great, you ask. Well, in one scene a character has sex with a one legged woman. That´s how great it is. Pretty weird stuff but that´s good old Guillermo for you, right there. Then it was time for “Blade II”. Now, I liked the first “Blade”. I thought it was a great action movie and I completely changed my mind about Wesley Snipes after seeing that one. Before that, he was just that dude who had done small roles in “King of New York” and then that “Passenger 57”-movie, which I liked when I was 13. That was what I thought about Snipes but after “Blade” he emerged as one of the baddest of all asses in Hollywood. I mean, come on and watch the damn movies! He growls his way through those films and is pretty much perfect in every god damn scene. Hell, he even has Kris Kristofferson as his sidekick. Imagine how insanely tough you have to be to have one of the coolest country singers ever as your sidekick? For example, in one scene Kristofferson´s character Whistler crashes through a wall with two machine guns and massacres a bunch of vampires but not before asking them “Catch you at a bad time, fuckers?” That´s how cool he is. So, number one is a pretty damn good action flick, right? But somehow, despite the fact that I really liked the first one, I was not at all prepared for the masterpiece that is “Blade II”. It is one of the greatest sequels ever made! People go on and on about “The Godfather part II” and “The Empire Strikes Back” and I´ll admit that yeah, they´re pretty good movies but in no way do they hold a candle to the awesomeness of “Blade II”. One of the best action films… period!

So, where the hell do you go from there? If your name is Guillermo Del Toro, you apparently make a movie about a bizarre comic book character with big chopped off horns that the Average Joe have never heard of, and then turn it into a huge success. “Hellboy” was a great comic book movie, without a doubt. One of my all time favorites, as a matter of fact. After that one, he went back to Mexico and created his masterpiece: “Pan´s Labyrinth”! Words cannot describe this fantastic film. That´s why I won´t even try except for the fact that it´s absolutely stunning, scary, poetic and beautiful. A near-perfect film, in my opinion.

That´s quite a run, huh? When the hell is it gonna end? The sad thing is that I think it has. This brings us up to date. His latest film is “Hellboy II: The Golden Army”, which I sat down to watch the other night. After the first one and “Pan´s Labyrinth” I had lowered my expectations quite a bit. I realized that this one wasn´t gonna be as good as the first one but it´s fricking Hellboy, for chrissakes! And Del Toro! And Ron Perlman! Who am I kidding, it´s gonna be great, I told myself. Well, it wasn´t. I was pretty disappointed. Wait just a second while I go get my napkins and I´ll tell you why.

For the first time Del Toro has created a film that doesn´t feel like a “Guillermo Del Toro”-film. It feels more like a Tim Burton-rip off. That was the first thing me and my friend noticed when the credits started rolling and Danny Elfman´s music came crashing out of the speakers. So, we weren´t off to a good start. But in no way were we gonna let this discourage us. No way, Sir! But it was pretty alarming when, for the first time, a Del Toro-film felt derivative.

Then we got a weird prologue with Hellboy as a kid and John Hurt reprising his role as his father, while he reads him a bedtime story, which to be honest is pretty inappropriate for a kid his age. Call me conservative but I thought it was pretty grim stuff. But then again, I´ve never tried to raise a red demon kid from hell, so I don´t know what the hell you read to these little fuckers at night. They probably get off on the guts and the gore but seriously, John Hurt! I know that it was pretty cool to hear you read a story again. It brought back fond memories of that “The Storyteller”-series I used to watch when I was a kid, so thank you for that but no wonder Hellboy has some issues thanks to the stuff you read to him as a kid. You´re not gonna win any “Dad of the year”-awards that way. The young Hellboy looks pretty crappy, too. I´m not sure if it was a weird-looking kid in makeup or some CGI-animated shit but it did not look good. We were off to a bumpy start. Besides, that whole story that not-so-super-nanny John Hurt tells, is shown in some crappy computer animated style. At one time I wondered if it wasn´t a Uwe Boll-film we accidently had slipped into the DVD tray. Turned out it was the right film, after all.

Then we got to meet the villain, Prince Nuada. He´s played by Luke Goss. He was in a lousy eighties pop band called Bros. It was him and guess who… his brother! You didn´t see that one coming, did ya? Anywho, this guy has had some roles in some pretty decent films and he´s not a bad actor. He was great in “Blade II” but not in this one (he was the lead vampire who´s whole face split open like a big vagina with big teeth). He kinda sucks, to be honest. At least in “Blade II” he really did suck. Blood, that is (Jesus Christ, sometimes I crack myself up) He´s not scary. Not at all. He´s one of the blandest villains I´ve ever seen. And the girl who plays his sister is so uninteresting it hurt my eyes. She´s so pale that I thought I could see right through her. What the hell, Del Toro? What´s going on? Are you on crack, or what? I´ve noticed that you lost a lot of weight recently. You haven´t been hitting the old crack pipe, have you? I´m just looking out for you. I care about you, Guillermo. But I have to be honest, at this point in the movie-watching experience, I was getting pretty… what´s the word… unenthusiastic!

Anyway, then Abe Sapien enters the movie, you know the human fish guy. He was a great character in the first one, much thanks to David Hyde Pierce´s fantastic voice-work. That was truly a great match between the character´s look and his voice. But when he speaks in this one, guess what happens? Nothing at all! He has a completely different voice! A bad imitation of David Hyde Pierce, is what it is! Now I was beginning to lose my faith completely. Why the hell didn´t you use Hyde Pierce again, Guillermo? I mean, he´s not playing Niles on “Frasier”, is he? I know he isn´t ´cause that damn show hasn´t been on the air for years now and it´s not like he´s doing a lot of leads in different films, is it? So why the hell couldn´t you lure him into the recording booth to lay down a voice-over, Guillermo? How hard could it be? He would´ve nailed that sucker in an afternoon. Did he demand an insane amount of money or what? I´m gonna need some answers here.

But in some kind of weird way of making up for that, Del Toro has roped in this fucking guy Seth McFarlane to voice the character of Johann Krauss. I don´t know if you´re familiar with this guy but McFarlane is the guy who makes a ton of voices on this god damn cartoon show “American Dad”. I´ve seen it on the tube now and again but I don´t watch that animated shit. I´ve seen a couple of minutes here and there but I can´t stand it. I can´t watch “The Simpsons” either. If it´s animated, I´m outta there. That´s how I roll, baby! But now I was forced to sit there for two fucking hours and listen to this guy McFarlane slaughter this character by doing a German accent that´s about as subtle as Mel Brooks imitating Hitler. Not my idea of a good time. Once again, what the fuck, Guillermo?

Then we have the sequence where our heroes go into the underworld and ends up at the Troll Market. This is one of the films big set-pieces and the make-up is pretty extraordinary but the sequence is not. All of a sudden, the movie I was watching turned into a fucking “Harry Potter”-movie? It reminded me too much of that damn alley where the wizards go to buy their groceries or prostitutes or whatever the hell it is that they buy in those movies. There were lots of quirky characters and some weird-looking creature playing an instrument, which reminded me of the Mos Eisley cantina band (the redux-version!). I don´t know, this sequence rubbed me the wrong way. When a sequence reminds of a fucking “Harry Potter” movie and then that crappy added scenes from the “Star Wars”-films, it´s not a good thing. Needless to say, I was beginning to lose my faith in this film. Sweet Lord, have mercy…

One of the good things about it is the fact that it has Selma Blair in it. I like her. She´s a cool actress who makes cool movies. Unfortunately, her character has absolutely nothing to do so she´s completely wasted. And let´s not kid each other here, gentlemen… she´s pretty damn good looking. Unfortunately, Del Toro decided to give her some kinda weird looking new wave haircut with bangs on only one side. What the hell is up with that? So good call on that, Del Toro! You wasted the one good thing the movie had going for it so far.

