Last Blog On The Left

It´s that time of year again: the time to step up to the plate and make a stand for the films that everyone hates, no one wants to watch and every single geek on the internet badmouths! I´m talking of course about Neil LaBute´s widely hated remake of “The Wicker Man”, starring the master of the twitch-riddled acting: Nicolas Cage! I have talked about this movie many times before here but the other day I got into a discussion about it again and I can´t for the life of me understand why this movie evokes such strong feelings in people. This movie isn´t so much hated by people as they´re disgusted by it!

Now, let´s get one thing out of the away immediately: “The Wicker Man” is a remake of a beloved classic. I know that. However, I´m not particularly fond of this classic. Admittedly, it has Christopher Lee in it and for what it´s worth, we do get to see Britt Ekland´s body double dance naked like a crazy person up against a wall. Not to forget that Ingrid Pitt also has a small role. That´s the things I do like about the film. Don´t get me wrong: I enjoy Britt Ekland´s body double´s crazy ass-dance as much as the next guy but that´s about it.

Then there´s the things I don´t like about it, which by far outweighs the things I enjoy: like the countless song and dance numbers. I can´t get past them and have always had a problem with them. I´m not saying that LaBute´s remake is a masterpiece, but let´s be honest: at least the guy had the good taste to get rid of these horrible song numbers!

For those of you who have avoided this film because you´ve read on the internet or heard from a co-worker that it truly is “the worst movie in history of bad films!”, here´s what it´s about:

Highway patrolman Edward Malus (Cage) is recovering from an accident and receives a letter from his former fiancée Willow (Kate Beahan), who left him years ago without any explanation, telling him that her daughter Rowan is missing. Edward travels to the private island of Summerisle, where Willow lives in an odd community that makes a living on honey, and she reveals that Rowan is actually their daughter. Along his investigation with the hostile and unhelpful inhabitants, Edward discloses that the locals are pagans, practicing old rituals to improve their crop, and Rowan is probably alive and being prepared to be sacrificed…

Most people will complain about the fact that LaBute´s film isn´t horrifying at all, but if you can show me one person who thinks that the original is scary, I´ll gladly accompany them to the nearest mental institution. I´ll even sign ´em in! I know that it´s considered a classic in the horror movie pantheon, but honestly… I´ve seen info-mercials that were scarier than the original “Wicker Man”!

LaBute´s take on the story however, is a slick, entertaining film with some twists and turns to it that I really enjoyed. I thought that his particular brand of humor worked for this material. For those of you who´ve seen his other movies you know that LaBute has some issues when it comes to women. Let´s just say that he´s one of those guys that believes that there is a war raging between the sexes, ok? But at least he has a sense of humor about it (some might argue that point), albeit a very dark one.

But that´s what most people doesn´t seem to realize: this is a dark, twisted comedy working within the confines of the horror genre. You´re not supposed to take it serious. It works much better that way. I mean, when Cage stands, pointing a gun at a young girl and shouts the line “Step away from the bicycle!”, do you really think that LaBute and co thought that they were invading Ingmar Bergman-territory? It´s supposed to be funny, but since LaBute has a history of making dark, “serious” movies, he´s suddenly not allowed to have a sense of humor?

Honestly, does anyone out there really think that Cage & LaBute was not aware that having him dressed up in a bear suit and riding a young girl´s bike through the forest is funny? I find it hilarious.

I think it´s a nice touch that LaBute has changed the island into a matriarchy, run by Ellen Burstyn, as opposed to a patriarchy with Christopher Lee at the helm in the original. But to be honest, I too was expecting a lot more misogynistic propaganda from LaBute. He kinda let me down there. I know that all the evil characters in the movie are female and at one point Cage is stuck in a well, which I guess is supposed to symbolize the island´s vagina, but from what I´d heard about this movie, I was just expecting more.

I expected something along the lines of Leni Riefenstahl´s old Nazi-movies but with LaBute preaching the evil-ness and all around rotten-ness of women. But the thing is that the character we´re supposed to sympathize with is Cage, right? This Edward Malus-guy that he portrays is pretty weird. He yells at people for no apparent reason and he doesn´t seem to be that interested in really finding out the truth. And he´s a man, in case someone missed that. So I guess that it goes both ways. Say what you will about it but honestly, Malus isn´t that a sympathetic guy.

It´s actually pretty fantastic how weird Cage´s character acts in this one. The scenes where he, for no apparent reason, starts screaming at someone are classic! And the ending is a great one, there´s no denying one. When Cage cries out “Oh my god, oh my god…” it truly is something above the ordinary. I think it´s admirable that Cage, who´s a major star, has the guts to play a character that behaves erratically and then breaks down this way. At least he´s not afraid of looking bad, that´s for sure, and for that he should be applauded!

Last time I checked, this movie had a whooping 3.6 over at imdb.com and it´s kinda hard to fully grasp the anger that this film awakes in its viewers. People seem to have a personal vendetta with LaBute and Cage and I know that a lot of people have a huge problem with the ending of the film and Nicolas Cage´s bear suit… but really, don´t you think that you take life a little too seriously if you allow yourself to get that worked up over a thing like that? It´s worth checking out this film alone for the scene where Cage dropkicks that lady in the stomach.

What people doesn´t realize is that we should be singing Nicolas Cage´s praises for having the guts to do something so politically incorrect in a film! I wish that they had taken this concept even further: imagine Cage running amuck and dropkicking women to the left and right. As it is now, we get at least two or three good punches and kicks. The scene with LeLee Sobieski is a particular favorite.

Besides, a film that is dedicated to Johnny Ramone, can´t be all that bad… I bet my left nut that Johnny Ramone would have loved it. And if it it´s good enough for Johnny Ramone, it´s certainly good for me…

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

The other day, I started thinking: “What if I had a daughter, and someone tried to kill her, but instead killed off her kids and husband? That would piss me off, for sure! I would want to avenge them, wouldn´t I?” Then I realized: “Hey, that´s a great idea for a movie! Somebody should make movies that deal with the theme of revenge!” Then I realized that they had. For years. Over and over again. With varying result. But mostly successful I think, because if there´s one theme that Hollywood has managed to mine for some pretty great movies through the years, it´s revenge, right?

If we´re gonna continue this relationship you should know that I love movies that deal with revenge or vengeance. Absolutely love ´em! Maybe it´s because I´m a vindictive bastard, who knows? Or maybe it´s because I´m not so vindictive in real life and get a kick out of watching people get their comeuppance? Could be either way. But one thing that´s sure is that almost every action movie worth their salt deals with revenge, in one way or another. So when you hear about a new movie, directed by Hong Kong action movie extraordinaire Johnnie To, called “Vengeance” (“Fuk Sau” for you Chinese speaking fuckers out there), it doesn´t take a goddamn rocket scientist to figure out that this one is gonna be something out of the ordinary, right?

I mean, that title alone is fantastic: “Vengeance”! You immediately know what kind of movie you´re dealing with. You don´t go in expecting a romantic drama about a middle aged book store owner who falls in love with a world weary waitress across the street, or some shit like that. No, when you sit down to watch a movie called “Vengeance”, directed by one of the world´s foremost orchestrator of action sequences, you expect to get men of few words, who live by a code of honor and who deals out harsh justice in the form of bullets, without ever cracking a smile while smoking a shit load of cigarettes, right? Because that´s what you get here.

The story is deceitfully simple: Johnny Hallyday plays Costello, a French chef who swears revenge after his daughter’s family, which lives in Hong Kong, has been murdered. To help him find the killers, he hires three local hit-men working for the mafia.

And that´s about it! You don´t need more than that to make a good movie and it´s good to see To realize this. I´m gonna level with you: I´m not that big of a fan when it comes to his previous films. I thought “Election”, which everyone raved about, was very overrated. That didn´t stop me from seeing the sequel, but I liked that one even less. I thought “Exiled” and “Full Time Killer” was ok, but To is a typical Hong Kong director in many ways. By that statement I mean that his movies could benefit by having about 20 or 30 minutes trimmed from them. Many of them are just too goddamn long! In some cases I´ve found myself losing interest completely but kept watching the film because I know that there´s at least one spectacular action sequence coming up, because it´s fucking Johnnie To, okay? Kinda like when you watch a porno movie: not that many of you out there care about the dialogue scenes between the fornicating, do you? That´s kind of how I feel about Johnnie To.

I don´t know if it´s a cultural thing. I guess it could be when it comes to “Election” since that flick is particularly dense and filled with Triad-traditions and shit like that. I guess that much of this goes over my head and just seem weird to an American-ized European like myself.

But guess what? With “Vengeance”, To gets it absolutely right! In my mind, this is his best film to date. When I first heard that Johnny Hallyday was gonna play the lead, I was really happy. It may not sound like the best idea to give the role of an ass-kicking chef to an aging French pop singer, whose career has seen better days, and whose face looks pretty much like a wallet thanks to the many plastic surgeries he´s enjoyed, but it works like a charm. When it comes to ass kicking chefs we all know that no one will ever beat Steven Seagal in “Under Siege”, but Costello as Hallyday plays him is a much more restrained character.

I can imagine that many of you out there will be put off by the way that Hallyday looks these days. I admit that it´s pretty weird. He really has been under the surgeon´s knife one time too many and he´s got that weird feline thing going on that is usually reserved for women in Beverly Hills whose faces looks like they´re 40 but their arms like they´re 90 (which they probably are). Which is a bit of a shame. But despite this, Hallyday manages to be pretty bad ass. He´s got a look that you just can´t get when you´re 30 years. The minute you see this guy, you know that is one bad dude who´s been around the block more than one time.

But what is it that separates this one from other To-movies? I think that this is the first time that he really indulges in his obvious obsession with the movies of Jean-Pierre Melville, which he clearly signals by casting an old French guy who was popular back in the 60´s. The fact that Costello can´t speak the language, adds to the story´s impact. Thanks to this, we get much less dialogue than in the usual To-movies, and if you´re at all familiar with the work of Melville, like “Le Samourai” and “The Red Circle”, you know that Melville thought that dialogue was overrated. Hell, Hallyday´s character is even named after Alain Delon´s hitman in “Le Samourai”!

So much is said through the actor´s looks and body language here that it´s a goddamn joy to behold. Johnnie To channels his inner Sergio Leone in many of the scenes in that he allows the film to be silent those moments before all hell breaks loose. And let me tell ya, there´s at least a couple of gunfights that Leone would´ve been proud of in this one. There´s one in particular that takes place in an open field just outside Hong Kong that manages to be both brutal and quite beautiful.

I can´t help it but I´m a sucker for this type of movie: where a man simply has to do whatever it is that a man has got to do, even though he knows that it might make him end up at the wrong end of a bullet. These guys know it but they do the things they do anyway and there are a couple of great moments that play on this and just how casual they are about the violence that they bring onto others and are being subjected to. I like how the three hit men lay down in the middle of a gunfight, bullets blazing all around them, just to have a cigarette.

There´s another great moment. It´s when Hallyday comes across the three hit men for the first time while they exit a hotel room, after killing a guy. Hallyday has heard the shots but when they meet they just give each other a look and then Hallyday keeps on walking and it´s understood that he won´t rat them out. All with just that one look. This is the kind of stuff that you use to see in westerns, so thanks for bringing these things back, Johnnie To! I´ve missed them.

It´ll be interesting to see where To goes from here. I wouldn´t mind another movie starring Hallyday. It would be cool to see him tackle the streets of Paris, for a change. Someone needs to keep the legacy of bad ass cinema alive. Just don´t do a John Woo on our asses and leave for Hollywood only to spend years making shit like “Paycheck” and “Windtalkers”, ok? I mean, I liked “Face Off” as much as the next guy and “Hard Target” was a lot of fun but that shit about the Paycheck? That was just too much. Maybe he should wrangle up some old French crooner as well and tap into his inner Melville. Remember what he said about making movies: “All you need is a girl and a gun”… Oh, and a plastically enhanced French singer, as well.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Hey, how about them crazy sports fans, huh? You know which ones I´m talking about. You either have one in your immediate family, among your friends or your co-workers: the kinda guy who´s only interested in one thing and one thing only… sports! The only thing he wants to discuss is how his favorite team is doing or what they should do to improve their results. I don´t know how it is with you but where I live, the sport most commonly discussed is soccer (for you Americans out there that´s the kind of football where you actually use your feet). The fascinating thing about these guys is that they always have the answer to all the problems and knows exactly what the coach is doing wrong. Call me crazy but it´s almost as if he would do a better job than the actual coach! I know these guys very well. I´ve grown up among them, so I know what I´m talking about. They´re not quite as socially maladjusted as Patton Oswalt´s character Paul Aufiero in “Big Fan”, but they´ve got that fanaticism-thing going on. But Paul is playing in a whole other league, so to speak (Hey, did you get that? “League” as in “Sports league”… Christ, I´m good with words)

But back to Paul Aufiero! He´s a devout New York Giants fan, and got a career (as he himself calls it) as a parking garage attendant. He still lives with his mother (Marcia Jean Kurtz) in Staten Island, working nights at the garage. When things are slow at work he meticulously crafts rants about why his Giants are “destined” for glory and calls in to a local late-night sports radio show where he is a known contributor and enemy of Philadelphia Eagles fan, Philadelphia Phil.

This is basically how life goes for him and the one thing that he seem to enjoy is those Sunday afternoons when it´s game time. But things take a turn when he, along with his best friend Sal (Kevin Corrigan) spots one of their favorite players, Quantrell Bishop (Jonathan Hamm). They follow him to a Manhattan strip club, in an attempt to approach and speak to him. But their meeting with their big hero doesn´t go as planned…

Pretty pathetic life, huh? That´s what most people will think when they watch this movie. But I was actually pretty moved by both the character and the film itself. Maybe “moved” is the wrong word but I gotta admit that I at least understand this character. Except for the fact that I have a burning non-interest in all things sports-related, I have my own obsessions. Cause let´s be honest here: what´s the difference between having a favorite band or a favorite team? Not that much, if you ask me. The sports fan or the music fan have their favorite that they root for, no matter what the press say about them, and whether it´s a new album or a championship that´s at stake, in the end they both evoke some kind of emotional response in us, right? I can imagine that the feeling you get when you favorite team scores a winning point isn´t that different from when your favorite band has released that one song, that is so goddamn good that no one in the whole word but you understands how good it is. And what is music and sports if not different kinds of feeling that you belong somewhere, whether it is among other supporters or fans?

I´ll give you an example from my own depraved existence: one of my all time musical heroes is Glenn Danzig. He´s a goddamn genius and except for releasing great albums with the Misfits and Samhain, he made four classic albums with Danzig. But then he decided that he wanted to be Trent Reznor and released the awful “Danzig 5: Blackacidevil”, which had distorted vocals and industrial synthesizers all over the thing. My life was in ruins.

But despite this, I didn´t turn my back on Glenn. I stuck with him through the backlash that occurred and all through “Danzig 6: Satan´s Child”, which was marginally better. But then things started to change and the seventh and the eight album are actually pretty god damn great! Same thing when Mr. Brett left Bad Religion back in the middle of the 90´s. I didn´t stop listening to them just cause they released a bunch of albums that wasn´t nearly as good as the old ones, did I? No, I stuck with them and look what happened: Mr. Brett returned and the three latest ones are among their best ever!

Isn´t this what it´s like to root for a team: to not be a turncoat just because they aren´t winning at the moment? You stick with them, no matter how bad they´re performing because you know that one day that´ll all turn around.