The relationship between Hellboy and Liz is pretty uninteresting in this one, too. In the first one we had Hellboy trying to win her heart and Blair did an excellent job in conveying Liz´s sadness. That´s all gone! In this one all she does in whine and complain about how Hellboy has to “give her more space”. What the hell, is this “The Bold and the Beautiful” I´m watching here? Not that interesting or entertaining to watch. If I wanted to watch shit like that, I could just go out and get myself a life, right? I think that´s the mistake many sequels make: giving the characters a happy family life! That´s when it gets boring. The hero should always be striving for a happier life and pining for love, not be tangled up in domestic squabbles. Remember the “Lethal Weapon”-movies? Of course you do, you´re not retarded, are you? But do you remember the fourth one? When Martin “psychotic cop on the verge of suicide” Riggs had a god damn baby and wife? That sucked. This was the guy who jumped off a building in the first one and stared into death´s eye in the sequels and now we get to watch him argue over which brand of diapers he and his annoying wife are gonna buy for their screaming eating-and-shitting-machine they call their kid. Nobody wants that in an action movie! That´s pretty much how I felt about the characters arc in “Hellboy II”.

And then we have the final scene of the movie. If you haven´t seen it, you should maybe skip this paragraph. I´m gonna give away the ending here. I´m just that kinda guy. When Hellboy finally confronts that god damn Golden Army that we´ve been hearing about the whole movie. Our expectations were pretty high. At least the final fight was gonna be spectacular, right? Wrong! The end scene has the same amount of tension and sense of excitement as the Clone fight at the end of “The Phantom Menace”. Jesus Christ, watching a nerd play a computer game on youtube is more exciting than this. Turns out the infamous Golden Army looks like a bunch of freaking Lego-toys! Unbelievable. And then to cap the whole mess off, Liz tells Hellboy that she´s pregnant. Yiipiie, now we can watch them change diapers and complain about their lack of sleep in part III. I´m telling you, it does not bode well for the future of Hellboy.

As you can hear, I was pretty disappointed with this one. Maybe I´ll like it better a few years from now. Maybe it´s too soon to rule a verdict on this one… I´m sure that if I watch it again, I´ll like it better but I just can´t help myself right now! My heart is like an open wound. If this was any other director, I would´ve thought it was a good movie but I expect so much more from my man Del Toro. I´ve been through a lot of shit in my life, I´ve lost loved ones and whatnot but this, my friends… this takes the prize. This movie lacks the great set-pieces of the first one. There´s no scene in this one that equals the fight in the subway from the first one. Or the one where Hellboy spies on Liz and the federal agent from a rooftop.

I don´t know if I´ll ever recover. Now Del Toro is off to direct those damn “Hobbit”-movies, so he´s probably gonna be busy with that until the end of year 2034 and all I am left with is the memory of this film. Hell, I´m not even that fond of those god damn “Lord of the Ring”-films. I did not see what was so great about them. Except for Viggo Mortensen. He was pretty good in ´em but he´s not even gonna be in those damn “Hobbit-films, so there´s a couple of wasted years, right there. That sucks! At least I feel a little better now that I´ve gotten this stuff of my bruised chest. I´m gonna go hit the bottle now and try to drown my sorrow. Don´t worry if you, in a couple of weeks, meet a tall guy, who hasn´t shaved in a while, in dirty clothes with a Vodka bottle in his hand, shuffling down the rainy streets, mumbling “Why, Guillermo? Why, oh why?”… that´s just me.

Thanks for listening and until next time (if there is one): stay ghoul & take scare, fiends!

Thomas

This film is sort of a “Guilty pleasure” of mine. I remember seeing this on television when I was about eleven years old and it was one of the coolest things I´d ever seen. I remember that on that particular Saturday night, I wanted to wear a worn-out trench coat, beat up bad guys who are in the habit of kidnapping young girls who sounds exactly like Bonnie Tyler when they sing. In other words, just like Michael Paré in “Streets of Fire”! Needless to say, this was one of my childhood dreams that didn´t fully pan out. The only thing that I have in common with Michael Paré nowadays is the fact that we both have been younger, more good looking and both our lives held bigger promises. Today, Michael Paré makes films with Uwe Boll and I sit around watching them. That´s the way it goes, folks. That´s why it´s so hard to believe that once upon a time Paré was a really cool cat! I´m not kidding! Just watch “Streets of Fire” and say that you don´t agree… I dare you!

“Streets of Fire” is one of those movies that whenever I watch it, I am painfully aware of the fact that it is not a great film but I still enjoy the hell out of it. It´s a pretty cheesy action flick. But hey, it was made back in 1984, a year in the middle of a decade that is practically defined by its lack of good taste. Some of you might have some difficulties in understanding my fascination with this film, but there comes a time in every man´s life when he has to take a stand for the things that he believes are pure, good and right in this world. Much like Paré´s character Tom Cody does in “Streets of Fire” and that time has come for me now. I´ll make my stand and defend “Streets of Fire”! It´s a fun movie and anyone who says otherwise is a damn fool. I know that the songs are incredibly dated, you´re not sure when the film actually takes place and the streets upon which this film takes place are strangely not made of fire but of concrete but hey, I don´t care! Some might say that that right there is false advertising but I´ve learned to live with it. The film is filled with a strange mix of 50´s props within a decaying urban setting, but that´s part of its charm.

It has one other thing going for it. It was directed by Walter Hill. Once upon a time Hill was a force to be reckoned with and if you grew up during the 80´s, his films were pretty much the coolest films around, at least if you were a little kid back then. First of all, we have to thank the man for producing one of the greatest films ever made: “Alien”! That right there oughtta be enough for any non-believers. He also managed to direct some of the more entertaining, muscular, macho-filled action-flicks during the 70´s and 80´s. How´s this for a resumé: “Hard Times” (a film starring both Charles Bronson and James Coburn, two faces so hard that they make Mount Rushmore blush in comparison), “The Driver” (a minimalistic action film about a getaway-driver influenced by Jean-Pierre Melville), “Extreme Prejudice” (starring Nick Nolte and a stir crazy Powers Boothe), “Southern Comfort” (a “Deliverance”-influenced story set in Cajun-country) and of course, “The Warriors” ( nuff´ said!). As you can see, back then Mr. Hill was on a roll. That´s why he brought a flair to “Streets of Fire” that´s pretty hard to resist. Much can be said about the poster, pictured here above. It´s not a fantastic work of art, I´ll agree, but it´s a pretty good description of the film. I mean come on, how can you not like a film with the tagline “Tonight is what it means to be young”? The colors of the poster actually agrees with the film, since Hill drowns the streets in rain (again, how the hell could there be any fire on those wet streets?) and neon lights. I know that Hill himself has described the film as a comic book movie and that´s the best description I´ve heard of it. He oughtta know, since he directed the damn thing. It´s an over-the-top, explosive, comic book movie filled with characters that are larger than life.

Paré´s character, Tom Cody, is a pretty mythical character that owes more than his trench coat and squint to both Humphrey Bogart and Clint Eastwood´s Man with no name-character. The story (Paré goes after his ex-girlfriend who has been kidnapped by a motorcycle gang) owes more than a nod to classic westerns, where the Indians have been replaced by bikers. Oh, and the leader of the biker gang is played by a young Willem Dafoe and he really chews the scenery in this one. He has to, because his character´s name is Raven Shaddock. If your mother names you that, you don´t have much choice but to choose the criminal path in life, right? I bet that young Raven Shaddock was the leader of his own tricycle-gang when he was four years old, stealing other kids lunch money and whatnot.

For those of you out there still reading and waiting for some kind of horror connection, here it is: the thing is that after 24 long years, “Streets of Fire” is getting a sequel! Michael Paré is stepping back into the boots of Tom Cody and the new film is called “Road to Hell” and it is in post-production, as we speak. Sounds pretty cool, right? When I read it I nearly wet my pants with excitement. I could feel my palms getting more and more and sweaty, until… I read the name of the director… a man named Albert… Albert Pyun.

If you´re not familiar with the work of this director, you should consider yourself lucky. He did some entertaining films back in the day, like the first “Nemesis”, “Knights” and “Postmortem”. Those are about the only films that he´s made that you can sit through. His other films are dreadful! The last one I saw was “Left for Dead”, supposedly a “horror”-western if you are to believe Pyun himself. The thing is that it´s not horrific in the least and the western-setting doesn´t work that well, when you decide to film it in Argentina. An awful mess of a movie to say the least, fiends…

The thing is this: I want Pyun to succeed. He´s the kind of an underdog that I love to root for. He makes his films with next-to-zero-budget and he keeps churning them out. That´s pretty admirable, isn´t it? At least he gets the films made. I want to like him, but he has made it incredibly difficult for me the last couple of years. But here´s what he told fangoria.com about his “Streets of Fire”-sequel:

“It’s not standard horror, because we go deeper into the characters and how they arrived at this point in their lives. The true horror is how life can create monsters when things go awry. Disappointment, disillusionment and bitterness fuel the horror in ROAD TO HELL. That makes the shocks and terror far more disturbing.”

That sounds pretty promising, right? Could it be that Albert has gotten his act together somehow and actually managed to produce an awesome movie? I hope so. I really do. Deep inside, I know that I will be disappointed but here´s the thing: no matter how weary and jaded you get about things in life (love, work, politics etc.), I never stop hoping when it comes to straight-to-DVD-flicks. That´s the one area in life where I´ve managed to maintain the enthusiasm of a ten year old boy. That is why I´m ready to give Albert Pyun one more chance. I have said that many times in the past but I´m telling you, Albert, this is the last one. If you go and drag Michael Paré into soiling the good name and legacy of “Streets of Fire”, I will start dealing drugs and kidnapping girls like Raven Shaddock, just so I can earn enough money to put a contract out on your head! I´m keeping my fingers crossed, but I´m telling you… “Road to Hell” better be entertaining. Especially since I´ve already pre-booked my copy of the limited edition DVD on your goddamn website. Who´s gonna break the news to my mother that she did, in fact, raise a sucker?

Until next time, fiends: take scare & stay ghoul!

Thomas

Hey, you and me, we´re horror movie fans, right? Hell, I guess that we´re what they´d call “horror fanatics”, right? But if you were to be completely honest, when was the last time a film really horrified you? The last time a film really made you uncomfortable and squeamish? It´s been a while, right? It doesn´t happen that often nowadays due to the fact that we´ve become a bit jaded, to say the least, right? I´ve found that in the last couple of years, the movies that really frightens me are ones that doesn´t belong to the horror genre. I´m not talking about the latest Rob Schneider- comedy, although that can be pretty damn horrific!

No Sir, the movies that really get to me are the ones that play it as realistic as possible. That´s when it gets scary. I thought that “There Will Be Blood” was a pretty scary film. “Deliverance” still gets me. And then last week, I sat down to watch this Russian war movie called “Come and See”.

It was made back in 1985 and I´ve read about on various “Best movie”-lists through the years but I´ve never gotten around to watching it, ´cause let´s face it: a Russian Second World War movie isn´t exactly my idea of a good time. You can do the math yourself: it´s bound to be a pretty rough experience, right? The Russians aren´t exactly know for the comedies so I figured this one will be kinda hard to sit through. So, you know, I´d been putting it off for quite a while. The DVD has been sitting on my shelf for well over a year but I´d never been in the mood for a two and half hour long Russian war inferno. But then I had one of those days. You know, when it feels like the whole world is conspiring against you and you feel like you could take on anything ´cause it can´t get any worse. That´s when I sat down to watch “Come and See”. Things couldn´t get any worse so I felt mentally prepared for this one.

Well, I wasn´t. I don´t think anybody ever can be prepared for the full on assault of images and sounds that this film attacks you with. Jesus Christ, this is one rough experience and if you think that “Apocalypse Now” portrays the madness and insanity of war, you should check this one out. I can honestly say that every other war movie I´ve ever seen pales in comparison to this one. “Full Metal Jacket”, “Saving Private Ryan” and “Apocalypse Now”: that´s all make believe! They don´t come close to the sheer intensity and brutality of this film. When the film was over, I was speechless.

The film follows a young boy named Florya, who is thrust into the brutal world of Second World War when joining the Partisan army. After a while, he is left behind and forced to fend for himself in this harsh environment.

That´s about it. There´s not much of a plot, to be honest, but this is not the kind of film that relies on plot. It consists of different vignettes where we see things through Florya´s eyes. This is basically a coming-of-age story but let me tell ya, it´s not “Stand By Me” we´re watching here. This is a different beast, altogether.

I´m not much of a history buff but I do know that the Belorussian war was one of the most brutal. “Come and See” doesn´t shy away from that fact. On the contrary, it bombards you with images that will stick with you for a very, very long time. I have to say that you shouldn´t try to watch this film unless you are a bit of desensitized, like myself. The boy Florya starts out as an innocent child, willing to join the army and do his part for his country but as the film progresses, his sweet face becomes more and more devoid of sanity and looks like he has aged a lifetime in just a couple of days. This is stuff that´ll stick with you, friends. It´s pretty hardcore.

There´s definitely a couple of scenes that I will never forget. Now, there´s no big set-pieces like the Omaha-beach scene at the beginning of “Saving Private Ryan” but there´s some pretty elaborate scenes that are huge in its scope. There´s one long scene that involves the destruction of a Russian village that will definitely take its toll on the viewer. There´s another unforgettable scene when Florya and his friend escape from their village and discover that the people, who lived there, have all been killed and stacked behind the houses.

As if it wasn´t enough with these images, Klimov manages to terrorize you with the sound design, as well. It is one of the most menacing movies I´ve ever heard!

I don´t know how to describe this film in a way that does it justice. The only thing I can do is recommend you to see it. It would be meaningless for me to describe many of the images that director Klimov paints for the viewer. Most of them defy description. “An image says more than a thousand words” and all that crap. Let me just say this: if you thought that “Schindler´s List” was a hard watch, you ain´t seen nothing yet.

This is harrowing, brutal, surreal, hallucinogenic experience. It´s been quite a while since I saw a film as powerful as this one. I think that you should definitely see it but be forewarned, it´s not a relaxing, pleasant experience. You probably should pick this one up if you´re going on a date with a girl you don´t know too well, either. That might give her the wrong idea about you. I know, if you´re gonna date an intellectual art chick, a Russian war film from the eighties might impress her, but you´re definitely not gonna get any after you´re done. You´re better off with something else, trust me. Something not quite as bleak, brutal and devastating as this. Maybe something starring Ben Stiller but then again, what the hell do I know? You probably know your girl better than I do. Hopefully.

Unfortunately, as powerful as this movie is, Klimov softens his punch at the end when he cuts to real footage of the war. I´m not saying that these images are soft, or anything like that, they´re extremely powerful but I think that the movie would have been better without them. He overstates the message he wants to convey a bit, there. But then again, nobody´s perfect, are they? Klimov has still managed to create an undeniable masterpiece. If you were able to place a camera in the bowels of hell, this is what it would look like!

I don´t know if I´ll ever see this one again but I´m glad I finally did see it. It is unlike anything I have ever seen and if you´re up for it, check it out! Just brace yourself before you do it. It´s a heart wrenching experience. If you consider yourself a film buff, you have to see this one. This might be the definitive war movie.

Until next time,

Thomas

I remember back in the late 90´s, when all those horror movies from Japan started finding their way over here. Those were some happy days, man! I thought that they were the best goddamn thing to happen to horror since they invented Dracula. I ate them up. Kinda like sliced bread, which is a pretty cool invention, too. “Ring” was a masterpiece, I thought. Then all of a sudden you didn´t have to seek out those obscure Japanese horror tales because before you knew it, J-Horror was all the rage! It was the new black, for chrissakes and everything and everyone was influenced by it. I was a fan for a long time. I loved the way that Japanese horror films relied on mood, instead of a half assed slasher-character. It was a breath of fresh air in the world of a horror obsessed young man. Then I was introduced into the fucked up, twisted world of Takashi Miike. Now, if you´re not familiar with his work, you´re in for a treat. If the Japanese horror films relied on mood, Takashi´s films relied on all-out shock effects. His now classic “Audition” defies all description. It has been much imitated but it still holds up and it´s a film that´ll slap you in the face harder than a drunken sailor on a Saturday night.