That is why, my friend, I don´t find this Paul character that pathetic. I get where he´s coming from because basically I am the same when it comes to music and movies. Granted that I have managed to move out from my mother´s house and get myself an education and a girlfriend and shit like that, but that isn´t what Paul is interested in. He seems to be genuinely happy with the life he´s living and the things that his family keeps nagging him about isn´t interesting to him. He´s not interested in meeting a girl. It´s not like he´s asexual because we do get to see him pulling a fast one under the covers before he goes to sleep, but it´s as if he´s taken himself out of that dating game completely. He´s just not interested in it, unless it could affect his dear Giants in a positive way and the chances of that happening aren´t that big.

Another interesting thing that this movie deals with is this weird phenomenon of actually meeting one of your heroes. If you´ve ever had the chance of doing it, you know that it´s a completely bizarre experience. Chances are that you´re not alone when it happens and you´re surrounded by other people that also idolizes this person and the conversations that goes on at these events can be spectacularly bizarre because everyone tries to outdo each other by showing that “I know more about this guy´s career than you do and I sure as hell appreciate him more! I get his work in a way that you can even begin to fathom…” Because everyone is basically hoping that their hero will notice them and acknowledge how insanely cool they are because you made a weird joke about who was the sound engineer on their third album or whatever. This is what everyone´s hoping for but it mostly results in forced compliments. However, I´ve never seen it end like it does for Paul when (SPOILER!!!) he gets beat up by Quantrell and ends up spending a couple of days unconscious.

And this is the dilemma that Paul is forced to wrestle with: should he press charges, which would mean that Quantrell won´t be allowed to play and the Giants will probably lose, but on the other hand Paul would end up a very wealthy man. It doesn´t take a genius to figure out which way Paul´s family wants him to go, right?

I think that these are some pretty interesting questions that “Big Fan” raises. Is there any way for a fan to justify the kind of behavior Quantrell displays? I mean, I wouldn´t be the happiest guy in the world if I tried to approach Marky Ramone and he punched me in the face. How would I feel about his body of work after that? Would I be able to enjoy the music as much as I had done previously?

“Big Fan” is written and directed by Robert D. Siegel, who wrote the amazingly awesome glorious return of Mickey Rourke the other year, “The Wrestler”, and although this one isn´t as great as that, it´s a pretty fantastic film. It´s obvious that Siegel is a huge fan of 70´s cinema. “Big Fan” bears echoes of both “Taxi Driver” and the work of Sidney Lumet, in that it is deliberately paced. We´re talking washed out colors, handheld cameras and overlapping dialogue here, folks. Oh, and some pretty excruciating situations and confrontations. But no matter how much of an angst-ridden piece of work this may be, it is definitely not without a sense of humor. It´s a very funny film, but not the kind of funny you would expect from a movie starring Patton Oswalt.

Now, I don´t know about you but I love the guy! I think his stand up work is hilarious and he never fails to make me laugh in the supporting roles he´s had in movies such as “Observe and Report”, “Reno 911” and TV shows like “United States of Tara”. But in this one he actually proves that he can act, as well. This is one of those “Hey, look it´s a comedian who actually can act!”-performances. Although Oswalt gets to say his share of witty and crude remarks, this is a pretty restrained performance.

There´s also some pretty solid support from Kevin Corrigan, who should be declared a god damn national treasure in the states! He´s been in, roughly, every movie made the last five years (“American Gangster”, “Pineapple Express”, “Superbad”, and “The Departed”) and he´s the kind of actor who always plays quirky characters but they somehow always seem to be a variation on himself. I guess he´s just that good and he kinda reminds me of Harry Dean Stanton in that way.

Anyway, I´m rambling now but I really recommend this one. This guy Siegel definitely knows what he´s doing and I hope that he´s able to indulge in the affinity he has for uncomfortable, yet funny, 70´s-flavored character studies. He definitely knows what he´s doing and how to construct a satisfying story. Judging from this one and his script to “The Wrestler” he seems like the kind of guy who should be given “Final Cut” from here on out. Ok, Hollywood? We´re clear on that?

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

What if I were to tell you that the other night I watched a fantastic film about a man and dog, what would you say? “Beethoven 2”? Sorry, not that one. “Turner & Hooch”? Not that one either. “K-9”? Not even that one. As you can see, movie history is filled with some pretty shitty movies about men and their dogs. “Red” is not one of them. Because if you didn´t notice it, I was being ironic there. The movies I just mentioned are pretty awful but this “Red”-movie is pretty goddamn great. As a matter of fact, “Red” is the best Jack Ketchum-adaptation to date. I know that a lot of you out there really liked “The Girl Next Door” and I guess that was pretty harrowing flick made by competent people, but this one has it beat. This is a much more satisfying experience, with much better performances in it.

You see, the lead in “Red” is inhabited by a certain Brian Cox… and Brian Cox may be one of the better actors around today. He´s the guy with the pockmarked face who played Stryker in the “X-Men” movies and who was the original Hannibal Lecter in “Manhunter”. This guy can act up a storm! In this one he portrays Avery. He´s kind of a recluse who spends his day at his hardware store and fishing, with his dog Red. You know what they say about dogs and how they´re man´s best friend? In this case it´s true. Red really is Avery´s best friend and he´s had him for 14 years. However, one day while fishing, three teenage punks kill his dog for no reason and Avery sets out for justice and redemption within whatever means possible, legal or otherwise. He starts by visiting the kids´ dad, played by Tom Sizemore.

Now, you know as well as I do that whenever Tom Sizemore shows up in a movie, it´s bad news. Either for the characters or for us, the audience, considering the choices he´s made lately. In this case it´s good for us, because he actually acts in this one. It´s not so good for poor old Avery, basically cause a character played by Tom Sizemore will always turn out to be an asshole. I guess he didn´t watch “Strange Days”.

Hey, speaking of man´s best friend, ever heard that one about two guys who´s stuck in the aftermath of an avalanche and all of a sudden they see a big ass St. Bernhard coming strolling towards them, complete with a barrel of brandy around his neck and everything? “Look, it´s man´s best friend!” says one guy and the other one replies: “Yeah, and a fucking dog, as well…”

Anyway, Tom Sizemore is up to his usual old mischief so naturally I expected that Brian Cox was gonna go all vigilante on his and his sons asses. Well, at least that´s what I was hoping for. And since “Red” is one of the few Jack Ketchum novels I haven´t read, I didn´t know what to expect. Well, I can report that Brian Cox does not turn into Charlie Bronson but you know what: I really liked the movie anyway!

This is a movie of small gestures and the tension builds very nicely. Now, the weird thing is that this movie had two directors. At first Lucky McKee started out at the helm and then this Norwegian fella named Tryggve Allister Diesen (whom I´ve never heard of) took over the reign. I guess that McKee had some falling out with some producer due to the old classic “artistic differences” or something like that. Now, I am a huge McKee fan! I think that his debut movie “May” is one of the better horror movies of the last ten years, so I was sad to hear that he quit the movie. “This won´t end nicely”, I thought. But lo and behold, it did!

This does not feel like a movie that was compromised in any way and even though I can´t say that I see McKee´s imprint anywhere, it´s still a goddamn good movie. I can´t believe that the guy who wrote this is the same guy who gave us “The Grudge”-remake. You see, this is a pretty nuanced screenplay and it´s a joy to see Brian Cox sink his teeth into a leading man role, for once. This is one of those movies where the lead is the silent, righteous, strong type and then suddenly we get a scene where he does this monologue where he tells someone all about his past and his demons. You know, kinda like Quint´s “U.S.S. Minneapolis”-speech in “Jaws”, only without the sharks. Cox is pretty fantastic in this scene.