But isn´t this what happens every time there´s a new trend in horror? Before we can say “original movies”, there´s a flood of bad imitations invading the inner reaches of your mind. That´s why I have to say that I´m a bit tired of small girls with long, black hair that covers their face. Get a goddamn scissor, girls! I don´t know what it is about the Japanese and hair. It can´t be a lucrative business being a hairdresser over there. Guys aren´t gonna go for that look. I know that I like to see a girl´s face. Call me weird but that´s just the way I work.

And then the good old US of A started getting hip to what was going on over in the land of the rising sun so we started getting all those American remakes and wherever you looked there was a damn black haired girl lurking in a well or crawling down the stairs with a contorted body. That still can´t take away from the fact that those original films are pretty damn great. Hell, I even thought that the remake of “The Ring” was very good. In fact, I think it´s one of the best remakes there is. Creepy as hell. I´m probably also one of the few people on this godforsaken planet who enjoyed the “Dark Water” remake, starring Jennifer Connelly. I don´t care what you say. Spit in my face, drag my name in the mud, I don´t care. I enjoyed it.

The thing I´m getting at is that Japan had a great run with those horror flicks. They found a thing that worked and they ran with it. Many of those movies had a boldness to them and many of the filmmakers had the guts to genuinely challenge the boundaries of cinematic good taste and that, my friends, is something that we should be grateful for. I still like a good Japanese horror flick every now and then, I´m just a bit tired of the whole concept at the moment. Maybe in a couple of years I can look at this whole thing a bit more subjectively.

So there´s the background. That´s most of the story of my love affair with asian cinema. I left out some parts, like my fascination with “Beat” Takeshi in my teens, but you get the gist of it, right? However, it´s been a while since I saw a good movie coming out of Japan. Takashi Miike´s still going strong and he´s still a weird fuck. “Sukiyaki Western Django” was a fun film but it wasn´t a masterpiece. It seems to me that the place to be in Asia right now, cinematically speaking, is Korea. They are churning out some pretty great films, right under your noses. Wake up and smell the oriental flavored tea, people!

I guess it started, for me and many others, a couple of years back when “Old Boy” was released. I don´t care what you say ´cause that film is a frickin´ masterpiece. It´s one of the few films that I could watch once a week and not grow tired of it. The director, Chan Wook Park, did it as the second installment in a trilogy most commonly known as the “Vengeance”-trilogy. The first one was “Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance” and the third one was “Sympathy for Lady Vengeance”. Now, you who have been reading my ramblings know that I´m a sucker for anything that has to do with vengeance and revenge, so I´m not even gonna describe how great these films are. If I were to do it, I might say that they are “sensationally good” and “goddamn awesome” or “one of the greatest trilogies ever” and stuff like that. But I´m not gonna do that, so you won´t have to read it.

Anyway, that was when my eyes opened up to Korea as a movie-producing nation. We´ve had many great films come out from there since then. “The Host” was one of the better monster spectacles of recent years and “A Bittersweet Life” was a good one, too.

Then, a couple of months back I started hearing some stuff about this film called “The Chaser”. Apparently, Leonardo DiCaprio had bought the rights to remake this sucker. “Okay”, I figured. The guy was involved in remaking “Infernal Affairs” as “The Departed” and that turned out pretty damn good, so I´m not gonna rule it out just yet. But let´s face it, not many guys are into Leonardo Di-fucking-Caprio. Admitting that you think he´s sort of a good actor, is kinda like saying that you like “Sex & The City”, if you´re a guy. It´s not gonna score points with your male friends. Nobody likes a guy who´s into chick-flicks and let´s face it, DiCaprio was in the mother ship of chick-flicks: “Titanic”! But you know what, I think that it´s kinda good. It´s not a great film but it´s definitely entertaining and I´m not above giving a guy a second chance. DiCaprio has not been a favorite of mine but I think he´s made some interesting career choices the last couple of years. He´s not gone the easy route and made the teen-blockbusters that he could´ve done after the success with that movie about the ship who hit the iceberg and where he died at the end (oops! Sorry if I gave away the ending). He did “Gangs of New York” and “The Aviator” with Martin Scorsese and he was great in the latter one. He also did “The Beach” but I´ve erased that horrible film from my memory so I don´t know what you´re talking about. Which beach are you talking about? You´re crazy, man! Then he did “Blood Diamond” and man, that was a great film. So was “The Departed”. So, I´ll admit it: DiCaprio, you´re a pretty good actor. Especially now that you´ve grown up and your face doesn´t look like it´s been squashed between Bud Spencer´s fists.

Okay, enough with the rambling. What about this “The Chaser” movie that he´s supposed to remake? Is it worth checking out or shall you just wait until DiCaprio springs the American version upon you? No, you shall not! You should see the original ´cause it´s a very, very good film. It´s not “Old Boy”-good but then again, which movies are? Not that many so stop whining.

“The Chaser” is one of the most original thrillers I´ve seen in a long time. The basic story is as follows: Joong-ho is a dirty detective turned pimp in financial trouble as several of his girls have recently disappeared without clearing their debts. While trying to track them down, he finds a clue that the vanished girls were all called up by the same client, whom one of his girls is meeting with when the movie starts.So, our hero is a dirty cop who now makes his living as a pimp. I don´t know about you, but as soon as you mention that, I´m hooked. Who wouldn´t like a protagonist like that? And who wouldn´t like a concept like that? A former cop, now pimp, has to track down the killer because he´s kidnapped one of his working girl and he doesn´t want to lose the investments he´s made in her. It´s pretty brilliant and simple, at the same time. Kinda reminds of “The Departed”, come to think of it. It too had a great spin on a genre we know all too well. It´s not a cop doing the hunting but a pimp, who´s just looking out for his investment. So how the hell do you make a character like that sympathetic?

I´ll tell you how. You hire this guy, Yun-seok Kim, to play the guy. He does a pretty good job. He manages to portray the fact that he wants to protect his investment but he can´t help but care for the girl. He doesn´t show it but we understand it anyway and the way this character progresses is pretty believable. “The Chaser” is directed by a fellow named Hong-jin Na and according to the database of movies on the Internet, this film is this guy´s first one. He wrote it and directed it, too. That´s pretty impressive, Mr. Na. You have my utmost respect. Now, don´t go wasting your obvious talent on low budget films made in Eastern Europe, starring actors past their prime. And when Hollywood come a-courting, don´t believe everything they say. And don´t get hooked on cocaine or any other drug. You hear me, Mr. Na? You can do a line or two but not too much. You see, I´m counting on many more interesting and entertaining films from you. So you better get your shit together and prove that “The Chaser” wasn´t a one-off.

One of the things I like about the film is the fact that Na doesn´t underplay the fact that in real life people are pretty clumsy. The chases in “The Chaser” are pretty well staged, as well they should be. It would´ve been pretty damn shitty if they named a film “The Chaser” and then the chases sucked! That´s like going to rent “Snakes on a plane” and then it turns out that the title were just some stupid metaphor or something like that. Wouldn´t that be kind of a crappy deal? Or if you decided to watch “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” and then there were no crouching tigers in it and the dragon didn´t try to hide at all. Wait… that last one wasn´t so hot. Anyway, that tangent ends here.

So, director Na has the good sense to show the chases as they probably would happen in real life. I don´t know about you but I don´t have to chase people that often and I´m pretty satisfied with that. However, if I did have to chase someone, it would probably look a lot like it does in this film: I´d bump into all kinds of shit, accidently run into walls and fall over on my stupid ass. And if I would catch the fucker I´d be chasing, I would probably be close to throwing up, just like they do in this film. It would not be very graceful.