No matter how you look at it, this is a great film! I know that we all love vigilante movies and some of you might be disappointed that this one doesn´t go “all in” in that regard, but there´s so much else to cherish in this movie. I love watching an old dude taking the law into his own hands as much as the next guy, and I´ll be the first one to admit that “Gran Torino” is one of the better movies of recent years, this is a much more believable film, with much more grounded performances.

I like the fact that there seem to have been some kind of inflation in Jack Ketchum-adaptations lately. The guy´s works lend themselves to the movie medium extremely well since he always works with basic, stripped-down plotlines like this one but let´s be honest here: not all of the adaptations have been good. “The Off Spring” was pretty horrible, “The Girl Next Door” was ok but suffered from some weak acting and “The Lost” was pretty good and easily the best looking movie of the bunch. But like I said, “Red” has ´em beat! You owe it to yourself to check this one out. It doesn´t matter if you´re into horror movies, vigilante movies or thrillers. This is the kind of movie that transcends genres, people.

I´m just hoping that the fact that McKee left this movie midway through doesn´t make it harder for him to get future projects off the ground. I mean, it´s been a while now and it´s about time we got a new Lucky McKee-movie to enjoy! “The Woods” was released in 2006 and let´s face it: we´re not getting any younger here, so get cracking, Lucky!

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

I wonder what the filmmaker´s aspirations were thinking when they set out to make this one? Did they really wanted to make a thriller that wasn´t particularly thrilling? Or how about a horror movie that didn´t have any horrific elements in it? And why the hell do you wanna hire Kate Beckinsale and have her strip down to her underwear in the opening scenes, but no nudity? That´s just cruel, man. But the thing is that this sums up the movie pretty good: “Whiteout” is a perfect example of “middle-of-the-road”-filmmaking. This is mediocrity in its finest (or worst) form: neither too bad to be upsetting or too good to be captivating. It just is. Kind of like when the titular whiteout occurs, it´s hard to know exactly what is going on because it´s just too uninteresting. But here´s what I managed to figure out:

U.S. Marshal Carrie Stetko (Kate Beckinsale) is the only one assigned to Antarctica and must investigate a murder there within three days, before the Antarctic winter begins. She crosses paths with a U.N. operative (Gabriel Macht), also investigating the murder, and gets help from the stationed local doctor Fury (played by Tom Skerritt).

Not exactly groundbreaking stuff. Nor icebreaking either, for that matter. This is a painfully predictable movie that keeps lumbering along until the familiar conclusion, complete with a twist that everyone sees coming a mile away, arrives. Not only that, they even managed to fill the movie with particularly bland actors. Some of them have such a lack of personalities that they blend in with the Antarctic ice, for chrissakes! Don´t get me wrong, I like Kate Beckinsale as much as the next guy, but let´s face it: she´s not that great of an actress. I think it´s cool that she isn´t afraid to delve into genre stuff, like the “Underworld”-movies, as well as some heavyweight drama stuff like “Snow Angels”. That way everybody´s happy: the critics and the fanboys! If you look at her that way, she´s a goddamn spreader of goodwill! She could be the one factor that makes both bitter critics and horny geeks around the globe take each other´s hands and sing “We shall overcome”! In this regard she´s kind of like the female version of Thomas Jane. He isn´t afraid to take the lead in something like “Give ´Em Hell, Malone”, as well as pop up in something as culturally highbrow as Terence Malick´s “The Thin Red Line”. Hell, the two of them should get together and make a baby. Imagine that: a genetically superior being, who would dominate every genre: horror, sci-fi and drama! Christ, that kid could be the ruler of the free world.

But anyway, this Beckinsale gal isn´t that good. Neither is this Gabriel Macht fella who isn´t having much luck with his career. I kinda feel bad for him. First he got the lead in what everybody thought was going to be a huge hit: Frank Miller´s insane so-bad-that-it´s-good “The Spirit” and now he gets to star in this one. He keeps picking the duds. I bet that both of these movies looked good on paper and he must´ve been extremely happy when he got those roles but imagine the look on this poor guy´s face when he´d seen “The Spirit” for the first time? I would definitely feel more sorry for him unless it wasn´t for the fact that he isn´t a particularly good actor, either. He played The Spirit as if he was a horny drunk stumbling around without a fucking clue what was going on and it´s not like he leaves an impression in this one either.

That leaves poor old Tom Skerritt, who still has it going on. It´s a shame this guy doesn´t get more roles because he has this genuine warmth and charisma that makes you like and care for him instantly. He does a pretty decent job as the father-figure-like doctor here but it´s not like has very much to work with. In all fairness, neither does Beckinsale or Macht but at least Skerritt takes the script and runs with it a bit. But I´m not surprised. After all, we´re talking Dallas from the first “Alien” here!

I bet that the producers thought that they´d gotten a real coup when they landed Dominic Sena to direct their movie and if this were ten years ago from now, maybe they had. You see, back in 2000 Dominic Sena was one of those hot music video directors that everyone wanted to work with and his first feature was “Gone in Sixty Seconds”, which was a huge hit. Don´t ask me why. I think that people maybe flocked to the theatres to check out what has to be some of the worst hairstyles in movie history: Nicolas Cage with blonde hair and Angelina Jolie in dreads! Talk about a bad hair day. Actually, “Bad hair year” is more like it.

But anyway, I guess that “Gone in Sixty Dreadlocks” was a slick action movie, which Sena then followed up with “Swordfish”, starring John Travolta in an awful frosted haircut (hey Dominic, I´m sensing a pattern here!), which was also a hit. But then nothing happened. Sena directed a TV movie, which I haven´t seen, but except for that he hasn´t made a movie in nine years, which is a pretty long time if you ask me. I don´t know if that has anything to do with the fact that this one isn´t as slick or commercial-like in its look. Maybe it´s a budgetary issue, what the hell do I know, but you can´t tell that this one was directed by Sena in any way whatsoever. So I guess you bummed out on that one, producers!

But I shouldn´t put too much blame on Sena when it comes to how uninteresting this movie is. I´m guessing that the script was intended to be a low budget thriller but then Beckinsale got attached and then everyone thought “Holy shit, we can release this theatrically! That girl in the Spandex suit from the “”Underworld” rocks! Everybody loves her so this´ll be a huge hit!”

But you see, even if you polish a turd, it will remain a turd. I think. I haven´t actually polished someone´s fecal remains but I´m guessing that it will remain in its shit-like shape. That´s why this movie screams out “low budget B-movie-thriller conventions up ahead!” at every junction it approaches. I mean, you have the obligatory character that has to take every chance and explain the obvious out loud so that no one misunderstands what has happened. I mean, is it possible that the guy with a knife in his back has been… I don´t know, murdered? In case someone doesn´t understand this, we better have a character spell this out.

But where the movie really misses what could have been a great element, story-wise, is when (SPOILER-ALERT!!!) Beckinsale has to venture out into the cold and contracts gangrene. Two of her fingers have to come off. Chop, chop, just like that! That´s the coolest thing about the movie but the filmmakers doesn´t seem to realize this. I mean, imagine if David Cronenberg would´ve directed this: then we wouldn´t have been dealing with a couple of lousy fingers, then Beckinsale would have been forced to amputate her whole arm and then she´d get tangled up in a weird S&M-like sexual relationship with Skerritt, who´s about 30 years her senior, or something like that. That´s the kind of movie I´d like to watch!

Sadly, the writer and director were of another opinion so they completely fumble the ball when it comes to this sequence and the effect it could´ve had on the entire movie. It could´ve added a weird psychosexual element to it, but instead we get to watch Beckinsale cry when she realizes she has to be amputated. And that´s about it. After that she seem pretty alright.

Anyway, there have been a number of films in recent years that have dealt with the concept of the Antarctic winter and I´m sad to say that they were all superior to this one. “30 Days of Night” was a great take on vampirism and the Swedish flick “Frostbite” was also a hell of a lot more entertaining than this one. But then again, both those movies had vampires in them. Maybe Beckinsale should have that written into her contract: a vampire clausal! I bet that this movie would have been a lot more fun if it turned out that it was vampires that were doing the killing. Amputated vampires, maybe…

But oh no… nobody ever listens to me.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Hey, remember that character Zed from the ”Police Academy”-movies? The guy who screamed in that high pitched voice? He was played by Bobcat Goldthwait, who kinda disappeared from the limelight after his much heralded, celebrated turn as the screaming police rookie. Kind of like Steve Guttenberg, who played Mahoney, also did. But Guttenberg kept churning out movies, at least that much we know. But whatever happened to Goldthwait? Did he get hooked on heroin and die? Does he work as a limo driver in L.A.? Does he run a meth lab in New Mexico? Did he start appearing in any of the many reality shows and humiliates himself for a shot at reaching the headlines once again? The possibilities are endless for an actor who´s out of demand. But Goldthwait did not succumb to any of these temptations. His story is much more interesting.

You see, Goldthwait started writing and directing. He´s worked on a number of TV shows as well as at least three movies. The first one was released back in ´91. It´s called “Shakes the Clown” and is sort of a precursor to “Bad Santa” and “Bad News Bears” and other profanity-laden comedies with an alcoholic lead. It´s a pretty funny movie but it would take until 2006 until Goldthwait got another movie of the ground: “Stay” aka “Sleeping Dogs Lie” which is a fantastic little film. It´s basically your ordinary story of how a college girl´s decision to satisfy her dog orally, comes to affect her adult life, when faced with such things as relationships and marriage.

The other day I sat down to watch his latest movie, “World´s Greatest Dad”, starring Robin Williams. Now, I know what you´re thinking: “Which Robin Williams is it we´re talking about here? Is it the hyperactive, talking-a-mile-a-minute, frenetic one from “Good Morning, Vietnam” or is it the low-key one from “Good Will Hunting” and “One Hour Photo”?” Thankfully, it´s the latter. I don´t know about you but I much prefer the low-key human version of Robin Williams instead of the Energizer bunny one. And that´s we get here and surprisingly, it´s one of William´s best performances ever!

Now, before I get into what this movie is all about I really do recommend that you stop reading and watch the goddamn thing first because this is one of those flicks where the less you know, the better it is. Ok? You got that. Here we go:

Williams plays Lance Clayton, a high school poetry teacher who nurtures dreams of being a rich and famous writer. His only son Kyle (Daryl Sabara) is an insufferable jackass who won’t give his father the time of day.  Lance is dating Claire (Alexie Gilmore), the school’s art teacher, but she doesn’t want to get serious — or even acknowledge publicly that they are dating. Then, in the wake of a freak accident, Lance suffers the worst tragedy and greatest opportunity of his life. He is suddenly faced with the possibility of all the fame, fortune and popularity he ever dreamed of, if he can only live with the knowledge of how he got there.

First of all there´s one thing you need to know: this is a comedy aimed squarely at an adult audience. And by that, I don´t means that it contains hardcore pornography but that it deals with things that I don´t think any teenagers out there would find particularly amusing. It´s pretty dark stuff. I´m gonna have to give you a SPOILER-ALERT!!! here because it´s pretty hard to discuss this one any further without giving away what happens. So at the next junction there will be a huge SPOILER!!!-sign, ok? So go watch the movie and we´ll meet back here in about two hours, ok?

Approximately two hours later…

So, aren´t you glad that you´ve seen the movie now? Imagine the fantastic discussions we can have now? Admit that you were kinda surprised when Williams found his obnoxious son dead, after he strangled himself while masturbating? The fact that the little fucker had jacked off to the photos he took of Claire´s underwear didn´t make things better, did it? Pretty fucked up stuff. But that´s what makes this movie so good.

It´s a pretty fantastic premise and this is a pretty bold movie. I mean, how many movies have you seen that is set in the high school environment, where one of the leads is a teenage kids who´s into German scheisse-porn, spies on his 70 year old neighbor while she undresses and jacks off? Larry Clarke´s movies doesn´t count. That doesn´t leave that many, does it?

After Kyle´s death, the movie moves into “Heathers”-territory because Williams does what probably most parents would do: in order to give his son some kind of dignity he re-arranges the body so that it looks like a suicide. But the thing is that he also writes a suicide letter. I´m not that sure that that many parents would do that, though. But Williams does and since he´s an unpublished, experienced writer, he´s got a way with words and Kyle´s suicide letter is published in the local paper and suddenly everyone feels sorry for the kid. Other kids at school starts wearing pins with Kyle´s face; kids that couldn´t give a flying fuck about him while he was still alive. Kyle´s letter becomes an expression and a poster boy for everyone´s pain so Williams takes it one step further: he writes an entire journal, claiming it´s Kyle´s. He can´t resist the temptation of having an audience actually read his material.

Now, this sounds like a pretty unsympathetic movie filled with despicable characters, doesn´t it? Queasy as hell, right? Well, the surprising thing is that it isn´t. Goldthwait definitely has a sweet streak in him and that´s really what elevates this film from being just a “good” film to a frickin´ great one! I really liked “Stay” but this one is even better.

It reminds of the kind of fantastic, American movies they used to make back in the 70´s: darkly funny, original characters and an off-beat storyline. And it´s the characters that really make this movie work. Williams is fantastic in his role but this kid, Daryl Sabara, is pretty goddamn great as Kyle, as well. Which is kind of disconcerting. I don´t know if you recognize his name but he´s actually the kid from Robert Rodriguez´s “Spy Kids”-movies. So this is what he graduated to: auto-asphyxiation! What the hell happened to him at the set of those movies? Hollywood sure corrupted him.

This guy Henry Simmons (who I swear looks just like The Rock) is also good as Mike, another teacher who starts spending time with Claire. Which I can´t blame him for because Alexie Gilmore is almost too sweet to describe in this role. That´s the only thing I had a hard time buying: that a girl this pretty and sweet would wanna spend time with an old dude like Robin Williams. But the great thing about the characters, particularly Claire, is that even though she is this sweet and charming woman, she´s also kind of the villain of the movie in the way that she starts hanging out with Mike a bit too frequently. Goldthwait really manages to create believable characters and you buy the relationships they have. It´s like you´re dropped into a world with fully rounded characters and this is what´s going on at the moment. Actually, it kind of reminded me of a Paul Thomas Anderson-movie, in that regard. Particularly the scene where Williams finds his dead son. It´s a heartbreaking sequence played in slow motion and without any natural sounds, with a song playing on the soundtrack. It´s quite touching and for some reason it reminded me of the scene in “Magnolia” when everyone starts singing along to that Aimee Mann-tune. Williams is fantastic in this scene.

I think that along with “Stay” and this one, Goldthwait is one of the more original voices in American comedy today and I´m really looking forward to whatever his next project may be. I really hope that this gets to continue keep making the movies that he wants to do because the world needs ´em. Ah screw that, I need ´em! There ain´t that many dark comedies worth their salt out there today and we need more filmmakers who aren´t afraid to touch upon the darker aspects of life but still maintain a sweet streak about the whole thing.

It would be interesting to know exactly how many families rented this one based on its title and the cover and expected a nice Disney-like comedy, starring their beloved funnyman Robin Williams. I mean look at the cover at the top! It doesn´t exactly scream: “Hey, fucker! Wanna watch a truly original, dark-as-hell comedy about a kid who strangles himself while beating off and how his dad, played by Mork from Ork, covers the whole thing up? You wanna watch that? Then rent me!”

Man, I´d love to see the look on people´s faces who mistakenly thinks they´d gotten “Old Dogs”, instead. Serves ´em right, the fuckers.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Friends and family, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a dear old friend. It is a sad day because yet another horror movie franchise has passed away and we are left behind to wonder where it all went wrong. I know that many of you here have been friends with his particular franchise for many years. You´ve shared some laughs as well as thrills. But that´s all gone now. Instead of quitting while they were ahead, they kept on flogging what (according to many people) was, in fact, a dead horse. And that is why we are here, to witness the final nail being driven into the “Final Destination”-franchise´s coffin.