In fact, the lead character, Joong-ho Eom, is one of the least graceful characters I´ve had the pleasure of watching in a very long time. He falls over, calls his friend “idiot” most of the time (like we often do, right? Admit it, don´t try to play all high and mighty on me) and when he beats people up it´s not like in other movies, you know when they punch each other in the face with their fists. No, he hits them with empty plastic bottles, books and fold out chairs. Whatever is at hand, basically. Stuff like this matters and the movie is all the better for it.

One problem I usually have with Asian films is that almost every one of them always drags on for too long. I often feel that most of them could be shortened with half an hour and they would be much more effective. “Old Boy” is one of the few examples where I didn´t experience that. This is another. It´s two hours long and I didn´t fast forward once! Not once, friends. Good work, Mr. Na!

Also, usually I have a hard time understanding Asian sense of humor. Frankly, I find it bizarre. Many films have a couple of scenes of comic relief and they often consist of people falling on their asses or making stupid sex-jokes. In my opinion, that´s not the highest form of comedy and it´s makes for a pretty bizarre experience when scenes of this sort is included in a brutal serial killer movie like for example, “The Untold Story”. Subtlety is not that common over there, it seems. I guess it´s a cultural clash. I guess it has to be when I sit here and whine about them not being subtle enough but then I watch a Japanese films about a fisherman sitting at the shore for an hour and a half and if that isn´t subtle, I don´t know. After all, our cultures are pretty different, so it´s not that strange if I don´t get everything. It´s not like I´m Steven Seagal and know everything about Asia and have lived there while working undercover for the CIA and knows every language known to man. That I am not. Unfortunately. However, I do make a mean meat loaf, so I am not a total waste of space.

Well, the thing I wanted to say was that in “The Chaser” the humor actually works. I found it pretty funny. It´s based on the kind of things that happen in our everyday life. For example, when our lead character is at the police station, screaming at his former colleagues that they have to keep investigating the killer, one of the cops tells him to “stop shouting!” and looks like he´s about to start crying. I found that hilarious. Maybe it´s just me. Not sure.

Now, you might think that you know what this movie´s about from the summary I´ve given you, but you don´t and that´s the beauty of this film. You don´t even know half the plot yet, dear reader. Na manages to keep your interest alive all through the film with many clever twists and turns. He also accomplishes something I haven´t seen since “Seven”: he gives away the identity of the killer right away but the film still manages to be exciting as hell. I´m not gonna give anything else away and you are gonna thank me for it, friend. You will be in my debt.

And guess what? He even manages to make it pretty touching at times. I´m not gonna give away exactly how it is touching but it´s pretty sweet at times. We realize that our hero actually do care for the girl but he´s not in love with her. He´s just a humble pimp that wants his girls to be safe, get it? I know it sound tasteless and weird but it works, I´m telling ya. I always admire a film that doesn´t fall into the usual pitfalls of having a traditional love story. People can just care for each other, can´t they? But when it comes to the movies they always have to be head over heels in love. How often does that happen in real life? This is much more believable: this girl works for this guy (albeit as a prostitute, which is kinda fucked up) and he cares for her. He wants her to be safe, right? I can buy that and I can relate to that. Not the pimp-bit, ok? But the fact that you work with someone and care for some of them and you want them to be safe. Others you just wanna knee in the back but that´s a different story.

Hey, stop the press! Guess what? After cruising down the information highway for a while, I realized that this film was actually based on real events. I don´t know if the story about the pimp has any basis in real life. I don´t have time to hang out in cyberspace all day. What do I look like? A total nerd? Rebels like us can´t hang around the Internet too much. However, I found that pretty interesting. From what I´ve read about the real case, the murders were even more brutal and gruesome than in the movie. I´m glad that they decided to not show this. Director Na shows enough for us to get the idea but has the good taste to not show girls being slaughtered and their heads bashed in. We get the idea and he´s a good enough director to only show us a glimpse. You know that shit that Hitchcock used to run around telling every critic he met that “What you don´t show is even scarier”? He was right. It works here. Apparently this guy Hitchcock knew what he was talking about. I wonder if he ever directed any movies…

It seems that there´s quite a problem with the inactive police force and corruption among politicians in Korea. I don´t know anything about this but that´s how it´s portrayed in the movie. So what conclusion do we draw from this, kids? That writer-director Na has managed to make a serial killer-thriller that´s entertaining, funny, exciting, interesting but also sweet and touching with a dose social criticism. That´s quite a feat.

If you might be retarded or anything like that you might not have noticed that I´m pretty impressed with this movie. I´m officially excited about Asian films again. Now I have a lot of catching up to do. I still haven´t seen that “Memories of Murder” movie and it´s supposed to be fantastic. Thank you, Mr. Na for bringing my hard-on for Asian flicks back (No, not Asian chicks, you pervert! I said “Flicks” and that´s quite a difference). It´s been a long time since I saw a “Beat” Takeshi film. I wonder what he´s been up to these last couple of years.

That´s it for me. Now, I should let you know that I do not condone prostitution in any way, shape or form. Even if you are a nice pimp, like the guy in this film, I don´t think that it´s a good idea. Just so you know that and I don´t get any angry e-mails or comments from any of you guys. Just watch the damn film! I hope you have a great week and an even greater weekend. If you don´t have any plans I can recommend getting drunk. It´s pretty fun and it´s done wonders for me through the years. Just a thought…

Until next time: take scare,

Thomas

Tonight, my dear friends, I´m gonna babble about a film that was released a while back. It´s called “The Backwoods”. This film disappeared in the myriads of films of lesser quality that´s screaming for our attention every day. Unfortunately, it got kind of a bad rap. Many reviewers stated that it took tired old clichés from such superior films as “Straw Dogs” and “Deliverance” and just rehashed them without bringing anything new to the genre. Now, being the rebel that I am you might´ve figured out that I disagree. That´s why I´m stepping up to the plate now. Somebody has to raise their voice, goddamn it!

I think “The Backwoods” is a great film and it would make for a fantastic double feature with the magnificent “Calvaire”. Those two films have a lot in common, but “The Backwoods” is definitely the more realistic of the two. If you´re like me and from time to time ponder what it actually means to be a man, then I´m pretty sure that you´ll enjoy this one. And if you´re a girl, then you can watch it just to see the shit we men have to deal with whenever we´re trapped in a backwoods village and chased by the locals in a foreign country. It´s not an easy life, I´ll guarantee you that and I think that you´ll agree with me by the time we´re done. So here we go. Strap yourself in.

But there´s something else I wanna bring up first. A while back I sat down to watch David Mamet´s latest film, “Redbelt” (which is excellent, by the way). It´s a fight film starring Chiwetel Ejiofor, who´s one of the best actors working today. Give this man more roles! Anyhow, since English isn´t my native tongue I like to watch my movies with the English subtitles on (anyone got a problem with that? Thought not) since there might be certain things I´d might miss out on otherwise. So there I was. I pressed “play” and then tried to activate the subtitles. The thing was, on this particular DVD there were no English subtitles. Sometimes life deals you a shitty hand and when that happen you just have to take it like a man, Rocky Balboa-style. I swallowed my anger and thus avoided sending myself into a shit-fit. Then I noticed that there were in fact English subtitles but they were for the commentary track with Mamet and ex-fighter Randy Couture! What the hell is up with that? The DVD was released by Sony Pictures Classics and I wonder what they were thinking when these geniuses released this DVD. They put subtitles on the commentary track and not on the film itself? One wonders how the conversation went at Sony when this was being put together:

“That´s right, Mr. CEO, the Redbelt DVD is right on time. It will hit the stores tomorrow. Yeah, we got some really great extras on it. We got a Q&A with David Mamet and the usual behind-the-scenes. What´s that? Subtitles? Uhm… yeah, it´s subtitled. The commentary track, that is. No, Sir. That´s right, there´s no subtitles on the movie itself but on the commentary instead. I realize that this might seem like an odd choice but we have done extensive research on this, Sir, and it shows that the buyers who have problems with their hearing actually have no interest whatsoever in the movie but are only interested in the supplemental material. No, Sir, I am not retarded…”

Anyway, that´s something that´s been bugging me for a while but now that I´ve gotten that off my chest I feel that I am ready to move on with my life and face new dangers and trials. This brings us to “The Backwoods”. When this film was released it was being promoted as a horror film. That is not the case, so if you´re going into this film expecting an all-out-backwoods-gore-and-guts-cannibals-extravaganza you might walk out slightly disappointed by the whole experience. But that´s life, isn´t it? One long series of disappointments after another. The only thing we have to cheer us up is when we stumble upon a film that was actually better than we expected in the first place. Only then can we begin to smell the flowers again and hear the birds chirping. At least that was how I felt after watching this film. It restored my faith in the world of straight-to-DVD-releases. Some of you youngsters out there may not believe this but there was a time when you could actually find really good films that were being dumped straight on video; films that the makers put a little more effort into than the average Dudikoff-actioner; films that planted its feet firmly in a genre (or subgenre) and only concerned itself with one thing: to entertain us! “The Backwoods” brought a feeling of nostalgia to my battered old heart because that´s the kind of film that it is.

The film that “The Backwoods” owes a great debt to, both stylistically and plot wise, is Sam Peckinpah´s fantastic “Straw Dogs”. Now, if you haven´t seen that one you need to come a little closer to the screen because I am about to slap you silly. You need to get off your ass and check it out now. It is truly one of the greatest films ever made. Take my word for it. Those of you out there who have done your homework as any decent human being should have, and watched this film can just nod in approval as we´ll laugh under our breath at those who haven´t seen this milestone in cinema. When I say that this film owes a lot to “Straw Dogs” it doesn´t mean that it´s a rip off. The story plays itself out slightly different. Here´s what it´s all about, friends:

In the summer of 1978 a young married couple (played by Paddy Considine and Virgine Ledoyen) come to visit their friend Paul (the amazing Gary Oldman) who now lives in the Basque region of Spain together with his wife, Isabel (Aitana Sánchez-Gijón). Things take a turn for the worse when they discover a girl with horribly mutilated hands in the forest. They try to help her by taking her away from the home in which she is locked, but the local villagers, who have to protect the girl, start a pursuit in the forest they know much better than the visitors.

Simple premise, right? Kind of like they made films back when this is supposed to take place, the late 70´s. That´s what I like about this film: it reeks of 70´s cinema. Let me give you an example of what I mean. The film opens with a song by Leonard Cohen, called “There is a War”. I´ll admit that when I watched this film the first time, when I heard that song, the film had me. I was a true believer then and there. I thought that “there´s no way this film is gonna suck if it has Gary Oldman in the lead AND opens with a Cohen-song”. That´s just the way I work. It doesn´t take more than that to get me in your corner. You know that corny line that Renee Zellweger says to Tom Cruise in “Jerry Maguire”: “You had me at hello” Well, when I had finished watching the film I stood up and said to “The Backwoods”: “You had me at ´There is a war´!” I´m a huge fan of Leonard Cohen! I think that he is one of the greatest songwriters of the last century and his lyrics are in a league of their own. His lyrics to “There is a war” are not his most subtle but they´ll give you an idea of what the film is going to be about:

“There is a war between the rich and the poor,

a war between the man and the woman.

There is a war between the left and the right,

A war between the black and the white,

A war between the odd and the even.”

That´s right, baby! If Leonard says there´s a war going on, you better count on that being the case. ´Cause Leonard knows things that you and I will never know even if we live a hundred lifetimes. He is simply connected to a greater wisdom and while I´m here rambling on about a Spanish low budget thriller starring Gary Oldman, he´s probably writing a profound lyric about the ways of the world, as we speak. Makes you feel kinda inferior, doesn´t it? But never mind that. Pour yourself another drink and then that feeling will soon be gone. But the war that he is speaking about in the lyric above becomes pretty apparent as the film progresses. That is what gives the film that 70´s flavor. There is definitely a war between the man and the woman going on here. There´s no shortage of relationships in decline in this movie and just like “Straw Dogs”, it ventures into a couple of pretty uncomfortable scenes. This includes a rape but I can assure you that it doesn´t get as graphic as crazy old Sam Peckinpah let his film become.

So, there is a war between the man and the woman, right? Check. How about a war between the rich and the poor? You better believe it, Buster! This is the central conflict of the movie. The locals obviously represent the poor and Oldman and Considine´s character´s are the rich, ok? This is not complicated stuff, alright? The rich are moving into their village with their fancy cars and whatnot and starts meddling with their business. What the hell do they expect the locals to do? Of course they´re gonna go after ´em. Remember, this is supposed to be back in the 70´s and times were a lot tougher then. Back then you could basically get raped in the ass just for canoeing down a river. It was a different time then. There was a war going on, remember? You had to fend for yourself in ways that we could never imagine.

So, are there any more wars going on? Yes, I´d say that there are. Cohen sings about “a war between the left and the right” and we have a bit of that in the film, as well. One way to look at it is that Oldman´s character, Paul, represents the right and Considine´s, Norman, is the left. Paul is the one who knows how to handle a weapon and who starts defending himself and the little girl they find. Norman on the other hand, is a bit more on the pacifist-side of things. That´s definitely an admirable trait to possess in real life but if you´re starring in a film like this, you might wanna consider ditching that characteristic. Because one of the staples of this particular subgenre is that the pacifist always has to resort to violence. Look at poor Jon Voight in “Deliverance” or Dustin Hoffman in “Straw Dogs”. We all have the capacity for committing violent acts but what does it do to us as humans after we´ve done them? Is it possible to re-bury those urges once you´ve caved in for them? These are the things that Koldo Serra, the director of “The Backwoods” is interested in. That´s why I guess that you could make the argument that there is yet another war going on, one that Leonard Cohen missed (haha, I finally outsmarted him!) and that is the war that goes on within every human. Most of us are at war with ourselves, aren´t we? The brain says one thing and the heart wants another and that´s exactly what Paddy Considine´s character is going through. He knows that she has to stand up and defend his wife but is he capable of murdering another man in order to do that? And how will that affect him?

Now, I´m not saying that this is revolutionary filmmaking or brilliantly groundbreaking in its psychological concept, no Sir! This is a story that we´ve seen many times before but it´s one of those classic simplistic stories that if done well, you can make a million variations on it. So, how does one go about creating a worthy addition to this subgenre? The most important thing is of course the script, like with any movie. Serra has managed to create a suspenseful and at sometimes pretty brutal script. He´s definitely done his homework. He obviously knows what works and what doesn´t in this genre. What is it then that elevates this movie above other, more recent films? I´ll tell you: Gary fucking Oldman and Paddy Considine. I´m telling you, these guys know how to act. Oldman has been making pretty crappy films lately but he still got it. No doubt about it. Welcome back, Gary! We´ve missed you. I know, I know… you were in the both “Batman” films but that was a supporting role. I wanna see you in the lead, like here. But this is not news, friends. We all know that Oldman is a great actor when he wants to.