Let´s not argue and spend too much time pointing fingers at whose fault it was. Some might say it´s director David Ellis´ fault, some might blame the producers. I blame them all! I also blame 3-D! This is definitely the worst example of 3-D in this “new wave” of 3-D movies we´ve been seeing these last couple of years. I enjoyed “My Bloody Valentine” even though it wasn´t spectacular in any way because t had sort of a depraved charm and some entertaining kills in it. The fact that it had a fornicating dwarf in it didn´t make things worse, either. But this installment in the “Final Destination”-franchise is completely devoid of charm, laughs and wit. It´s got some pretty good gore in it but that doesn´t help.

I actually had some hope for this movie. It is directed by David Ellis, after all. He was the guy who helmed the second one. You know the one with the spectacular highway crash at the beginning? The best of the bunch, if you ask me. So I figured “Hey, if he´s returning to the franchise it might be kinda cool! He did a couple of entertaining flicks with “Cellular” and “Snakes on a Plane” so it can´t be all bad”. But then I remembered that he directed “Asylum” as well. And that, my friends, is a movie that is so bad that I´d rather go to the goddamn dentist before sitting through that one again. But I chose to ignore that and tried to focus on the good things in life. That didn´t last very long.

Because like I mentioned earlier, “The Final Destination” (as this one is called, I guess that this franchise has become too posh to use a “IV” or “4” in its title) sucks! I don´t know what they were thinking when they were making this one. First of all, who the hell cast it? It´s been a long time since I´ve seen a bunch of blander actors! Christ, if you´re gonna scavenge a bunch of comedy shows for your cast, at least pick someone who can act! Don´t go with this guy Nick Zano, whose only thing in life he´s got going for him is the fact that he reminds me of Mark Paul Gosselaar from “Saved By The Bell”. Is that really what the world needs: a new Mark Paul Gosselaar? I don´t think so. We´ve finally gotten rid of the original one, now there´s this Zano-guy to deal with. When will it end?

And then there´s the female members of the cast. To be honest, I can´t remember a single one of ´em. That´s how bland these girls are. I couldn´t tell them apart, for chrissakes! And that´s never a good thing, is it? The only one who left any kind of impression was Krista Allen, but she had a pretty small part.

Now, like I mentioned this movie was shot in 3D but both you and I know that the kind of 3D that we are treated to at home, with those green and red glasses, are pretty shitty. It´s not like that whole “Avatar” shit that James Cameron has going on. This rules out the idea of watching this movie in anything but 2D, if you´re gonna watch the DVD at home. But you see, the thing is that Ellis has so relied on the 3D effect for so many of his scenes that they just become laughable when you watch them in regular 2D. It´s pretty apparent that this is nothing but a bad horror movie with some very, very weird camera angles.

And to be honest, it´s kinda hard to keep any franchise, no matter which one it is, fresh and alive after three installments. Does it come as a surprise to anyone when a lead character is walking across the street and is suddenly hit by an oncoming bus? Oh my god, what a shock! Just like in the other “Final Destination”-movies? You gotta be fucking kidding me! I mean, how the hell fast does these trucks go in the middle of these cities? I´d constantly be on the lookout if I lived in this town. I´d be scared shitless just walking down the street.

Another contributing factor to why this movie isn´t as enjoyable as the earlier ones is because the death scenes in those were much more “organic”. In this one it feels like the filmmakers have given up totally and created the whole god damn thing on their computer. I mean, who the hell wants to watch a bunch of kids being killed that way? Death by CGI? Not for me, thanks.

It is brutally obvious while watching this one that this is a franchise that has run its course. This one is running on formula now and nothing but formula! If they insist on making a fifth one, they really need to get a hungry, up-and-coming director who can inject the franchise with some fresh blood because as far as this one goes, David Ellis is pretty much phoning it in. Maybe that Darren Lynn Bousman who took over the “Saw”-franchise could give this one a try? Get some booby traps that cut off people´s dicks while they are drilling through their own teeth to find some key in there, as well? Hell, I´d watch that.

Now, if you haven´t seen this movie and still harbors some hope of it actually being good and wanna watch it, I suggest that you avert your eyes because I am going to ruin the ending for ya, ok? Major SPOILER-ALERT!!! coming up.

The major problem that this (as well as many other franchises have) is the fact that they have no idea whatsoever how to end their movies. I didn´t mind that as much in the other “Final Destination”-movies but in this one it pissed me off. It´s obvious that Ellis & Co didn´t have a clue how to do it with this one. It´s the same deal as always: the leads think that they escaped Death´s icy clutches but wouldn´t you know it, just when things are hunky dory a goddamn truck comes crashing through the window of the café where they are enjoying their expensive cappucina/moccachino/frappuchino/alpachino-drinks! Great Scott! I guess that this is what everyone expects when you watch a “Final Destination”-movie but then Ellis has the nerve to cheat us out of the final shots of gore! The moment when the truck´s about to hit, he cuts to this goddamn X-ray effect that he used during the opening credits and that, my friends, for lack of  better words is nothing but a sucker punch to the audience. Who the hell wants to watch some X-ray figures get crushed and destroyed? I don´t.

Let´s lay this one to rest now, guys. This is one dead franchise.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

After being sent into a state of minor depression after sitting through both ”Gamer” and ”Surrogates”, I was feeling pretty sad there for a while. I´m not gonna lie to you: it was bad! I took to the bottle pretty hard and held a funeral service for the action genre as we know it in my apartment; I started talking to strangers on the tram, “Hey, how about that ‘Gamer’, huh? Pretty shitty movie, right?” I got a lot of weird looks during this period in my life. But just when things were at their worst, when the future was nothing but bleak, guess what pulled me out of my slump? A straight-to-DVD-flick, of all things.

I´m talking about the little movie that could, starring two of our time´s greatest action heroes, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren, reunited on the screen again! I´m talking about “Universal Soldier: Regeneration”.

I´m not even gonna try to tangle out the web that is the “Universal Soldier”-franchise. We know that Van Damme and Lundgren starred in the original one, directed by favorite whipping boy Roland Emmerich back in 1992, but then something strange happened. The franchise went hay-wire and we got at least two cable movies, “Universal Soldier II: Brothers in Arms” and “Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business”, which had Crazy Gary Busey and Burt Reynolds in minor parts. But that´s not all. Van Damme also starred in another sequel called “Universal Soldier: The Return” which, at least in Sweden, got a theatrical release. However, the mighty Dolph Lundgren was sorely missing from this film. But now they´re back together in what is the best straight-to-DVD-movie I´ve seen in a very long time.

To be honest, I wasn´t expecting much from this movie. I mean, who are we kidding here? This movie wasn´t gonna revolutionize filmmaking in any way but the thing is that both Van Damme and Lundgren has been making pretty good movies lately. We´re not talking masterpieces (except for Van Damme´s “JCVD”, which was nothing short of spectacular) but for low budget action films they´ve been pretty enjoyable. Lundgren´s “Missionary Man” was a cool throwback to the western genre and “Command Performance” was a stupid action flick, in the best sense of the word. Van Damme actually showed that he could act with the well-above average action thriller “Until Death” and “Shepherd: Border Patrol” was solid, as well. So you see, these guys have pulled themselves together the last couple of years. Yet, I wasn´t prepared for the fun that “Universal Soldier: Regeneration” had to offer.