What some of you might not know is that Paddy Considine is shaping up to become one of the finest actors of his generation. He was great in “Cinderella Man” but he was absolutely fantastic and magnetic in Shane Meadow´s “Dead Man´s Shoes”. If you haven´t seen that one, then it´s time for you to get your shit together. It´s basically a remake of “Get Carter” but re-located to the English countryside. Don´t worry, I´m gonna write more about this one in the near future so there´s no way you´re gonna escape this one. The thing is that these kind of films depends on who is playing the Norman-like character. Imagine if Dustin Hoffman hadn´t gotten the role in “Straw Dogs” and they decided to give it someone who either wasn´t as good or isn´t believable in the part? The whole movie would´ve collapsed. You have to believe that this is a character who´s never used violence before and even though it´s hard to shake Considine´s vigilante from “Dead Man´s Shoes” he does a fantastic job here. You have no problem believing the arc that this character goes through. Since Robert De Niro and Al Pacino seems to have given up on reading the scripts of the films they star in and just accepts roles to the left and right, I think it´s time to hand over the crown of “The Greatest Actor Alive”. I wonder how this stuff work? Does Pacino and De Niro suffer from some kind of affliction which means that they are physically unable to say the word “No!” when someone asks them to do a movie. Or do they hand out their account number around Hollywood and then the producers just makes a deposit and then they have to show up on the set, whether they like the script or not? How the hell do you explain such movies as “88 minutes” and “Godsend” otherwise? By the way, how the hell can you make a film called “88 Minutes” and then have it be 105 minutes long? That´s bad filmmaking right there, friends. So step aside, gentlemen. Give Considine a couple of years and I guarantee that he´ll work wonders with the roles that De Niro and Pacino would have been offered if they were twenty years younger… and still good! Go, Paddy!

But as always, I am not one to shy away from over-intellectualizing and taking the intellectual high road so I´m not gonna disappoint you this time around. The fact of the matter is that “The Backwoods” actually has a message to convey to us and if we listen to it and try to live our lives by it, we will all become better humans. I´m not talking about how we should stop watching films starring De Niro and Pacino but “The Backwoods” actually tries to say something about the nature of human beings and how the lack of understanding each other´s languages and cultures can lead to horrible misconceptions. That´s basically the root of the conflict in the film. The characters can´t understand each other and they have different opinions about how you should deal with a certain situation. So try to keep an open mind, folks. The world will be a much better place for it. You can decide on your own if you´re gonna stop watching De Niro-films. I trust you too make the right decision.

If you´ve been reading my ramblings here you might have noticed that I have a weakness for films that deals with the nature of masculinity. What does it mean to be a man today and what are things that a “man´s gotta do”? These are important questions, friends. Not because I am a man (at least according to me) but because we live in a time when things are rapidly changing. What it meant to be a man twenty years ago is not the same things today. I´m not saying that I have any answers but I find these issues fascinating, especially in movies. The fact of the matter is that oftentimes, despite differences in class and culture, we are not that much different from each other, right? I know, I know what you´re thinking: “What is this? An after school special or an episode of Full House?” so I´m not gonna lay it on too thick but I like this approach in movies, when something that could have been avoided so easily escalates to horrific heights. And it all could´ve been prevented if they only knew each other’s languages. What a shame…

This film is director Koldo Serra´s feature film debut and I don´t know what he´s up to now but it would be a damn shame if this guy doesn´t get to make another film. He definitely shows some flair in this film. He builds toward the climax in a skillful and stylish way. The end actually resembles a gothic horror movie with a thunderstorm raging while the showdown between the out-of-towners and the villagers take place. Good work, Koldo! You can never get enough thunderstorms in movies. Combine that with Gary Oldman spouting words of wisdom like “There are hunters and prey, Norman. That´s the only fucking truth in this world” and you´ve got a severely underrated film. That´s why I say:

“There are good films and bad films, friend. That´s the only fucking truth in this world!”

Have a great weekend. The Dead Next Door will be performing at Henriksberg in Göteborg tomorrow night, which means that I will be doing the drumming and shouting a lot of “woah-woah-woh´s”. We will be sharing the stage with one of Joey Ramone´s favorite bands, The Mansfields so if you´re anywhere in the vicinity, drop by. It should be a lot of fun. Until next time: stay ghoul, stay sick & stay in touch!

Thomas

Well, since I´ve finally managed to see ”The Sinful Dwarf” (an experience which you can read all about, every sleazy, grimy detail, in the previous post), which was sort of my unicorn-movie; a film that I been wanting to see for the last 15 years, my life is now filled with a dark void. I can now leave this movie behind me but we always have to dream about better things, right? We have to strive for better things, right? There´s not that many films out there that I haven´t managed to see… except a low budget title from 1981 called “Mr. No Legs”. I mean, how the hell can you go wrong with a title and cover like that? You can´t! I´m telling you, this film has to be absolutely amazing! I know that it will never equal the amazing images I have projected in my mind but I don´t care! From now on I will devote my life to hunting down this title. Just listen to the tagline of this son of a bitch:

The Cops want to get him. The Mob wants to hit him. But no one wants to meet him face to face.

That´s some serious bad-assedness for you right there. Apparently there´s supposed to be loads of fun stuff in this one for the whole family, like a bar fight with a bunch of transsexuals and midgets (can´t escape those dwarfs, man!) and if I´ve understood the whole thing correctly, Mr. No Legs kills a bunch of people by using throwing stars. I repeat: throwing stars! If you´re not excited by now, just end your suffering here and now… preferably by throwing a throwing star into your own face. That would be ironic. I also have to mention the fact that this film was directed by Ricou Browning. You may not know Mr. Browning form his name or even from his face but he was actually the guy inside the suit of one of the greatest creatures created for the silver screen, “The Creature of the Black Lagoon”.

So, that´s what I will be devoting my life to from here on out. There´s gotta be a copy of it somewhere out there and sooner or later… It will be mine, mouahahahaahaha!!!

See ya later this week and until then: take scare & stay ghoul,

Thomas

My friends, I have seen one of the weirdest films. One of the strangest films ever produced. I have seen “The Sinful Dwarf” (1973). I don´t know where to begin… This is a film that has finally been released over here, on DVD. I saw it this Friday night after only hearing about it for the last 15 years. The story revolves around Olaf, the dwarf who, judging from the title likes to indulge in sinful activities. He lives with his drunken mother, who used to be a cabaret performer but it doesn´t come as a surprise that she´s unemployed since she cannot sing very well at all. To make a living, the two of them run a hotel in their attic. That´s all good but we all know that there´s not that much money in the hotel business, right? If you really wanna make the big bucks you should start operating a white slave trade and run a brothel. “But what if the girls try to escape?” you ask. Olaf has that solved by keeping them addicted to heroin. You´re not gonna run that far then, are you? You´re gonna need that heroin.

Since this rundown “hotel” (I´m not sure if it can qualify as a hotel, since the room we get to see is just a bed in a dirty, disgusting attic-room with no light) for some reason seem to enjoy its fair share of guests, Olaf gets his hands on new girls every now and then. When the movie starts, a young couple named Mary and Peter check in. He´s an out of work-writer, desperately searching for a job. They are newly married and are very much in love, so naturally we get a gratuitous, dirty-looking sex-scene that´s surprisingly realistic. Anyway, after a day or two the couple starts to question the strange noises coming from the attic. This is when Olaf gets the brilliant idea to kidnap Mary and use her in his little set up. He knocks her out and forges a note that he gives to Peter that says “I´m gone. I´ll be back in a month or two”. Brilliant plan, Olaf!

This is basically what the whole film´s about: Peter´s searching for a job, Olaf lets in customers to have their way with the girls while his mother and her friend gets shitfaced and sings cabaret songs with Olaf accompanying them on the piano. Oh, I almost forgot the most interesting character. Since Peter is unable to find a job as a writer he is forced to work in a toy store. But this isn´t just any old toy store, oh no! This is “Santa Claus Toy Store” and it is run by a man in a red sweater with white hair and moustache called Santa. He is a bit of an entrepreneur, this Santa-fellow ´cause he has also found a way to make a little extra on the side. He sells Olaf teddy bears that are filled with heroin. It´s all connected, friends.