Unlike Steven Seagal´s many eastern European-produced flicks of late, they don´t try to over-complicate the story in this one, which is the first stroke of genius that the filmmakers had. The movie opens with a bang when a bunch of terrorists in ski masks kidnaps a young man and a woman. The strange thing is that the lead kidnapper keeps getting hit, over and over again, but doesn´t seem to mind. With some stolen top-secret technology, these terrorists have created a next-generation Universal Soldier – an elite fighter genetically altered into a programmable killing machine. With this “UniSol” (played by Andrei “The Pit Bull” Arlovski, who´s apparently a former UFC fighter or something along those lines. Don´t ask me, I´m not into that shit) leading the way, they seize the crippled Chernobyl nuclear reactor, threatening to unleash a lethal radioactive cloud. The only one who can stop them is good old Luc Deveraux (Jean-Claude Van Damme). Luc gears up to take these on these fuckers but what he didn´t expect is the fact that they have managed to re-activate his old nemesis, Andrew Scott (Lundgren). Can you smell a showdown coming on?

Like I mentioned, the movie starts with a bang (literally) and director John Hyams keeps things moving along at a brisk pace. I think this might be quite an historic event in the history of straight-to-DVD-movies because not once did I look at the clock! This guy Hyams knows how to stage and shoot his fight scenes. When the Universal Soldiers lock horns with each other, it´s pretty savage and brutal stuff.

Now, if you recognize director Hyams last name it´s because he´s the son of director Peter Hyams, who directed Van Damme in “Sudden Death” and who´s also responsible for “Outland”, “The Relic” and “End of Days”. Oh, and “A Sound of Thunder” but let´s not bring that up. I don´t think he´ll appreciate that. Now, if you have talent in your family, why not make use of it, right? That´s why sonny boy John brought dad along to shoot the movie and it certainly paid off. This movie looks much better than its low budget straight-to-DVD-origins would allow.

Man, this is actually a pretty damn good movie! I´ll even go as far as to say that this will hold up against most of the big budget, theatrically released action movies we saw last year! This is a lean, mean motherfucker of an action flick that doesn´t try to over-explain things or turn the Universal Soldiers into heroes or anything like that. And that´s what makes it so good; even though Van Damme is the hero and fights the bad guys, he´s still a pretty creepy dude. Remember that the only thing he knows how to do is to fight. This can lead to some pretty uncomfortable situations, like when Luc is visiting a local restaurant with his handler and an old man walks towards them and Luc beats the living shit out of him, for no apparent reason other than he walked their way. That´s the kind of behavior we´re dealing with here and Hyams doesn´t let us forget that.

But the sad thing is that even the sun has its spots. And the spot in this case is that sadly, Dolph Lundgren doesn´t have enough screen time. He´s pretty great and looks scary as hell in this one. The fight scenes he has with Van Damme are well choreographed and they seem to move pretty quickly for a couple of old guys. It´s probably mostly body doubles but at least Hyams is good enough to hide it, unlike the directors who´ve been making Seagal´s last movies. But it´s too bad that Lundgren´s part isn´t bigger because he´s pretty great in this one! He even manages to convey a bit of sadness when he´s asked a couple of simple questions by one of the scientists and they realize that his brain works a bit too well. You see, that isn´t what´s expected of a Universal Soldier and when Lundgren realizes this, you actually feel some sympathy for the guy. And this is done without dialogue! In a straight-to-DVD-movie! Do you realize that this one is a keeper?

This is exactly what the action genre needs now: a solid, entertaining, brutal action movie that wasn´t edited by an epileptic with an attention disorder. Believe it or not, you can actually understand what´s going on in the action sequences in this one. Take that, “Gamer”!

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Christ, this had me worried when I started watching and I realized that it had Bruce Willis in a really bad looking wig. And I mean really bad looking. Forget about “The Jackal” or “Bandits”, forget about “Perfect Stranger” because what we have here is the mother of all bad Bruce-wigs. Fortunately it turns out that this is just Bruce´s surrogate, it´s not his real hair. Thank god for that! You see, in the future, humans live in isolation and only interact through robotic bodies that serve as surrogates. These surrogates all look young, perfect with no wrinkles and shit like that. If you remember how Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen looked at the beginning of “X-Men 3”, when they were airbrushed to look like their young selves, you´re pretty close. Anyway, several humans are murdered when their surrogates are destroyed so Bruce Willis has to investigate these crimes via his own surrogate. After a near fatal encounter, Bruce’s surrogate is destroyed and forces him to bring his human form out of isolation and venture out into the real world to kick some ass, Bruce Willis-style.

By the way, don´t you love that Bruce Willis has become the kind of actor that you don´t even bother learning his character´s name when you talk about his movies? You don´t go “… and then Malcolm Crowe realizes that he´s dead!” whenever you talk to someone about “The Sixth Sense”, do you? Of course you don´t! You go “… and then Bruce Willis realizes that he´s dead!”, right? Kinda like Clint Eastwood. Who the hell cares what his character´s name is? I love the fact that Bruce Willis has become that much of an icon. He´s not quite Clint yet, but he´s working on it. Who would´ve figured that when you stayed up late, just to catch “Moonlighting” on TV back in the day?

Anyway, let´s get down to the essentials: when the real Bruce Willis steps out into the future world, he looks like the Bruce Willis we all know and love: resolute and bald! So that´s all good. What´s not so good is, unfortunately, the rest of this movie. Like so many action movies I´ve seen lately, this one too feels like a missed opportunity. I mean, you´ve got Bruce Willis in a sci-fi-action movie and about 80 million dollars in budget and this is all you manage to come up with? If you´re gonna market a movie as an action movie starring Bruce Willis, you could at least to get some action in there. I don´t know if it ended up on the cutting room floor or what the hell happened but it sure as hell isn´t in the movie.

Maybe I was expecting too much. But the thing is that this movie was directed by Jonathan Mostow, who´s responsible for a whole slew of pretty entertaining action movies, like “Breakdown”, “U-571” and “Terminator 3” (which is pretty goddamn underrated, if you ask me). I mean, “Terminator 3” was a surprisingly good all-out-balls-to-the-wall-action-fest, so when I heard that Mostow was gonna make another sci-fi-flick, I was pretty excited. When I heard that it was gonna star Bruce Willis, I was fucking ecstatic!

But I still kind of like this movie. You see, I watched this the same day as I watched the abomination that is “Gamer” and these two films deal with the same kind motifs: corporations trying to protect their product and living your life vicariously through the internet or online-gaming or whatever the hell you wanna call it. And if you compare this movie to “Gamer”, this is “Lawrence of Fucking Arabia”, this is “The Thing”, goddamn “Repo Man”! You get the idea, right? And it does explore these issues in a somewhat interesting way (much more interesting and competently handled than in “Gamer”) and it does have something to say about today´s youth-fixated culture and isn´t that what all good sci-fi is supposed to do: hold up a mirror to today´s problems? At least it makes for a couple of pretty cool scenes when Bruce is walking around, all beat up with cuts and bruises in this world of perfectly looking surrogates. And we all know that the more cuts and bruises Bruce gets, the cooler he looks. I just wish that they would have elaborated more on this streak of social criticism. Then it could´ve been a really interesting film.

The fact that the people in this world use their surrogates because they´re ashamed of their own physical imperfections, is also an interesting idea. “Surrogates” manages to show this in a much more nuanced way than “Gamer”, which basically shows an insanely obese guy sitting in front of this TV, controlling a woman on his computer screen and stroking himself. Nice going, retards!

I´m sorry about that “retard”-remark. To call the makers of “Gamer” retards is an insult to retards all around the globe. Sorry about that, guys.

Another thing I wish is that it wasn´t rated PG13. I mean, let´s face it: who the hell wants to watch an action movie rated PG13? When are the executives gonna realize that? Come on, wasn´t “Terminator 2” rated R? The “Alien”-movies? As I seem to remember it, those movies made a buck or two and show me one guy, I mean one single guy, who will rather pay money to go to the theatre and watch an action movie starring Bruce Willis that´s rated PG13 over one that´s rated R. That´s all I´m asking here: show me one single guy and I´ll stop bitching and moaning about this. After I have him committed, of course.