As you can see, this is such an insanely bizarre film that it defies description. It has to be seen to be fully believed. It´s such a weird experience watching this, as it often is watching older exploitation films, in the way that they are paced. The film´s subject matter should make for an extremely entertaining viewing experience, right? Well, I am afraid that that is not the case. It´s pretty clear that many of the actors doesn´t have much experience and the scenes where Lila, Olaf´s mother, is howling her way through some obscure show tunes are downright painful. Everything in the movie seem to take place in real time. For example, when the couple arrives Lila tells Olaf to show them to their room. This is when we, the viewers, gets to be on the receiving end of the gratifying experience of watching Olaf limp up two flights of stairs. The director refuses to cut away. It´s the same when Olaf is sent to get his mother a drink. What would´ve been a simple cutaway in another film is shown in its entirety here, as it´s so often is in movies of this sort when there´s not much of a script. However, we do get some kind of reward after watching Olaf limp up the stairs because when they arrive in the room he sits on the bed and starts jumping up and down, laughing like a madman and saying in his weird German-like accent “Very soft bed, very soft bed!” It´s a fantastic image and you have not lived life to its fullest unless you have witnessed this awesome sight!

This is what the movie has working in its favor: Olaf! He is played by Torben Bille and he´s pretty sensational in this role. After all, he is a dwarf and he is quite sinful. What more can you ask for? He sweats, laughs, leers and speaks with a strange guttural voice that is hard to describe while limping around with a cane. The thing is that as soon as the film cuts away from him, you immediately lose interest. He is definitely the best thing about the film and it´s a goddamn mystery to me why the hell they didn´t make a whole series of films with Torben Bille as Olaf? “Dwarfsploitation”, for chrissakes! He could´ve been a warden in a women´s prison in one film or some kind of oil-sheik in the middle east, Illsa-style. Man, they really blew it there. I think it would´ve been a real cash-cow. I can´t be the only guy who appreciate a good dwarfsploitation-flick, can I? Or what if they would have gone the “Leprechaun”-route? Then we could have gotten such amazing films as “The Sinful Dwarf in Da Hood” or “The Sinful Dwarf In Space”. The opportunities are endless.

Torben Bille is a fascinating character and he really looks insane in this film. One of my favorite scenes is when he plays with his toys and arranges them in different sexual positions. Ah, the weirdness of this film…

Since this film was produced in Denmark I´m guessing that many of the actors, including Bille, are Danish which makes English their second language. This would explain the over-pronunciation of Peter and Mary and the weird accents that Lila and her friend has. Bille himself sounds sort of like Peter Lorre with a sore throat. Every conversation that Peter and Mary have sounds like one of those shows they show in the afternoon here in Sweden where you´re supposed to learn to speak English.

Clara Keller who plays Olaf´s mother, Lila Lash, is also quite an interesting character. She has a scar on her cheek but we never find out what caused this. She is sort of a Nora Desmond in “Sunset Boulevard”-type character who´s unable to let go of the past and instead drowns her sorrow in booze. She has obviously lived a very rough life and taking care of Olaf can´t have been the easiest job in the world so we can´t really blame her for taking to the bottle every now and then. I´ll give her that. But I have to question her ability to raise children. Let´s be honest, she hasn´t done that good of a job with Olaf.

I have no children of my own but I´ve figured as much that the thing about being a good parent is to set a good example for them to emulate. If you do that, I think you´re halfway there. Miss Lash doesn´t seem too concerned with this, ´cause she obviously runs a brothel with her son. Now, I know that this is Denmark and they´re a bit more liberal with these kinds of things and if this was a legit brothel it might have been okay, I´m not sure. It is definitely not okay to kidnap girls and then get them hooked on heroin! That´s not a very good role model for poor little Olaf! Hell, she even encourages him to kidnap more girls because the ones they have locked up now are getting worn out and they´re using too much heroin for it to be profitable. This is what she does so that she can keep her own depraved lifestyle going, marinated in booze and gin. Where did it all go wrong, Miss Lash?

I wonder how it went down when they started the brothel. How the hell do you make that suggestion to your son, that you´re thinking of kidnapping one of the girls who lives upstairs and force her to prostitute herself? For all you future parents out there: this is not something I recommend. Olaf can´t have had an easy life, the poor little thing…

I have to admit that when I was watching this, I took the liberty of pouring myself more than one drink. Now, I know what you´re thinking: that I am just as depraved as Lila Lash but that´s definitely not the case. There´s no girls locked up in my attic, not that I know of. I did not sing any show tunes, however I may have sang along to a Ramones tune or two later that evening but that´s about it, I promise. The thing I´m getting at is that the best way to experience “The Sinful Dwarf” is with a couple of friends and fair amount of alcohol in your system. I guarantee that it will enhance the viewing experience. It makes those long, long scenes pretty endurable but it also makes the creepy scenes creepier. Me and my friend were both reminded of Roman Polanski´s “The Tenant” in the scenes where Mary walk around the attic, searching for the source of the noises.

This is a freaky film, damn it. In one scene Olaf even violates one girl with his walking cane. Once again, Miss Lash… I think you need to have a talk with your son. This won´t stand! The opening scene is pretty damn great, too. You kinda get a good idea what kind of film you´re in for when it opens with a sequence in which Olaf uses a wind-up dog to lure a girl, who´s playing hopscotch all by herself on the sidewalk, to his home, before bashing her over the head with his walking stick. Now, the girl is playing hopscotch, right? The thing is that the actress playing her is well into her twenties, so it makes for a pretty funny sight: an adult woman dressed up in a schoolgirl outfit being tricked into following a clearly insane-looking dwarf home, while he taunts her with a wind-up dog! Fantastic stuff…

Then we have the ending… It´s pretty grim. If you have seen this film and don´t want to me to spoil it for you, you should skip this paragraph because I´m about to give away the ending. Blow the lid off the whole damn thing. It ends with Peter and the police storming into the attic, where all the girls are being held captive. The police officer is so appalled by the whole thing that he asks Peter if he knows how to use a gun. He hands it over and then turns away so that Peter can kill Lila Lash. This sends Olaf into a state of despair and shock, so he jumps out of the window. The last thing we see is a close up of Olaf´s little dwarf hand on cobbled stones, with blood and a toy dog filled with heroin, splattered all over the street. It´s a pretty fantastic image and it´s obvious that director Vidal Raski put some thought into this.

The last scene alone offers quite a statement: the law cannot punish Miss Lash for the things she has done to the girls, so the police officer himself chooses to look the other way. I think it´s safe to say that Raski wasn´t too happy with the law against sex offenders at the time the movie was made. It´s a bold statement and the final scene also gives us a clue about the life of a dwarf: without his mother looking after him, it´s simply a much too cruel world for him to live in it alone. Olaf got dealt a shitty hand in life and no matter how bad she was as mother, she still loved him, right? I´m getting misty-eyed here, thinking about it. It´s a cruel world for a dwarf, friends…

So, one might say that “The Sinful Dwarf” is a film where the film´s parts are better than the sum. The scenes where Olaf is let loose definitely lived up to my expectations and the scenes with Santa are pretty hilarious. They are exactly what you expect them be… and then some! However, the many scenes with Lila Lash drag on for too long. This shouldn´t discourage you from seeking this film out, oh no! Bring out the booze and slip this grimy, sleazy film into your DVD and you´re in for a night of good, clean, Scandinavian fun!

The DVD cover proudly proclaims that according to Viggo Mortensen the film is “Horrifying!” and I would have loved to know under what circumstances he saw this film. Since he´s half Danish or whatever, maybe this is a film that he saw when he was a kid and it scarred him mentally. I have to find out more about this. The cover also has the fantastic tagline “The film that gave sadistic, Danish dwarfs a bad reputation” and I think that pretty much sums it up.

If you haven´t realized by now that this is a film that you have to see then I´ll spell it out for you, you ignoramus: you have to see it! End of story. You can´t go wrong with a dwarf doing depraved things. I always say that every film is improved with a dwarf in the cast and this is definitely no exception. Well, it would´ve been pretty bizarre if it didn´t have one. The it would have to be called “The Sinful Man”, I guess. That doesn´t have the same ring to it, in my opinion. Anyway, check it out. Unless you have something better to do, but I doubt that. Not much in life beats watching a film with a dwarf molesting girls, while you have a drink or five. That´s easy living for you right there, friends…

Until next time: take scare & stay sick,

Thomas