However, it´s not only the action sequences that are somewhat of a missed opportunity (although there are one pretty cool scene where Bruce´s surrogate chase down a bad guy and loses an arm while doing so) but the casting of Bruce Willis is also a missed opportunity. I mean, why cast Bruce if he´s not allowed to be Bruce? I can understand that he wants to do different kinds of roles and he certainly has done that the last ten years but this is unfortunately a part that doesn´t give him much to do at all. His usual Bruce-like charm is nowhere to be found and it´s not like he´s super broody and low key, like in “The Sixth Sense” so I can´t really see why he wanted to do this one. I´m hoping that his upcoming role in Kevin Smith´s “Cop Out” takes full advantage of the magic that is the Bruce Willis persona. I mean, no one can smirk like Bruce Willis, so why not let the guy smirk his way through a movie?

It´s a shame about this movie because it feels like it has much going for it but it never comes to fruition. For instance, Bruce´s marriage and the fact that he and his wife have lost a child isn´t made especially much of. It feels like Mostow tried to make an adult science fiction thriller but then the studio decided that they wanted something lighter and oh, while you´re at it: let´s trim those action scenes as well because then we can get it in the theatre as a PG13 and everybody wants that, right? Sorry, Mostow. I haven´t given up on you, though. You managed to make a pretty good third installment in a franchise, let´s not forget about that. Doesn´t happen very often (except for “Police Academy 3: Back in training”) so that has to mean that you have some talent. You´re still on my radar for filmmakers to watch. It´s also nice of you to keep giving Jack Noseworthy roles. Haven´t seen him in a while.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas

Let´s imagine for a minute that you are pretty well respected film director and that you somehow have managed to secure a budget for your dream project: a bloody viking epic, starring one of your favorite actors, Mads Mikkelsen. What´s the next step? You would probably want to work on your script, if you hadn´t already done that, right? That would be the logical next step. Unless your name happens to be Nicolas Winding Refn. Then you´d just gather up your crew, get poor old Mads into some make up and head on out into the wilderness. Who needs a script? If you´re a talented enough filmmaker, you´ll make it work, right?

Wrong. I´m sorry to say but Nicolas Winding Refn really dropped the ball on this one. He not only dropped it, he misplaced it so bad that it is now forever lost. “Valhalla Rising” will forever be a sad chapter in this talented filmmaker´s career. You should know that I am a huge fan of his and have for years been going around and saying shit like “The only interesting filmmaker in Scandinavia today is Nicolas Winding Refn”. Well, he sure made me eat those words earlier today. I feel almost violated! I can´t for the life of me figure out what he was thinking when he made this film.

If you´re not familiar with the story, Mads Mikkelsen plays One Eye, a mute warrior who´s been held prisoner by the Norse chieftain Barde. Aided by a boy slave, One Eye manages to slay his captor and escapes along with the boy. After this they hook up with a band of Christian Vikings who´s out to conquer the holy land and start up a new Jerusalem. You know how those whacky religious Vikings can be?

Anyway, they join the Vikings on their ship but it is soon engulfed by extremely thick fog. Up until this point I hadn´t given up on the movie. You see, the opening scene is fantastic. It´s the scene you saw in the trailer with Mikkelsen beating the crap out of an opponent lying on a muddy hill. This is what his captors use him for: to fight other warriors for money or other riches. When he´s not fighting, he´s kept on a leash or locked up in a cage. Kind of like a Viking era-cage fighter. Or a Viking era “Danny the Dog”. But you remember how that movie fell apart as soon as Jet Li started to say his lines and you once again realized that he sounds like Dolly Parton about to hit puberty? Well, Winding Refn doesn´t have this problem because Mikkelsen´s character is mute. Hell, it´s almost as if every goddamn character in this movie is mute because they don´t hardly speak at all. They´re Vikings, remember? Grim, tough men who stare at each other and every now and then laugh at each other with contempt. That´s how they rolled back then. So they don´t speak. At all. For an hour and a half. It takes over ten minutes into the movie before the first line is uttered but in the opening this approach works. It kinda gives the movie a Peckinpah-like quality of “A man´s gotta do what a man´s gotta do” but by the time they get on that ship, I was pretty sick of it.

But then the fog rolls in and you know what they say: that´s when the terror begins. Except that in this case it doesn´t. Nothing begins or even happens! But then the Vikings reach land, where they are stalked by an unseen enemy in a series of silent, totally tension-free scenes. Again, nothing happens.

I may be wrong but I think there may be two Nicolas Winding Refn out there, directing movies. The first one is the guy who did the three “Pusher” films: gritty, lean, urban crime dramas with fantastic dialogue and performances. Then we have his twin brother, who seems to be suffering some sort of Kubrick-ian, Malick-ian crisis. This is the guy who directed the deliberately paced “Fear X” and “Bronson”. It is obvious that it is the second Winding Refn who also directed “Valhalla Rising”. Unfortunately. The only similarity to “Pusher” that this movie has is that the violence is quick, graphic and sudden when it occurs and Winding Refn handles these scenes expertly.

I think it´s safe to say that he´s watched Tarkovsky´s “Stalker” more than a couple of times. You remember that one? Stoic men of few words, with the pain of life imprinted in the lines on their faces, walking around in dirty clothes. That sumps up “Valhalla Rising” as well. Maybe he used that in his pitch meeting? But the thing is this: Winding Refn has taken the whole thing with deliberate pacing to a whole new level. You thought that “Stalker” was slow, imagine if Tarkovsky had directed that flick while being on a strict diet of Valium, that´s how slow “Valhalla Rising” is!

I wonder how the hell Mikkelsen got talked into this one. I can understand that he wants to work with his friend the director but he must´ve said yes to this one before he read the script. He must have. That´s the only explanation. Somewhere inside this tedious mass, there´s a decent short film of 10 minutes hidden. Unfortunately, it´s stretched out to 90 excruciating minutes! If you were to run all the scenes of Mikkelsen staring at the clouds, at normal speed instead for the extreme slow motion they are in now, this movie would be about 40 minutes long.

Now, I´m all for movies with stoic, rugged men in the lead and Mikkelsen does a decent job here but you can´t maintain interest in the character because he is given absolutely nothing to work with! Not once do you know what One Eye is thinking or feeling. Hell, even Danny the Dog had some motivation but One Eye is like a blank canvas. That says nothing. At all. But say what you will, he´s quite good at staring, that Mikkelsen fella, there´s no doubt about that.

Visually speaking, this is a great film and it´s obvious that the people behind it are very talented. Winding Refn has a great eye but that just makes this whole awful experience all the more painful: why the hell didn´t he bother to write a script that could match the epic vistas? Maybe that was a selling point in securing Mikkelsen for the gig:

- Mads, we´ve finally got funding for our Viking movie! We start shooting next week.

- But I´m on vacation, Nicolas… I don´t wanna have to learn any new lines now.

- Uh, lines? That´s right… Don´t worry, you won´t have to learn any lines because… your character´s mute! That´s it! He´s mute!

- Okay, send over the script and I´ll take a look at it.

- Uh, script? Okay, I´ll whip something together and mail it to you later today.

I actually had the pleasure of speaking to Winding Refn a couple of years ago at the Gothenburg Film Festival and he was an extremely polite man with a lot of interesting things to say so I feel kind of bad racking down on him this way but honestly, there´s no excusing this! If there ever were a missed opportunity, “Valhalla Rising” is it!

It´s only hours ago since I saw this movie but I already feel nostalgic for a time before it. Let´s hope that Winding Refn ends up in debt again, so he´s forced to make two new “Pusher” movies. Or at least is forced to write a script for the next movie he makes.

Until next time: take scare!

Thomas